Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Many countless hours of my youth were spent alone staring out windows. Wasted time contemplating the difference between reality and the dream world to which I felt I existed. So many things I had been sheltered from. I felt very ill prepared for being an adult. I felt lost. Life wasn’t at all like “The Brady Bunch” or “The Walton’s”. There were no knights in shining armor riding to rescue me from the dragons that lay ahead in my life. I know the teenage to adulthood years are always complicated but somehow I felt disconnected from the rest of the world. I feel with the way the government and schools now baby kids and caudal them with everyone wins and nothing’s every wrong they are going to be a large number of children growing up such as I felt. I wasn’t sheltered that much at school but my parents had done everything they could to keep me from seeing the world in an ugly light. Not something I blame them for. They did what they thought was best; however, I was not prepared when at sixteen working my first job I met a woman who didn’t like me and was very blatant about it. I wasn’t prepared for the language or the pictures or the lack of caring that seemed to be for my well being as an employee. The year was 1983 and that was a rough year for me. It was a year that sent me on many years of self-doubt, reflection and yes even depression. 1983 in so many ways is the year that sticks out most in my mind. We all have that year we feel turns us around and leaves us a little if not a lot lost. This was mine. I found out so many things about the world that summer. Most and foremost I found myself hating my body. I wasn’t really that large for my size but I was a little larger than most girls my age. I started a campaign to lose weight and exercise and I was going to do it right and be healthy. I needed to do that. I thought somehow in my mind this woman disliked me for who I was that I saw in the mirror. Looking back today I think she was just bitter in a nowhere job she had for a long time. She didn’t like me because I was young and full of promise where she had withered and lost hope. I understand it now. I wish I had understood it then. Somewhere in September of that year as I went back to school my dad’s mother was admitted to the hospital with stomach issues. She also had a bad heart. This was nothing new though. My grandmother had been in and out of hospitals a lot and I really didn’t pay it much attention at first. My dad went to see his mother in late September without us. She was still in the hospital and seemed to be getting worse. I remember praying for her not to be taken from us. There was so much I wanted her to be a part of. I mean graduation from high school, college, weddings and children. I didn’t want her to go away. I didn’t know what that would be like. I had never lost anyone before that I loved as I loved her. My prayers were not answered though. The day after Thanksgiving in 1983 we headed to Lexington to see her. By the time we entered the waiting room my uncle told us she was gone. Her heart was still beating with the help of machines, but she wasn’t there anymore. It was just a matter of waiting and seeing how long it took her to wind down. The law at that time in Kentucky at that time didn’t allow for her to be taken off life support until her blood pressure dropped below 28. At first I refused to go into the room and see her. I really was scared of what I might find or see. This was all new to me and it frightened me somewhat. My aunt finally talked me into it and I wish to this day I had never let anyone talk me into going into that room. I remember all the tubes and all the machines and the sound of the machine as it inflated her lungs. I remember the tears at her eyes involuntarily caused by the pressure of the machines. I remember how skinny she was. My grandmother had never been a small woman. I hadn’t seen her since early summer when she had given me a necklace passed down in the family for my sixteenth birthday. She was so pale and so lifeless laying there. No words came from me. No movement towards her to touch her or comfort her or even myself. As I stood there looking at her now lying there I could picture her on the end of the porch the last I had seen her in the summer waving good bye to us and telling us to be careful. There was so much I didn’t understand about death at this point. Boy would that change as I lost a multitude of family and friends over the next few years. We waited a couple of days but the hospital could not tell us how long it would be so we headed back to Fort Wayne. That is the first time I ever recall seeing my daddy cry. First time I guess I ever thought of him as human. Now watching him get more and more frail it seems like so long ago he was that strong man that I thought ruled the world. The ride home was quiet. Later that evening not long after we got home they called to say they had taken her off life support and she had passed shortly after. We would be going back the next day. Another trip in such a short time where I would see my daddy cry almost all the way there. The funeral home was full of family. People were laughing and talking all around the casket. Still skinny but at least without the