Why I'm here....

Since I've always been quick with an opinion an old friend once lost and again found suggested that perhaps I should share with more people my commentary. Never being one to pass on a challenge I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Holiday Blessings Are Once Again Upon Us...

“For whatever you celebrate this festive season (Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Santa and the gift of giving and receiving, a new year or just being alive) I would like to wish you and yours the merriest and brightest it can bring.

Ho! Ho! Ho!  Well, not quiet yet.  Recently at work I had a slow day and went ahead and did my Christmas decorations a little early.  I actually feel like celebrating the holidays for the first time in years.  I feel healthy, I'm looking at getting my life on track, my brother has a wonderful new girlfriend that fits so nicely in our family and I actually had a date that went very nicely last night.  With my decorating there were several people who felt that I was a little too early and one person even started a conversation about how we never decorate for Thanksgiving anymore, that its a lost holiday.  Well there are some decoration up in the office for Thanksgiving but fall decorations are not really my thing.  I also feel that we should all be thankful for our blessings each and every day not one day a year.  It's nice to sit down and do the family thing, but how many people do that anymore?  It's gotten so commercialized it's pathetic. I am actually looking forward to being off on Thanksgiving this year.  I have opportunity to work it and it's great money but I think this year relaxation and a movie like I did days of olden sounds wonderful.  The one thing I have always believed and always will is that every day is a blessing.  I may not feel my best but the good Lord blessed me to be here another day and looking at it I try to find the bright and shining stars and thoughts rather than the dark and bleak.  None of us have a perfect life but we have the life we have and if you look you can find the love and happiness within it.  

So Merry Christmas!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Happy Hanukkah!  Blessed Kwanzaa and may Santa bring me lots and lots of stuff... I mean may Santa be kind to you all.  ;-)

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Speed of Dating...

Men are fickle and women are gold diggers.  OK, maybe not really but how often do we hear these things?  I've never been one who understood why there were rules to dating, let alone what they are.  I am definitely different than most people from what I can tell. I suppose that is not a good thing or a bad thing it just is.  I like to make friends with people and once I do they are usually a part of my heart so even if we aren't dating I will chat with them.  This seems to be taboo to most people.  I like to give to people my time, things they like and yes even some times advice they probably don't want or solicit.  It's just who I am.  I love life.  I like doing things with people, but I also like my alone time.  I have never found someone I was willing to give up my freedom for yet.  That in itself I am told is a scary proposition.  I mean because I'm 48 and never went through with a marriage some people assume I wouldn't or I never will.  That is not true.  If I found someone who treated me right and whom I felt I could have a good life with I would have no problem.  I've just mostly dated losers in my life and have not felt obligated to join their train of self destruction and pity.  If you're reading this right now and we used to date you'll have to be the judge of whether that is you or not or whether we just didn't click as more than friends.  I am guessing it won't be that hard for most of you to figure out.  I have also found that some of the guys I have went out with were very quick to judge with very little facts something I've said about my life that they have no knowledge of why I would say that but assume it's wrong.  An example of this is my niece asking me questions she probably should have asked her mother.  I answered them because if you knew her mother you'd know the mother ship needs to beam her back up and the prospect of the information she would have given the poor child is scary at best.  The person I was on a date with though told me it wasn't my place.  No knowledge of the history or abuse or what type of person she is.  Judged, found guilty and put in a category.  I am sort of getting used to that though.  I also was told by that same person that they liked me, but I'm just a little heavier than they would like to date and that although they know I am losing weight and I will they don't want to wait the 18 months for me to get into the shape they would like me at.  I like him, but he needs to grow up and face some facts.  I want a person who will be with me through it all.  We are not promised to be what we are at the time we meet someone all our lives.  We could get sick or be in a disfiguring car accident.  I want someone who loves me.  It's OK to have looks but I know that it's more important to find someone who will be there for you.  Work with you on it.  I would have loved if he'd have started working with me on me and yes he told me multiple times how beautiful I was but I still wasn't good enough for him in his eyes which told me he wasn't right for me.  Good guy, love spending time with him, but I want a man that is there for better or worse.  Is that impossible to find?  I really don't think it is.   I do know I want what I want and until I find it I will keep looking.  If I never find it I'm happy with me.   Another issue with dating is guys wanting to know about my financial stability.  Now when I was younger I sort of got this, but now I'm 48.  my debts or lack there of are not going to be my partners issues.  Whatever we come into with will be our own.  If we choose to share it we do if not I've been paying my own way for thirty years now.  I'm not looking for a man to financially take care of me.  I want a partner in everything that we can do together that involves our time and love.  So today's fast paced dating world which has rules and goes 85 miles per hour will have to back up and understand I'm still stuck at 35 mpg and some pretty old fashioned ideas.  I want to cook for my man.  I want to clean house and go shopping for him.  I want to spend time at the movies with him and go for walks in the park or a local game.  I want him to want to make sure my car is in good shape, my shoulders are rubbed and an arm is there to go around me when I need it.  I don't think I'm asking for that much but then again like I said I really don't think I fit in. Maybe Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars but I'm beginning to think my home planet is Pluto.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I'm Not Broken

