Reflection Time

It's that time of year that I reflect on my life and where I'm at again.  I know most people do that at New Years butt I do it each year as I approach my birthday.  I'll be 45 this year.  Seems like I should be sixteen.  Would I trade it back?  Only if I could be the person I am today inside and emotionally.  It's been a hard year.  I still miss my friend Rob a lot.  I have family that I somehow doubt will be with us this time next year.  I have aging parents and thoughts of when they are gone how much I will miss them; yet I intend to enjoy them while they are here.  In reality all we can do is live each day and try never to waste a moment that we have to live.  In reflection comes cleaning.  I am at a point in my life where I hate clutter and I live in a very tiny apartment so I'm into purging things right now and trying to figure out how I'm going to get down to that hotel like living.  As I clean I see things that bring memories.  Some of them pleasant, some not so much.  I also see things and wonder when they hell I bought that.  I don't remember it, having seen it since I bought it probably and wonder what was going through my mind when I did cause it sure wasn't anything rational.  It's a good day for me to clean cause I really am in a throw it out mood.  Anyone else need it cleaned up?  We really have gotten to be a society of people who want "STUFF".  We may never use the stuff and we may never see it, but we have to have it come hell or high water.  Not me.  Now I just wish I had more free time.  I have been spending a lot of time in Indy because it's fun for me.  I have a couple of wonderful friends there and it's a get away for me from my life and the reality of day to day.  I love my parents, but living next door to them is difficult at times.  It doesn't give me much privacy and yet I wouldn't trade my time I have gotten to spend with them for anything.  What will the next year bring?  Hopefully better health and happiness for all my family and friends.  The year started out rough so it should be better now, I would hope.  My health is what it is.  Hopefully in November everything will be thumbs up.  Meanwhile I'm getting back to the gym.  I'm getting back to walking and working on eating healthier and I'm working on making me the best I can.  In the end that is all we can do.  Reflection is good for the soul.  Walking and cleaning are my best two ways to have that inner reflection.  Well, this was just a short break, no pun intended, from cleaning.  Time for more purging.  Happy Fathers day to all the dads out there.

Step By Step and I'm a Science Project

Step by step.  Baby steps.  Walking through it all in my mind.  Last week the nurse practitioner told me if it takes more than 48 hours for the test results to come back the results are probably not good.  She looked at me and said I really don't know why.  I looked at her and said maybe they want to recheck them before they tell someone their life is f***.  I called this morning.  It had been a week today.  They acted almost annoyed that I was calling again.  Said they had me on their planner to call just as soon as the results came in.  So what were the results.  Same as they were before I ever got my cervix frozen in the first place.  Still bad old cells that really need to get the heck out of my body to ensure my long life.  So what is next is a procedure called "LEEP" or Loop electrical excision procedure.  It basically means they are going to take a knife sharp looped tool and go in with a special scope find the cancerous or bad cells and use the tool to cut them out.  They will go well below the places to ensure they get all of it.  This all takes place with a local anesthetic and it all takes place in the doctors office not a hospital.  I will go in and have the procedure and an hour later I'll be at my desk at work.  Some bleeding and probable lots of pain.  In and out.  Just like that and I'm just suppose to take it with a grain of salt.  Then more wait time, retest an go from there.  In and out just like that.  It's nerve racking at best, and today I found myself half wishing no one knew cause then I could bury my head and pretend it isn't happening.  That isn't me though.  I tell my stories, what happens to me and what I go through for several reasons.  One to get it out so it doesn't drive me insane and two to help others who may go through this.  I have had an enormous amount of support and women who have had the same thing happen to them and they give me encouragement.  It's scary being a female and going to the gynecologists office. You just never know what they are going to say and each time I go I am more nervous than the last these days because all I want to do is have it all done and it just keeps going and going and going.  I think my doctor can afford that new BMW now since I keep going in.  Well that was just a quick update.  I'll keep chugging along and I appreciate every one's support.  Right now though I just want to get the next step done and go from there and forget it as much as possible.  We'll see what happens.  It's making me feel like a high school science experiment though.  You know lets see what happens if we do this? 

Deep Breath IN, Deeper Breath OUT!

I'm not expert but I'd be willing to bet that stress is a number one killer of people.  It can do so much damage in such a short amount of time. I know I've had one killer headache since yesterday afternoon.  I've waited four months for my test to see if my cervical cancer is gone.  I'm hoping it is.  I've found though that it is very common among women and I've met a couple that my treatment worked for and a couple it didn't.  The ones it didn't had their cervix removed and were fine then.  I've heard no horror stories of women dying although I'm sure there are a few who have.  I also know there are worse things in life happening to people all the time.  I try to keep that in perspective although again I'll tell you that what affects your life and soul no matter how small to someone else is huge in your own world. It didn't help that the woman told me that test results usually take 24 hours to come back if normal and 48 if not and no call today.  I'm sure I'm on a list to call somewhere and all will be fine though.  STRESS HAS BEEN ADDED.  It is what it is though.  Work has been less stressful, my personal life has been a little stressed.  Over all though I'm good though.  I'm looking forward to a great summer.  I started walking again and I've been watching my diet.  They started me on a thyroid medicine to hopefully help and I'm looking forward to seeing friends at the Elmhurst gathering on the 14th.  I miss Rob.  I remember him saying when I found out I had cervical cancer cells that we would get through this, he'd be here for me.  I'm sure he meant it.  I just wish he were here.  I'm sure on some level in spirit he is.  Hopefully the doctors will call tomorrow and I can move on with the next chapter.  I know I'm strong though and with everything that happens in my life like this I grow stronger.  I have great friends and family.  I'm luckier than most.   Well that is it on the update front for now.  For now it's deep breath in and deep breath out and walk knowing God is with me either way. 

Count Down to April 9th, UH or Whenever...

So made it through another health issue.  Seems like I've had more than my fair share lately, but I do realise there are others that have had it much more worse than myself.  Our own issues are serious for us though and in my own I struggle not to worry myself sick and to just face each item as it comes along.  So much fun comes with age.  As my grandmother Lula use to say life is only good as long as one's health allows them to enjoy it.  I felt human today.  I know that may sound odd but I actually had a day where most of the day I felt really good.  My last scare turned out to be a thin uterine lining.  Mine was a bit thin.  The fix was to give me some estrogen patches and raise my estrogen levels which trust me has me having hot flashes but it's not all bad.  Now I'm just waiting for the next test.  No cancer in my Uterus, but did the freezing of my Cervix kill the cancer cells there?  I go in on April 9th for that test which means I swill probably know the week after that.  I have a new diet they have me following and I'm having to try to cut out a lot of carbohydrates, breads, caffeine.  They want me to do three days on, two off four on, two off three on two off and so on.  Lots of fruits and veggies in this new diet.  I like fruits and veggies though and summer is coming so walking is going to be my thing again this year.  Be ready to see lots of pictures and posts on my walking journey.  I can finally go back to the gym again too so I hope to be toning and getting back in better shape.  As with each summer I want to make as many happy memories as I can with my friends and family.  I love being outside so it's going to be a great one I think.  Who doesn't love 78 and higher temps in March?  I am loving it myself.  Well this is a short to the point and sweet update, but I wanted to put one out here.   Enjoy the weekend, it's going to be a great one I'm certain. 

