Why I'm here....

Since I've always been quick with an opinion an old friend once lost and again found suggested that perhaps I should share with more people my commentary. Never being one to pass on a challenge I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Friday, April 7, 2017

John Edwards - Psychic medium



A friend of mine & I went to see John Edwards performance at the Grand Wayne Center in Fort Wayne Indiana this past Wednesday night.  The venue was smaller than I had expected it to be.  I have long been a fan of John's for his ability to help bring comfort to so many through his writings.  I have every book he's written and I love them all.  They are an inspiration so if you've not read them I would highly suggest that you do.  This being said I am a skeptic to a large degree on what he is or is not doing when he's giving a reading.  I watched carefully for ques from the people he was reading and listened closely to every word he said.  He seemed confident in his choices of telling people things about their family; however, it almost seemed like fishing too.  I guess I also have a hard time because I have had so many things happen to me in my own life that I should automatically believe.  I mean I've passed messages on to friends and family from the other side to help them.  I've known things way ahead of schedule I should not know.  I've seen things I can't  explain.  Here's the thing though I'm not sure if what I've seen, heard and felt is a person communicating from the other side or an angel conveying the message from above to help the soul here that needs the message.  These things also don't happen to me on a command basis.  I can't just say OK I'm open so lets start talking to people.  Then there are night visits.  I've had many visits as John described them in my dreams.  They are so vivid that when you wake up you're lost as to where you are.  Are these actually the spirits of loved ones passed or are they again angles helping us with a need to see loved ones and be comforted.  Then there is a scarier option that the things that go bump in the night are demons and that they are here to seem as if they are giving comfort only to lead us away from the Father.  Now I loved that John Acknowledged God in his reading he did.  Although he says he's not a fan of organized religion he is a believer.  That is of comfort as well.  Most of the questions and "hits" he had with the audience I could have had a hit on as well, as in I could have answered yes to the questions he asked; however, I think I would have to believe, or I feel that I have had a larger number of deaths in my life than most people.  I've known people who were murdered, committed suicide, died in car accidents, lost to a fire, one lost to the waters... so you see I could probably hit on about anything he could come up with so again it makes me a harder target.  Why has death been so prominent in my life.  If I could have asked one question of John that probably would have been the one for me.  Now on the day that I went to see John's performance I was getting ready to drive at 12:18 pm when something told me to note the time.  It also went on to tell me to ask John when the last time he enjoyed a reading and did it for no cost.  No cost in money, no cost to his soul.  I wasn't sure what to think of this but I could not get it off my mind all day.  I sure as hell wasn't about to raise my hand and ask that question of John in front of everyone and I live on a check by check basis so the general admission was really more than I should of spent to go see him I didn't spend the extra to go spend one on one time with him although I would love to have. A friend of mine was there though and I told her to tell John that 12:18 is supposed to mean something to him.  I'm not sure what and I don't know why.  I felt better even though I don't know if she conveyed it or not.   That same friend was with her mom and they told me how the mother had asked for two signs for the night.  One was for a feather.  Now they told as how a small feather had fallen from the ceiling in there right before we came in and landed a little ways from them.  Where would a feather come from in the Grand Wayne Center exhibit hall?  I do have prophetic dreams.  I've had them all my life.  I do believe I've walked and talked with Jesus in a dream and I do believe I've been shown the end of days.  So maybe it's harder for me to believe?  I know I believe in the writings of the King James Bible.   I know it warns of false prophets, so I am skeptical more often than not.  I also do not begrudge the man making a living using his craft; however, I believe once he has made enough to sustain him and his family if he really has a gift he would do a lot more charity readings or use his gift for good.  I would also ask him why he doesn't help with crimes.  I can't live his life for him.  I can't know his crosses that he bears so I will not judge, but I do have a curiosity about it.  My general thoughts on Wednesday though are that I don't know that I saw anything that would lead me to believe in what he's doing or not.  I know if he's true or not that if he gives a little bit of peace to a grieving soul that this is all good with me. So do you believe?