I may get sad and cry sometimes
Memories of what could have been
Thoughts of you still cross my mind
Sure I miss you now and then

I walk this road alone it seems
No two roads diverged for me
It’s true that I’ve been broken
But I’m not broke, my soul is free

Troubled times come for everyone
They make us stronger in the end
So my journey is not over
I’m not broke, I’m on the mend

I might have cried to think of you
But that was oh so long ago
Now I simply sip my tea
After all I’m the one who let you go

Troubled times come for everyone
They make us stronger in the end
So my journey is not over
I will not break, I’ve learned to bend

Life is a struggle and a blessing
Free will my curse and my gift
So I will always thank my Father
Say a prayer of thanks, my life to live

Troubled times come for everyone
They make us wise and make us strong
So if you’re thinking that you broke me
Let me tell you, you are wrong

So if you think that you broke me

I’m not broken, I’m simply free

Sheila Short (2015)

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Oppression Be Damned… And Those Who Would Can Bite Me….

OK, so with every year that goes by I learn more and more about myself. I suppose if I didn’t I would be dead. I’m beginning to think that Maxine from the cartoon Crabby Roads and I are living the same life at times. I’ve always tried to be a giving girlfriend or partner or heck even friend but I’m finding the old saying love yourself first to be quiet true. I refuse to be depressed and down over stupid shit and other people’s Idiotic opinions anymore. Today I was sitting at my desk getting kind of down because I’m thinking I’m 48 and I spend a majority of my time alone. Of course spending time alone isn’t all bad. I rarely find I argue with myself. I never forget to throw out the empty milk carton, there is always toilet paper on the roll and I know exactly how to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube. Sitting there I thought to hell with people who want me to be someone else to be in their life. So I grabbed my little MP3 Player, popped in the earbuds and did a thirty minute Jam session walking lunch break. It was awesome. As I walked I thought and for the first time ever when I’ve been in this mood not one damn tear dropped from my eyes, instead, just like that little warm tingle in the Grinch’s heart, I got pissed off that someone would tell me I need to do anything to be in their life. If you don’t like me the way I am shove off. I’ve figured out finally that I’ve allowed people to oppress me within my lifetime. First I did it growing up with my dad. I love my dad and he’s a good man, but I don’t feel anything I’ve ever done has ever been good enough for him. I’ve always felt like the failure he raised rather than the person I am. I am far from a failure. Then I let the men I dated oppress me by giving in to whatever they wanted to do, where they wanted to eat, their time schedules, you name it I was there. I thought that was how it had to be. Then a man in 93 oppressed me into fear for many years. Not going to go into that one. Work, religion, family obligation, you name it I was being held back by my idea of what it should be. I believe everyone does this to some extent and I suppose they live through it but I’m 48 and I’m done saying when is it going to be my turn. I don’t come when anyone snaps their fingers or whistles anymore. I will still love, still be me, still help out… There was no invasion of the body snatchers here I’m just saying I’m not going to cow-tail to anyone to make them happy. It’s not my job to make them happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Am I the only one feeling this way? So Oppression be damned because I’m not your beeeaaach anymore.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Flags of Color and Change...

