Time Takes It's Toll...

Time takes its toll on everything.  I grew up in a trailer park.  I never felt any less or more than anyone else though.  I know the astigmatism associated with trailer parks but back in the day there were actually some very nice people that lived in there.  They didn’t fit the “trailer park trash” scenario.  Oh, don’t get me wrong I knew a few, hell I know a few people now that live in very nice houses I would classify as trailer park trash because of their behaviors and the association with the title.  Yeah I know judge not. 

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Some of them have earned my feelings on this though, trust me, eh or don’t.   I have some very fond memories of growing up on the Sandpoint Road in that little trailer park.  Playing for hours outside doing cops and robbers or going to the open field they had and playing baseball.  I got beamed with the ball more than once in my lifetime.  It was fun though and all the neighbors sort of watched out for each other and for all the children.  We actually knew who our neighbors were.  They would come and sit in lawn chairs and talk with us on many occasions. The memories are good ones but there is an old saying and in this case that you can’t ever go home appear to be spot on. A lot of those old neighbors I knew are long gone.  They are a distant memory.  There are still however a couple of their trailers standing yet in that park.  It’s funny as I write this how vivid the memories of how it looked and how I felt at that time are coming back in a mass flood to my mind.  It brings a tear because they are days that are gone forever except in my memory.  I drove through that park the other day for a trip down memory lane and it’s nothing like it was when I lived there. The beauty that it did have has faded and it now lives up to the expectations people have of trailer parks.  It’s dirty and dingy and to tell you the truth I could not help but wonder why the city had not shut it down.  I took a few photos that I’ll share here of what it looks like now.  Perhaps someday down the line I will take pictures of what it once looked like.  Time though does take its toll on everything.  The human body, the human spirit and all things material bend to its will.  How it is the song says it?  To everything there is a season and a time.  Ah, I believe life has its seasons as well.  In our childhood we are living in our springtime.  In our twenties and thirties we have our summer. 

 Our fall comes with our forties and fifties which lead into the cold winter of the sixties and seventies.  If you’re lucky you see past that time. It’s amazing to me how many people watch the seasons change every year and can’t see that it’s just earths own metaphor for their own lives.  So yes time takes its toll on everything and we have nothing we can do but sit back and weather the storm. We seek shelter in the love and companionship of our friends and family.  We learn life lessons too late sometimes and in other cases we relish the knowledge when it saves us from traveling down an abandoned road again. Life is what we make of it.  There are things that are beyond our control, but for the most part our happiness and our wellness is in our own control.  The park that I once lived in didn’t have to be allowed to decay and become what it is today.  It was lack of caring and lack of pride perhaps.  It saddens me to see it the way it is; however, the memories are always with me.  They are and always will be forever in my mind. 

Stress...

Now there is a word for you.  Stress is something most often I can handle and adjust too.  Everyone has it in their daily lives in some form or another.  When it's inflicted on you personally as if in an attack or your very being though it's a little harder than every day woes.  I know mine isn't near as bad as others though and I try to keep it in perspective.  One day at a time, one breath at a time is all one can do.  I'm a person that is stressed out more by attacks on my family than by myself.  Again I doubt that is out of the norm.  My poor niece and nephew at such young ages probably could write a book about stress and sadness and dismay.  That saddens my heart.  It saddens my heart that my ex-sister-in-law is so completely destroying all bits and pieces of her life.  One day she may find herself all alone with no one and yet she will have no one to blame except the person she sees in the mirror.  I love her, but there are some things one can not tolerate even from those they love.   I will grant you that there are issues that are out of her control, but most of them she's responsible for although you'll probably never hear her admit it.  I won't go into a lot of details.  It's personal family stuff.  I will say it's sad that a woman who is old enough in her life to know better is stirring up crap and basically picking on an eleven year old though.  As for my health it also is causing me grief.  Still not out of the woods, still waiting and wondering but hey it's not gonna get me down.  I have friends and family that support me and love me and I have fun with them. I guess on some levels I can be a needy friend.  I need to feel cared about, but then hey don't we all.  So with the holidays coming here's hoping everyone enjoys good times with family and lots of wonderful food.  I know I plan to make the best of mine.  I plan to continue to act as adult as I can and not look at what I can't change in dismay but in hope that it will get better and we will move forward .  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  May the upcoming new year bring us all joy.

Foods In My House - Now VS Then....

