Along The Road to Success You Are Bound To Meet an Ass or Two

So the holidays are over and I’ve spent the last two weeks working my tail off to remove the few pounds I put on with the holidays to get back to where I was so I can continue my weight loss journey. They say what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I guess I’ll find out. I have been walking five miles a day and lifting weights and doing a work out in the gym at least 6 days a week for the past two and I’m happy to say I dropped the Christmas weight by doing it. I can tell you too though that I’m worn out, tired and very sore. It takes getting up earlier than I’d like and I’ve been averaging about six and a half hours of sleep a night. I’m an eight to ten hour sleep girl for me to be happy. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it. I slacked off for a couple of months around the holiday. There were too many things going on, too many distractions and not enough time in the day to get it all done. I want to drop down to my appropriate weight by mid summer at least so I’m pushing myself. Don’t worry though I eat a balanced diet and take vitamins. I also spend a lot of time soaking my pour aching feet. It hasn’t been an easy journey and it takes constant reminding me that I’m doing it for me to keep me motivated. Today at the gym a woman asked me if I ever felt like giving up and I simply answered with every day. It would be so much easier to stay home and sleep, lie on the sofa and watch television or read a book and eat whatever I want, but it wouldn’t make me happy it would just make me less sore. Believe it or not though the exercise was not the hardest part of coming off of the holidays, but rather the changing the diet back to being healthy and balanced that was a chore. I’m getting there though, little by little. Most people are very encouraging that I’ve had to deal with on my journey. I started out weighing more than five hundred pounds and I’ve lost over three hundred. Most people are amazed and full of praise and encouragement for me to complete my journey. Every once in a while you run into a complete and utter jerk though that believes they know it all and they have all the answers. That can drag you down if you let it. It can even cause people to fall back into old habits. Having been that heavy I remember how hard it was in my mind to be in public and always feel like people were judging me. I remember the thought of exercising in public scared me to death and eating was never fun because you assumed that people were watching every bite you took. Shopping was a terrifying adventure in its own right. Nothing was ever in my size and no one seemed to want to help me. I had to fight past the images of hatred that are out there. I had to not think of the few idiots that would laugh and judge and ridicule me and decide I was going to do it for me and I wasn’t going to let them hold me back. I had to want it and want it more than I had ever wanted anything before. It’s a different world for me today, even though I still have some to lose. I get asked out quiet a lot. Guys literally stop and back out of doors they were coming in to hold them open for me. If I’m shopping people come up and offer to help me and I never have trouble finding something in a size I can wear in any of the stores. Not to mention I can fit in the seats in waiting rooms and I can walk with out dying for a breath of air or my legs and back killing me. So what got me on this article today was an event that happened early last week. There was a guy I had gone out on one date with last summer. He was fun and it was a great date and we even talked a few times on the phone afterwards, but in those conversations I learned a lot. In one conversation he talked about being broke but wanting another date. I told him money wasn’t important we could do something that didn’t cost anything and he told me no we couldn’t that to have fun he liked to go out and spend money and drink. About everything that sounded fun in this guy’s world required beer I believe. Not a good sign for someone who use to date a drunk. I really don’t want to go down that alley again ever. In talking with him I also learned that although he loved to work with handicapped children he wasn’t so good with adults. He lived by himself with three kittens at the time, probably cats now. Everything this guy started to say told me more and more that dating him probably wasn’t a good option for me, but I always like to keep friends and I feel we can be a positive influence in people’s lives, but we have to be there to be that positive influence. I liked him, but I didn’t like some of the stuff he was saying. He hated gay people and everything they stood for. He at one time compared them to child molesters. I tried to explain the error of his thinking. I let him know that I respect he has his right to his opinion but that this comparison was well off base. These people are not hurting children and their sexual preference is not even close to the same thing. What they do in their personal life is none of his business and his being that judgmental and hateful just isn’t right. He didn’t stop with just gay people though, he pretty much hated black people too as far as I could tell. Archie Bunker would have nothing on this guy. I still wanted to try to help him see differently. All people are equal in Gods eyes. God may or may not like what someone is doing but he loves them all equally. Sexual preference and skin color don’t have anything to do with who a person is inside. This guy saw them all as sinners. Well he cherishes drinking, isn’t there something in the Bible about that? We all sin. We all have to be forgiven for those sins and the only one who should judge us is God, so I guess he’s sinning again by judging people now isn’t he? So at one point this guy dropped off my Facebook page because he just couldn’t stand some of the post by my friends. So I figure his option. A few months back he called my home number out of the blue. Said I had made him see things differently and wanted to be my Facebook friend again. He wanted me to come spend time with him and see him in his little town of Berne. I’m not much for driving but I told him I might do karaoke with him sometime there. So he was being polite and all seemed to be ok. Then last week his car broke down and he made a comment to me about needing attention and I’d know what he meant if I didn’t hang around so many gay people. I understood what he meant just fine, but hey he’s the one who moved to a one horse town because he said everyone in Fort Wayne was a waste of space and he wished it would just disappear or something like that. I think I’m saying it more politely. I think my one friend was right when he said this guy has major anger issues because I don’t know what bee crawled up his rear but he decided to start making nasty remarks and started calling me a liar on my Facebook post. I had posted that I had just finished a five mile walk, which I had, and I was going to lift some weights. He posted: “Yeah right.” Then proceeded to call me a liar, tell me he knew a lot about fitness and I should be ripped if I worked out like I was saying I did on Facebook. I told him it takes a while and I’m getting there and he called me a liar again. He proceeded to tell me he knew fitness. I’d say he knows how to bake his skin too long in the sun, but looking at him fitness is not my first guess as to what he knows. He’s got some muscles… of course one of them is beer induced. He just went off on me in a hateful rage on Facebook. I’ve never been mean to this guy, tried to treat him with respect, tried to be his friend even when I didn’t agree with his opinions and here he is trying to undermine everything I’ve worked so hard for. The old me would have probably gotten a little discouraged. The new me just got pissed off. It wasn’t like he sent me a note and asked how long you been doing this, and are you seeing any progress. If not maybe I can help. That would have been nice. No he went on a tirade. He is definitely someone who needs a full length mirror and needs to take a good, long, and healthy look in it. He has anger issues and hatred issues. I try to hang in there with people I really do. Any of my friends will tell you I try not to judge and I will tell you how I feel but I will respect your rights to your own opinions. I try to be a good friend, but this guy had broken the final straw for me. I guess the whole point of this article is to let anyone out there who is struggling with an issue know that there are more people out there who will support you than the ones who will try to knock you down and that you’re not alone. The assholes are far and few in reality and when you encounter one, laugh because they really are not worth your time and their life is far worse than yours in comparison. They bully and push because their lives are lacking and you’re trying to pull yourself up and they can’t stand that they really suck and you’re doing better. Brush off their dust and move on is what I say. I have loving family, wonderful friends and a multitude of supporters for my journey. I’ll gladly cheer any of you on in yours. I just find it sad that along the road to success you are bound to meet an ass or two.