tubes she looked more like the grandmother I remembered. I was numb as I stood there looking around. I barely remember the people with the exception of my cousin Randal and my aunts and uncles. The more I listened the angrier I got. I didn’t understand how these people could be smiling and laughing and talking with my grandmother lying there never to speak to us in this life again. It would take years before I understood that was their way of dealing with it and what they were doing was reminiscing over the memories and celebrating her life. It really was honoring her memory but since I had not been around funerals and I had never lost anyone else it didn’t sink in. So many memories from that time that seem trivial, but some things stick out. For whatever reason it appeared to me that people felt I was strong and didn’t need a shoulder to lean on. They offered support to my dad and my mom and my other family members but I sat alone behind them with a tissue and my thoughts. To this day I couldn’t tell you about the drive home and back to Fort Wayne. The only thing I recall there was looking out the window and contemplating life. Either way for me things had changed. People didn’t live forever which meant someday I’d lose my parents. I started exercising more and watching what I eat even closer. It wasn’t long till I was having contest with myself to see not how many hours but how many days I could go without eating. I would drink liquids I just wouldn’t eat food. Longest I recall going was 8 days. Funny thing is after the first day without food you really don’t’ even want it so it’s not as hard as one might think. Since I had done that without dying I soon started a habit I would keep for a few years. I would eat about every third or fourth day. The really sad thing is that when I would eat I would feel guilty like I was letting someone down. I got really skinny but no matter how much I lost it wasn’t enough for me. Still isn’t. My body didn’t feel happy with me either. On the few occasions I decided to eat real food I would have to run to the bathroom and throw it up. I wasn’t making myself do this, but I wasn’t use to eating anymore either and my body wasn’t happy either way. I got really sick before I sought the help I needed. I started seeing a counselor named Dr. Bolyard. He was a nice guy that let me talk and talk, which I needed, but I had trust issues and I didn’t trust him so I talked with him about many of my issues, but never got close to the eating issues I was having which was the main reason I had started seeing him in the first place. That and I felt lost. Somehow admitting my eating problems seemed as if it would relinquish my control and it would make me a failure at life. I saw him for over a year and never mentioned it once; however, with his talking to me about other issues I started to eat a little better. This is the first time I realized in my own mind that my eating was controlled by my mental image of myself. Good or bad that was just the way it was. As I’ve grown older I’ve learned slowly but surely that there truly are no knights in shining armor. A girl must simply learn to slay dragons on her own and forge on. It’s the structure of my life. One I’m slowly becoming content with. To say I’m happy with my life would still be a bit of a stretch but I know deep down I am responsible for my destiny, my future and my own happiness. It’s a journey I’ve needed to take for a long time. Some people learn it early, some come to it early in life but we all live or die by our own hand in one way or another. So those who support me just understand I’m a work in progress and I love you all very much for being a part of my journey.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
I find myself struggling more and more with decisions in my life. I thought as we got older it was supposed to be easier not harder. It seems the older I get though the more I have to account to myself for my actions. Regrets? Yes I have many. I had hoped not to have any in my life but I suppose that would be an impossible task for anyone. We are all human; at least I assume that we are. I have been taught all my life that it’s not a good thing for one to feel sorry for one’s self; however, sometimes I feel as if I’ve pitied myself my entire life. I have never felt normal or as if I truly belonged and I have often wondered if that is a common feeling. Human beings are so judgmental on everything. This is perhaps why I feel so much more at ease with the animals in my life. Animals don’t judge us. They simply accept us for who we are and as they become a part of our daily lives they trust us to watch out for them and be there. It’s not that I don’t feel loved. I know there are people in my life who love me very much. I know there are friends that accept me, but as much as they say it’s not an unconditional acceptance. I’m not sure there can be such a thing between family and friends. I mean as much as you love someone they can do things that cause you to have to move on and move forward for self-preservations sake. That isn’t always an easy thing and I’m not sure if it hurts the one being left or the one doing the leaving more. I’ve heard it said that time is fleeting and that it can heal all wounds. I’ve actually seen