So I'm back in diet mode and trying to get myself healthy again.  I know when I found out about my cervical cancer last fall I slacked off quiet a bit.  I pulled out some comfort foods and although I tried to still exercise as I could and watch a lot of my foods, I fell short by a long shot.  Now that I'm recovering and getting healthy again I am loving it.  I'm all ready seeing the inches go away and feeling better as I eat healthier.  I'm not saying it's easy because it's not.  Just like any addiction food is something I have to watch.  I have to tell myself in the store when going through certain isles that if I buy it I will eat it and if I eat it I will feel bad emotionally and physically.  Isn't it odd that foods that taste so good often make us feel lousy?  I've learned to stock better foods in my house for me.  Some of the foods you use to find in my house I no longer stock are cookies, ice cream, frozen burritos, cake icing and chocolate milk.  Oh don't worry about me.  I still indulge now and then and I still stock wine in the fridge.  A glass here and there is relaxing.  What might you ask are the foods I've learned to stock to help me feel better about me and help me feel satisfied hunger wise and still lose weight?  OK.  I'll share.  If you're at my house a few of the items you might find include:  low sodium V8 juice, cashews, bananas, apples, peanut butter (oh yeah and I do get the peanut butter and jelly sometimes), cheese, pickles, egg rolls, eggs, , soups, bread (although I rarely eat it toast will do in a pinch if you're hungry), raisin bread, cereals, soy milk, Pringles (yeah I know they are not diet, but I don't eat em much), Dannon Light Fit Greek Yogurt and Jimmy Deans Turkey Griddle French Toast breakfast sandwiches.  I don't go out to eat very often, but when I do I eat what I want.  I think one of the major thing people do wrong when trying to get healthy and diet is they deprive themselves, which sets them up for failure at long term success and I want long term success. It's hard not to turn to comfort foods, but like I said with any addiction you just take it one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other.  It's been a rough couple of years with a lot of loss from Jeff, to Robb, to old friends, and family.  It's also been a couple of years of growing and succeeding on so many levels.  My attitude towards life and people has improved and my days are spent mostly happy and mostly feeling well.  I had a spell yesterday where I didn't feel great, but I pulled through it and ended the day on a positive with friends sitting around a fire listening to stories and laughing.  So tell me what is in your fridge and how do the foods you eat make you feel?

Until We Meet Again

It's funny the things we choose to remember from our childhood and the times we choose to remember them.  Some memories are bright and vivid and full of color, so much so that one could almost reach out and find themselves fully seated in the past.  Other memories sit so far back that even when we want to pull them forward they are slightly out of focus for us.  My uncle Harvey was laid to rest today.  I loved him; although I didn't know him well.  It's unfortunate that we live so far from family and that life keeps us so busy we don't get to be near our families like we would like to be.  The few memories I do have of my uncle though are very pleasant.  It's rare for one to have no ill or bad memories of any relative, but I honestly have nothing negative to say and no bad memories of him.  I remember a time when lots of family were at his and my aunt Gertie's home and my cousin Dwayne was about two and he was dancing for uncle Harvey.  I remember him laughing and laughing at how cute he thought it was.  I have other memories but that one stands most vivid in my mind on this day.  I think it's important when we look back on someones life to be able to remember them smiling and happy.  It's never easy to think of a piece of our past or a portion or our present as being gone and no longer obtainable.  I know his family all loved him.  I know this will be hard on them. I can't even imagine how hard it will be when the day comes for me to say goodbye for that final time to my mom or my dad.  I know it's coming; I watch as they slip further and further but it's still not something I'm ready to face as much as I think I'm strong when it comes to facing death.  I have seen death many times and lost many that I long to see again some day.  I still, even knowing that death is not an end, don't wish to say good bye and not have my loved ones here to hold.  I know when I do have to face it though I have many who love me and who will be there to support me.  I am lucky in that respect.  For all my family and friends, whether I see you daily or only speak with you occasionally or even only connect on face book.  I love you.  To uncle Harvey I hope you're smiling and laughing and waiting on those you left behind until we all can meet again.

The Sin's of Being Human...

It would be easy to look at someones life from the outside and see it as perfect, for one fleeting moment to forget that they are human.  You may see someone who has a fancy car, a fancy house, the idea job and the perfect looking family and be green with envy.  Things are often not what they seem though.  That person may be fighting alcoholism or may have cancer.  That person may hate their job or be hiding their true desire to run and do nothing more than flip burgers. They may be spending so much time at work that they have no time to enjoy their car, their home or their family.  The old saying the grass is always greener on the other side was formed for a reason.  I had a customer once tell me the grass is always greener on the other side because it's covered in manure.  It could also be because that is where the bodies are hidden.  We all as humans have preconceived notions of where we should be at certain ages, what we should have accomplished and even things we should or should have known better than to not do or to do.  The truth is there is no perfect path for anyone.  Some people may find money easily, while others may struggle.  Some people may find love early while others come to it late in life.  As for doing stupid things I'm willing to bet even Donald Trump would tell you he's done more than his share of things he wanted to kick himself for after having done them.  I look at my life and I know some would judge me, but in truth I am no more or less important for not having become a mother or for not being married at this point in my life.  I am happier than I have been in my entire life and I made some horrific decisions early on in life and I'm willing to bet I'll make some not so great decisions in the future.  Would I like to have found this inner peace earlier.  Hell yes, but it is what it is.  A person should not be judged for the possessions they own, the family the have or the items they can or can not purchase, but rather for the soul that they enlighten, the company they give and the love and light that they shine and share.  No matter where you are at in your life just remember it's a phase, and it could be better or it could be worse.  The thing to remember is no matter what put you where you are, you have the ability to change it one direction or the other and even if you pick the wrong options, it's OK to be human as long as you give it your best and if it was a mistake learn from it and never repeat it.  The sins of being human is the price we pay for the rights to choose our direction and our life.  So enjoy it, embrace it and learn from it. 