Saturday, February 11, 2017

A Letter to Me @ 16 - Letter 1




Life is to each of us exactly how we choose to live it.  Operative word here would be LIVE.  Most people never actually live life, they merely sit looking in the window as if Window Shopping. Be sure you're not one of them.





Dear Sheila:
      Until now your life has been pretty sheltered.  This year will challenge you more than you could possibly ever imagine.  Life and the way you view it is about to change.  

      Every year as a child you looked forward to summer breaks from school.  This year you chose to work at the Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo.  This is your first real look at the outside world.  While working there you will meet a large variety of people from all back grounds.  You will be subjected to the first person to really show you hate and disdain.  She’s just jealous of your youth.  You can’t see that now, but looking back some day you’ll realize it was pity you should have had for her and prayers she could have used. You’ll meet a guy who will show you that people will stand up for you against all other odds.  He is a friend you still think and wonder about from time to time.  You really didn’t appreciate him the way you should have then.  Death will play a big part in the year ahead.  You’ve been sheltered from that too.  Your parents loved you and didn’t want you to know about all the ugly and painful things in the world.  Perhaps they should have let you fall a little more often.   The first death will be someone you had a major crush on in high school.  He was in your brother’s class and graduated that summer.  He was popular and a straight A student.  Strange he probably never knew you thought he was perfect at the time.  You will take a break at work one day and read the paper.  You’ve always had a morbid infatuation with the obituaries so you will be leafing through and find his obituary there.  Not only that but as you leaf through the rest of the paper you will find an article about how he hung himself and took his own life in a hotel room in Florida.  You will feel crushed and full of confusing emotions.  The article covers the hardships of popular students going out into the real world.  By summers end you’ll understand as you see more of what people are like.  You’re not really a kid anymore.  The way people treat you as an adult is completely different.  It’s not the individual items I want you to take from this, but the reality that life changes daily and the innocence of childhood is something to hold onto as long as you can.  I also want you to understand more of how to look through other people’s eyes.  We are all human with our own pains and sorrows.   Often people hurt us without even knowing they are.  Humans get caught up in their own emotions and sometimes that blinds them to the effect what they are doing has on other people.  By the end of the year you will have lost your grandmother.  Again your emotions will be full of confusion and pain.  Things we believe in youth show not to be reality as we get older.  She won’t be there for your graduation.  She won’t be there to see you get married or to hold your first child.  These are all emotions that swell up in you.  You also for the first time will understand that your parents will not always be here as you watch your father cry for the first time openly in front of you at the loss of his mother.  He’s human.  Not a concept many children really understand.  For the first time your dad is human in your eyes.  You should have opened up to someone during this time to let them know the emotions you really were having, but you didn’t.  You held them inside and tried to be strong.  Strength is what you’ve grown up believing is what you need most.  Let me correct that for you.  Showing emotions and being honest and outspoken with those around you regarding your real feelings is not weak.  It’s stronger than silence ever will be.  Yet that year you did nothing.  You told people you were fine.  You sat at a funeral that tore you apart and pretended your world wasn’t crashing down around you.  Let me warn you… Feelings like that being bundled inside build anger and frustrations that can lead you down a path you can’t easily get off of. 

      So what I would hope you would take from this with you is that you need to be a kid while you can.  Youth is fleeting.  I know that is cliche but in this case as it would be true.  Always do things that you will be proud of as you get older.   Hold strong in your convictions and open up about how you are feeling with those you love.  Be understanding of other people.  Give them second chances and even more than that.  Yet know when to walk away from them and be okay in the knowledge that you had done all you could.  Tell people what you want them to know now.  Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and death comes from everyone.  Understand that death should be embraced but not striven for or feared.  Don't worry about the little things...  I will be here with you for the duration, as my journey has only begun.
 

