The Blessings we Forget to Count

Every day on this earth is a blessing.  I know so many people who do nothing but mope and complain about their lives.  They have no one to love.  They haven’t gotten enough money or enough time to do this or that.  It’s so easy to complain.  I’ve been a complainer myself on many occasions but through it all I tried to look at the blessings of every day.  I get up out of bed.  I have another opportunity to make my life what I want.  Each new morning is a new beginning to the story of my life.  I can choose to wallow in it or I can dust myself off and make the best of it.  I’m many things but someone who falls and never gets up is not one of them.  I have seen a counselor for many years now.  She helps me talk through my problems.  She gives me someone to complain to that helps me bring forth my true emotions.  It’s funny that I think I now help her too.  I look forward to my and her talks and I think she enjoys them as well.  She’s someone I would never have met if I had not gotten the cancer I had and been down and out about a big hurdle in my life.   Life is funny that way.  I know it’s easy to dwell on the regrets we have in life.  Let’s face it if you’re over 12 you have regrets about things you’ve said or done.  If you say you don’t I’ll call you a liar right to your face!  I’ve done things to people I would never even consider asking them to forgive although many years past and I’m not the same person.  I’ve had things done to me that I will willingly forgive, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I have come to understand that people generally do not set out to hurt someone else.  They often do it without thought.  I wish I had come to this understanding much earlier in life.  It would have made it so much easier.  Now I take a moment and step back and try to see what that person might have been thinking or seeing when they did what they did.  I had a talk with a family member I had not seen in a long time this past weekend.  He was so angry at an ex in-law that I found it odd.  I could understand his anger.  He felt betrayed and hurt and let down.  She was not at fault all by herself though I found myself pointing out and although he may find her evil I would merely say misguided and hurt herself.  She was not easily accepted into the family and was kind of boasted as a less than welcomed member for the longest time.  Stories were told that hurt her.  I’ve heard both sides and both sides are wrong and right in so many ways.  The thing is it’s the past.  We can’t go back and re-write it.  Either way I understood the pain he had gone through so many years ago.  Life did not deal him a kindly hand.  God did grant him a family of his own though and a woman to put up with all that he could dish out.  God did guide him to seek the truth and walk in the light.  I believe an olive branch would be better to his serving than a baseball bat at this point.  I love both the people I’m talking about more than life. I love all my family.  I used to harbor anger.  I found it will just eat you up and keep you from thinking of what you should be.  I find anger of little use.  Instead of building the anger I try to resolve the pain.  What was done all those years ago can’t be undone.  What happened in a marriage that he and I were not in neither of us will ever truly know and holding ill will when both those parties have moved on is senseless at best.   Again I love my family.  I have not always been the favored niece or welcomed family member by some but I have loved them all the same and always will.  Each day is a new beginning and you choose whether to late hate eat your heart and time away or weather to turn forgiveness and put your troubles in God’s hands.  I know people right now with bigger problems than an old grudge of perceived wrongs.  I have a friend whose fighting breast cancer, one who’s wishing his wife would come back to him from Coma, one who has a cancer on his aorta and has to go to Mayo to get it looked at.  I have a friend whose skin is becoming his enemy as he’s been put in the hospital time and again and a friend who worries as his daughter fights cancer.  There is a family I know that morns the loss of their son this coming weekend and so many others I could go on and on.  Is a squabble that is Thirty years old really worth that time or effort?  Life is so short.  I have my own worries.  My finances need help.  My weight needs to go down.  My house needs cleaned up and organized.  My mother and father and getting older and I may lose them in the near future.  I don’t dwell on that though.  I choose to live in the way things are today.  Not the past and not the future. Be thankful for every moment you have with anyone in your life.  All time is a gift and very precious.   All my aunts and uncles future, present and past were a gift for whatever good they brought into my life.  Be thankful for your life.  It was a gift you should cherish.  Forget old grudges and enjoy the time you have.  It will not be that long until time has come and gone and those things you thought were important will no longer matter.  Be thankful for your blessings.  Know that if you are in my life you are loved.