Yes, I know I'm Needy, But I'm Working On It.

So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they?

Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my heart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is.

Cookies Are What They Are & So Am I….

So they say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink… I say throw it in and as it’s trying to get out it’s bound to get some water down and will drink. You think you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, make it hungry. I suppose I’m the old dog in this cliché. I can learn given the appropriate circumstances and prompting but I am very old school in a lot of my thinking and actions. I am the first to admit I know very little about dating or at least the way people think it should go these days. I’m not a game player so I’m not going to pretend to be the feeble or be a damsel in distress to get a mans attention. I have been told by many of my friends that I need to learn to play the game. I need to learn to act uninterested and to use a man to get free dinners and movies and then act unattainable to get his attention. Are you serious? Is this what you men want? You want a woman to play games with you? I guess I will forever more be single then because I won’t play games. I won’t act interested in you or lavish you with attention just to use you to get free food or movies. It isn’t who I am. If I am interested in you I see no reason not to let you know and then you can decide from there whether you’re interested. Let me tell you I personally think a man an idiot for not taking me up on my offer because I know I am more than capable of making him more than happy, but that is something men don’t seem to care about. They don’t care I can cook or that I’m loyal or that I enjoy every aspect of the relationship. They really seem to get flustered that if they act uninterested or tell me they aren’t that I don’t chase them or play some game to try to get them interested in me. I don’t have time for games, nor do I want to play them unless they are the games played between two people in love. To me it seems most of you guys want Barbie Dolls. Good luck with that. Barbie dolls are pretentious and will emasculate you at every turn. They will try to keep you under their foot instead of walking proudly beside you or following your lead. I do so want a relationship with someone I am interested in. There is the other rub now isn’t it? Life often has people interested in people who are not interested in them. Is that like a big karmic joke? You know though out of the last two guys I had relationships of any sort with I wasn’t really interested in them when I first met them and couldn’t see myself being interested in them. I mean the one I just had whatever it was I had with when I first met him I thought he was nice but that was it. As I got to know him I began to like him and saw him differently, so guys if a girl isn’t interested at first it doesn’t’ mean she won’t be at some point. It’s all about your approach. Being too eager can make her take a step or two back though. I’m just saying. Now as for dating can someone please explain the rules to me? I mean to me proper etiquette says if I ask you out and don’t discuss the payment arrangements of the date with you ahead of times, then I pay for the date. If you ask me out, you do. Has this changed? I mean I don’t mind going half and half with a guy. I don’t mind paying part or even taking him out every once in a while, but I would like to have it discussed with me. I recently went out on a date where I ended up spending money I wasn’t expecting to and it left me in a really tight financial crunch for the week. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been discussed, but it did bother me somewhat that it wasn’t. I’m just asking because I obviously don’t have a clue anymore about anything in the dating world. Also what point in the dating relationship do you see sex as being an approachable subject? I really find it offensive if it’s on the first date. Am I wrong again? Anyway I suppose I’m just a little on the old fashioned side. I like my doors opened, my chair pulled out and I like the man to order for me. He might ask me what I want, but when the waiter comes I like when a man orders for me. What can I say; I’m a romantic at heart. I’m the type of woman that if I go to a cookout or a party with a man then yes I will be waiting on him. I will go get him something to drink or eat and I will be where he can see me at all times if not right by his side. I’m also the type of girl that once I start dating a man I want him to be secure in our relationship so sorry guys if you’re straight and my friend I’m probably not going to be texting, emailing or calling you. I will probably delete all records of anything before this guy out of my email and my life. As a friend said, if I am not comfortable when my guy walks up to me then whatever I’m doing is wrong. I believe that. So what it comes down to is that cookies are what they are and so am I. I don’t know how to be anyone else. I’m not sure I’d want to be. It’s an adventure to say the least. One that has me down a little because I feel like giving up, but I will keep trying, because you just never really know if love is right around the corner or not.

The Age Old Question...

