Sometimes In Life; A Year In Reflection

It’s definitely hard to believe another year is soon going to come to a close. It seems like the older I get the faster they go. That is such a scary thought. The holidays can be a time of great joy, but then also with reflection a time of great sorrow. This year has been full of both. I jumped back into the dating world this last year and I can tell you that has been a big eye opening experience into the human psyche and in issues of the heart. I made lots of new friends and lost some. One such person was a man named Jeff who had a heart of gold. He came into my life a year ago. A big teddy bear of a man who seemed to think I walked on water, although I assured him constantly I didn’t. He and I were just friends, yet he would text me several times a day, say words to cheer me up and always bring a smile to my face no matter how bad my day was. I have a feeling he did that for many people because it was the way he was. He died on December 13Th this year and somehow I just haven’t been able to shake the sadness of such a loss. He will be missed. He is missed by me very much so. It’s been a year where my parents got older and really began to show their age I think. Not in looks, but in feelings. I worry about them. One such incident was when I was out at a Subway with my parents eating and my mothers disease had her shaking so badly she couldn’t eat her sandwich. I had to buy yogurt and feed it to her. For her that must be very hard to know she couldn’t do it for herself. She’s a strong person though and most days her disease doesn’t get the best of her, but towards the end of this year it seems it’s had her more days than not. She needs lots of rest or she shakes really badly. I’ve been with my parents so much of my life I don’t know what I will do when they are gone. In August I started dating a man who makes my heart skip a beat. He’s kind and on so many levels everything I could ever want. It’s a scary thing to know someone could have your heart so completely, because it also means they could break it completely as well. I guess we will see what happens there. Time will tell. Finances have been strained this year for me and there isn’t much in the way of spare cash and as a matter of fact I spend most of my time playing catch up. I guess 2011 will be a time when I have to play catch up and get it all right. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a couple of years this year. I was feeling the Christmas spirit, but it also made me lonely somewhat as I sat alone on Christmas night watching television. Life is a funny thing. Our hearts want often what we don’t have. A wonderful man in my life named Mark though reminded me that I need to be thankful for all that I have and I am very grateful for all of it. That includes you my readers and my friends and that includes my family and friends. It includes a place to sleep and food to eat and all the other things I am thankful I have and am not in want of. I can’t help but be a little sad though at the loss of all those that we miss for they left us behind to move on. My grandmother Jessie & Lula Ann. My Uncle Monroe, aunts and cousins who’ve left us behind. My uncle Roger who left us with grace and dignity and showed us not only how to live, but how to die and how to love. My friend Jeff who loved deeply and laughed with us often, but secretly wanted nothing more than someone of his own to come home to. So although people can see sadness as a bad thing, it’s merely a reflection of our recognition of people we miss and dreams yet unfulfilled that we can work to fill. So as the year wraps up and time marches on I wish each and everyone of you a joyful life full of love and laughter. May you relish each day and when the tears come may you find peace in the knowledge that you are never truly alone and there is always someone here that will listen if you should ever need to talk. May you find your way to all your dreams and may Love fill your hearts with peace. God bless you all and may you have the Happiest of New years!