I've been trying my best to stay out of the confederate flag controversy and the "gay" marriage controversy that has been living on the Internet and breeding quickly.  This being said people keep asking me my input.  First and foremost I don't think anyone regardless of who you are has a right to chime in to these subject matters without researching the facts and knowing what they are talking about rather than assuming.   So here we go.  If you look into how different races and people see the confederate flag you will see that most people of color see it as a sign of hate and disrespect.  They see it as a cry for segregation and slavery.  Do they have a right to feel this way?  In some ways yes they do. 

 William Porcher Miles of South Carolina - first confederate flag, was a racist flag in that it had all white on the main portion of the flag to signify white superiority. 
 Second flag of the Confederate States of America

The flag for the confederacy committee’s first chair or president was William Porcher Miles and he created and commissioned the flag as seen above.  As you can see he was from South Carolina so now I understand why South Carolina may have had a confederate flag in a government office.  This flag as above though was not completely as we know it now.  William Miles felt that the white race was superior and the white portion of the flag was in his eyes a no “Stain” commemorative.  In this he did mean that he felt those of color were beneath him.  He as many people in the south at that time felt that segregation was needed and called for.  A lot of southern parties did NOT feel this way though and the flag was not rolled out in a racist forum but rather the no “Stain” was said to mean no blood shed of confederate soldiers on the battle field.  In William Miles eyes his flag to my understanding was no different to him than Hitler’s Swastika was to him.  Therefore If I were of color I would probably have problems with this flag.  The flag that is often flown in the south though is just the upper left hand corner of this flag and was most used on the battle field for the purpose of distinguishing which side of the war you were on.  The war was partly about slavery but it was also to determine the survival of the Union or the independence for the Confederacy.  It was about the industrial evolution as well.  The side that won would control the production of rail roads and weaponry among other items.  So once again we could say that money was the root of all evil.  The confederate flag does not mean racists ideology to a majority of southern people today though.  Rather it is a pride symbol for their heritage.  One must consider that their relatives in days gone by suffered and are long gone.  Some died for that flag on the battle field.  Some understood its significance and some didn’t.  They in this fashion would be within their right to feel bruised if one asked them to remove it or not sell it. Not everyone who displays a confederate flag is racist.  They may just be good old southern folks.  So my summation on this is simple.  We need to learn from the past.  We need to remember the past but we desperately need to stop living in the past.  None of us living today are old enough to have been around during the days of slavery and political struggles for emancipation.  As long as we hold hate in our hearts we will not grow or prosper.  I believe that nothing should be flown in a government facility that is not to do with THAT facility.  In Indiana the government buildings should not display anything that is not our nation’s flag, our state flag or military flags.  They should not have other countries flags; they should not have any form of religious items regardless of what they are except for use in court.  If a person is of Christian faith I still say have them place their hand on the bible.  If they are of some other faith have them vow on what is holy to them.  I am not for total removal.  I just don’t feel it should be displayed.
There are lots of symbols that have been used incorrectly.  The cross has been used for more wrong than most symbols.  The American flag probably doesn’t hold much for the American Indiana.  I have Indiana blood and I am religious so no matter either their wrongs I want both these symbols for what they mean to me in my life.
“Gay” Marriage.  I only put things in parenthesis when they hold no bearing on the subject at hand.  Marriage is marriage.  I do not feel our government should hold any sanctions on it or the church in any form or fashion.  There are churches that will do same sex marriages and there are some that will not.  The government should not sanction that in any way.  As for breaks you get for being married I don’t believe in those either.  We should all be taxed the same.  There should not be any benefit given to a married person that is not extended to a single person.  If two people are living together they should be able to have conjoined insurance as long as they can prove they reside together as significant partners.  As for the rest, well you have a living will to say if you want to live or die if incapacitated why not have a death will that says who has say, oh wait you’ve always been able to do that.. Power of attorney and what not.  Why not sign a prenuptial agreement for everything.  There is no reason a woman should get everything with kids just because the guy said I do.  Or even the other way around or even same sex.  I say what you have going into the marriage is yours, what you make and get while in the marriage is divided two ways.  If you have kids take the cost associated with raising them figure out income and divide the cost between parents no matter which they reside with.  They didn’t ask to be born.  The children should not be used by a parent as a pawn for more money.  Here is an idea get to know your partner before you commit.  If they aren’t a good partner they probably won’t be a good parent. If you want the court to sanction your union regardless of same or opposite it is a civil union.  Oh and ladies marriages were originally ordained because you were considered property that is why someone had to give you away.  You were not expected to live a long life so it said until death do we part so that the man in the eyes of the church was free to get another wife when you died.  I believe we have made civil unions and the dissolving of civil union’s way too easy in this country.  It’s a Multi-billion dollar industry.  Again it’s about the almighty dollar.   I personally feel you should have to fill out a civil union certificate one year before it will actually be usable.  I feel that you should have to get to know each other in that year and if at the end of a year you still want the civil union then you would be allowed to marry or join together.  Do you realize how many people would probably change their mind? 
No matter which side of the coin you’re on though you have a right to your own personal feelings and your opinions.  I love my friends.  I don’t think to myself which one is black, which one is Hispanic or which is Jewish, Buddhist, Catholic, Indian, Gay, Straight transsexual or anything else.  I love them all.  I just think there’s my friend Bob or there is the group of people I love.  I don’t agree with all of them on everything but that is the beauty of life.  I don’t have to. I also hope no one will hold any ill will because I have my own opinions here.  As for being cast aside for who you are.  Trying being an over weight white woman in America.  With all the beauty magazines swearing you have to be a size 2, oh wait maybe a size 2 is fat.  I understand the frustration and yes I agree any progress is a call for celebration and any loss is a time for mourning.  So if you ask which side I'm on, it's on the side of Love and moving forward and working towards that dream that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr had.  To have acceptance it must be on all levels a level playing field but it must also have all parties have open minds and a desire to move forward as well. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday Reflections....