When did we as a society stop respecting age? I mean I know that no one wants to grow older, but I am proud of my age. Hell I’m proud that after all the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life and illness I’ve had in my life that I’ve lived as long as I have. With age comes wisdom, uh, most of the time anyway. Now I admit to having some vanity. I mean I do cover the gray hair, although it’s more I don’t like the way it looks than the fact that I care about it being a sign of age. I would rather not have any wrinkles. I would rather the girls were perky. I would rather not have the aches and pains that come with time, but I am proud of my age. I also think I don’t look my age, which is a good thing. I have a hard time understanding when people are upset by their age to the point that they lie about it or try to hide it. I suppose society has driven them to it, especially if they are women. I mean it’s perfectly ok for a man to age, he is called distinguished. A woman is just called old. A man with a much younger woman is considered OK and lucky. A woman with a much younger man is considered a cougar. A woman can have children into her early fifties usually, while a man can have them up to the day he dies. Somehow all these things just are not right. Statistically a woman will outlive her mate if the same age by about ten years. I find that fascinating on so many levels. A person’s age and dating is its own beast of burden. Do you want someone older or younger or would you prefer them to be your age. Some people think it makes a big difference, I really don’t. My grand parents on my mom’s side were sixteen years apart as well as I have an aunt and uncle about the same and several cousins who have married someone well their senior. They all seem to be happy. I think when you’re looking for a mate that it should be about compatibility. You need to find someone who you can enjoy time with, someone who likes things you like. As I told someone yesterday though if you are not in love with a person I don’t think you should ever marry them. True love, does it exist? Yeah I think it does. Even if we are not talking relationships though and are just talking age in general I find it sad that the American people have forgotten to wonder and marvel at their elders. I miss the days of sitting on a porch and listening to the old timers telling stories. I miss my neighbor Mr. Wall with all his adventures. People for the most part anymore want to just put the elderly in a retirement home and forget them. At least it appears that way to me. A few years back I did some volunteer work and sat with some elderly to keep them company at a nursing facility and I found it sad that some of the people there the nurses said their families never visit. A lot of cultures out there do respect their elders and take care of them in their own homes. For whatever reason though here in the good old United States of America we have forgotten that they were once young, they were once us, and they deserve to be respected for all they have given. Heck even the government is letting them down with the faltering Medicare and Social security benefits that are way past needing an over haul. I find beauty in seeing an older couple walking and holding hands. I for one don’t find age repulsive and I know personally when you get to know someone the beauty on the inside can make them very attractive regardless (notice I did not type irregardless as it is not a word per a very good friend of mine.) of the packaging on the outside. Vanity reigns high in most people’s lives though. I find nothing wrong with trying to look your best and be your best, but age should not be something we cower from. Every day we live is another day of wisdom and in my book another day of respect we should have earned. I aspire to be Crabby Roads by the way… So how do you feel about the age old question?

Torture Never Felt So Good

So Sunday when I went to try to do my workout routine I found it extremely painful. I didn’t understand why because even though I knew I was sore from previous days working out I knew it shouldn’t be as hard and as painful as it was. I felt a little beat and like what the heck, but I tried to do them and sweated profusely and got through it. I push myself. Lately I am thinking I need to push myself even harder, although some people would disagree with me, like my parents. I have a goal in sight and it’s so frustrating knowing I am getting so close yet still not there. I had a lady ask me in the locker room last week if I ever feel like giving up. I simply said, “Everyday”. I mean who wants to push themselves so hard that they cry? Who do you know that enjoys pain? For me it’s simply that I want my life back and I want to be healthy and the best I can be, so I don’t give up. I’ve come so far, but sometimes the journey seems so long. I’m very appreciative of a couple of friends that push me harder than I push myself and give me advice to keep me going and help me get the most out of my work outs. Although I understand my mom and family and friends may mean well when they tell me to take a day off or missing just one day can’t hurt, for me it’s kind of like telling a drunk that just one drink won’t kill them. I need to keep pushing myself until I hit my goal. I need to keep going daily and working at it to keep myself motivated. I know once I hit my goal I can go to a maintenance routine but for now I need to go. I also understand it doesn’t leave me with a lot of spare time, but it’s my choice. Anyway turns out I had a fever and was passing kidney stones on Sunday night. I spent four hours with the porcelain thrown on Sunday night before finally deciding I needed sleep so badly that I popped a couple of Vicodan and went to sleep. Then I went to my doctor on Monday who told me that is what had happened and I might be passing more. A few medications later and I was back home, warn and tired. I slept the better part of the next sixteen hours. By Tuesday evening I was still in pain somewhat, but it was subsiding. I still have an infection and I’m taking antibiotics for it, but I think and hope and pray the worst of it is over. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I’m use to pain though. This is probably why I didn’t think much of it at the gym. I’ve endured a lot of pain in my life so it’s easy for me to dismiss as this or that. Yesterday I was back at the gym in full force. I forced myself through a routine I find pure hell at the moment, but I did each and every exercise that I was shown and did all my reps and didn’t complain. I hurt though like you wouldn’t believe when I left the health club yesterday, but the fact that I had done it and that I am still not one hundred percent made me feel great. I am going back for more tonight because achieving my goals are my driving force and some how torture has just never felt so good. Join me?

My Update...

Progression is the key we all look for when we are doing anything. I have been avoiding the scale as per my doctors directive as I have been working on the toning of my body to where I have it at this time. I have started back on the heavy cardiovascular and weight loss as of this past week though and I am loving every minute of it. A great portion of that is walking outside and as mother nature shines down on me there is nothing to clear the old cob webs out of ones mind like a nice brisk walk. I love it and I highly recommend it to everyone. I feel great for the most part, bar having done way too much exercise recently and my muscles revolting with soreness, but I still forge on. People ask me constantly how I do it. I mean how do I do the weight loss and how do I push myself to continue on this path. It's simple to me. I have a vision and a goal. Just like anything you want in life if you want it badly enough you'll push yourself and work for it. Also, if there is anything I've learned over the past couple of years journey is that I am capable of doing about whatever I set my mind to. A little pain isn't going to stop me from getting what I want. After all life isn't suppose to be easy and pain free. It's always a little amusing to me when people ask me how I'm doing the weight loss and toning and I say diet and hard exercise. I know they want me to say some magical surgery or some diet pill, but that just isn't so. I put in at least 5 days a week and anywhere from 2 to 4 hours at a time at the health club. I also take several walks, right now as of this past week about 20 miles a week and working up to more. To be quiet honest I don't think I would appreciate it as well as I have if it had been some magical concoction rather than my own hard work and determination. It's not easy... I mean when you've got an option of sleeping your full eight hours or waking up after five or six so you can get to the gym and work out before work it's awfully tempting to give into sleep and I'd be lying if I said on occasions I didn't do just that. I also carry a picture that I laminated with me at all times to remind me of where I have been and never want to go back to. It's just one of my little ways of keeping on track. I have found that on days I don't get to the health club to do workouts I don't feel quiet as good as I do on the days where I do make it. This is another incentive to me to get up and go. I know once I've been there I'm going to be rewarded with a calm and feeling of good health. One thing that never ceases to amaze me at the gym is how many people are not truly there to work out. I mean you have the seniors club that is there to socialize and get out of the house and God bless them for moving and keeping fit in the process. Then you have the ones who go to the health club and hope that somehow by looking at or sitting on the equipment they will automatically reap the benefits of hard exercise and get in shape. Following these are the ones who use the health club as a dating tool. I have never been hit on or asked out so much in my entire life and I'm not really that great of a catch in looks, at least I don't think. One definitely finds a wide array of characters lurking about while there. Me? I don't mind talking to people or even having a friendly conversation, but I am there to work out and get healthy. I make sure I hit my machines and I stay active while I am there. If you want to talk to me you'll more than likely have to follow me from machine to machine and station to station. Then heaven help me, but guys I am going to let you in on a secret... I don't know if what I am about to say is true for all women, I somehow so think it is, but if I'm exercising it is not a good pick up line to come over and act all macho and try to show me how to do what I am doing, especially when I am doing it the way my trainer has told me to. It's also not wise to call me little lady or sweet heart and pretend like you have more right to be there than I do. I just don't get that one at all. I can see my friends right now that know me so well rolling on the floor laughing at the image of what was said to and how it was received of the guys who've tried this crap with me. Go ahead, laugh, take a minute and compose. So if you're done laughing? I'm hoping this summer will find me hitting my goal weight and getting in the best physical condition I can possibly get in. I know what I want. I have a goal and my eye is on the prize. Anyone care to join me?