Reflection Time

It's that time of year that I reflect on my life and where I'm at again.  I know most people do that at New Years butt I do it each year as I approach my birthday.  I'll be 45 this year.  Seems like I should be sixteen.  Would I trade it back?  Only if I could be the person I am today inside and emotionally.  It's been a hard year.  I still miss my friend Rob a lot.  I have family that I somehow doubt will be with us this time next year.  I have aging parents and thoughts of when they are gone how much I will miss them; yet I intend to enjoy them while they are here.  In reality all we can do is live each day and try never to waste a moment that we have to live.  In reflection comes cleaning.  I am at a point in my life where I hate clutter and I live in a very tiny apartment so I'm into purging things right now and trying to figure out how I'm going to get down to that hotel like living.  As I clean I see things that bring memories.  Some of them pleasant, some not so much.  I also see things and wonder when they hell I bought that.  I don't remember it, having seen it since I bought it probably and wonder what was going through my mind when I did cause it sure wasn't anything rational.  It's a good day for me to clean cause I really am in a throw it out mood.  Anyone else need it cleaned up?  We really have gotten to be a society of people who want "STUFF".  We may never use the stuff and we may never see it, but we have to have it come hell or high water.  Not me.  Now I just wish I had more free time.  I have been spending a lot of time in Indy because it's fun for me.  I have a couple of wonderful friends there and it's a get away for me from my life and the reality of day to day.  I love my parents, but living next door to them is difficult at times.  It doesn't give me much privacy and yet I wouldn't trade my time I have gotten to spend with them for anything.  What will the next year bring?  Hopefully better health and happiness for all my family and friends.  The year started out rough so it should be better now, I would hope.  My health is what it is.  Hopefully in November everything will be thumbs up.  Meanwhile I'm getting back to the gym.  I'm getting back to walking and working on eating healthier and I'm working on making me the best I can.  In the end that is all we can do.  Reflection is good for the soul.  Walking and cleaning are my best two ways to have that inner reflection.  Well, this was just a short break, no pun intended, from cleaning.  Time for more purging.  Happy Fathers day to all the dads out there.

4000 Women Will Likely Die this Year from Cervical Cancer

That is a lot of women that could potentially die and I know it's an estimated statistic from past years.  The good news is that over the last fifty years death rates have decreased by over 74% from this disease.  The main reason for that is early detection thanks to yearly exams.  If it's found early there is every reason to believe your life will be just as long and healthy as it was before it was found.  Sounds good to me.  It's all conjecture in a way though.  You hear these odds and you think great,but what happens when you fall in the percentage that die?  Sad thing is a lot of the women who are dying are probably not getting tested and the cells that cause this horrible cancer are present in most men and women.  Yes I know men don't have a cervix,  but from what I've read prostate cancer can be caused from these same cells.  Until I was diagnosed with "abnormal" cells I wasn't aware of just how huge of a problem this was.  I've talked to tons of women about their issues they have had with Displaysia of the cervix.  Some who had just mild cases, some who had moderate and some with severe. Some had precancerous cells, some did not.  Some went through what I went through with the freezing of my cervix, which hurt like hell, to then getting a Leep procedure, to then eventually having a hysterectomy.  If you recall I was told that freezing the cervix takes care of the issue in 92% of the cases.  Well, lucky me I fell into the 8% mark.  Then on this one I was told 80% success rate and if it's a no go then hysterectomy.  So I'm nervous about my November 5th appointment to see what will happen.  I did go back to see the doctor last week and she did say everything looked good.  It was worse than they had initially thought.  There was more swelling and more cells and you get it right... They are fairly sure they did though.  I am on folic acid to help keep it at bay.  Yeah vitamin I knew basically nothing about but it boost your metabolism, helps with your immune system and ladies if you want to try to avoid this it's a good idea to take it.  It also helps your energy level and most people are depleted of it. Wish I had known that earlier.  Men it's good for you too.  I feel better than I have in a long long time.  I'm pleased to say between the thyroid medications and the folic acid I'm starting to drop the weight again and feel better about me.  It was severely depressing to be watching what you eat and still gain weight.  Not fun and something to remember.  Not everyone over weight is that way because of what they eat.  I literally for two weeks ate nothing but Chicken, boiled eggs, veggies an fruits and gained 15 pounds.  It seems that when your thyroid isn't working your body has a tendency to store everything you eat so good thing I wasn't pounding down donuts I guess but geesh.  Hopefully though this summer I will have some time to write some fun posts on here.  I just thought I would throw out some stats in hopes that all my female friends will go get their yearly exams.  It's important.  I want to keep you all around for a while and what I'm finding is this is very very very very common.  It's been a long year for many reasons.  Lots of death all around us everywhere.  Don't be one of them.  Get checked.  I know it's scary.  It's scary to think about, and to worry about and when you're going through it you always fear the worst but stay positive.  If anyone out there has any questions or wants to know anything or just wants support because you're going through it feel free to email me and we'll arrange a time to talk.  Sheilavz@frontier.com