What Does One Really Say…

It’s been a little over a decade since I met Mr. Wall. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how fast time flies by. I remember the first time I met him and his wife as if it were yesterday. I had just moved into the house I live in now and a major storm blew through Fort Wayne. His wife and he were out trying to clean up all the limbs and branches out of their yard. Our power was out and my dad and I were walking around the neighborhood canvassing the damage. His wife was quick to let us know that she was a go getter and that she should be in a wheel chair, but she wasn’t about to see that happen. She never did either, not even up to the day she died. She had issues with keeping on her feet, but her spirit to remain out of that wheel chair and independent rose to the top. Her illness also kept her indoors much of the time so I never really had the opportunity to get to know her. I remember talking to Mr. Wall a lot that spring and summer she was dying. He loved her more than anything. He loved her enough to let her go. That is true love if you ask me. He wanted her there but she was suffering and he was angry because the hospital kept bringing her back to life through machines. He wanted her at peace. In September of 2008 she succumbed to her illness and passed on. After she died I spoke to Mr. Wall of how she was in a better place. He said he hoped so but he wasn’t religious. He was a man of science and didn’t really believe, but his wife did. She had told him many times she had faith enough for both of them. He planted flowers in his yard, not because he cared, but because she had made him promise he would and he always did what she wanted. He told me that in life to make a happy marriage one has to make sacrifices, but that if you love someone they really aren’t sacrifices in the end at all. He said most people forgot that when you love you have to stop being selfish. He had many women who attempted to gain his interest that summer after his wife died. I always smiled as he talked of them. He said he didn’t’ want another woman. His wife had been the only woman he would ever want and another one would just be trouble and work. I spent a lot of time last summer talking to Mr. Wall as well. I always enjoyed my conversations with him. He had lots of stories to tell and not a one of them left you anything but wanting for more. After his wife died he had basically no one. I find that sad. No children left alive, no brothers and sisters, and no family to speak of. His wife had a couple of friends still living that checked on him. He had a couple of neighbors in our neighborhood that would look in on him from time to time. Our family would take him holiday meals, which he seemed to enjoy and look forward to, but other than that he was completely alone. One thing he had always had until this past year was antique cars. He worked on them and took them to the shows in Auburn. I think they were his pride and joy. He sold his off last year. As with that he started giving neighbors little pieces of his life. To me he gave me a complete silver set in a beautiful wooden box that had belonged to his wife. I shall always treasure it. I know it meant the world to his wife because he told me so and for him to have given it to me makes it so very special indeed. There was also one point last summer where he had found their camcorder and he wanted me to show him how to play the tape that was in it. The tape was a tape of his wife from a year previous to the last one. It showed her laughing and smiling at him as he took the video. I have no doubt he played it many times over the last year. It was plain to see that Mr. Wall was preparing for his departure from this world. Another thing was also plain as time went by this past year and that was Mr. Wall had found religion. He took out his FIOS TV, not because he hated Verizon, but because television had too man vulgarities on it. He said there were too many things that were not pleasing to God. He chose not to watch it. Again, he was preparing to leave this world and he was making his peace before he left. A few weeks ago he told my mother he’d been having chest pain. He said he just wasn’t doing well at all. He had told us on several occasions that he didn’t’ believe in doctors and he didn’t go to them. That is right the man never went to see a doctor in his entire life. He lived a healthy life and I can still see him in my mind those first six or so years I lived there coming out of his house. This little old man in his 70’s coming out in jeans and a leather jacket and getting on his Harley and riding off. Yes he lived life. I believe he loved life, up to the day his wife died. That is when the light went out of his eyes. I know he was elderly, but I think without her here with him, he saw no reason to be here. There is a song that reminds me of this…It’s a song I love. “The Smile Has Left Your Eyes” by Asia - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLqz_wl0dak --- I know the song is of another kind of loss of relationship, but somehow just the refrain says it all. The smile had left Mr. Wall’s eyes the day his wife died. So this morning I looked for that familiar light in his living room to tell me he was up to start his day, as he had been every day since I could remember. There was no light. There were no lights on last night either. My mother tried to call him about 9:30AM and called me to say she had no luck, so I called the desk sergeant at the police department and spoke with Jodie. She said they would have someone go out and check on him. My mind was screaming at me for what they would find. It also made it extremely hard to concentrate on work as a swell of tears for a man who meant so much is such little, but important ways to my life. So here is where you think the story has that sad ending don’t you… well no. The police called me as they left Mr. Wall’s house. The lady officer was laughing and talking about what a great guy Mr. Wall is. He really is a character and a little feisty the woman said. They had the paramedics check Mr. Wall out and found that he has two broken ribs and is having heart issues. They tried their best to get him to let them take him to the hospital, but he wouldn’t go. He told them the same thing he’s always told us, that he’s never been to a doctor and he doesn’t plan to start going now. The lady said she would set him up with hot meal delivery and check into getting free aid to work on his house and his yard. She also said she would set up for hospice to start dropping by and checking on him. She asked if I thought he’d let them in, that he’d agreed to it, but she wasn’t sure. I told her if it was someone willing to listen to his stories he’d open the door with a smile. She did say his life is winding down and it probably won’t be that long, but for today he is full of life and feisty and she thanked me for caring enough to call them and for the opportunity to meet him. You see that truly is the kind of man he is. So for today he still lives and I still have opportunity to speak with him again. It’s a life I admire and one long lived and lived well. So today he’s still here, but I’m still sad at the thought that he won’t be here much longer. Death is a part of our lives. It’s something I will never get use to, even though I understand it finds us all. So of a man like Mr. Wall, what does one really say?