Facing the Fear

Walking in on one’s worst fear and attempting to stay is something I can attest to is not an easy task. I have been all about trying to conquer my own fears over the past year. I have faced things I thought I never would and dared to do things I never cared to even contemplate. Imagine if you will being confronted with a haunting memory from the past, something that gripped you so badly that it controlled you for more than a decade. The scene you walk into very similar and the feeling in the bottom of your stomach that of sickness and fear. You can feel every inch of your spine tighten and every breath seems like a chore. You consciously are aware of every time you move about the room your brain has to be told to move your arms or your legs. Your hands tingle with a numb awareness that you are ready to grab the car keys and find the nearest exit. You bite your lip at the awareness that your legs may not support your flee. It’s almost as if a slow motion picture is playing out in front of you. You’re physically there, but somehow it’s not real. Inside you are filled with memories of days long gone by and of a time and place that no longer exists except for in your fears. Can time repeat itself? You are faced with the decision of staying and facing your fears to finally put them to bed or turning on your heals and running back into the safety of your own private world. Should a person stay and face it so that it will no longer control them or should they tuck their tail and run? I suppose one could say I’ve done a little of both. I am a firm believer these days that you must face life head on and that wallowing in self pity and fear gets you absolutely nowhere. There are no nights in shinning armor that are going to ride in on their white steeds and save the day. It’s up to each and every one of us to live our lives and to make the best of what we have. I’ve preached this before I know, but it’s not changed in that you can choose to wallow in self pity or you can pick yourself up and make the most of each and every day. I personally think if a person hides the way I did for so long they truly are not living, but are merely existing. One could argue they are merely taking up space on an all ready overly crowded planet. Then there are always regrets and mistakes. Good Lord knows I make enough of them that if they were the pre-requisite for giving up on life I would have long jumped in the open grave and let someone shovel the dirt on top of me. We all make bad choices and we all have regrets. It took me many years to realize that. Sometimes it can feel as if the world is only beating us up and that the rest of the world hums along without any problems. I know that isn’t the truth, but it would be easy to believe especially when a bunch of issues and problems all seem to accumulate at our door step at the same time. Ever have one of those dreams that you are running and going nowhere as the monster creeps slowly up behind you? Your feet just aren’t getting you away fast enough or they are moving but it seems like no matter how fast you run the monster gains ground. Yeah we all have those don’t we. Sometimes life can feel that way to. Next time you’re having that dream take control of it, stop in your tracks, spin around and kick the monsters a**. Go ahead you can do it. The same as you can face your fears in real life. You can choose to forge on and be the best and have the best life you can possibly make it out to be. Everyone has problems, fears and regrets. It’s how we handle them and how we live that makes the difference.

"I don't believe in self-pity. It only brings you down.
I may be the queen
of broken hearts, but I don't hide
behind the crown. When the deck is stacked
against me, I just play
a
different game, My roots
are planted in the past and though my
life is changing' fast, Who I am is who I
wanna be" - Reba McEntire's
"Survivor"

Martina & Trace...

What can one say about two such outrageously talented performers together under one roof for one spectacular night? It was an awesome concert. Not withstanding the lack of ability on the planning of whomever threw it together, I still had an amazing time. Tom and I got to the coliseum and went up to the lounge to relax before the concert. I saw lots of cowboys, so that wasn't all bad. Then we found that there was a long line in as they didn't really have the routes into the concert outlined in a manner that made for ease of getting to your seat, of which they decided that they needed to remove our seats to make more walkway room and then tried to sit us up in the stands and way away from the stage. We were suppose to be five rows back. I was not pleased to say the least. Then the usher ran off with my tickets. We ended up standing at the back on the floor, which although at first I was frustrated it turned out to be a good place to be, especially when we found out we were standing directly in front of the makeshift stage that Martina McBride came out to during one of her performances. If we had been bold enough we literally could have reached out and touched her legs. We were that close. So where we ended up wasn't so bad after all and being on the floor I was able on multiple occasions to walk down right in front of the main stage and take photos of both Trace and Martina.
Trace Adkins of course could just stand on stage and I would be happy, but he was quiet charming and entertaining. He even cracked a joke after an audience member gave him a beer that he'd recently come to realize he's allergic to beer. It seems every time he drinks it he ends up in jail he joked. He went on to drink the beer. His performance was mesmerizing to me. So much man and such a velvety voice. Then Martina of course was flawless and thankfully she sang a lot of her old school type music. One of which was a song off her "Time Less" album. I was happy about that because I like her older music much better than the new. All in all a good time was had. I am still not happy with the coliseum. Good money was paid and expectations were set and although it turned out OK, I didn't care for their lack of good judgement and planning. If you would like to see the rest of the pictures I took at the concert you can find them on my face book page.

Learning to Love Yourself...