where people have written that it’s a fact that it does. I don’t think I shall live long enough nor have enough time for some wounds to heal though. They go back to days of youth and I am no longer young. I’m not saying that I’m old, though some days I feel ancient, but I am saying that youth has passed me by without even so much as a pause, a wink or a nod. I have watched as the parents I’ve known all my life have slowly succumbed to the aging process somewhat early for people these days. My mother trapped in her body but still with a mind that wants to be sharp and vibrant and my father to his own demons of aging and probable regrets. I’ve always been drawn to being a care taker of people in my life. I actually enjoy taking care of people I love. A care taker is not an easy roll though and often it’s a thankless job. I’ve lived next door to my parents for going on fifteen years now. It seems like yesterday. I have thought often of fixing up my apartment and getting a care taker to live there and take care of them. I thought I was stronger but it’s not easy to have my own struggles and be so close as to see the daily life being drained from those you love. I also have a need to find a way to forgive myself and to forgive those in my life who I have felt have let me down or wronged me. Too many wasted years of wondering why the closeness of family I felt in youth has slipped away. I remember family gatherings. I remember days and days of sitting on porches and listening to stories or on patios talking with the neighbors. No one does that anymore. People are too busy working to make money for more things. Things can’t possibly be of comfort to them in the endless lonely nights. They are caught up in the dramas and in worlds where the only person that seems to count anymore is one’s self. I can’t say that I’m guiltless in this. I need to make more time for friends and family that is deserving of such. I am getting healthier now and I know longer have my issues to hold me back that I did for a couple of years. I do have the endless hours of working though that I have done to try to pay off all the cost that was associated with them. I’m hoping the New Year will be a good one and one of reflection. I’m hoping to read books to help myself. I’m hoping to find my inner strength and my inner peace and to get some new direction. Yes there are many cross roads in life. I’ve known more than my fair share of these roads. Of all the uncertainties in life I have no doubt that I am certain I will come across many more of these roads as I travel through life’s journey. Yes there are many cross roads in life. That is what gives us the ability to choose our own paths. They are the doorways to forgiveness and the pathway to change. If one doesn’t like the path they are on there is always another one directly ahead. So here is to the upcoming year of 2015 and to the crossroads of life.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
My second cousin recently posted this on his FACEBOOK page and it got me to thinking just how true this is. I mean I have never once not gotten back to someone who's important to me and I have always made time for those I love if I can. I know it may just be a hi or hello or a text or a phone call or even a nod on FACEBOOK but I always keep in touch with those I love in some way For the last few months though I haven't really been spending much time with anyone. I kind of withdrew into work and sleep. This shouldn't be looked at as if I don't care. I do. I do want to make time for people but sometimes it's hard emotionally. I've been going through a lot, especially since I had my hysterectomy emotionally. So today I saw a counselor for the first time in years. Yes, I've seen one before. It felt good to talk to someone I can say everything and anything to. I know we have friends and family that we talk to and there are some that know us so well it's scary; however, I doubt any of us tell anyone that is in our life everything. Look at Robin Williams and his recent suicide. Do you believe anyone really knew how badly he was feeling? Do you believe there is anyone out there that had they known would not have done everything to help him through it? No, I'm not suicidal. If anyone ever says I killed myself please step up and point out this post. No matter how bad things seem I know there is a sunny sky somewhere on the horizon. I know that taking ones life doesn't take away ones pain, it only displaces it onto your family and friends. So understanding that I've been fine the last while at work while I'm busy and that keeping my mind busy keeps me perked up for the most point I need to start getting back to the gym on a regular schedule and I need to get out in the world and see my friends. I think there is nothing wrong with anyone saying I need someone to talk to. There is nothing wrong with the recognition that you need help. For me it was the overwhelming sadness I would feel just walking around a grocery store by myself or when I'm at home alone. I need to find the best me and make myself happy and that is exactly what I plan on doing. Life is precious. None of us should just sit on the sidelines and watch it go by. Live, Laugh and Love. It's why we were all put here in the first place. Love you guys.
