I've watched people all my life move on from a relationship and never look back. To hear some of them talk they never miss whatever it was that made that person so important to them to begin with. Sometimes what I would give to be one of those people who could do that. I mean don't get me wrong, on one hand I believe I am blessed to be a person who loves so deeply that every one who enters into my heart stays there forever. On the other hand sometimes that is more of a curse than a blessing I would suppose. I'm also not saying I haven't removed people from my life. I have. Some I cared about a great deal and still do. Others were never people I really cared that much about anyway. I suppose everyone is that way on some level. Today I spent most of it going over in my mind how my heart could so truly still belong to someone I removed from my life a little over fifteen years ago. I happened to run into him last night. We had gone to the same place. When he came up to me and started talking my heart literally felt like it had been ripped right out of my chest. How is that possible after so long? At the same time there was a sort of peace and eagerness in speaking with someone so familiar to my mind and heart. For a moment those fifteen years seemed more like they had been minutes instead. Some things about him had changed. I seriously doubt the ones that matter, to me, have though. I had spent time bracing myself for the fact that I could run into him anywhere and any time. I have a few times in the past few years, but no where that I was going to be for a long period of time. I had braced myself for the scenario where he's with someone new. I had braced myself for the scenario where he's distant and unfeeling and perhaps doesn't even acknowledge me. I had not prepared myself for friendly, welcoming, inviting and showing that warm side that I had loved so much. Such is my life. He looked good,except the tacky choice of outfit. He was friendly. As a friend said earlier tonight. When you see an ex you want them to look like hell and acknowledge you little if at all. Less painful to the heart that way. And for me it sucked realizing that after fifteen years my heart still skipped a little beat at the touch of his hand on my face. I didn't stay long after he got there. I didn't want to run out on my friends, but I also know there is a big big reason he's an ex and not a current. So time may heal and I think for the most part my heart has healed... maybe it cracked a little last night, but time never forgets. At least it doesn't let me forget.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Time May Heal But It Never Forgets...
I've watched people all my life move on from a relationship and never look back. To hear some of them talk they never miss whatever it was that made that person so important to them to begin with. Sometimes what I would give to be one of those people who could do that. I mean don't get me wrong, on one hand I believe I am blessed to be a person who loves so deeply that every one who enters into my heart stays there forever. On the other hand sometimes that is more of a curse than a blessing I would suppose. I'm also not saying I haven't removed people from my life. I have. Some I cared about a great deal and still do. Others were never people I really cared that much about anyway. I suppose everyone is that way on some level. Today I spent most of it going over in my mind how my heart could so truly still belong to someone I removed from my life a little over fifteen years ago. I happened to run into him last night. We had gone to the same place. When he came up to me and started talking my heart literally felt like it had been ripped right out of my chest. How is that possible after so long? At the same time there was a sort of peace and eagerness in speaking with someone so familiar to my mind and heart. For a moment those fifteen years seemed more like they had been minutes instead. Some things about him had changed. I seriously doubt the ones that matter, to me, have though. I had spent time bracing myself for the fact that I could run into him anywhere and any time. I have a few times in the past few years, but no where that I was going to be for a long period of time. I had braced myself for the scenario where he's with someone new. I had braced myself for the scenario where he's distant and unfeeling and perhaps doesn't even acknowledge me. I had not prepared myself for friendly, welcoming, inviting and showing that warm side that I had loved so much. Such is my life. He looked good,except the tacky choice of outfit. He was friendly. As a friend said earlier tonight. When you see an ex you want them to look like hell and acknowledge you little if at all. Less painful to the heart that way. And for me it sucked realizing that after fifteen years my heart still skipped a little beat at the touch of his hand on my face. I didn't stay long after he got there. I didn't want to run out on my friends, but I also know there is a big big reason he's an ex and not a current. So time may heal and I think for the most part my heart has healed... maybe it cracked a little last night, but time never forgets. At least it doesn't let me forget.
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5 comments:
As uncomfortable as this type of situation is, as painful as the moment becomes ... it is an affirmation that what you felt "back then" was real, honest and timeless.
Thanks Joe.
Sometimes old wounds never heal. We just get better and dealing with the pain. I know what you are going though. At least you don’t have to see yours bi-weekly. Someone said to me that situations like this give us a better insight to the one that we are actually meant to be with. We know what we are looking for after this. I am not saying he wasn’t a great guy, but it wasn’t meant to be. You were just smarter than I was in that you didn’t marry a person who was all-wrong for you. I read a passage in the bible recently that says it is better to be alone as we can do things that are pleasing to God. If we get married we end up trying to please our spouse and kids instead. It also goes on to say that it is ok to get married if necessary. I never understood that before now. How true that was of my marriage. I would say, don’t try to forget. I don’t think you ever will. What you had was special, but with the right person would be so much better. I thank God that he gives us better ways to deal with the pain.
i havent forgotten any of my ex friends. my life eithor has awaken up to the fact that i wanted more then they could offer. or they were not what was ever intended by God. take my ex husband. i married him for life. yea, it was less then 4 years and almost 20 years ago. but, it was for life. and becouse of that lesson in life i havent gotten married again. becouse i want it to be real. and for the rest of my life.
i have givin up sheila. i thought this last man that i loved was the one for me. i had never experiance that type of love that was life changing for the good. and if i never date or love again so be it.
remember they are exs for a good reason. it was so we could be whom we really are. and if i am the crazy lady that lives with her dog and works till the day i die so be it also. i dont know how ritchie can handle the ever 2 weeks thing with the ex but when we have kids we do what we have to do for the kids sake. so good for ritchie for dealing with it.
i dont even want to look for love anymore. if it comes up to me and lands in my lap i will be utterly astonished.
I no longer choose to be or can find myself bitter. I don't know if I will ever love someone again or not, but what I do know is that whatever I felt the other night Joe is right. I wouldn't trade one moment for the happiness I had with David in the past no matter how it turned out and if opportunity arises again and it's one day or one year I'll take that happiness again.
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