Monday, November 14, 2016

Reflection

There are mild stones and turning points all throughout our lives.  Life seems to move so quickly that if we are not careful we will not see the curve or bend in the path we are traveling.  Looking back on my own life it amazes me at how much things in my life have changed.  It puzzles me at times as to how and when things that mattered to me so much changed.  I suppose it changed for me the most almost a year ago.  I decided to turn my life back over to God.  No, I am not saying I am saved.  God and I are working on it though.  I’ve known a peace that is hard to describe.  When I start worrying over things and yes I do at times, I pray to the Father to help me and I tell him I command my life into your hands, your will be done.  So with this election as with anything else as of late I prayed.  My inner soul was lost and torn between issues and friends and family.  Never have I known an election that has torn so many in so many directions.  As with everything though the path is only clear if you allow yourself to see it with unencumbered eyes.  For me the choice was not an easy one, but in the end I had to go with where I felt the Lord would want me to go.  No, I’m not saying God cares about politics, but in the end I could not stand for someone who so openly dis-regarded the life of an innocent baby.  Funny thing is I wanted her in office when Barrack Obama was running.  I voted for him.  Both times.  Not because I thought he was all that awesome but because I couldn’t see voting in the other contender.   All in all I do not think he’s been a very good president.  He’s not been the worst ever as some would say but he’s definitely done things I do not agree with or like.  Comes down to it though I do believe he’s a good man and that although I may not agree with him he’s more than likely being led by his own inner voices to do what he feels is right.  Why do we as a people want to say otherwise?  All comments on this should be in boxed to me.  Please do not post comments on my Facebook under this as they will be deleted.  I do not want a war on Facebook.  I do not want friend against friend or bother against sister or anything else.  We should be able to disagree without having confrontation.  There are no winners when people protest with hate and violence.  Yes protest if you wish peacefully.  This is not the way it will be though.  In the end brother will be against brother and father against son.  So it is written.  I find no desire to argue or be angry with anyone.  Everyone has their right to think and believe the way they feel.   Hopefully our new president elect Donald Trump will do great things for us, but if he doesn’t he doesn’t.  Our country needs solidarity.  Our country needs to stop being a whining nation of people who want our government to take care of them.  We need to stand tall and proud.  I love our country, but I love God more.  What he has set forth no one will set aside.  I love my family and I love all my friends.  I trust that time will heal those wounded by the election.  I trust that God will see us through if we put our faith in him.  Time is fleeting.  This day will soon be long behind us.   There are so many other things yet to come.  So many corners we need to watch for as we travel on life’s journey.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