My Health Update...

So as you all may or may not remember I had my cervix frozen in November two days before Thanksgiving.  I don't actually go back and get the test retaken for that until April 9th to see if it killed the cancer or not, but it has definately had me somewhat nervous.  I have had to go to my gyno again though.  I started my cycle on January 24th and it just never went away.  It's still here.  Yeah.  Fun eah? So I went to the doctors last Wednesday after giving up that it was going to go away on it's own.  What do they tell me?  Basically it's a crap shoot and they don't know why it's happening.  It's not menepause.  Not enough symptoms and I know yeah I'm getting there in age, but that just isn't it.  They drew 8 tubes of blood that they are going to test my blood count, test for anemia, check my thyroid and I forget what else.  I go next Wednesday to have an Ultra sound done on my Uterus next Wednesday and to get my test results from my blood work.  What do they say could be the problem?  Well they say it could be an under active thyroid, or my uterus lining may have thinned from birth control pills or yeah they said it, it could be uteran cancer.  As usual though they assured me that probably isn't the case and even if it is we can just take the plumbing out.  Somehow that isn't real reassuring to me.  I think Doctors and Nurses and Nurse practioners all take a course in how to freak you out.  Am I right?  I know I have lots of family out here on Facebook that are medical.  Is it a lets freak you out so you'll be prepared for he worst and if not April fools?  I feel ok for the most part except for the constant bloating, cramps, back ache and headaches and lack of energy...  Yeah I know but you either have to laugh or cry.  I just hope next week we get some resolution to this.  It's been going on too long and in the end maybe it's just stress.  Good Lord knows I've had enough of that in the last four months or so.  My cousin lost her husband today.  My heart breaks for her so I know my worries are small and it could be worse, but I would appreciate prayers.  Never hurts to have others speaking to the Man up stairs on your behalf.  God Bless everyone.  Have a great weekend.

Waiting For The Fire To Burn Out...

Life definately likes to keep me on my toes and I definately know how to withstand the pressure of being on them.  Never seems like there is a moment I'm not questioning something.  Some of you may know this, some may not, so I will share my story as I often do to keep my friends informed and to help others that may go through similar circumstances.  It's always better to be armed with the information than to not.  If you're squimish about female things you may want to stop reading now.  Recently I took my annual pabst smear and my "boob smasher"  or otherwise known as a mamogram.  The mamogram came out fine and as a few of you may recall a couple of years ago I had a breast cancer scare when they found a place in my breast but it turned out to be nothing.  The waiting, worrying and not knowing were hell though and it went on for months.  What I didn't know at that time was there were plenty of girls who had had the exact same experience.  Knowing that might have calmed my nerves some.  Maybe not either though.  My pabst smear came back with an abnormal reading this time.  That could mean a lot of things.  They did a biopsy on Wednesday.  I was scared to have that because I was told it would hurt like hell.  It hurt but not really that badly.  I mean I've felt worse pain.  I guess I have a high tolerance when it comes to physical pain.  The procedure itself was quick.  Fifteen minutes from start to finish.  Lots of blood, won't kid you there. It was numb though so I really didn't feel a lot of pain.  I did feel sore and as the day went on that bruised and sore feeling grew as the stuff they used to numb it wore off, but again not to an unbearable amount of pain.  The next morning and day was the worst because I was nautious all day.  The doctors office called to check on me which is nice but I would appreciate them a lot more if they were not making me wait until the 9th of November to find out what is causing the abnormal reading. Again there are lots of options, but the biggie is the C word none of us ever want to hear and yes it does bother me some to think about it.  I have been assured that worst case scenario is probably going to be pulling the plugs on the female plumbing.  I suppose there is nothing wrong with that since I'm not really using it and have no future plans to.  Kind of makes me sad.  I did want children, but I had all ready kind of resolved myself to the fact that if I ever have children they will be adopted anyhow. Right now I subscribe to the borrow and return theory which works out well for me.  I've got a strong network of family and friends and I appreciate all the positives I've heard form you all.  I also appreciate no one saying a word to my parents yet.  They don't need the stress and worry and hopefully there will be nothing to tell.  Right now I'm just waiting for the fire to burn down on the days till I find out.  I'm taking it one day at a time and trying not to make it more than what it is.  The picture above is of a burning trailer I passed this morning on my way to work.  Luckily no one lived there so it's just a tailer but it could have been someone's whole life going up in flames.  I guess I kind of took it as an analogy for my own thoughts and life.  That is the update on me for now.  God bless an keep you all as you're in my heart always. 

Like A Hooker On Ice...

There are a ton of cliche's out there that would fit my life right now.  I'm not sure if that would be considered a good thing or a bad thing.  It is basically what it is though and there isn't much I can do to change it.  Life definately changes on a dime without much notice or warning.  I know in the past few months a friend and an old classmate both have passed away, as well as the dad of a friend of mine.  Those are major life altering changes in lives.  True they touch my life but not like they do the loved one who are left behind.  In those months I've also gone from being committed to someone to being completely single again as well as have a few other friends of mine.  Life is a slippery slope they say and they would be right.  It feels like sometimes you just can't get ahead.  I know there are a ton of things I need to get done, but with work and working out and trying to get in shape it just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day to do all I need to do.  I've also met a wide vareity of people lately.  Some good, some not so much.  I'm always fascinated by the human mind.  I'm always trying to figure people out.  I see so many of the people in my life making what I would consider mistakes, but it really isn't my place to tell them.  If they were gonna get hurt to the point of losing their life then maybe, but the kind of hurt they are going to go through for the most part is heart ache.  If I did try to warn them they wouldn't listen.  It's just the way it is.  The school of hard knocks is the one most of us attend on a regular basis.  It's not that we want to hurt, but most of us are willing to take that chance for what little happiness we can find.  I'm hoping this summer will be one filled with much happiness for myself and for those in my world.  I know lately it doesn't seem any of them can catch a break, but I believe they and I will.  I have to believe that happiness is out there just waiting to grab me by the shoulders and shake me.  So other than my life and my friends life can we address some other things?  Like the economy and the political genius that we've elected to run it?  Oh wait, probably shouldn't.  Not that I wouldn't but I'm not sure what to make of it all to tell you the honest truth.  Then there is this crazy weather we've been having.  Is summer ever going to get here this year?  I suppose I'll have to find a little fake sun to make myself feel better.  Fake is better than none?  I don't think that is a cliche is it?  Well, I just wanted to check in and I'll try to write something a little more profound soon, but right now to tell you the truth my life is a little like a hooker on ice, can't stand up but the job's lying on the back anyway so why worry. 