A World Gone Mad: Hey There's An Elephant in My Tree

Our country has grown soft.  Yes that will make some of you angry but it is what it is.  We used to say “Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Now we say “Your words they hurt, my sensibilities you offended, off with your head, political correctness to the end.”  Today’s world is a world of “ME”.  Everything has to be about that person and what they want and how to get it free or with the least bit of effort.  What happened to taking pride in your work?  What happened to being proud to sweat for a dollar?  What happened to wanting to be able to show what you have because you earned it?  Our children don’t want to play outside or use their own imagination anymore.  They want to play video games and are afraid of the heat.  Riding bikes and playing cops and robbers is long gone and are left as ghosts of memories in my mind.  Water fights and playing t-ball were many an hour regardless of the temperature outside.  Our parents had to make us come inside.  Being inside was a punishment.  Today’s parents give their children everything they want.  No chores necessary.  Just lay in your room not getting exercise and learn to let a machine think for you.  Where are we headed to with this way of thinking?  One day who’s going to do the work?  Do you know how hard it is to hire a kid to mow lawns or shovel snow or wash a car these days?  I do know some kids that still will.  There are a few parents that get it.  Life and living is not done on a computer or in a game.  That isn’t living.  I understand wanting to treat everyone good.  You know we had the golden rule in school too.  Treat others as you’d want them to treat you.  We were not babied though.  We were taught that life is tough and that never is life going to be easy but you would make it.  We were prepared for what was to come.  If someone teased us our parents told us that no it wasn’t right but that we had to pick ourselves up and go on.  We knew that we would not get everything we wanted.  We knew what it was like to be proud of that first house we painted or that first car we bought.  When someone offended us we simply knew that either they were daft, or they just believed and saw things differently.  Did we get mad and angry, why yes sometimes we did.  Did we ask the government to make a new rule and stop someone?  No we didn’t.  When did we decide as a nation that it’s better to offend Christians and our forefathers and everything this nation was built on to be politically correct?  I believe firmly in a live and let live society.  I believe every man and women’s journey is between them and their maker and I have no right to judge them in this life.  I believe its ok for someone to believe differently than me about politics and religion. I don’t believe that if I express my opinion that I should be crucified for it?  Didn’t they do that in the stone ages?  I mean what happened to freedom of speech?  Hell what happened to freedom period?  Don’t get me wrong… I am still proud as hell to be an American.  I am glad I grew up when I did and that my parents instilled right and wrong and honesty in me.  I’m glad I am not someone who wants everything for free and that I take pride in doing what I need to do to make my life better.  I’m glad I’m a person that doesn’t take offenses to heart.  Yes I get offended every day of life.  People say things or do things that upset me to some degree, but over the years of living I have learned to step back and try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes.  More often than not people do not mean to offend, but rather just choose unwisely what they say.  They don’t think about it.  If you ask me there are way too many people out there blaming everyone and anyone for their life being the way it is. If you don’t like your life fix it.  There is no shame in asking for help when you need it but don’t play the poor me card.  I have always hated the poor me card.  No one’s life has been perfect.  There is always a sadder story just around the corner.  So you had a bad mother, or a bad childhood or you have been sickly all your life.  We could all get up every day and find something negative to think about.  The way to live is to get up every day and think about what you have to be grateful for.   What can you find in your life that is good?  If you can’t find anything then talk to friends.  Hell for that matter get out and make friends.  Your life is up to you. Sure you may not have a mansion but you don’t necessarily need one.  Some of the loneliest people I’ve ever met had money to burn.   Stop belly aching about what the boy down the street did with the girl next door.  Stop worrying about who thinks you’re fat or who cares you’re gay or who doesn’t like you for that matter.  Those people are not worth the time you are taking to think about them.  Embrace those that support you and lift you up.  Embrace the thought that I’m here and I’m going to live while I am.  Every day is a new day in this world gone mad.  Fall down today, pick yourself up tomorrow and move on.  You control your destiny and what will be left behind to be said of you, no one else. 