I know on more than one occasion I have spoken of my feelings about life and living. I constantly think about the past. I am not sure if that is normal or not. I have a tendency to think it is and that as human being’s we use that as a tool to keep from repeating our mistakes. Some of us though keep repeating them if for no other reason sadism. Yep, a whole bunch of you just had your eyebrows turn upward. Do I believe some people are enticed and drawn to pain? Hell yes I do! Mostly I believe that people do it unwittingly though. Last week for me was rough on so very many levels that I am not even sure where to begin. I have known for years now that I take states of manic episodes. My emotions run either extremely happy or extremely sad. There is no middle ground for me. I worked with a therapist on that years ago though and learned how to read the signs and how to handle them for the most part. I am proud to say I do it without medication. I mean most people who are prone to manic episodes are on Zoloft or some other medication and even on the medication to me they seem far more messed up than I could ever be. For anyone who doesn’t know what one of these states is like I am going to tell you, so sit back and enjoy the ride. When these episodes, for lack of a better term, come over me there is a high energy sensation that is over my entire body. I almost feel like I could make light bulbs glow if you placed one in my hand. I feel the need to be up and about and doing something. That outlet of energy could be shopping (common and dangerous to the wallet), drinking (dangerous because in these states it helps dull things which you feel the need for – alcoholics often do this), dancing, exercise, cleaning house, or playing a sport or something. During these episodes sitting or being in one place for too long can drive me batty. My nerves feel as if someone has stepped on the last one and I just want to have fun and forget life exists. Anxiety is a big key player in this state. One to know what this feels like for us? Drink about twenty cups of coffee in an hour and not know if a loved one is going to live or not. That pretty much to me sums up the feeling. It’s tense and I would tend to believe if one didn’t know that it’s simply a chemical imbalance that you have to learn to control that you could think you were going half insane. Now every manic episode is followed by a depressed state. The manic episodes themselves can last anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. The depressed state usually doesn’t last as long, but when that fall from manic to depressed hits look out. It’s a total feeling of worthlessness and foreboding. I can cry for no reason and at the stupidest things. Last week I was manic for the first part and during that time had some very horrible news on several fronts. The end of the week and beginning of this one left me depressed. I’m happy to say right now I’m leveled off from both. I also had the task of writing about some of my inner most thoughts on what caused my weight issues and had to let someone read it to complete the assignment so to speak. That was a tough one. Opening up completely, although it may seem otherwise because of the things I write in here, is not something easily done. There are parts of me that no one knows. I am also sure though that this web site has given my brother many insights into me that he had no clue on. You see for as open as people believe me to be, they’ve only seen shadows of which I really am and how I really feel. This too could be normal. Who am I to say what is or is not normal? I just know I have never felt like an ordinary or normal person. I chose a person who had no ties to the events of my past to read the letter I had to write. The person the counselor wanted me to have read it I couldn’t risk upsetting and the person I let read it I was afraid to lose out of my life, but felt they at least had no connection. You really have no idea how vulnerable a feeling that is to let someone read something you had to admit about yourself that you clung to in secret for years. So what is the point of all this? Simply that I must learn and have been learning to live with and love who I am. It’s something that makes us better for ourselves and for those around us. It’s something I wish we could teach our children to do well before they are adults. Why do we have so many people out there who are quick to judge and label? These people somehow make it hard for others to be who they are. What a waste of time and energy I think. So as the holiday comes up what I would wish for each of you is that you know how special you are for just being you. I would wish that you enjoy your uniqueness and love yourselves. I really do love all my friends and family with all my heart. I also hope that you know there is not a thing I would change about who any of you are. Happy Holiday’s!

What Doesn't Kill Us...

"What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." You know I use that line way more often than I know I probably should and the truth of the matter is I hate that saying. It's what we tell someone when they are facing life's tough choices, issues, or problems and I somehow so very much doubt it's ever really made anyone feel better. The thing that really sucks is that the saying is absolutely true though. Through our hardships in life we grow stronger. I talk way too much I also realize about my past two years and the changes and the feelings and emotions. Things people will either agree with me on or get annoyed that I bring up over and over. So it will be of no surprise I suppose that this blog post is no different. Yesterday was hard for me on so many levels. I barely ate anything. I had a Nestle Crunch bar and a hand full of pretzels and then I didn't really want those. I had no appetite at all. All day and all evening there was a feeling of dread and almost depression like feeling I carried with me. It wasn't depression though. I have had that. I know that feeling. This one was so off and so hard for me to mark in my mind what it could be. Then this morning or last night, which ever you consider midnight, I went to Meijers to get a few things. Not a rough trip in that nothing looked good to me so there were no temptations. Just went in for dog food, water, diet A&W and some bleach. Walking around I felt an empty pang in the pit of my stomach. No, it wasn't hunger. As a matter of fact food thoughts didn't even enter my mind. I did force myself to eat a sandwich when I got home, but it tasted bland and I almost forgot I was eating it. I knew in the back of my mind what these feelings were. Anyone who's been there knows what these emotions were. They were the emotions of worry and dread. Yes, I am not a person who worries that much or dreads that often. Usually if it's something out of my control I just leave it in Gods hands, but yesterday I spent dreading today. Today was a day that could have changed everything. It could have made all the rules go out the window. If you recall six months back I had a mammogram. It didn't turn out normal. I have a place on my left breast. An abnormality. OK so most things about me aren't normal, but this worried me. I had an ultra sound. Agreement from doctors that it wasn't normal. Then came a decision to watch the place and see what happens. For six months I have waited for this day to come. Not one day has gone by that I haven't wondered if cancer was spreading through me as I breathed in and out the daily air. Most days though it has been just a fleeting thought. Then today I went for the exam to find out. No, it hadn't grown. As a matter of fact the doctor said he believed it had gotten smaller. This means they can almost surely rule out cancer as in it would not shrink, but they want to be safer than sorry some day so another six month wait. No heavy weights lifted completely off my shoulders, just a few pounds released as in I have dodged the bullet this far. So I still won't tell my parents. No need to worry them needlessly. I will wait and try to believe with all my heart that the next six month test will show the same if not better. I will keep working on getting healthier. I will keep my chin up and yes perhaps I will be just a little stronger after today than I was yesterday. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Doesn't it?