Along The Road to Success You Are Bound To Meet an Ass or Two

So the holidays are over and I’ve spent the last two weeks working my tail off to remove the few pounds I put on with the holidays to get back to where I was so I can continue my weight loss journey. They say what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I guess I’ll find out. I have been walking five miles a day and lifting weights and doing a work out in the gym at least 6 days a week for the past two and I’m happy to say I dropped the Christmas weight by doing it. I can tell you too though that I’m worn out, tired and very sore. It takes getting up earlier than I’d like and I’ve been averaging about six and a half hours of sleep a night. I’m an eight to ten hour sleep girl for me to be happy. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it. I slacked off for a couple of months around the holiday. There were too many things going on, too many distractions and not enough time in the day to get it all done. I want to drop down to my appropriate weight by mid summer at least so I’m pushing myself. Don’t worry though I eat a balanced diet and take vitamins. I also spend a lot of time soaking my pour aching feet. It hasn’t been an easy journey and it takes constant reminding me that I’m doing it for me to keep me motivated. Today at the gym a woman asked me if I ever felt like giving up and I simply answered with every day. It would be so much easier to stay home and sleep, lie on the sofa and watch television or read a book and eat whatever I want, but it wouldn’t make me happy it would just make me less sore. Believe it or not though the exercise was not the hardest part of coming off of the holidays, but rather the changing the diet back to being healthy and balanced that was a chore. I’m getting there though, little by little. Most people are very encouraging that I’ve had to deal with on my journey. I started out weighing more than five hundred pounds and I’ve lost over three hundred. Most people are amazed and full of praise and encouragement for me to complete my journey. Every once in a while you run into a complete and utter jerk though that believes they know it all and they have all the answers. That can drag you down if you let it. It can even cause people to fall back into old habits. Having been that heavy I remember how hard it was in my mind to be in public and always feel like people were judging me. I remember the thought of exercising in public scared me to death and eating was never fun because you assumed that people were watching every bite you took. Shopping was a terrifying adventure in its own right. Nothing was ever in my size and no one seemed to want to help me. I had to fight past the images of hatred that are out there. I had to not think of the few idiots that would laugh and judge and ridicule me and decide I was going to do it for me and I wasn’t going to let them hold me back. I had to want it and want it more than I had ever wanted anything before. It’s a different world for me today, even though I still have some to lose. I get asked out quiet a lot. Guys literally stop and back out of doors they were coming in to hold them open for me. If I’m shopping people come up and offer to help me and I never have trouble finding something in a size I can wear in any of the stores. Not to mention I can fit in the seats in waiting rooms and I can walk with out dying for a breath of air or my legs and back killing me. So what got me on this article today was an event that happened early last week. There was a guy I had gone out on one date with last summer. He was fun and it was a great date and we even talked a few times on the phone afterwards, but in those conversations I learned a lot. In one conversation he talked about being broke but wanting another date. I told him money wasn’t important we could do something that didn’t cost anything and he told me no we couldn’t that to have fun he liked to go out and spend money and drink. About everything that sounded fun in this guy’s world required beer I believe. Not a good sign for someone who use to date a drunk. I really don’t want to go down that alley again ever. In talking with him I also learned that although he loved to work with handicapped children he wasn’t so good with adults. He lived by himself with three kittens at the time, probably cats now. Everything this guy started to say told me more and more that dating him probably wasn’t a good option for me, but I always like to keep friends and I feel we can be a positive influence in people’s lives, but we have to be there to be that positive influence. I liked him, but I didn’t like some of the stuff he was saying. He hated gay people and everything they stood for. He at one time compared them to child molesters. I tried to explain the error of his thinking. I let him know that I respect he has his right to his opinion but that this comparison was well off base. These people are not hurting children and their sexual preference is not even close to the same thing. What they do in their personal life is none of his business and his being that judgmental and hateful just isn’t right. He didn’t stop with just gay people though, he pretty much hated black people too as far as I could tell. Archie Bunker would have nothing on this guy. I still wanted to try to help him see differently. All people are equal in Gods eyes. God may or may not like what someone is doing but he loves them all equally. Sexual preference and skin color don’t have anything to do with who a person is inside. This guy saw them all as sinners. Well he cherishes drinking, isn’t there something in the Bible about that? We all sin. We all have to be forgiven for those sins and the only one who should judge us is God, so I guess he’s sinning again by judging people now isn’t he? So at one point this guy dropped off my Facebook page because he just couldn’t stand some of the post by my friends. So I figure his option. A few months back he called my home number out of the blue. Said I had made him see things differently and wanted to be my Facebook friend again. He wanted me to come spend time with him and see him in his little town of Berne. I’m not much for driving but I told him I might do karaoke with him sometime there. So he was being polite and all seemed to be ok. Then last week his car broke down and he made a comment to me about needing attention and I’d know what he meant if I didn’t hang around so many gay people. I understood what he meant just fine, but hey he’s the one who moved to a one horse town because he said everyone in Fort Wayne was a waste of space and he wished it would just disappear or something like that. I think I’m saying it more politely. I think my one friend was right when he said this guy has major anger issues because I don’t know what bee crawled up his rear but he decided to start making nasty remarks and started calling me a liar on my Facebook post. I had posted that I had just finished a five mile walk, which I had, and I was going to lift some weights. He posted: “Yeah right.” Then proceeded to call me a liar, tell me he knew a lot about fitness and I should be ripped if I worked out like I was saying I did on Facebook. I told him it takes a while and I’m getting there and he called me a liar again. He proceeded to tell me he knew fitness. I’d say he knows how to bake his skin too long in the sun, but looking at him fitness is not my first guess as to what he knows. He’s got some muscles… of course one of them is beer induced. He just went off on me in a hateful rage on Facebook. I’ve never been mean to this guy, tried to treat him with respect, tried to be his friend even when I didn’t agree with his opinions and here he is trying to undermine everything I’ve worked so hard for. The old me would have probably gotten a little discouraged. The new me just got pissed off. It wasn’t like he sent me a note and asked how long you been doing this, and are you seeing any progress. If not maybe I can help. That would have been nice. No he went on a tirade. He is definitely someone who needs a full length mirror and needs to take a good, long, and healthy look in it. He has anger issues and hatred issues. I try to hang in there with people I really do. Any of my friends will tell you I try not to judge and I will tell you how I feel but I will respect your rights to your own opinions. I try to be a good friend, but this guy had broken the final straw for me. I guess the whole point of this article is to let anyone out there who is struggling with an issue know that there are more people out there who will support you than the ones who will try to knock you down and that you’re not alone. The assholes are far and few in reality and when you encounter one, laugh because they really are not worth your time and their life is far worse than yours in comparison. They bully and push because their lives are lacking and you’re trying to pull yourself up and they can’t stand that they really suck and you’re doing better. Brush off their dust and move on is what I say. I have loving family, wonderful friends and a multitude of supporters for my journey. I’ll gladly cheer any of you on in yours. I just find it sad that along the road to success you are bound to meet an ass or two.