Monday, September 8, 2014
I suppose one could say I’m a little twisted, or maybe I’m normal. Who knows what any of that means anymore? I suppose every generation see’s theirs as the one that had life more simple and humble. I really should have been born much earlier. I would love to have been a stay home wife and raised children and kept house. That wasn’t the plan that God had for me though. At least that wasn’t His plan for me in this lifetime. I do believe our childhood was a simple one. We played with mud and sticks and climbed trees. We lived outside no matter the temperature. We loved it. We knew the neighborhood kids and we knew how to be creative. It’s sad that technology and lack of most parents’ ability to parent are taking that away from our children. Children need to be outside. They need to learn creativity. Our future for this world is bleak without that. They no longer need to see a stick as a horse or a gun as they play cowboys and Indians. As a matter of fact our society would lock them away for playing cops and robbers. How stupid have people become that they believe children playing with toy guns and imitating movies for play makes them criminals? Children become criminals for many reasons. Some of my opinions on why are because we’ve become a society of entitlement. They feel they are entitled to do or take whatever they want. They are constantly told they are good even when they are not. We haven’t taught them to respect anything or anyone. The Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. Don’t get your panties in a wad people; I’m not into beating kids. I don’t believe in beating children. I also though do not believe that warming their behinds every now and then hurts them either though. I think parents should allow some game time and some television time, but they would be better to make their kids do art, read, exercise, do work around the house. Make their children strong and give them ethics instead of caving into what is easier because they are exhausted. No, I’m not a parent. I wish I were. I’ve dealt with my fair share of children though and without any incidents I’m happy to say. None of this has to do with the title above though or maybe it does. I mean if we truly love our children the way I believe we are supposed to we want what is best for them before all else. After all children do not ask to be born, but rather either we are negligent or we decide we want children. Either way it’s our responsibility to guide them and direct them in every way possible to give them the best possible life. What I am contemplating today is how people view love and what it means to love or be in love. Granted they are two totally different ends of a similar scope. I mean when you’re in love with someone you love them, but when you love someone you are not necessarily “in” love with them. Now I know love is always a little one sided but it’s usually pretty even I believe if it’s true love. I know how I feel it is. If I love someone I go out of my way for them. I try to make sure they know it. If I’m in love with someone I not only do the aforementioned but I also try to make sure I don’t hurt their feelings with non-relevant side to what may change about their appearance. You see I know that especially for men what they see is important. Women feel that way too guys, but a difference in me that I don’t know if other people have is I don’t have to be attracted to a guy by appearance to want him sexually. Maybe that is what first attracts you to someone but I can see a guy who’s hot as hell and have no interest in sex or a relationship with him for the way he acts. Arousal to me is about how someone stimulates your senses and your mind. Now I know we are talking about love and not arousal but if you’re in love with someone you want to make them happy in my mind which means you want to satisfy them in every way possible that you can. We aren’t promised we’ll always look the way we did when we met someone. We could get in a car accident or we could have cancer or a whole world of possible other things will occur. I mean natural aging is one example. What I want out of love is someone who’s willing to be with me thru it all. Stick by me. Encourage me with love and optimizing behavior to produce that. I know self-worth is found inside you; however, emotional stability can be hindered by so many sources. Love is important for everyone. Whether we believe that love is important to us or not it is. I guess the question really is what is love? I mean can you love someone and put them down? Can you love someone and lie to their face constantly about the smallest of things? If you love someone do you criticize and find fault with them? I guess I am a little twisted. In reality I suppose we are all a little twisted at times. Love isn’t defined by one act, it’s not sex, but intimacy is important to any relationship worth having. Love should not be hard or painful. What is it the bible says? Love is patient. Love is kind. For me I guess love truly is blind because it will never be about looks or what someone has or lacks in monetary worth or physical abilities. Love for me is forgiving and trusting. It knows without heavy burden or doubts. In the end I suppose each of us really does have to stop and ask ourselves, what is love?
