The Crossroads of Life

I find myself struggling more and more with decisions in my life.  I thought as we got older it was supposed to be easier not harder.  It seems the older I get though the more I have to account to myself for my actions.  Regrets?  Yes I have many.  I had hoped not to have any in my life but I suppose that would be an impossible task for anyone.  We are all human; at least I assume that we are.  I have been taught all my life that it’s not a good thing for one to feel sorry for one’s self; however, sometimes I feel as if I’ve pitied myself my entire life.  I have never felt normal or as if I truly belonged and I have often wondered if that is a common feeling.  Human beings are so judgmental on everything.  This is perhaps why I feel so much more at ease with the animals in my life.  Animals don’t judge us.  They simply accept us for who we are and as they become a part of our daily lives they trust us to watch out for them and be there.  It’s not that I don’t feel loved.  I know there are people in my life who love me very much.  I know there are friends that accept me, but as much as they say it’s not an unconditional acceptance.  I’m not sure there can be such a thing between family and friends.  I mean as much as you love someone they can do things that cause you to have to move on and move forward for self-preservations sake.  That isn’t always an easy thing and I’m not sure if it hurts the one being left or the one doing the leaving more.  I’ve heard it said that time is fleeting and that it can heal all wounds.  I’ve actually seen where people have written that it’s a fact that it does.  I don’t think I shall live long enough nor have enough time for some wounds to heal though.  They go back to days of youth and I am no longer young.  I’m not saying that I’m old, though some days I feel ancient, but I am saying that youth has passed me by without even so much as a pause, a wink or a nod.  I have watched as the parents I’ve known all my life have slowly succumbed to the aging process somewhat early for people these days.  My mother trapped in her body but still with a mind that wants to be sharp and vibrant and my father to his own demons of aging and probable regrets.  I’ve always been drawn to being a care taker of people in my life.  I actually enjoy taking care of people I love.  A care taker is not an easy roll though and often it’s a thankless job. I’ve lived next door to my parents for going on fifteen years now.  It seems like yesterday.  I have thought often of fixing up my apartment and getting a care taker to live there and take care of them.  I thought I was stronger but it’s not easy to have my own struggles and be so close as to see the daily life being drained from those you love.  I also have a need to find a way to forgive myself and to forgive those in my life who I have felt have let me down or wronged me.  Too many wasted years of wondering why the closeness of family I felt in youth has slipped away.  I remember family gatherings.  I remember days and days of sitting on porches and listening to stories or on patios talking with the neighbors.  No one does that anymore.   People are too busy working to make money for more things.  Things can’t possibly be of comfort to them in the endless lonely nights.  They are caught up in the dramas and in worlds where the only person that seems to count anymore is one’s self.  I can’t say that I’m guiltless in this.  I need to make more time for friends and family that is deserving of such.   I am getting healthier now and I know longer have my issues to hold me back that I did for a couple of years.  I do have the endless hours of working though that I have done to try to pay off all the cost that was associated with them.  I’m hoping the New Year will be a good one and one of reflection.  I’m hoping to read books to help myself.  I’m hoping to find my inner strength and my inner peace and to get some new direction.  Yes there are many cross roads in life.  I’ve known more than my fair share of these roads.  Of all the uncertainties in life I have no doubt that I am certain I will come across many more of these roads as I travel through life’s journey.  Yes there are many cross roads in life.  That is what gives us the ability to choose our own paths.   They are the doorways to forgiveness and the pathway to change.  If one doesn’t like the path they are on there is always another one directly ahead.  So here is to the upcoming year of 2015 and to the crossroads of life.