The Blessings we Forget to Count




Every day on this earth is a blessing.  I know so many people who do nothing but mope and complain about their lives.  They have no one to love.  They haven’t gotten enough money or enough time to do this or that.  It’s so easy to complain.  I’ve been a complainer myself on many occasions but through it all I tried to look at the blessings of every day.  I get up out of bed.  I have another opportunity to make my life what I want.  Each new morning is a new beginning to the story of my life.  I can choose to wallow in it or I can dust myself off and make the best of it.  I’m many things but someone who falls and never gets up is not one of them.  I have seen a counselor for many years now.  She helps me talk through my problems.  She gives me someone to complain to that helps me bring forth my true emotions.  It’s funny that I think I now help her too.  I look forward to my and her talks and I think she enjoys them as well.  She’s someone I would never have met if I had not gotten the cancer I had and been down and out about a big hurdle in my life.   Life is funny that way.  I know it’s easy to dwell on the regrets we have in life.  Let’s face it if you’re over 12 you have regrets about things you’ve said or done.  If you say you don’t I’ll call you a liar right to your face!  I’ve done things to people I would never even consider asking them to forgive although many years past and I’m not the same person.  I’ve had things done to me that I will willingly forgive, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I have come to understand that people generally do not set out to hurt someone else.  They often do it without thought.  I wish I had come to this understanding much earlier in life.  It would have made it so much easier.  Now I take a moment and step back and try to see what that person might have been thinking or seeing when they did what they did.  I had a talk with a family member I had not seen in a long time this past weekend.  He was so angry at an ex in-law that I found it odd.  I could understand his anger.  He felt betrayed and hurt and let down.  She was not at fault all by herself though I found myself pointing out and although he may find her evil I would merely say misguided and hurt herself.  She was not easily accepted into the family and was kind of boasted as a less than welcomed member for the longest time.  Stories were told that hurt her.  I’ve heard both sides and both sides are wrong and right in so many ways.  The thing is it’s the past.  We can’t go back and re-write it.  Either way I understood the pain he had gone through so many years ago.  Life did not deal him a kindly hand.  God did grant him a family of his own though and a woman to put up with all that he could dish out.  God did guide him to seek the truth and walk in the light.  I believe an olive branch would be better to his serving than a baseball bat at this point.  I love both the people I’m talking about more than life. I love all my family.  I used to harbor anger.  I found it will just eat you up and keep you from thinking of what you should be.  I find anger of little use.  Instead of building the anger I try to resolve the pain.  What was done all those years ago can’t be undone.  What happened in a marriage that he and I were not in neither of us will ever truly know and holding ill will when both those parties have moved on is senseless at best.   Again I love my family.  I have not always been the favored niece or welcomed family member by some but I have loved them all the same and always will.  Each day is a new beginning and you choose whether to late hate eat your heart and time away or weather to turn forgiveness and put your troubles in God’s hands.  I know people right now with bigger problems than an old grudge of perceived wrongs.  I have a friend whose fighting breast cancer, one who’s wishing his wife would come back to him from Coma, one who has a cancer on his aorta and has to go to Mayo to get it looked at.  I have a friend whose skin is becoming his enemy as he’s been put in the hospital time and again and a friend who worries as his daughter fights cancer.  There is a family I know that morns the loss of their son this coming weekend and so many others I could go on and on.  Is a squabble that is Thirty years old really worth that time or effort?  Life is so short.  I have my own worries.  My finances need help.  My weight needs to go down.  My house needs cleaned up and organized.  My mother and father and getting older and I may lose them in the near future.  I don’t dwell on that though.  I choose to live in the way things are today.  Not the past and not the future. Be thankful for every moment you have with anyone in your life.  All time is a gift and very precious.   All my aunts and uncles future, present and past were a gift for whatever good they brought into my life.  Be thankful for your life.  It was a gift you should cherish.  Forget old grudges and enjoy the time you have.  It will not be that long until time has come and gone and those things you thought were important will no longer matter.  Be thankful for your blessings.  Know that if you are in my life you are loved.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A World Gone Mad: Hey There's An Elephant in My Tree



