Why I'm here....

Since I've always been quick with an opinion an old friend once lost and again found suggested that perhaps I should share with more people my commentary. Never being one to pass on a challenge I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

What Might Have Been.

Robert Frost (March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963)

Everyone thinks about this at some point in life or another whether they say they do, admit to it or not. Last night was a reflection in my mind on what might have been. I do have one true love. Someone I loved with all my heart and soul and still do. Just couldn't live with him and his love of drugs and alcohol. His other short comings I could have lived with because even though some of my friends thought I was crazy to even attempt to be with him, he had a side to him I don't think any of them ever got to see. There was a side that when it was just him and me that was so real and was someone I could have spent forever with. To tell you the truth too I can't really blame him with his parents for turning out the way he did. I was at his mothers house one time when she said right in front of both of her children that she wished she'd have aborted both of them or that they would commit suicide and get out of her life. What an awful thing for a mother to say. His dad was a raging alcoholic and a wife beater. He left my ex and their family for a woman that was one year older than me. He left them in Germany and ran off with her. My ex often talked about remembering seeing him drive away. An American soldier who didn't hold much respect for his family I would say and did the service no honor by being there. I met the man once. That was enough to tell you he hates women. Not once in all the years I was with my ex though did he ever show a violent side. Never raised a hand and hated to argue. I just couldn't take the drunk in him. Until you've put a drunk to bed and had to clean up after him or talk him out of some delirium at 2am in the morning because he's forgotten where he is and asks you where your children are - that you don't have.... don't judge. I got to where a life alone sounded better. He wanted his freedom to party and I finally gave it to him. I saw him two summers ago. He wanted to pick things back up. We were in Meijers and he said come over to the house for a cook out and we can talk. I almost did. My heart was there. Then standing there he opened the pain medication he was picking up for his mother poured several into his pocket, said she will never miss them and put the cap back on and put it back in the bag. Red flags and alarms and bells and whistles everywhere were sounding. I declined the invitation and never called the number he gave me. Last night though in my dreams I was in the reality that could have been. One might think that makes you sad, but somehow it didn't. Somehow it just made me smile. Maybe some other life will take me down that road. Either way I am happy with my life today. Somehow always knew this is where my life was headed. My favorite poem of all times is:

"The Road Not Taken" by: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I—I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

"Sure I think about you now and then But it's been a long, long time I've got a good life now, and I've moved on So when you cross my mind...I try not to think about what might have been Cause that was then And we have taken different roads We can't go back again There's no use givin in And theres no way to know What might have been" Little Texas


Ritchie said...

It is too bad some people just love other things more. I know that feeling. Be glad you saved your self the years of heart ache that some of us had to endure.

You know, if I meet the right person great. I think I will know it, but I really don't care at the moment. Life is good! Assuming the economy doesn't screw it up life will be great again someday soon. The great thing about not being in a relationship is there is no one here to answer to.

ida said...

i'm in the somewhat relationship. he has too many pots on the stove for me to worry about him all the time. and i got a few pots cooking too. but, he has a pot that is ready to come off the stove and i think he will be wanting me to be alot more then a friend. after my few short years of being married to an abusive, lying, drunk, wife beating, cheating the system and himself, and doing whatever he did for extra money or whatever man. well i dont mind being alone. i have taken the road less followed on many occasions and i'll tell ya. its not a bad road. its a road made up of interesting memories.

ps. my mom told me the same thing too growing up. how much she wished that she had an abortion too with me and how fat and ugly i was. my dad was a little better but, he was nothing to brag about. i would have never left my daughter alone with him.