Saturday, May 17, 2014
I never dreamed when I was a child I’d live past thirty, let alone be getting ready for my forty-seventh birthday this summer. Life is a strange journey. When I talk about my life with people some understand me, some think I’ve had a lot happen, some don’t believe me. It is what it is seems to be one of my favorite things to say these days. I didn’t necessarily follow a conventional path. I was never sure of much in my life. I knew I wanted someone to love me for me unconditionally. I always wanted children, but that is something I may never have and if I do it will be through adoption. I was born in the wrong error for me. Some of my family and friends will find this hard to believe but my perfect life would have been to have been a stay at home mom. With kids in the back yard playing, I’d be baking cookies and setting drinks out for all the neighborhood children. I would love to have kept a house and made someone who loved me happy. Careers are fine and I know there are some women who would kill for them, but that isn’t me. A job or a career is fine, but life is best lived with family, not with work or money. I’m not a material girl, as Madonna professed to be in one of her songs. I just need enough to pay my bills and live. My favorite times are sitting with family and friends, talking, watching movies or telling stories of days gone by. I love the park. I love taking walks and would love to get a bike and just ride. I spent twenty-four years in college studying different things. I love to learn. I love to people watch and speculate about what they are thinking and what kind of life they may have had. I am blunt and honest to a fault unless you give me justifiable reason not to be. I love life and the Lord, although you won’t find me often in church. Not because I don’t like going to church but because I won’t be a hypocrite and go in and pretend to be someone I’m not. I love the old regular Baptist church but if I went with my family I would not feel right with my makeup on because my mom and dad don’t believe that way. I feel I would be disrespectful to them. I don’t feel bad in my makeup though and I don’t think God is unhappy with me for wearing it. I have given Him plenty of other reasons not to be happy with me. I live and let live. I try not to judge people and I don’t want to be judged. I do know a liar when I see one though. There are all walks in this life. I recently told someone about some of my experiences. You see I’ve met the devil and I’ve met the Lord. I was lying in bed one night wide awake and saw Satin at the end of my bed. I was plenty scared but called on the Lord and he vanished. The lights were on and I was sober and awake. It was an awaking for me that he does exist and that I do need to live right. Funny thing is us humans are slow to learn at most things. The Lord, Jesus visited me in a dream. It was real. I felt unworthy and He came to me and walked and talked with me in my dream. He wanted me to understand that God doesn’t make anyone who is unworthy or unloved. I have dreams that come true, but I am not psychic nor do I profess to be. I do have the ability to know what people are feeling though and often that can be a pain in the rear. I have friends and acquaintances’ from all walks of life. I am lucky enough to have had really good, loving, caring friends for most of my life. The kind of friends I could ask anything of and I would do anything for. Then I have acquaintances which I have around for fun, but I don’t trust and with good reason. An example of one of these is a woman who doesn’t believe faith wise as I do. Said when we met she wouldn’t try to come between me and someone else, yet constantly tells that person I’m insecure, what I say can’t possibly be true, etc. This person is not good at hiding it’s her that does it either because they will tell me something and then say oh it’s not so and so I heard that from either. I know that person well enough to say that indirectly they are saying it is that person. I hate drama, but I have lots of it around me all the time. I feel that is because I won’t play the games that some people so desperately need to play. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I won’t pretend I don’t believe the way I do. I have a very good friend who I know doesn’t believe in my dreams, he doesn’t probably believe I’ve met Jesus or the devil. The difference in him and this woman is he would never harm me with his beliefs or belittle me because of them. He would simply say nothing or say he doesn’t believe that way. I respect that because I will tell you some of the things I’ve witnessed in my life I would never believe if someone else told me. Some things you must see for yourself. I consider myself lucky though because I do know with certainty that there is life after death. Death is not an ending. I do have friends that know what I am saying is true from their own experience. I had a friend come to see me years back and before she could tell me why she came to see me I told her she was pregnant and even gave her information about the father of her baby. Psychic no, it’s that feeling thing I was talking about. Picked up on it, her emotions, I could feel that there was an extra life that was with her. Little did she know the journey she was beginning on, yet I doubt if you asked her today she’d trade it for the world. She has a beautiful daughter and granddaughter that mean more than most will ever have. So life has taken me farther and I will keep learning and growing because I am never really sure of much in my life. I’m not really sure where I’m headed or why I am who I am. I do know that life is what it is and that is all I need to know for now.