Our country has grown soft.  Yes that will make some of you angry but it is what it is.  We used to say “Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Now we say “Your words they hurt, my sensibilities you offended, off with your head, political correctness to the end.”  Today’s world is a world of “ME”.  Everything has to be about that person and what they want and how to get it free or with the least bit of effort.  What happened to taking pride in your work?  What happened to being proud to sweat for a dollar?  What happened to wanting to be able to show what you have because you earned it?  Our children don’t want to play outside or use their own imagination anymore.  They want to play video games and are afraid of the heat.  Riding bikes and playing cops and robbers is long gone and are left as ghosts of memories in my mind.  Water fights and playing t-ball were many an hour regardless of the temperature outside.  Our parents had to make us come inside.  Being inside was a punishment.  Today’s parents give their children everything they want.  No chores necessary.  Just lay in your room not getting exercise and learn to let a machine think for you.  Where are we headed to with this way of thinking?  One day who’s going to do the work?  Do you know how hard it is to hire a kid to mow lawns or shovel snow or wash a car these days?  I do know some kids that still will.  There are a few parents that get it.  Life and living is not done on a computer or in a game.  That isn’t living.  I understand wanting to treat everyone good.  You know we had the golden rule in school too.  Treat others as you’d want them to treat you.  We were not babied though.  We were taught that life is tough and that never is life going to be easy but you would make it.  We were prepared for what was to come.  If someone teased us our parents told us that no it wasn’t right but that we had to pick ourselves up and go on.  We knew that we would not get everything we wanted.  We knew what it was like to be proud of that first house we painted or that first car we bought.  When someone offended us we simply knew that either they were daft, or they just believed and saw things differently.  Did we get mad and angry, why yes sometimes we did.  Did we ask the government to make a new rule and stop someone?  No we didn’t.  When did we decide as a nation that it’s better to offend Christians and our forefathers and everything this nation was built on to be politically correct?  I believe firmly in a live and let live society.  I believe every man and women’s journey is between them and their maker and I have no right to judge them in this life.  I believe its ok for someone to believe differently than me about politics and religion. I don’t believe that if I express my opinion that I should be crucified for it?  Didn’t they do that in the stone ages?  I mean what happened to freedom of speech?  Hell what happened to freedom period?  Don’t get me wrong… I am still proud as hell to be an American.  I am glad I grew up when I did and that my parents instilled right and wrong and honesty in me.  I’m glad I am not someone who wants everything for free and that I take pride in doing what I need to do to make my life better.  I’m glad I’m a person that doesn’t take offenses to heart.  Yes I get offended every day of life.  People say things or do things that upset me to some degree, but over the years of living I have learned to step back and try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes.  More often than not people do not mean to offend, but rather just choose unwisely what they say.  They don’t think about it.  If you ask me there are way too many people out there blaming everyone and anyone for their life being the way it is. If you don’t like your life fix it.  There is no shame in asking for help when you need it but don’t play the poor me card.  I have always hated the poor me card.  No one’s life has been perfect.  There is always a sadder story just around the corner.  So you had a bad mother, or a bad childhood or you have been sickly all your life.  We could all get up every day and find something negative to think about.  The way to live is to get up every day and think about what you have to be grateful for.   What can you find in your life that is good?  If you can’t find anything then talk to friends.  Hell for that matter get out and make friends.  Your life is up to you. Sure you may not have a mansion but you don’t necessarily need one.  Some of the loneliest people I’ve ever met had money to burn.   Stop belly aching about what the boy down the street did with the girl next door.  Stop worrying about who thinks you’re fat or who cares you’re gay or who doesn’t like you for that matter.  Those people are not worth the time you are taking to think about them.  Embrace those that support you and lift you up.  Embrace the thought that I’m here and I’m going to live while I am.  Every day is a new day in this world gone mad.  Fall down today, pick yourself up tomorrow and move on.  You control your destiny and what will be left behind to be said of you, no one else. 

Monday, July 18, 2016

Fragile Life Only Good if Lived

 As my parents get older and more fragile I see the life they've lived over and over in my mind.  I believe they've had a good life and a happy one.  It's hard to think of a day when they will not be here to share in my joys and in my sorrows.  It's an awful feeling to know that all you can do is watch and do nothing to really make life better for them sometimes.  Mom has Parkinson which in it's own is a terrible disease that has left her unable to do many things she used to love to do such as garden and cook.  Dad has had to admit more here lately that he's no longer able to do what he once can and recently was in the hospital on a stay over night for the first time ever in his life.  That is saying a lot for someone who is seventy-six years old.  He's been lucky most of his life to have had the good Lord bless him with health.   It was scary that morning he woke me up to take him to the hospital.  He's not the kind of man who wants to even go to the doctor no matter what, let alone the hospital, so it scared me.  It took me back in my mind to a few years ago when he had melanoma and I was so afraid we would lose him then.  I know that day will come though I do dread it so.  I've had cousins who have lost their mates.  My cousin Bonnie lost her husband a little over four years ago and my cousin Kat lost hers a little over a month ago.  They lost their dad a few years back.  I look at that and wonder how they go on, but I know as my aunt said you just do because you have to.  My aunt lost her husband and both her parents.  My parents lost their parents.  It seems like a cycle that is foreboding.   We often hear people say we are not promised a tomorrow.  Well we aren't and I understand more with each passing day what that means.  I try to live my life to the best of my ability and I play and laugh.  Sometimes I'm not the most adult person one might say.  I love to go in the store aisles and play with the noisy toys.  I like to poke fun at people I love.  I like to go to movies and play games.  I like to go to zoo's and play with building blocks.  I guess I just don't want to grow up.  The Lord has blessed me to find someone to be with who lets me be an over grown kid.  I'm very happy to have found him or did he find me?  Either way I know that life is fragile.  It's also fleeting and can be gone in the blink of an eye.  In the end though it's not how long we are here on this earth but how well we live, laugh and love.  To Bonnie and Kat and my Aunt I would say the men you loved left too soon but they left a stamp on your heart that filled you with the warmth of truly having been loved.  That is something that a lot of people never know.  True love is fleeting and you may not have had it as long as you would like to have had it but you did have it and no one can take that away from you.  You've lived in those standards more than some ever get to live, laughed with an honest roar and loved in a way some will never know.   So life is fragile and only good if lived.  You are all still living so live, laugh and love often. Embrace your kids, your cousins and all your kin.  Life is fragile and precious.  To my love I say thank you for making me laugh and letting me be me. 