A Life of Seasons and Pet Peeves

I will be the first to admit that I live my life through my passions. I am a highly emotional person who feels things very deeply. I love completely. If I bring you into my life it’s really hard for me to let you go no matter what. Once you’re in my heart you’re there to stay. We all know life changes though. Just like the seasons there is a spring of newness, a summer of warmth, a fall where it grows a little colder and a winter freeze. It happens consistently every year and constantly. My friends will tell you, if they are honest, that I have the most forgiving nature of anyone you will meet. This is because I know we are all human and I know I do things daily that my friends loved ones and others could read as awful and worth a good chastising. I may give them my opinions, I may tell them I don’t like what they are doing or feel that they are wrong, but I love my family of choice by which others would call friends. I stand by them and support them and even offer them a shoulder if they need a good cry. As a friend recently said, it’s what friends do. When pushed though I will let you go out of my life if it’s the best choice for me. Human nature and self preservation always win out in the end. The last two months for me have been full of changes. They do leave me a little bit of an emotional wreck, but don’t worry I have a good support system to help keep me standing. I’ve lost a friend or two. One to death, the other well their choices made it so. It’s the way it goes. We all have choices in life. Me? I need to work on being more secure in things in my life. I have a tendency to live my life always expecting the other shoe to drop. That is good on one hand because when it does it isn’t as painful, but it’s bad in that we have a tendency to see things that aren’t there if we are expecting them to be. Kind of like the water on the road theory I would think. You know looking in the summer on the road far ahead it looks like water, but you get there and there isn’t any. So I’m working on that. I’m also working on having more patience. Not easy. I have a ton of pet peeves. I mean hearing 3 or 4 radios playing at work when I’m trying to work drives me nuts. There are things called headphones. I use mine when I listen to my music. Not as bad as the singing to the songs. This isn’t American Idol. Of course it kind of reminds me of the auditions. I probably shouldn’t finish my thought there. I’m trying to hold it in and not let it bother me. I like peace and quiet when I’m working. To each their own though. It’s not worth a fight or even a complaint and if I were going to I would complain to them if it got to bothering me that badly. What are some of my other pet peeves? Well right up there at the top is people blowing their nose at the table. Really, you think someone taking a bite of food wants to be reminded of your mucus flow? You could go to the bathroom you know. Manners, get up, excuse yourself and come back. I’m not talking about wiping your nose I’m talking about the people with the car horns for noses in restaurants. I have a tendency to believe they were raised in a barn and the pigs didn’t mind so you know why would anyone else? Then here is one that absolutely drives me nuts: Shuffling your feet instead of walking. Are you that damn lazy that you can’t pick up your feet when you walk? You know your ass might actually get some good out of the movement. It sounds awful and it suggests exactly what I’m stating that you are too lazy to do better. Here we go too… Really chewing with your mouth open and making smacking sounds? Do you think that makes you sexually appealing? I know I know. I have a lot of pet peeves and yes I know I do things that annoy myself and others. I’m opinionated and stubborn and very vocal. Sometimes I feel these things are a plus, but a lot of times they just get me in trouble. I also annoy myself by being overly emotional, but I chalk that up to my passions and desire. I’m very passionate about everything I do. It’s a blessing and a curse, but one I’ll gladly keep in this case. I am a person who has grown over the last couple of years to be a person who doesn’t like to hear all the negativity either. If you don’t have something good to say think twice before complaining. There is nothing worse than listening to someone and everything that comes out of their mouth is negative whether it is about their own life or their friends and family. Surely not everything in your life is that awful and perhaps you need a full length mirror so you can look into it and evaluate your life a little more closely because if it’s all negative you best be looking for some positive. Seasons change. People are there, and then they are not for one reason or another. One should enjoy them while they can. If you’ve lived the good times wisely and cherished them you’ll have something to reflect back on and hold tight to when the winter’s freeze of change grabs hold. Yes I know my life needs some work. I know what I want though. I want to have someone to come home to and make dinner for and take are of. I want to listen to them complain, argue with them, love them and make them happy. If I never have that though I still know that I have chosen my closest friends wisely. They are wonderful and loving and always there for me even when I do something stupid. I may have to pick them up off the floor when they stop laughing, but they are there for me. I have been blessed and I will work on my life this year to lose the remainder of my weight that I want to take off, get in the best shape I can and grow emotionally better. Patience is something I have never had, but I’m working on it. God Bless you all on your own journey. Anyone care to share what their pet peeves are? You can do it anonymously if you like. I know different things bother different people. Feel free to let me know. After all difference is good and sharing is better in a life of seasons and pet peeves.

Pizza Casserole

Pepperoni Pizza Bake
Prep time about 30 minutes
Back time about 40 minutes

What you need:

1 package (16oz) spiral pasta
2 cans (15oz) pizza sauce
2 pounds ground beef
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1 large onion, chopped
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 cups milk
1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
4 cups (16oz) Shredded mozzarella cheese
1 package (3-1/2 oz) sliced pepperoni

What to do:

Cook pasta according to package directions.
Cook the beef, onion, salt and pepper over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain and stir in the pizza sauce, garlic salt and Italian seasoning; remove from the heat and set aside.

In a small bowl, combine the eggs, milk and Parmesan cheese.

Drain the pasta and combine and toss with egg mixture.
Transfer to a greased 3qt baking dish. Top with beef mixture, mozzarella cheese and pepperoni.

Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Uncover; bake 20-25 minutes longer or until golden brown.

Makes 12 servings.

A Resolution of Lies.