I use to think as we got older things would just come to us naturally.  That understanding of the world would be laid at my feet somehow.  As I get older though I find I understand less not more.  I am not gay so I can't say I understand how those folks are feeling so I try to limit my commentary to the situations at hand.  I really don't understand why someone wants to be classified by their sexual preferences though.  I don't look at someone and say they are gay or straight.  I look at them and say they are human. They are one of God's children.  Now there are some I look at as evil, twisted and benevolent, but it has nothing to do with their skin color or their religion or their sexual preference.  It is solely based on my perception of their actions.  I also have friends I love dearly who say things about christian s and the religious beliefs and it insults and hurts me badly but I put it aside because I know they are using generalizations of a few and would never intentionally set out to hurt me.  I do consider myself of christian faith.  I do not profess to be saved but I feel like I'm a lot closer than some of the people I've heard profess it for themselves.  My grandfather was a baptist minister and died when I was very young.  From what I've heard he would never profess himself as knowing he was saved but believing beyond a shadow of a doubt.  One may ask what is the difference but then I say if you have to ask you wouldn't understand if I explained it.  He also, although he may not agree with their choices, would never treat anyone as anything less than a child of God.  As of late I have been trying to reconnect with my inner spirit and release some of my inner demons.  I have been reacquainting myself with my family and with my own values.  I pray nightly for strength and to not hold hate or anger in my heart.  My ex sister-in-law is a troubled soul. One I hope, but fear is lost beyond help.  She messed up her life.  She can't possibly be happy with the way she's living and the things she's done.  She lies like it's the water of life and she'd die without it.  She worships the almighty dollar.  As we know one can't have two masters so if she worships money she has no ground to kneel and worship God.  She uses her children and makes sure their little lives are constantly in turmoil.  She's up to her old tricks as we speak and wants to regain custody of the son she so eagerly accused of so many wrong doings and cast aside.  She tosses out threats and hands out definitions of things she doesn't even understand.  She's using a new person in her life who will someday regret ever meeting her.  I love her but I don't like or respect her anymore.  I would give everything I own for my niece and nephew.  I would lay down my life for them.  I hope they know that.  I also hope they realize that their dad loves them and puts them first.  The courts so far have believed the rhetoric she's tossed but every dog has it's day.  Karma is real and time will have it's say.  No one in my family needs to life a hand.  God sees how we treat little children and he's told us all that there are none greater than the little children.  To hurt them is to hurt him.  This morning I find I just want to vent and if you want to listen that is great.  If you don't I understand.  My ex-sister-in-law claims I am harassing her  because I sent her one email saying I love her and I don't wish to be in the middle but she needs to stop or I will be.  That isn't harassment but is simply a plea for her to come to her senses and stop hurting her children and using them.  I should know by now though that is a train that left the station never to return.  So many lies, so little time in her world.  To live like that to me would be worthless.  So the world never finds peace because of the likes of those who would be selfish.  For those that feel troubled today I ask the Lord to bring you peace.  Know that there is at least one out here that believes in you and your right to live in peace.  One who won't judge you but will wish you the best life you can have.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Another Day, Another Surgery...

