Why I'm here....

Since I've always been quick with an opinion an old friend once lost and again found suggested that perhaps I should share with more people my commentary. Never being one to pass on a challenge I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Thinking Outside The Box

I know some of you may be getting tired of my reflection on my life; however, my blog, my reflection. My friend Joe is probably smiling at that right now. In this moment in my life I need for whatever reason to reflect. Perhaps that is because I have never felt more human or more vulnerable than I have this year. I know the surgery I'm going to have coming up is common and done often enough that my surgeon is confident that I probably won't even have any bruising on the outside for anyone to see. That doesn't mean I won't have pain, but you won't be able to see the bruises. How ironic is that, that this surgery could be a metaphor for life? I mean we all have scars. Some hidden in our inner emotions. Some scars we share with family and friends. Some scars we wear on our sleeves, but there isn't a one of us out there that doesn't carry a little emotional baggage that we have never shared with anyone outside of perhaps God. The fact that my surgery is common doesn't make it any less scary or any less an item of concern for me that I may not see a tomorrow. I guess none of us are promised that. Today, as I was working on getting my house in order before my surgery, since I won't feel like it while I'm off, I found amusement in some of the things I was cleaning and going through. I remembered a friend telling me once that I was really easy to shop for because I really had no "style" to speak of in design in my house. I thought how right he was and yet how wrong he was. You see I don't have a style of contemporary or country or anything like that. He was correct about anything would fit in my house. My style though is to surround myself with pictures of family and friends. I surround myself with items that give me comfort in the memories they carry. On my wall you will find a picture my aunt Gertie gave me. It's one of kittens in drawers. It probably has no place being on my living room wall, but it is chalked so full of memories of times spent at her home growing up. It hung in her back room and I always loved it. She gave it to me a few years back. There is a trinket box from my Aunt Anna grace that sits on the shelve above my television. There is a globe with yellow roses (my favorite) that my brother gave me when we were kids that sits on a rack of Cd's. There is a flower that sits in my living room from my friend Chris that she sent me when I lost "Snickers" after thirteen years of companionship. There is a vase that I have placed "fake" flowers in, but the card is from flowers bought for me on my last surgery. There is a two dollar bill with a bunny rabbit on it that I bought for my uncle Roger with whom I had a special connection. My aunt gave it back to me after he died to remember him by. It sits on the shelf in my living room as well. The list goes on and on. So to me it doesn't matter that it isn't a style that could be in a magazine or that items might clash. There isn't one item that doesn't hold some memory. Even the assortment of candles that I have (I love candles and burn them often) have some bond or memory attached. I have a tendency to love wholly and for life; although as I have said in the past, sometimes we can love someone and still not be able to have them in our life. This is the reason that in my living room you will also find a teddy bear from my ex. From the one man I loved with all my heart, but couldn't deal with his drinking or lying. The memory of how sweet he was that day he gave me that bear and how sincere that one moment was holds a place in my heart forever. As well as the many items I display I have a ton I keep in boxes. Items of poetry, or letters. I know we keep our memories in our hearts and with us always, but I'm a keeper of emotional items as well. Along with this mismatch of items due to my emotional luggage there is the fact that I will often use items for something that they were not really designed for. I'm an out of the box thinker and you just really never know what you're going to find me using an item for. My bread box on my kitchen counter is a container for my quick meals in case I have to eat on the run. My canister set, which I know is suppose to be on a counter in the kitchen, is on the book shelf in the living room and contains candles so that I have easy access when I need to get one to replace one that is burned out. This is just a part of who I am. To know me is to, well, I guess that is up to the person who knows me. Either way, I hold on to these things and do what I do because I know I am blessed to have known and to know each and every person in my life. Each is unique and special in there own way. I wouldn't trade one day, not the bad or the good. Each thing that happens to us in life builds us into who we are and I like who I am now. I like that after years of struggling to figure it out and years of struggling to like me and get it right, that now I am an honest person. I am a confident person who has made peace with my life. So next time you are down, sad, or thinking that something in life is not the way you want it, just remember it may be a lesson to a brighter path somewhere down the road. It may be what gets you where you want to be. We don't always know why something happens. We can find the flowers among the weeds as they say. So take a chance and think outside the box. I guess that is what I was thinking as I was going through things today. I could feel bad for myself. I could let that fear inside me take over. I am the worlds biggest baby when it comes to pain and surgery. I could let it get me down, but I won't. I choose to think of the coming holiday week. The family and friends that I will see and the years gone by shared with family and friends I can never see in this life again. Never go conventional. Always think outside the box. Happy Holidays!

1 comment:

ida said...

you will do well with the surgary. thanks for the encouraging words. i needed some today. :)