Forty Percent? Not Quite!

First and foremost let me state that I love shopping at Borders... I'm just slightly annoyed by them at the moment.

If you have a borders card then you are probably like me and you are constantly getting coupons from them either in the mail or in your email. I could waste a whole paycheck in this store. I love going in there but rarely do because I really don't like the thought of being broke. So today I dropped in there because I had a coupon for forty-percent off DVD sets. I am currently wanting the 3-Pack DVD of Star Trek that has "The Wrath of Kahn", "The Search for Spock", and "The Voyage Home" on it as well as The "Reba" series and the "Hero's" series, particularly season two. So I thought I would go over and check them out. Now I expect them to be a couple of dollars higher than Meijers or Walmarts. It just goes with the type of store it is. I didn't expect them to be ten dollars a set higher. Meijers has the Star Trek and Hero's sets for $29.99 each. So it surprised me that Borders had them listed for $39.99 each. Also I know with the forty-percent off coupon I would still get a savings because it would bring them down to $23.99 each, but it really irritated me and got under my skin that they were so marked up and probably due to the fact that they were going to run this little special of theirs. So as in I really need to watch my spending anyhow and I'm really broke this check I left with nothing. I didn't even look at anything else. It just plain aggravated me to the point that I didn't even want to be in their store. I'm just saying... Love Borders most of the time, but I am thinking it will be a while before I go back.

The Hardest Choices

The hardest choices are by far those of the heart. Sometimes life's choices aren't what we want, but rather what we know is right. Making the right choice can be a difficult thing, especially when making it separates you from someone who thinks you walk on water. Someone who completes you in every way. That in itself is so rare and so heart breaking on so many levels to find and then have to tell the person friendship is all there will ever be. There is an old Reba song that is so strongly burning in my mind today. The song: "One Promise Too Late" resonates so deeply in my heart that it aches. No, I'm not the one who made the promise, but I stand behind the fact that if one makes that promise if at all possible they should keep it. I also know I would never be able to live with myself, even if there is all ready marital discord, if I put myself in a position to keep a husband from his wife. So choices we make have an affect on so many things and people other than ourselves. Funny how I think that one of the reason's so many marriages fail today is that people jump into their relationships and sex and marriage way to quickly. They are looking for the dream without realizing that they are letting it slip through their hands. The person you spend your life with, as I stated earlier, should complete you. You should want to be their everything and them yours. I think there is more than one person out there for each of us that can do that. I've been lucky in one way to feel that way twice now in my life. Unfortunately I don't think either of them is the person I should be with at this point. I do hope my knight in shining armor is out there though. The person who will be with me and that will see past my flaws. The person that is so comfortable with me that they can tell me anything and know that I love them so much that it won't matter to me what they say. Seems to me lately I have had so many life choices to make. I'm happy though. Don't let this little rambling of my emotions catch you off guard or make you think otherwise. I know as I write this that person will read it too, which, makes it a little hard to write. Friendship is a good thing. Friendship sometimes can be more fulfilling than a relationship. I care deeply for this person and I want them to be happy. I want them to fulfill their dreams and from what I have heard from them they can accomplish that where they are. It's their decision and their life though. We all chose our path every day. We can chose to be happy. We can chose to be upset by the what might have been scenario. I chose to be happy. What do you chose for yourself today?

Mistakes, I've Made A Few!

I believe this is one of the busiest weekends I have had in a long long time. Yesterday I started off with a trip to "Ryan's" restaurant in Auburn with my parents and my niece and nephew. Then a little light shopping, of course home to get my walk in. I couldn't possibly not have walked as gorgeous as it was yesterday. Then I had an evening at the Allen County Fair planned with my brother and my niece and nephew. We bought them wrist bands and so they got to go nuts. They kept riding rides and doing the slides over and over again. They also enjoyed Elephant ears and the Horse show along with looking at the various other animals that were there. Four hours later and oh my aching legs and even though the kids could have stayed all night it was time for them to go home and get baths. Then after that I got the opportunity to spend some time with some of my graduating class. It was nice to just sit and relax and listen to others talk of times gone by and of their life as it is today. I think I actually have caught a few of them off guard with the way I am now. You see in high school I was quiet. I didn't say a lot and I wasn't as opinionated as I am now. I also wasn't an open book. I am definitely an open book now. Sometimes so much so that it startles people. One of the things we discussed last night was mistakes that have been made. Lord knows I've made more than my fair share of mistakes. Mistakes make us who we are today though. We learn from them and hopefully move on and as one of my classmates said last night we hopefully never repeat them. During the night it was obvious we all have made mistakes and have made choices that have brought us great joy and even success in some cases. I worry about one classmate though for the choice they are about to make could be a big one. Yet the thing that is so miraculous about mistakes is that they are all our own to make and rarely would we allow someone to talk us out of them. I would also have you know that the person who says they have never made a mistake is either not human or is lying. I simply listened last night. I said little about this persons decision. The thought that went through my mind was that the grass is always greener on the other side. Yet I am not hearing the whole situation I am sure and as I said a person's life is their own to live. I came home around 1:30 in the morning completely exhausted and so wrapped up a very busy Saturday. Sunday was a little less busy. Lunch at Pizza Hut with family and then of course home for my walk and then to a cook out with my friend Vinnie. I wasn't great company tonight. I had a raging headache. I felt awful for having been poor company, but the food was good and listening to the families and friends chatter was warm and welcoming at least. I wrapped up my evening by vacuuming, dusting, doing laundry and writing out bills. It was a good weekend, but a very busy one. One where I really had a lot I needed to get done that I didn't... Perhaps it's another mistake, but I somehow doubt it. One mistake I never want to make is not having time for family and friends. In a blink of an eye family and friends can be gone. The work will always be there tomorrow. So

yes, mistake I have made a few, but then again, who hasn't?

It's Not About Size.