Monday, April 18, 2016

Do You Bleed Red?

Sometimes I poke myself with a lancet to see if I still bleed red.  I mean I must be an alien after all.  I don’t seem to have the same opinions as others and they sure as hell don’t seem to think I should have feelings or needs.  Do I dare dream?  One wonders.  I was brought up with good old fashioned morals and values.  I was taught manners and to do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  I get disillusioned with people when they don’t react in a way I feel appropriate. Perhaps I should be poking them to see if they bleed red.  We are all humans with human needs and desires.  We all have things that bring us joy and things that bring us pain.  No one likes to feel odd man out, but there I’ve stood most of my life.  I know there is no right or wrong in this world anymore and to hell with black and white.  There are so many shades of grey one wouldn’t be able to see any other color if they tried.  We’ve built a society full of selfish and indulgent people.  Of course that is exactly the way the Bible says it shall be in the end, so I suppose that really shouldn’t surprise me any.  I guess my difference started when I was young.  I mean I liked playing alone in my own world of imaginary hero’s.  I would go off on my bike to rescue whomever needed it and I would often spend long hours in my room listening to music and trying to interpret how the person who wrote the song was feeling at the time they wrote it.  Then there was the interpretation of the singer.  I wonder if they really understood the point that the writer was trying to convey.   I often thought I did, but as I revisit those songs in my older years I realize I only now truly understand most of them.  I never really felt part of any group.  I remember when I was growing up wondering if I were from another planet and dropped here.  I wondered if other people felt the way I did.  I never felt truly like I belonged anywhere until I met one of my best friends, Chris.  She seemed to accept me completely for who I was and truly growing up became like a sister and is still family to me today.   I have lots of family that has come to accept me.  I’m not sure that accepting and understanding are always the same thing though I suppose if anyone would they would know me best.  I am also very thankful for my sweetheart.  He’s been the answer to a long awaited journey of trying to find someone who sinks up with me and loves me without trying to change me.  He’s been more than patient and understand and often fined amusement in my odd/off the wall since of humor.   Don’t get me all.  I love all my friends, so many, too many to list.  I also know I have family and friends that may feel the same way.  It’s just hard at times being me.  I don’t fit society’s norm of what a person should be.  I don’t find countless hours of drinking and partying fun.  I’m game for a couple of drinks and some cards or even sitting and talking with people around a fire but I’m not the parting type. I also sometimes get lost in my own thought and find myself sitting while others are talking not saying a thing, just thinking and wondering.  When I do open my mouth my commentary is not always interpreted the way I meant it.  It comes off as argumentative or impassive.  I suppose it is what it is.  I also know I really am like my astrological sign in most ways.  I am a crab and I will hide away in my shell if I feel betrayed, hurt or lost.  It is who I am, but I also know that in my journey of trying to do, I’ve given my all.  You see I do bleed.  There are things that can hurt me.  Even superhero’s need to cry every now and again.