Fragile Life Only Good if Lived

 As my parents get older and more fragile I see the life they've lived over and over in my mind.  I believe they've had a good life and a happy one.  It's hard to think of a day when they will not be here to share in my joys and in my sorrows.  It's an awful feeling to know that all you can do is watch and do nothing to really make life better for them sometimes.  Mom has Parkinson which in it's own is a terrible disease that has left her unable to do many things she used to love to do such as garden and cook.  Dad has had to admit more here lately that he's no longer able to do what he once can and recently was in the hospital on a stay over night for the first time ever in his life.  That is saying a lot for someone who is seventy-six years old.  He's been lucky most of his life to have had the good Lord bless him with health.   It was scary that morning he woke me up to take him to the hospital.  He's not the kind of man who wants to even go to the doctor no matter what, let alone the hospital, so it scared me.  It took me back in my mind to a few years ago when he had melanoma and I was so afraid we would lose him then.  I know that day will come though I do dread it so.  I've had cousins who have lost their mates.  My cousin Bonnie lost her husband a little over four years ago and my cousin Kat lost hers a little over a month ago.  They lost their dad a few years back.  I look at that and wonder how they go on, but I know as my aunt said you just do because you have to.  My aunt lost her husband and both her parents.  My parents lost their parents.  It seems like a cycle that is foreboding.   We often hear people say we are not promised a tomorrow.  Well we aren't and I understand more with each passing day what that means.  I try to live my life to the best of my ability and I play and laugh.  Sometimes I'm not the most adult person one might say.  I love to go in the store aisles and play with the noisy toys.  I like to poke fun at people I love.  I like to go to movies and play games.  I like to go to zoo's and play with building blocks.  I guess I just don't want to grow up.  The Lord has blessed me to find someone to be with who lets me be an over grown kid.  I'm very happy to have found him or did he find me?  Either way I know that life is fragile.  It's also fleeting and can be gone in the blink of an eye.  In the end though it's not how long we are here on this earth but how well we live, laugh and love.  To Bonnie and Kat and my Aunt I would say the men you loved left too soon but they left a stamp on your heart that filled you with the warmth of truly having been loved.  That is something that a lot of people never know.  True love is fleeting and you may not have had it as long as you would like to have had it but you did have it and no one can take that away from you.  You've lived in those standards more than some ever get to live, laughed with an honest roar and loved in a way some will never know.   So life is fragile and only good if lived.  You are all still living so live, laugh and love often. Embrace your kids, your cousins and all your kin.  Life is fragile and precious.  To my love I say thank you for making me laugh and letting me be me. 

Do You Bleed Red?