I have to tell you I am really getting tired of surgeries, but I understand that the good Lord above has his reasons for everything we go through whether we realize it or not.  It's taken me a few days to get used to this voice recognition software and it's not perfect so I have to do some one handed corrections but it is what it is and they say slow and steady wins the race.  I had surgery on my left hand on Tuesday, February 17, 2015 at Fort Wayne Orthopedics surgery clinic on West Jefferson Boulevard in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  I can now completely understand the term "Drive Thru Surgery".  I got to the clinic at 750am.  I wasn't taken back to prepare for surgery until 8:30.  Everyone in there seemed really nice and the nurses listened to me.  I mean I told them right up front no IV in the back of my hand so she never tried.  I was given warm blankets and made comfortable as I answered the same questions over and over that it seems to me I've answered twelve thousand times.  I had told both the doctor and the nurses at the hospital that I knew my body and that I wanted Vicodin to take home because it works for me.  I told them I would freak out if I woke up in surgery.  The anesthesiologist   told me that he understood and had no problem with that but that it would all be up to Dr. C.   Out of courtesy for the doctor I will not put his name in here past the Dr. C.  Dr. C came by to check on me a after 9:45 and marked my hand for surgery.  He seemed very caring as he tucked me and told me we needed to keep me warm and that he'd see me in surgery.  Now for a little back story on this, it had been like pulling teeth to get much out of the doctor in the first place.  He had sent his nurse practitioner  in to see me when I did my follow up after surgery.  She barely said two words to me walked out and in came a nurse to schedule me for surgery.  I took a step back and started asking the nurse questions.  She didn't have answers and went to get the nurse practitioner who also didn't have answers so they went and got Dr. C who I was supposed to be seeing in the first place.  I asked him a bunch of questions and my understanding when I left was that we were going to remove the cyst, fix the carpel tunnel and nerve and release the trigger thumb.  I would be off two to three weeks and that was that.  They actually wanted to set me up for same week two days later for surgery, but I had to get things ready and give work a little notice so I went for the next week.  So back to the surgery.  I was wheeled into the surgery room at 10:45am.  I remember them washing my arm and not being able to feel it.  It felt in my mind that it was laying on my stomach but I was watching them wash it so I knew it could be.  I saw the doctor walk in and then there was nothing until I woke up at 11:10am in surgery.  I was disoriented and I noticed the clock and then I noticed the blue curtain out to my left.  I was so very cold and I started moving my feet trying to adjust myself on the bed.  The doctor who had put me to sleep stood there to my right and kept asking me what was wrong.  I told him I was cold and freaking a little bit.  He told me to lie still and that they were almost done.  I remember them removing the curtain and putting this heavy object in a sling and placing it across my chest.  It was my arm, but it felt so heavy almost sand bag like.  They wheeled me out of the OR and to a room with lounge chairs.  A nurse helped me off the gurney and into a chair and put a blanket over my lap and raised my legs.  She asked me if I would like something to drink and proceeded to get me a diet coke.   She came back with a basket of snacks.  I took a pack of Lorna Dunes and she opened them for me.  According to the clock on the wall it was 11:25.  My dad walked in a couple of minutes later and the nurse told him to pull the car around.  By 11:40 I was in the car and on my way home.  The nurse said they had seventeen surgeries scheduled for last Tuesday.  So in and out quickly.  When I got home I opened the pain meds and the doctor had not listened to me, which didn't surprise e considering he hadn't listed to me from day one.  I had Tylenol Codeine 3's.  I had never had them so I thought why not I will give them a chance.  Well they barely touched the pain and I barely slept so I called and they wouldn't prescribe me anything else unless I went in to see them, which to me was OK since I had these blisters that had come on the three fingers on my left hand.  They hurt like burns.  It did aggravate that the doctor didn't trust me but I figure someone had burned him.  I went in to see him the next day and he acted like he had never seen blisters like the ones on my hand.  I couldn't believe that but I went along with him.  I knew he was lying to me.  That isn't something you really want a doctor to do now is it.  I mean from my research and asking three different nurses I know I found out that these blisters are common in orthopedic surgery.  Dr. C told me I was probably allergic to the dye.  Hello you used that on all of my arm and only on my fingers?  I knew that was a crock.  So he called over a lower dose Vicodin than I asked for a 325 mg  and I'm used to 500.  I told him I only really wanted them to sleep.  Again big sigh... so I took two at night before bedtime and one once when my hand really hurt.  I didn't take any yesterday and I still have lots.  I am not a junkie.  I just wanted a doctor to treat me the way I should have been treated.  The hand looks good and it looks like he did a good job with the exception of the blisters which probably came from tape or from circulation loss and swelling.  I'm just not sure what to think of this guy.  I think he's a good guy but I hate doctors who don't listen to their patients.  Yes there are crooks and cheats out there but to just assume that I am one?  I would probably never use him again for that reason alone.  I trust my doctors and I want my doctors to trust me and when I go see them I respect their titles and the hard work it took to get there but they work for me when I go seem them and I think I deserve some respect from that angle myself.  Anyway here's hoping there are no more surgeries in my near future.   