This is the time of New Years resolutions that people make to hopefully improve their lives. Most of them enter into them with the best of intentions but will never even come close to carrying them through. This really isn’t because the person doesn’t want to or even is incapable of it; it’s normally because the expectation and the realization rarely coincide. Life if you think of it is exactly the same way. Human nature has us setting our expectations so high that when they don’t pan out the way we wanted we are left feeling bereaved and down. I try to keep my expectations of things in life simple. It doesn’t mean I don’t get let down or hurt I do and often, but it’s easier for me to bounce back because I understand we don’t live in a movie where things just happen to work the way we want and a pretty happy ending is sure to be. What do I look for in friends, family and lovers? I look for honesty. I would rather be hurt by the truth than crushed by a lie. I can work through almost anything with any of the aforementioned too as my friends will attest as long as they are forth right and willing to be straight with me. The problem is I think honesty is one of the hardest things for people to hand out. I’ve known people who lied about the stupidest stuff just because they thought it sounded better than the truth. Did it hurt anything? Yes. It hurt their own realization of life. Why do I say that? Because they are handing out the lie and living with the realization that what they have told wasn’t the truth and at some point they will probably come to regret it either because they wish the person knew the truth or because it comes out or because they have to face it. What is so comical to me is that usually if the person had told the truth things would have worked out for them, but when the lie is found they usually fall completely apart and sometimes so much so that they can’t be repaired. Again this is human nature though. I would be lying if I said I never lied about anything. I have to spare feelings and such, but I really don’t like to. I try to practice the rule of saying nothing before lying. It’s just easier in the long run. So what New Years resolutions might I have made this year? I want to lose the remainder of the weight I need to get off. I think that is a goal I will accomplish. I want to take better mental care of me. What do I mean by this? I often feel like people give or pay little attention to how things they say or do affect me or how they may or may not hurt me so I get bruised feelings. I’m going to simply start living with the principle of telling them or letting it go. It’s just got to be the way it is. So I think my second goal is quiet attainable to. I also want to work on being more financially stable. That one I don’t know. Time will tell I suppose. So in life I would advice you to look realistically at all aspects. People are human and they are not going to be perfect. They are going to lie about stupid stuff guaranteed. They are going to let us down and hurt us both knowingly and unknowingly. They are also going to make us laugh and bring us lots of love. As I’ve recently said to many in your relationships you have to way the pros and the cons and what you are willing to accept and what you’re not willing to accept. The biggest thing we each and everyone need to remember is that we have all done and all do these things to other people too. So before you tell a friend or a lover a lie next time think it through. Decide if silence or the truth is the better option because I can tell you for certain the lie never is the best way, not even in sparing feelings and I know I’m guilty of it too. Lies come back to taint and hurt that which is most precious to each and every one of us. So Happy New Year and may you make your resolutions and may happiness find itself at your door.

So Who Decides?

Is there such a thing as politically correct? I mean if you just sit and think about it these days we are catering to the few to spite the many. I suppose you want an example. There are a million examples to be given. We live in the United States of America. There are foreigners in our country and I’m good with that, what I am not good with is not flying our flag or saying the pledge of allegiance because we might offend them. I say offend them, if they don’t like it they can go home. This is AMERICA and it is our flag and our pledge of allegiance. Thinking of the pledge of allegiance, whose bright idea, was it to take God out of it? It offended a few so we take it out? What about the many who believe without God our country would perish? What about those who are proud to say it and offended us would leave it out? Then there is prayer in school. Now I’m not advocating making it mandatory and I’m not saying it should be school led, but if little Johnny wants to get on his knees and say a morning prayer he should be able to and it shouldn’t matter that someone else doesn’t like it. They don’t have to join and they don’t have to watch. There are lots of things that are offensive to me that I see as someone else choice and none of my business. Like putting Budweiser beer lights on a Christmas tree I find offensive. That is me though. If I’m in Johnny’s house and he likes it I have the choice of leaving or closing my mouth. I also find it offensive that people want to start calling Christmas tree’s, holiday trees. I don’t desecrate their holiday items by renaming it because a few people got their panties in a wad and I’d prefer they not do it to mine. I don’t care if the court house wants to put up a menorah. I’m cool with it. There is diversity. It’s something we need to embrace not throw out. Why is it ok to have celebrations for anything as long as it’s not a Christian Holiday? I’ll tell you one thing; the Christian people need to start speaking up. The reason the few are getting their way is because like spoiled little brats (yes I said it) they are throwing a fit and the government and all the other people out there who sit quietly are giving them what they want rather than say buck up it’s part of life. It’s like watching a parent in the stores and a child is throwing a fit so the parent gives it candy or a toy and buys it for them to get them to be quiet. The good parent would watch them throw the fit and then pick them up and leave the store and buy nothing. Why are we catering to stupidity? Sorry folks but I’m wound up. We are raising our children to be soft. We don’t want our teachers to tell them they are doing something wrong or poorly? Are you serious? I do. I mean how does it help little Johnny not to learn life lessons? If he doesn’t learn them as he grows he’s in for a shock when he hits the real world and he isn’t going to be prepared to handle it. When I was a child if you back talked a teacher and your parents found out you were getting a tanning and your parents were apologizing to the teacher. Now days if a child does that the parent wants the teacher to take it and say nothing and the parent won’t either. I can’t believe this is what we are coming to. I remember when swats in school were the norm and if you got one you were getting one when you got home too. I don’t advocate leaving bruises but I don’t see anything wrong with punishment and a little spanking. I survived and I wasn’t abused. You wonder why we have more kids growing up and committing suicide, well maybe we should consider that life is too tough for them because we aren’t teaching them to be tough or what the real world is as they are growing up. I lead a fairly sheltered life, but school taught me to be tough. I was shocked by a lot of stuff but prepared to deal with it because I had dealt with adversity growing up in school. Life is hard enough without being painted the pretty picture of life is great when you’re a child. We all know there are children out there that have it tough. There are children living in homes they shouldn’t which could be a whole topic of its own. The government watches what happens at school and slaps teachers for trying to teach respect and honor and pride, but when it comes to the home life they don’t care as long as the parent is providing a roof and food and clothing? Seriously there are so many things that are wrong and the more people say they are trying to fix them, the more they seem to F*** them up if you ask me. I guess I am just tired of a few people deciding what everyone of us should think, say and feel. I mean really we need to start speaking up. Those of us who don’t like to cause waves need to learn to surf the waters and bring in the tide. Do you even know who decides? Do you sit and say my opinion doesn’t count or who cares really? If we don’t take control of this soon our country is going to just keep getting in worse and worse shape. If you and I don’t decide then who does?

Yes, I know I'm Needy, But I'm Working On It.

So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they?

Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my heart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is.

Cookies Are What They Are & So Am I….