Several of the magazines today that I saw in the store listed articles about Michael Jackson's extreme malnutrition and his extreme thin and frail body. These articles speculate on the fact that Michael may have been anorexic and that this may have attributed to his demise. I have no doubts in my mind that Michael was a severely tormented soul. I also understand that one thing people do in their lives when they are struggling is use food. They may over eat. They may under eat, or in extreme cases binge and purge. This is also something I know a great deal about. People who over eat do it most often due to a filling of a void that needs filled. Whether this void is of self worth, or self loathing is a hard question to answer. Food in this case is used as a comfort. You see the food won't judge you and rarely will it let you down, but it's only a temporary comfort and usually leaves a person feeling worse than they did prior to eating it. Purge and binge? I can understand where people might do this too. I mean you want the food for comfort, but then you feel guilty for eating it. You feel guilty for losing that control you have for a moment. Then the need to get rid of it may become overwhelming. Lastly there is the lack of eating of food. One might wonder a lot on this one how this is a comfort. I know all too well. In my teen years and into my early twenties I was very depressed on many levels. I was also unsure and confused. There were very few things that I felt I had control of, but food was one thing I could control. I could say when and what I ate. My friend Joe drew a characterization of me one time where he depicted me with either just a diet coke or a water. I have often looked at that, yes I still have it, and wondered if he knew how accurate it was for that time. I was fairly thin back in those days. It wasn't easy. It was done from lack of food. It wasn't the healthy thing to do. The diet and program I am on now is slow and frustrating; however, it is the correct and healthy way this time. Back then a normal time for me would be a sandwich every couple of days or a salad. I rarely ate on an everyday basis. Diet Coke and water were my staples. I remember one week I went all seven days and food never touched my lips. I also remember a few weeks later getting very sick and being so week I remember crawling to the bathroom. I had the flu, but I think it was twice as bad as it would have been since my body didn't have the nutrients it needed to support and sustain me. It took me a long time to figure it out in my mind and I did talk to a counselor. Dr. B. He was really cool, but even then there were things I didn't tell him. I prayed and I did a lot of thinking and thankfully I pulled through that dark time. It was followed by years of using food as a comfort though. Now I am working on being mentally and physically fit. The mental is good I think. I am happy. I have a direction in my life and a purpose. I'm taking weight off very slow and very steady and by eating (that is a key) and exercising. Either way I can understand the emotional roller coasters and their associations they can have with food. Yes, I think Michael was a tortured soul and I can sort of relate. I pulled out of mine though. I doubt very much though that his lack of eating or food had anything to do with size though. Food issues rarely truly have to do with size. There are underlying issues the person is dealing with. No, I know from my own demons and my own issues, it's not about size.

My Blogging 1 Year Anniversary

It's hard to believe it's been a year. Seems to me though I find myself saying that a lot these days. It's hard to believe so many things. I find myself these past few weeks in a mood to reflect, but not so much in writing. There are some feelings that you just can't convey into writing no matter how hard you try. Yesterday as I was walking I found myself thrown back in time thinking to a time when I had walked home from work late at night over more than ten miles of road. My uncle Roger has made me promise never again to do that and to call him no matter what time of day or night. That was in the later half of the 90's. It saddened me that as I walked and remembered that he's no longer with us today. This picture of what we always called "cat tails" I took the picture of on my walk on Monday. They also took me back to days of my youth. We lived along a railroad track and we were always playing with these things. They were our toys of our own choosing you might say. So many memories that seem like I could just reach back to yesterday and pull into this very moment. Funny how in one way they seem so long ago and in another they feel as if they just happened. Time is a precious gift that goes way too quickly. It just keeps reminding me that I should enjoy my time and not work it away. My neighbor that lost his wife last year has been giving me a lot of items from his home. He's in his late eighties. He talks about how he feels his life winding down. I know as he gives me these items that he's preparing to leave life behind him. It's sad to think of. I take the items and always smile, but a little piece of my heart breaks each time as I think of how lonely he must feel. He has no one left here. He's all alone except for his cat and dog and his neighbors. Life is precious and this year has gone by so quickly. It's been a good year. Hopefully we'll be counting many more in the future.

Happy Fathers Day!

There are so many out there that I have spoken with whom no longer have their dads with them this holiday, but I say celebrate them anyway. If your dad isn't here celebrate the memories you have of him. If you are a dad celebrate the joy of your children in your life. And if you are lucky enough to still have your dad as I am, thank God for him and celebrate the life that he is sharing with you. So I know men don't usually get flowers given to them, but I took these pictures of my morning Glory's and I thought I would share them with you. Happy Fathers Day to all the dads and many more full of joys yet to come!

Crowded Out...

Picture at the Entrance of the African Journey... taken June 14, 2009

I hate crowds! The thing is I don't think I always hated crowds and I can't tell you why I do. I just know that for the last twenty years I can't stand being in a crowd. If I am going to meet friends for drinks or go to movies or parks I prefer a day when there are very few people there. I hate being elbow to elbow with people. So yes this means I'm not a big amusement park goer or festival goer. I do love them though so there in lies the conflict. I'm not sure what caused the phobia, although there are a few guesses I could take on things I would rather not open up about right now. I'm so bad on the crowd thing that I try to have my Christmas shopping done well before the season so that I don't have to be in crowded stores. I rarely go to stores on weekends either. I will, but I really don't like to. So Sunday my brother and his kids, my niece and nephew, went to the zoo. To my chagrin it was wall to wall people. I survived though. It was a people watching opportunity as Joe would say though. I just can't imagine though what goes through some peoples minds when they get dressed. If you are more than five pounds over weight you should not be wearing daisy dukes. Not to mention the chick who had on the wholesome looking top and a long ankle length white skirt. OK, should I mention that the chick in the white skirt didn't have a slip or any panties on under it and when the sun shined behind her there was no mystery left for the imagination. I guess none of this is a matter of need for discussion though. I loved the new African Journey. The people who constructed it did a wonderful job at creating an experience that is well worth the trip to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. I spend a little over four years of my life working in the old African Veldt several years ago and some day I will pull out some pictures for you all, but for now I advise you to go check it out. There are some very tranquil (even with all the people) settings and you get to actually pet the Giraffe's now. I would have to say I'm glad I went and I'm glad I wasn't crowded out.

What I Think About When I Walk.