Sometimes I poke myself with a lancet to see if I still bleed red.  I mean I must be an alien after all.  I don’t seem to have the same opinions as others and they sure as hell don’t seem to think I should have feelings or needs.  Do I dare dream?  One wonders.  I was brought up with good old fashioned morals and values.  I was taught manners and to do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  I get disillusioned with people when they don’t react in a way I feel appropriate. Perhaps I should be poking them to see if they bleed red.  We are all humans with human needs and desires.  We all have things that bring us joy and things that bring us pain.  No one likes to feel odd man out, but there I’ve stood most of my life.  I know there is no right or wrong in this world anymore and to hell with black and white.  There are so many shades of grey one wouldn’t be able to see any other color if they tried.  We’ve built a society full of selfish and indulgent people.  Of course that is exactly the way the Bible says it shall be in the end, so I suppose that really shouldn’t surprise me any.  I guess my difference started when I was young.  I mean I liked playing alone in my own world of imaginary hero’s.  I would go off on my bike to rescue whomever needed it and I would often spend long hours in my room listening to music and trying to interpret how the person who wrote the song was feeling at the time they wrote it.  Then there was the interpretation of the singer.  I wonder if they really understood the point that the writer was trying to convey.   I often thought I did, but as I revisit those songs in my older years I realize I only now truly understand most of them.  I never really felt part of any group.  I remember when I was growing up wondering if I were from another planet and dropped here.  I wondered if other people felt the way I did.  I never felt truly like I belonged anywhere until I met one of my best friends, Chris.  She seemed to accept me completely for who I was and truly growing up became like a sister and is still family to me today.   I have lots of family that has come to accept me.  I’m not sure that accepting and understanding are always the same thing though I suppose if anyone would they would know me best.  I am also very thankful for my sweetheart.  He’s been the answer to a long awaited journey of trying to find someone who sinks up with me and loves me without trying to change me.  He’s been more than patient and understand and often fined amusement in my odd/off the wall since of humor.   Don’t get me all.  I love all my friends, so many, too many to list.  I also know I have family and friends that may feel the same way.  It’s just hard at times being me.  I don’t fit society’s norm of what a person should be.  I don’t find countless hours of drinking and partying fun.  I’m game for a couple of drinks and some cards or even sitting and talking with people around a fire but I’m not the parting type. I also sometimes get lost in my own thought and find myself sitting while others are talking not saying a thing, just thinking and wondering.  When I do open my mouth my commentary is not always interpreted the way I meant it.  It comes off as argumentative or impassive.  I suppose it is what it is.  I also know I really am like my astrological sign in most ways.  I am a crab and I will hide away in my shell if I feel betrayed, hurt or lost.  It is who I am, but I also know that in my journey of trying to do, I’ve given my all.  You see I do bleed.  There are things that can hurt me.  Even superhero’s need to cry every now and again.  

Life's A Circle

Life’s a circle of learning, growing and returning to where we began.  I’ve done so many things in my life that I thought would make me happy.  A lot of them never came close.  I won’t say they made me miserable but the happiest I’ve been in my life is now.  I have a man in my life that accepts me for me.  I’m returning to reading the Bible and being who I have been all along.  It’s funny how we struggle so hard to find our inner person when all we have to do is be true to that voice inside us that says this is me and I will be happy with me single or with someone.  I will not change because someone finds fault with me.  No one has the right to find fault with me and often I believe when they try it’s their own faults they are running from, not mine.  I will not shy from being in the presence of strangers for I have no reason to fear them.  They will or will not like me and at the end of the day I will still be me.  I will still have purpose and I will still be happy.  They may laugh at me, I’ll simply laugh with them.  Only that which we allow to get to us can.  Life’s a series of choices.  Choose wisely and you’ll be on a path of happy days full of smiles.  Choose unwisely and it’s not the end of the world, simply pick yourself up, brush yourself off and change your path.  The past can’t be changed.  We all have baggage.  We all have regrets, and sorrows, but we also have days to stand up and be proud we are who we are.  God made you.  That is all in life you really need to know.  He chose to give you your life.  He chose to let you choose where you would go and what you would do with it.  You are still choosing as long as you’re breathing.  Seek only that you find a reason to smile and you’ll find one.  Live life.  Love with all your heart and laugh daily.  Anger, doubt, frustration and fear are all worthless emotions.  Why waste time on them? Life’s a circle and we only get one time around.  Enjoy it!

Holiday Blessings Are Once Again Upon Us...

“For whatever you celebrate this festive season (Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Santa and the gift of giving and receiving, a new year or just being alive) I would like to wish you and yours the merriest and brightest it can bring.

Ho! Ho! Ho!  Well, not quiet yet.  Recently at work I had a slow day and went ahead and did my Christmas decorations a little early.  I actually feel like celebrating the holidays for the first time in years.  I feel healthy, I'm looking at getting my life on track, my brother has a wonderful new girlfriend that fits so nicely in our family and I actually had a date that went very nicely last night.  With my decorating there were several people who felt that I was a little too early and one person even started a conversation about how we never decorate for Thanksgiving anymore, that its a lost holiday.  Well there are some decoration up in the office for Thanksgiving but fall decorations are not really my thing.  I also feel that we should all be thankful for our blessings each and every day not one day a year.  It's nice to sit down and do the family thing, but how many people do that anymore?  It's gotten so commercialized it's pathetic. I am actually looking forward to being off on Thanksgiving this year.  I have opportunity to work it and it's great money but I think this year relaxation and a movie like I did days of olden sounds wonderful.  The one thing I have always believed and always will is that every day is a blessing.  I may not feel my best but the good Lord blessed me to be here another day and looking at it I try to find the bright and shining stars and thoughts rather than the dark and bleak.  None of us have a perfect life but we have the life we have and if you look you can find the love and happiness within it.  