So they say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink… I say throw it in and as it’s trying to get out it’s bound to get some water down and will drink. You think you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, make it hungry. I suppose I’m the old dog in this cliché. I can learn given the appropriate circumstances and prompting but I am very old school in a lot of my thinking and actions. I am the first to admit I know very little about dating or at least the way people think it should go these days. I’m not a game player so I’m not going to pretend to be the feeble or be a damsel in distress to get a mans attention. I have been told by many of my friends that I need to learn to play the game. I need to learn to act uninterested and to use a man to get free dinners and movies and then act unattainable to get his attention. Are you serious? Is this what you men want? You want a woman to play games with you? I guess I will forever more be single then because I won’t play games. I won’t act interested in you or lavish you with attention just to use you to get free food or movies. It isn’t who I am. If I am interested in you I see no reason not to let you know and then you can decide from there whether you’re interested. Let me tell you I personally think a man an idiot for not taking me up on my offer because I know I am more than capable of making him more than happy, but that is something men don’t seem to care about. They don’t care I can cook or that I’m loyal or that I enjoy every aspect of the relationship. They really seem to get flustered that if they act uninterested or tell me they aren’t that I don’t chase them or play some game to try to get them interested in me. I don’t have time for games, nor do I want to play them unless they are the games played between two people in love. To me it seems most of you guys want Barbie Dolls. Good luck with that. Barbie dolls are pretentious and will emasculate you at every turn. They will try to keep you under their foot instead of walking proudly beside you or following your lead. I do so want a relationship with someone I am interested in. There is the other rub now isn’t it? Life often has people interested in people who are not interested in them. Is that like a big karmic joke? You know though out of the last two guys I had relationships of any sort with I wasn’t really interested in them when I first met them and couldn’t see myself being interested in them. I mean the one I just had whatever it was I had with when I first met him I thought he was nice but that was it. As I got to know him I began to like him and saw him differently, so guys if a girl isn’t interested at first it doesn’t’ mean she won’t be at some point. It’s all about your approach. Being too eager can make her take a step or two back though. I’m just saying. Now as for dating can someone please explain the rules to me? I mean to me proper etiquette says if I ask you out and don’t discuss the payment arrangements of the date with you ahead of times, then I pay for the date. If you ask me out, you do. Has this changed? I mean I don’t mind going half and half with a guy. I don’t mind paying part or even taking him out every once in a while, but I would like to have it discussed with me. I recently went out on a date where I ended up spending money I wasn’t expecting to and it left me in a really tight financial crunch for the week. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been discussed, but it did bother me somewhat that it wasn’t. I’m just asking because I obviously don’t have a clue anymore about anything in the dating world. Also what point in the dating relationship do you see sex as being an approachable subject? I really find it offensive if it’s on the first date. Am I wrong again? Anyway I suppose I’m just a little on the old fashioned side. I like my doors opened, my chair pulled out and I like the man to order for me. He might ask me what I want, but when the waiter comes I like when a man orders for me. What can I say; I’m a romantic at heart. I’m the type of woman that if I go to a cookout or a party with a man then yes I will be waiting on him. I will go get him something to drink or eat and I will be where he can see me at all times if not right by his side. I’m also the type of girl that once I start dating a man I want him to be secure in our relationship so sorry guys if you’re straight and my friend I’m probably not going to be texting, emailing or calling you. I will probably delete all records of anything before this guy out of my email and my life. As a friend said, if I am not comfortable when my guy walks up to me then whatever I’m doing is wrong. I believe that. So what it comes down to is that cookies are what they are and so am I. I don’t know how to be anyone else. I’m not sure I’d want to be. It’s an adventure to say the least. One that has me down a little because I feel like giving up, but I will keep trying, because you just never really know if love is right around the corner or not.

The Pride and Problems of Being Human

I think all of us have been seated upon a pedestal that someone has placed us on at one time or another. It’s really not a very comfortable position to be in no matter how much one might think it is. The person on the pedestal knows that sooner or later they’ll either be knocked or fall off and then in the eyes of the person that held them there they will somehow be a little less. I had this happen to me recently. I was held in high esteem by someone and had a moment of human weakness. Now that person treats me so differently it’s not even funny, which in some ways knocked them off the pedestal I had placed them on. It is a form of irony, so what can one really say? Sometimes when I know someone is holding me too high up I almost want to run before it ever even becomes a friendship. I don’t run though because I have found in life that you should always take a chance and live and have fun when you can. It can lead to heart ache, but then how much fun is it sitting at home alone on the sofa watching life just passes by you? I do have a little bit of a mean streak in me though. I mean, I know I am a fun person to be around according to most and I have a good time when I am with people, but I can be a little re-active. Yeah that is a good word for it. Example: I met this guy last weekend. He asked for my number, I didn’t sleep with him so I figured fifty-fifty on whether I’d ever hear from him. So he text me and asked me if I wanted to do something Sunday. Not one text but multiple text right up until 6pm to set this all up. Never sent the final text never came. Then the next morning I get an, oh, sorry I was drinking and lost track of time. Then this guy had the nerve to send me another text asking me if I wanted to go out on Monday night and tell me he was eating breakfast with his dad. Was he serious? So yesterday out of the blue I text him a message going wow you know you really need to learn how to follow through message for fun. I think he’d deleted my number and he seemed to have no clue who I was or what I was talking about. He sent me a “What” text message. I simply replied: You’re a big boy and you can figure it out and never responded to the other three text messages he sent trying to figure it out. A little on the mean side, it probably was. What can I say, but that I found it to be a little slice of fun for me? I suppose I really shouldn’t have but then what can I say. I guess I just feel I deserve better than that treatment. I know I feel like I deserve love, which is something life seems to have kept far away from me for far too long. I do believe for the most part though in allowing my friends, family and even ex boyfriends to find happiness and have a good life. I would never interfere in their attempts at doing so. This brings me to another issue. For the record for anyone out there that wants to know I do have self esteem and a little bit of pride, so even if I am interested in you I am not begging, crawling or attempting to sabotage you in any form or fashion to have you. If and when we get together it will be mutuall. I am not one of those soap opera plotters. As a matter of fact, to my dismay I am one of the most honest women I know when it comes to talking to the men in her life. You don’t know how many of my friends have told me I shouldn’t be so honest and I should play hard to get because it’s a game for a guy and they need the game. I guess I’ll stay single then because I don’t play games that the two of us haven’t agreed to ahead of time. I can keep a man smiling though. LOL… Some of you will never know what I mean by that. There are problems with pride in our humanity. It can get in our way and keep us from pulling close to those things that we most desire. This is one article I could probably keep going for an eternity because it is something I believe in. I believe in our humanity to make us unique and interesting. I believe in our pride to keep us humble. I guess you could say I just simply believe in the pride and problems of being human.