My left ankle has finally healed I believe. I would have to say it's about time that I got over the pain from hurting it almost two months ago. Now though I have a new pain. One that is slowing me down some on my walks. I have sharp pain that shoots through my right shin and knee. It's sporadic and the knee feels swollen. I'm not one to let it stop me though. I am walking on. I have a goal in mind. I want to be healthier and I want to be able to live a normal life. So last week on my Sunday evening walk I encountered my first heckler. Not a supporter at all. A young guy of about twenty give or take a year either way shouted out: "Hey big mama shake that sweet ass, shake that thing." I was all ready not in a good mood so I flipped him the bird and told him to grow up. As I was walking today my actual fan club of supporters were out. It was hard for me to get motivated to walk today since my leg hurt and I didn't get enough sleep last night but I put on my shoes and my Walkman and watch and headed out. The first bend had the kindly older gentleman who shouted way to go you're doing great and keep it up. Then my neighbor lady smiled and waved and another gentleman asked how it is going for me and told me to keep walking. It was much needed support on a day when all I wanted to do was stay in bed. You see when you're heavy and a social pariah so to speak, you know people are going to look at you differently and there are those people who would have stopped walking the moment the heckler had tried to shame them or embarrass them. Not me. I won't be stopped. I'm going after what I want, but I wonder how people can be like him. It's nice though to know that the majority of people are being supportive and understanding that to start an exercise program and to change the way one eats is a form of rehabilitation. Food is an addiction of sorts. One that brings comfort to fill a void. It's the same for people who fill that void with drugs or alcohol. The trick is to realize the problem. The trick is to find other avenue's to fill that void and emptiness and not to let people tell you things that will make you do otherwise. I could get up every day and feel sorry for myself but I refuse to. I need to find the positive in the day. So on I walk. I am adding exercise bike time and weight training and Nintendo Wii activities to help me on my journey. I have the Jillian Michael's Wii training game. I did a thirty minute cardio work out last night and a fifteen minute one this morning and I am going to do as much as I can in a week. So all this went through my mind today as I walked. Along with the fact that I have some friends that seem kind of bummed lately. I wish I could pick up their mood for them, but I can't. Hopefully they just know they are loved and they are loved as whom they are. Each person needs to know that they are most important and at their best when they are their own person and understand they are loved for whom they are. I also saw and took this picture of the ambulance being towed away and wondered if it was headed back from dropping someone at the hospital or if it was headed to pick someone up and how unfortunate for an ambulance to get broke down along I69. I also thought about this field that has been for sale for over a decade now. It's right in front of the Indiana Department of Transportation. It is easily seen from I69; however, it is not so easily gotten to. There is one entry way in and one out. I am of a conflicted mind on whether I would ever want anything back there or not. I kind of like the peace and tranquility that comes with the empty land. So this is what I think about when I walk. This and so much more. Walks are very good for the mind and soul as well as the body. So what do you think about when you walk?

An Old Friend Returns...

Over the past few weeks I've had a lot of old comforts return to me. I mean I have been taking my walks around the work place and I get to see gorgeous scenery like the above picture. It kind of takes you a little away from it and for a while you forget that you're in Fort Wayne. Nothing has kept my mind from constantly lingering for the comforts of my favorite past time after I get off work. My dear old Dell Laptop computer. It got "hosed" up, probably by some Micro Soft software per my brother. Thank goodness he's good at this stuff and could figure it all out and help me get back to the running. Great life lesson though. As my friend Joe has stated on his blog before you really need to do back ups. Thankfully I was able to back up most of the stuff on my PC prior to turning it over to friends and family to work on. Vincent was wonderful enough to look at it and try to get it working as well. Unfortunately the only thing that worked was to take and wipe it clean and put it back to factory specifications. That is OK with me though as long as I have my buddy back. I love to come home after a long day at work and sit on the sofa and surf. Not something that is quiet as easy with my HP tower. All I can say is welcome home old friend. Welcome home and thanks guys for helping me get her back in my lap and ready for surfing.

A Lie By Any Other Name

Me, around 5 years old.

I don't like lies and I don't like to lie. As a matter of fact most often times I am way too honest with people for my own good. It is something that leaves a bad taste in their mouths most often because as I have often heard it said, there is nothing that can quiet hurt as bad as being faced with the truth. A lot of times in my own defense though the things I say I don't think about. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I have always just been a person who liked to tell it like it is. So if I've ever said something to hurt your feelings it probably wasn't intended that way. I am human though and I will tell you this, the person who says they have never under any circumstance lied, is probably lying to you. There is a difference in people though. Some people can lie and never feel an ounce of guilt about it. Some lie like there is no tomorrow. Some so much so that they don't really even remember what the truth is. Me? When I have to lie to someone, especially someone I love it hurts and it haunts me.

So what did I lie about that is haunting me today? And how can I be saying it on the Internet for everyone to see? Well, that is easy. I lied to my mom and unless one of you tell her she'll never know, unless things don't go well and I have to tell her. You see today I went over to see my mom like I do everyday before going to work. She was telling me about the neighbor lady across the street who is like sixty-three I believe she said. She had been talking to her last week and had noticed the lady had short hair, where as last year she had long hair. Mom had made some comment to her like "oh, You cut your hair." She said the woman just nodded and said nothing. Then late last week she had seen the woman and she had a cap on. Mom didn't think anything of it until yesterday when she spoke to the woman's husband. He told her how my neighbor was fighting and had been fighting breast cancer for the last year of her life. My mom stopped dead middle a sentence and looked at me and asked hey you just had a breast exam; how did it go? I looked away from her and then back and said "I'm fine mom. All is well." If she knew it might not be all she would do is worry herself sick and probably me to. In all honesty my thinking is that I am probably telling her the truth. I mean I've got the pictures and I have the doctors notes saying that it probably is. I meet with my doctor on the 28Th to decide if I want a surgeon to look at everything or if I want to wait until July or August and have another mammogram to see if anything has grown. So maybe it wasn't a lie. Maybe it was what my aunt would call a FIB or a little white lie. Sigh, no a lie is a lie and I feel badly about it. No matter how I sugar coat it up a lie by any other name would be the same.