So Merry Christmas!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Happy Hanukkah!  Blessed Kwanzaa and may Santa bring me lots and lots of stuff... I mean may Santa be kind to you all.  ;-)

The Speed of Dating...

Men are fickle and women are gold diggers.  OK, maybe not really but how often do we hear these things?  I've never been one who understood why there were rules to dating, let alone what they are.  I am definitely different than most people from what I can tell. I suppose that is not a good thing or a bad thing it just is.  I like to make friends with people and once I do they are usually a part of my heart so even if we aren't dating I will chat with them.  This seems to be taboo to most people.  I like to give to people my time, things they like and yes even some times advice they probably don't want or solicit.  It's just who I am.  I love life.  I like doing things with people, but I also like my alone time.  I have never found someone I was willing to give up my freedom for yet.  That in itself I am told is a scary proposition.  I mean because I'm 48 and never went through with a marriage some people assume I wouldn't or I never will.  That is not true.  If I found someone who treated me right and whom I felt I could have a good life with I would have no problem.  I've just mostly dated losers in my life and have not felt obligated to join their train of self destruction and pity.  If you're reading this right now and we used to date you'll have to be the judge of whether that is you or not or whether we just didn't click as more than friends.  I am guessing it won't be that hard for most of you to figure out.  I have also found that some of the guys I have went out with were very quick to judge with very little facts something I've said about my life that they have no knowledge of why I would say that but assume it's wrong.  An example of this is my niece asking me questions she probably should have asked her mother.  I answered them because if you knew her mother you'd know the mother ship needs to beam her back up and the prospect of the information she would have given the poor child is scary at best.  The person I was on a date with though told me it wasn't my place.  No knowledge of the history or abuse or what type of person she is.  Judged, found guilty and put in a category.  I am sort of getting used to that though.  I also was told by that same person that they liked me, but I'm just a little heavier than they would like to date and that although they know I am losing weight and I will they don't want to wait the 18 months for me to get into the shape they would like me at.  I like him, but he needs to grow up and face some facts.  I want a person who will be with me through it all.  We are not promised to be what we are at the time we meet someone all our lives.  We could get sick or be in a disfiguring car accident.  I want someone who loves me.  It's OK to have looks but I know that it's more important to find someone who will be there for you.  Work with you on it.  I would have loved if he'd have started working with me on me and yes he told me multiple times how beautiful I was but I still wasn't good enough for him in his eyes which told me he wasn't right for me.  Good guy, love spending time with him, but I want a man that is there for better or worse.  Is that impossible to find?  I really don't think it is.   I do know I want what I want and until I find it I will keep looking.  If I never find it I'm happy with me.   Another issue with dating is guys wanting to know about my financial stability.  Now when I was younger I sort of got this, but now I'm 48.  my debts or lack there of are not going to be my partners issues.  Whatever we come into with will be our own.  If we choose to share it we do if not I've been paying my own way for thirty years now.  I'm not looking for a man to financially take care of me.  I want a partner in everything that we can do together that involves our time and love.  So today's fast paced dating world which has rules and goes 85 miles per hour will have to back up and understand I'm still stuck at 35 mpg and some pretty old fashioned ideas.  I want to cook for my man.  I want to clean house and go shopping for him.  I want to spend time at the movies with him and go for walks in the park or a local game.  I want him to want to make sure my car is in good shape, my shoulders are rubbed and an arm is there to go around me when I need it.  I don't think I'm asking for that much but then again like I said I really don't think I fit in. Maybe Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars but I'm beginning to think my home planet is Pluto.