********* Plenty Of What? ***********

So after a long break from the dating world I decided to give it a whirl a few months back. It has been an interesting adventure to say the least. The dating game has changed over the years that I took myself out of it. Did you know that “hooking up” is now terminology for get together to have sex? Funny when I say it I mean lets do lunch or dinner or a movie. People also now have a more open concept to when sex should be started in a relationship. I for one don’t think it should be on the first date. So I decided to check out some of the websites out there for singles. The three I chose to check out where “ZOOKS” on face book, www.LatinoPeopleMeet.com and www.plentyoffish.com which is a free website. The “ZOOKS” website and “Latino People” both charge you a monthly service fee to utilize their websites. I doubt I will be a member for more than one month on either of the chargeable sites. I haven’t found them to be much different than the one that is free so why bother. I tried “ZOOKS” simply because it was connected to face book. On it I have only found one guy that I would consider relationship interest to me, but did find one that is a friend interest so I guess it has been worth it on that. On Latino People I have found several prospects but so far nothing that has come to have anything come of it. I joined that site because Latin mean get my blood to pumping. Unfortunately a lot of the guys on there don’t get that a woman might be on that website because she’s looking for Latin men, but then I guess the men could say the same about the women. I’m not Latin. When I first signed up, the first website I signed up for was Plenty of Fish. What an awful name first of all. Shouldn’t we women be offended? I guess I’m over it though because I have had seven dates in the last two weeks off that site. When I first signed up for the site though I sort of felt like fresh bait in a piranha tank. I couldn’t believe how quickly and how many emails I got. I started out trying to be friendly for niceness sake with anyone who emailed me. Trust me when I say I’ve gotten over that rather quickly as I was asked a bunch of things I really don’t find polite conversation. It’s amazing though how asked by one can offend you and by another not so much. I guess human nature that if someone attractive asks it doesn’t sound as bad? That is bad isn’t it? What kills me though is one guy I had great emails going on with I gave my cell number and the first thing he did was send me a picture of himself in a Speedo. Let me tell you this guy should NEVER be seen in a Speedo and I guess his sending me that picture should have been a clue to run right then and there. Since he and I had such good emailing conversations before that though I tried to look past the ugly picture that was now embedded in my mind. I mean after all personality can make people who may not be that attractive, attractive to me. So what happens. This guy not only tells me he wears a size sixteen shoe and he hopes “size” isn’t a problem for me, but then he tells me he has a “lip” fetish and likes them big (no he wasn’t talking about the ones on my face, I know sick right?). Oh and get this… the final icing on this guys cake was that he told me he had to sleep with me to find out if there was a possibility of a second date. Say what? What a conceited, selfish, idiot this guy was. He’s a fireman in Elkhart too. Feel sorry for them. At least he really was good at putting out fires cause I wanted him before he revealed himself to be the big jerk that he was. Fire successfully put out. Good job Mr. Fireman. Then there was a twenty-one year old guy who wanted to VTEXT me naked pictures of himself so I could see if I wanted to screw him or not because he definitely wanted to hook up with me. First of all he’s young enough to be my son, secondly I’m not sure that is a good foundation for a relationship, of course I really don’t think he was looking for a relationship. Then there is this one that seems really sweet and all, but I’m thinking he has a wife or a girlfriend. He’s never on in the evenings or weekends… .only seems to be on from work. I’m thinking what is wrong with that picture? My over all opinion though.. I think it is possible that on one of these sites one could find a good relationship. I had a very enjoyable dinner on Thursday night with a man and laughed and laughed. On Friday night I enjoyed the company of a very nice man as well. So I guess they do exists. I also met someone not on the website… Not sure any of them are the one but I guess time will tell. I don’t really see a reason to pay a website with a free one out there though. I also think there are some old fashioned ways that are still good to find a date. At least on Plenty of Fish you know right up front whether the person has kids and whether they want more or not. For me that is a big issue right there. I mean if I never have children I am fine with it, but if I get with a guy that wants kids then he needs to know one or two at the most at my age. There are lots more guys I could tell you about on these dating sites and I am sure they have their own war stories, but for now I am going to give it a little more time and see what happens. I will update you as I go along. As they say for now I guess I will keep fishing and see if anything nips at the bait. Again, plenty of what?

I Use To Think I was Invisible.

Through most of my life I have felt invisible, almost as of I am nothing more than a thread of existence that dwindles in the air. It always amazes me to find out someone thought of me or wondered about me or brought me up in conversation. All my life I’ve felt as if I didn’t really matter that much to most people. I know my brother loves me and my mom and dad and some aunts and some other family and friends, but I have most often felt like it wouldn’t matter if I weren’t here. I try to fight that feeling most of the time because I do enjoy life, but sometimes someone says or does something that knocks one back into a memory that brings them full circle. This week has been that kind of week for me. A memory that ran through my mind so clearly was the first death that meant anything to me. I am lucky I suppose to say that didn’t occur until I was sixteen years old, but then are we lucky to know the sting of death at any age? Perhaps it would have been easier had I known more about it and been prepared. My grandmother Lula, my dad’s mom, died on November 27, 1983. I was sixteen years of age and I felt like my entire world had fallen apart. I remember that Thanksgiving being somber because my grandmother was in the hospital. We had planned to leave the day after to go and see her. My dad didn’t think it wise to try to drive on the holiday itself. The drive to the hospital in Kentucky, I believe it was Lexington (if memory serves), was a quiet one. We arrived late evening and walked into the Cardio ICU waiting lounge where my uncle announced that my grandmother was gone. Not completely though. She had no brain activity and the hospital had to wait for her blood pressure to drop to be able to take her off life support. I stood back from everyone else and watched as they hugged and cried and talked. I don’t know how long went by. I remember my aunt trying over and over again to get me to go see my grandmother to say good bye. I remember thinking so many things. One being that God could not be so cruel as to take her away before I had a chance to marry and give her grand children, or even to know of my graduation. What was there to say good bye too went through my mind as well? If she was brain dead she wasn’t there. I didn’t’ want to. Saturday afternoon I let them talk me into it though. It was the worst mistake of my life and I have regretted it to this day. I went in to find a shell of a woman. She was very thin, not the plump figure of a woman I remembered. There were tubes everywhere. Her eyes twitched and a tear was in the corner of one eye. Her fingers moved. It was extremely confusing in my mind to reconcile that all this was caused by the machines that kept her body warm. We had been told that it could be a week or better before they could remove her from life support so we left for home the next day on Sunday. It was storming outside which suited my mood. We got home to a phone call saying they had removed her so the next day on Monday we made the journey all the way back. We got there late evening. I had never been to a funeral home that I recalled until that day. We walked in to find it full of family and friends and again I kept to myself for the most part. People were laughing and talking and I was just getting angrier by the moment. How could they be laughing when my grandmother lay so lifeless and still in a coffin. It took me a couple of years to realize that they were actually honoring her memory with their laughter and conversation. As is with our custom my grandmother was moved to the church the next night for church services and the following day after that there were church services for her funeral as well. Both days I sat by myself and watched as each person had someone to comfort them and help them through, yet I sat alone and tried to remain strong. I felt invisible. I felt as if I was expected to show some decorum of strength. It's haunted me to my very core to this day and it started a long path of my trying to always appear to be strong and never weak. As of late my more human side has been showing though. I remember back to my grandmothers funeral. I believe that was the only time I ever remember to this day seeing my dad cry. I don't feel quiet invisible anymore though there are days I wish I did. I guess life's lessons just have something else in store for me right now because I feel more like I can't ever get out of the site of people right now than that I am invisible. So which is better? Good question.

