There are places I can’t go. Some are physical and some lie in the dark corners of my mind. It seems odd to think of places that you might drive by every day and to stop just puts the weight of sheer dread and panic into your very soul. It seems even more than strange to know that when a thought crosses my mind I need to push it away or spend an entire evening crying and wishing for what can’t be. There are movies I can’t watch and there foods I dare not eat for fear of thoughts that will bring me down. Most days I have no problem keeping myself perked up. I may fall for a brief time but I usually dust myself off pick myself up and move on with my day. Then there are times when I just question why. I wonder why it is that I get so attached to people, places and things that they can have such an outright and profound effect on me. I don’t feel like other people. Someone may wrong me, but instead of staying angry I rarely am angry for more than a fleeting moment. Then it’s just hurt that fills in the empty spaces where they once were. Doesn’t matter what role they played in my life because if I chose to put them in my life my heart valued them like a priceless heirloom. It’s just the way I’m made. I don’t make lots of time if I don’t care. Often that caring is misunderstood and so is my hurt at their impeding irreverence to how I might feel about what they’ve done or what they are about to do. I often see the writing on the wall. I just don’t want to face what I see. I don’t to feel that someone could value me so little or cast me aside so easily. It’s simply who I am. I love deeply and passionately. There are places I can’t or should I say I won’t go for fear that the pain this time will be more than I can bare. Perhaps that makes me strange or perhaps it just leaves me to be simply human.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
So how is everyone doing this summer? Mine isn’t quiet going the way I want. I know it’s going way too fast. I started a new job, well sort of, same company different department. The new job has my life concentrating more on work than me with overtime, although this week I’m trying to make the entire week about me. What can I say I’m selfish? I put in a lot of overtime lately for them, so this week I hit the gym, a place I haven’t been much lately. I also arranged a couple of dates and am trying to move on with things. I have a little weekday fun in Indy planned to celebrate someone I loves birthday and I have Friday and Saturday to get in a little house work and friend and family time. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that as adults we don’t get “paid” summer breaks. If we could get a guy to run for office that would support that; I would so vote for him. The elections coming up in the next year should prove interesting. I really don’t think I can think of one person running for any office that is really worth a damn, but that is my own personal opinion. We need someone in there that will stop all the bullshit and none sense. I mean our government is suppose to be smart and maybe they are at padding their own wallet, but not so much at running things and I mean that on both the republican and democratic parties both. You can equally be angry at me. I haven’t seen much that should make us proud in the way of government. I do still believe in America as being the best although I have a friend who so wants to go to England to live. I really wish him luck with that. The grass is always greener on the other side till you get there and figure out you’re standing in a pile of manure. Why yes I am blunt. Glad you noticed. My summer has been a wave of emotions, some really good, some really bad. It’s been like a little mini soap opera with betrayal and love and intrigue all rolled into one. Not the way I like things. I like them quiet and drama free. I’ve also come to the realization that I am going to be me no matter what even if the men I choose to date can’t accept that. It’s not in my nature to play games. I do things people find odd but I do not play games. I feel if you’re going to date someone you have to make yourself available and give a little time so that you get to know them. Men that I’ve known seem to want that woman that plays the I’ve got other plans today game and then sits at home and does nothing because she wants to look mysterious to him. I’m not that way. I’m not the damsel in distress, and I’m not the girl who’s going to cower in fear of being alone or forging it on my own. Do I like being alone, no I don’t. I want a partner, but I want someone who wants honesty. I want someone who is honest with themselves and I sure as hell don’t want someone who’s judging me all the time. I recently saw someone who I believe thought I wasn’t religiously good enough which is funny considering I think they need to check their own back yard. I may not walk a religious chalk line but I am religious. I do believe in God and I believe the he talks to me and loves me. My life hasn’t been easy but I realize there are others who’ve had it harder and I don’t believe that I’m a terrible person for wanting a few comforts and pleasures in life either. Either way summer is starting to come to a finally and I’m hoping to have at least or attend at least one cook out this summer. I love grilled foods, especially burgers and I haven’t had a single one yet this summer. It just seems a shame to me. You won’t hear me complain about the hot weather either. I much prefer the fire of summer to the ice of winter any day and there is just something about the sweat and heat that makes me feel alive and energized. Well I hope everyone else is having a great summer and I hope you’re having fun in the warmth and sun. It won’t be long until we are complaining about winter again.