Friday, October 10, 2008
A Year & A Season of Change
I don't think I could have had a more ah-ha type of year if I tried. You know. The ones that make you go: Oh, that is why that is. Or OK now it all makes sense. As I was noticing the changing trees yesterday at work, and some ducks in a pond on my walk I took a good hard look back at the year and the person that was there and the person that is here. I would like to think I have grown in so many ways. I can honestly say I don't ever recall taking note of my life as much or making as many realizations as I have. Two years ago my family dynamic changed in a big way with my brothers divorce. I know people who get divorced often think they are the only ones to feel the effects. Not so. I felt it a lot. I wanted to make everything better for everyone, which is a pattern I had fallen into. One way I thought this could happen is if I solved all their financial and possession needs. I tried to make certain my brother, my nephew and niece wanted for nothing. I wanted to attempt to still be there for my ex-sister-in-law because she had been a part of my life for nearly sixteen years. Although I didn't like her at the time my brother was dating her and not for a good year after they were married, yet over the years I had grown very close to her. Although I knew deep in my heart it would not be easy to maintain any type of relationship with her I wanted beyond all to try. I think a divorce is one of those things that is so full of emotion for both parties that anything and everything can upset them. It's been a strain. For a A bit she and I were apart after my finally explaining my position to her, not that I wanted to, I didn't. My brother means the world to me and there isn't anyone on this earth that can make me choose them over him. That was a big fear. I kept thinking: "Don't try to make me choose." Although I think you can love many people on many different levels there are some bonds that are permanent and so strong they outlast superglue. My brother and I have that kind of relationship. My ex-sister-in-law and I have become almost like sisters. And right now our relationship is doing OK. We don't do hardly anything like we use to together. Life has taken us on different paths. I do wish her well though. I have gratefully gotten to do a lot more with my brother though over the past couple of years. We don't have a lot of money, but we have gotten to spend a lot of time and time is a precious commodity. I'm so blessed on that respect. I want all my family to be happy and for the longest time I have spent so much energy on trying to make sure that happened. So much so I lost track of trying to look out for me. Trying to make sure that I was healthy and financially well. So this last year has been a journey of correcting financial mistakes. One of trying to get my health back, my life you might say. I've reconnected with old friends. I've gotten a good start at organizing my house. I have been exercising more and watching out for my emotional needs as well. It's a journey full of wonderment. One I suspect will take me a few years to completely resolve into contentment. I'm happy now although still stressed at this point. So many things have happened in such a short time. I lost an uncle. I've watched a friend go through financial difficulties and a debilitating illness. I've lost my precious cat Basil who kept me centered with his loving nature. I've watched a neighbor lose his wife and an aunt lose her mother. I've watched friends and family struggle to come to terms with their own emotional issues. I've watched business's that once flourished turn to a point of demise and old neighborhoods vanish to business's that you wonder how they can open up in this economic mayhem. Another spring and summer are gone. Halloween is right around the corner, then Thanksgiving and Christmas. Another year I don't have to live, yet another year that with all the disappointments and pain, had a lot of happiness and joy as well. I have been blessed with time this year. Time spent with family. More time I've had with friends. A friend I've reconnected with that probably doesn't realize how admired he is for his strength of character and his warm inviting nature. A friend back from Texas that I had missed and still don't get to see enough. Friends made through work same times and emails that give me strength probably without realizing how much I admire their time they spend with their children, even if it is hunting, which is something I'm not really fond of. It's been a year of growth and rebirth on so many levels. Other friends that just make me laugh or smile. It's been a time of discovery and growth. One that I am sure is not even close to over yet. The journey of life continues and my journey to resolve those lost emotions and feelings are yet to be completed, but they are better. Change is a part of life. One that we must adapt to. One that we start out being readied and prepared for from day one. It's a cycle that makes us wonder and think. One that makes me just amazed at the beauty and the ugliness of the world all at the same time. I've had a great summer though of watching my niece and nephew grow and prosper. The simplicity of childhood. It's a beautiful thing isn't' it?