What Makes A Friend A Friend?

I’ve been blessed in my life to have some of the most wonderful friends, who not only care for me, but will go above and beyond for me. They are in essence my family of my own making. I have family members that I love and care a lot about, but I am not close with very many of them. Some of this is due to distance and some of it is due to busy lives and never taking the time. Then I suppose there are those that just don’t give a damn about me. Blood makes us family by blood. We can choose to grow that bond strong, as my brother and I have, or we can choose to just see it as what it is, blood. To me though family is someone who is in your heart and on your mind and they are the people you want to see happy and healthy. Not that you don’t want everyone happy and healthy, but your self imposed family is one that you worry about. So what makes a friend a friend? I believe a true friend is one that won’t say things intentionally to hurt your feelings, but won’t lie to you if asked a direct question. I believe they are there for you if your car breaks down or if they can’t be they call around until someone is or call you a cab and send it your way, but they make sure they are there for you. I believe a friend is someone you laugh with and someone you cry with. I believe they are a person who will give advice yet respect your decision not to listen to it. They will love you even when they know you are dating the world’s biggest loser and rejoice when you are dating a saint. They will watch you melt down and go insane yet will stay steady by your side. (True they may put you in a straight jacket, but hey…) A true friend will not betray you intentionally. (We all slip from time to time) They will not get angry at your other friend choices even if they don’t agree you should be friends with them. They will not judge you, even when they think you’re nuts. They will bail you out if they can and if they can’t they will visit you in jail. (Hopefully I never have to test that one.) A friend sits with you when you’re sick and makes you chicken soup. They try to make you laugh when you’re sad and they are always sympathetic to your mood even when they want to slap you silly. I am blessed because most people are lucky I they ever find one fiend this way. I have several. You all mean the world to me. Your cheering me on during my weight loss and listening to my ramblings as I am getting ready to start my third year of blogging have meant the world to me. I started this blog on July 14, 2008 at the suggestion of one of these very special friends. I have received an over whelming amount of emails and comments and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I’m glad I didn’t ignore his advice on that one. I am honest so there is nothing I have put in my blog I would ever hide, even though I probably don’t want my parents reading it. They have a hard enough time understanding me and accepting how different from them I am. So again I thank my friends and my readers and I welcome all emails or comments. If I don’t always post your comments sometimes I find them very personal and am selfish and don’t share. So what makes a friend a friend to you?

Judge Not...

I am the queen of over thinking things. Lately my hormones (due to medications) have been a raging mess. I cry at the drop of a hat. Commercials make me cry. Now if you know anything about me you know I am not the type to cry easy so this is really screwing with my head. Then with the fact that my mind is constantly going you know I’m bound to make mistakes. Oh, well. I have always tried not to judge other people and let them live their lives. I let them make their mistakes without my imputing my two cents to make them feel worse when it falls apart, but I am human and as a human we judge things all the time. We judge people by how they walk, how they speak, how they dress and even who they date or hang out with. We make pre-conceived opinions based on stereo types that society has set in place. We judge foods, and jobs as well as books and movies and music. The bible tells us not to judge unless we want to be judged, well I have found the last few times I’ve been judgmental about anything it has come back to bite me in the ass. My biggest problem I have with judging people is I have a tendency to expect people to react like people from my past. I know everyone has been hurt, but I carry scars that appear to cause me to keep making the same mistakes. I expect people to let me down eventually. I look for it. I wait for it. It shocks me when they don’t or when I assume they have and I find out they haven’t. It’s a learning experience I suppose. Hopefully it’s one that doesn’t keep happening and doesn’t cost me happiness. Recently someone asked me what I want out of life and out of a relationship with a man. It’s easy really. Out of life I want enough money to pay my bills, a place to rest my head and for my body to be in shape and healthy. Out of a relationship I want my best friend. I want someone who is willing to share everything with me whether it’s their heartbreak and tears or their laughter and smiles. I want someone who even when they aren’t in the mood will still give me a reassuring hug or touch. I want someone I can depend on and someone who depends on me. I want honesty. I think honesty is the key to everything and yet sometimes I forget to open my mouth and offer it. I want someone I don’t have fear with. I want someone I can be proud of and someone who is proud of me. I want someone I could see being a good dad and a good lover. I want someone who can give me guidance and advice and can do it lovingly. I guess you could say I want it all. Hey don’t judge me. Doesn’t everyone want it all? So I’ll keep trying to judge not I suppose. What about you?

Believe In Yourself --- You CAN Do It!

THEN...

If you don't believe in yourself why should anyone else believe in you? I'm very familiar with weight issues and the enormous amount of self doubt and self loathing that can accompany the extra pounds. I'm really familiar with the pain associated with the aching joints when one is carrying around extra weight and trying to walk. I remember very well walking around Meijer in agony and even on occasion having to sit half way through the store on one of the benches to rest before I continued. I remember thinking there was no way I could ever lose the weight. It wasn't possible. I wasn't in good enough health. My knees were bad. My back had problems. I couldn't breath right. I had a million reason's not to exercise. By the way I no longer have any of those problems. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't like myself and I really could think of no reason to try to change. I was depressed and lonely. I had withdrawn from my life except for work and family. I know you've heard the story before. It really does come down to believing in yourself and wanting it so badly you can taste it. I believe this is pretty much true of anything you want to do. If you believe in yourself and surround yourself with a good support team you can do it. I buy clothes now that are a little snug. They remind me to not eat so much. I force myself to go to places that use to be a tight fit as a reminder that I need to keep working at it. I don't always eat what I should, but I do try. I love exercising now. I love that I can hop in and out of the car and quickly go into the store and grab what I need and I don't have to worry about the pain and the problems I use to. I love that I get attention and not for the same reasons I use to. So if you're wanting to stop smoking or lose weight or anything else. Just ask yourself how badly you want it. Remind yourself you are capable of anything and then believe it. I believe in you, so now you just need to believe in yourself. You really can do it.

----------->>>>>>>>>>>>NOW---->>>>>>