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Empowering My Inner Soul!

Believe and it shall be… whether you believe this or not there is great truth in this.  One cannot fix one’s issues and problems in their life until they first step up and believe they can change and acknowledge that they alone can do that for themselves.   No one or anything has power or control over your life unless you allow it.  This is something I had long forgotten and had to search deep inside to remember and pull to the surface. I’ve found I have always been good at giving advice and listening and helping others but I had forgotten how to help myself.  I had forgotten how to follow my own path and live my own life.  I am now and I’m getting happier each day with that decision. It’s a very long road to fixing a life of service to become a life of living.  So old man winter has found us.  It affords us a lot of days inside where we can sit and muddle and wish for the sunshine and outdoor play or where we can make plans and prepare for an adventure that is yet to come.  The choice is ours?  Which should we choose to follow?  Two roads diverged…   Don’t they always.  Life is so full of choices and possibilities. I think our society has forgotten that.  We’ve grown soft.  We allow the government to just aimlessly dictate what will happen now and in our futures.  I thought we were a democracy; however, what I see as of late is a dictatorship.  Worry not for what you have no power to change is a wonderful saying, good thing our forefathers didn’t listen to that though.  We all have the power to change; most of us just don’t believe that anymore, have lost our hope or our way or are too scared or selfish to try.  One voice is usually what makes the change.  One person stands and yells from the tree tops or the mountains for all to hear and most often they do listen. It’s easier for most to just sit back and do nothing.  You can write your congressmen, and all the other politicians.  You can write your media.  You can talk with your friends and your neighbors.  You can be a light.  Everyone can sit back and say I’m just one person so what can I do.  So many people who changed the world were just one person.  Believe in yourself.  Believe and it shall be.  Life your life so that your head is held high, not hung low in sorrow and same. After all Martin Luther King was not the only one that had a dream.  I am empowering my inner soul this year.  That is my goal for me.  I don’t do resolutions for the New Year.  I find they only set one up for failure.  Instead I try to set myself a goal to aim for.  I make it something I know I can do and I believe in it.  This is how I will empower me.  This is how I will begin the second half of my life.  The sun is out today.  Spring will soon be here with fresh beginnings for everyone.  New life, new love, and new hope will flower and bring us another summer of possibilities.  Here’s to 2015!  I hope it’s a blessed and happy year for all.