Technology or Life?

Technology or life? Sounds like a simple enough question doesn't it? Every day people are making this choice though. Do we spend our hours in front of a computer, a television or a video game or do we actually get out and enjoy everyday life? All through the winter I have read approximately three books a week. I love reading and have sort of lost touch with the old boob tube so to speak. Between work and the health club and reading I have a full schedule, even though I do find time to see my friends as well. With summer coming on I will definitely cut way back on the book reading. I love the outdoors! I have gotten to take walks outside all week under a blue and sunny sky. What perplexes me is that people choose to hide away behind closed doors in such wonderful weather. Even if there is chilling to the bone wind though I still don't find it healthy to sit at home and never get out among the living. As human beings to thrive we need socialization and interaction with others even if it's walking alone and watching the world exist, we need that insight. I never feel more alive than on a pretty day when I've got my IPOD on (yes I know it's loud and it may harm my hearing) and I'm walking and thinking and feeling. In the winter months before I joined the health club I felt blah and almost depressed because I was stuck inside with little means of exercise. I must admit that joining the health club did help that some though and I have friends that swear by the "fake" sun to help brighten ones life too. I have never been to a tanning salon in my life, but must admit to thinking about it. Who has time in our busy schedules to lay out in the sun? Of course there are health concerns with the "Fake-n-bake", but then what isn't there a warning label on these days. I'm pretty sure we aren't suppose to breath because it could damage our lungs. I am extremely happy at the thought of walking again though and hope it will help me peel off the rest of this weight I have to loose. I know technology has it's place, but I do feel it has hindered our health somewhat. I mean now we sit in offices and barely move from our desk or heck even at our desk. Back before all this technology we actually had to get up and walk across the room if we wanted to retrieve a file or ask someone a question. I miss those days to tell you the truth. As a matter of fact, even though I'll admit to being addicted to my cell phone somewhat I miss the days when technology couldn't find us if we went camping in the woods. I have laid aside my cell and not bothered with it when spending quality time with friends and such though. I think a little technology goes a long way on so many levels. I say we all get back to living life and loving nature. Nothing wrong with technology if you remember you rule it and it doesn't rule you. So which one are you choosing technology or life?

Mother/Daughter Christmas Snow No More

This past Sunday, November 22ND, my mother and I did our annual mother/daughter Christmas shopping trip. Normally I wait until the first or second weekend of December, but this year my schedule wasn't going to allow for that at work for a weekend trip. I suppose we could have done a week day one. Normally on our trip out, every year for as long as I can remember, we have had to fight bitter cold and lots and lots of snow and ice. This year we had beautiful sky's and fifty-four degrees. Who could have asked for a better or more perfect day. These trips are something I cherish. Who knows how many more years my parents will be with me, so I try to make the most of it. We started our day out by meeting my mothers sister, Arlene, for lunch at Azars. It was somewhere my mother hadn't been in a long time. My dad is pretty much a routine person and he's not much for restaurants unless there is a buffet involved. I personally don't understand the need for the buffet, but I suppose to each their own. So mom and I met my aunt and had a leisurely lunch. Azars was packed to my surprise. Apparently their Sunday breakfast buffet gets quiet a good business. During lunch my mother was quiet for her. You see my mother has Parkinson's. She's getting worse fairly quickly I think, but I don't ever dare say that to her. She needs to keep a positive attitude so I try not to play it up. There are things she can't do though for herself that embarrass her somewhat though in public these days. I had to cut her sandwich into four pieces for her. I know from the way she acted that it did bother her somewhat having to ask and having to have it done. Her hand shakes really badly and she can't hold the knife to cut it herself. She's my mother and it's extremely hard to watch her growing so frail. She's always been a very proud and strong woman. She's someone I could only hope to be a little like, for there is no way I could ever be her. I know my friends get tired of me saying it, but my mother is the best you could ever ask for. She's spiritual and loving and kind. Anyway, after lunch my mom had her list of items that my dad had given her that he might like for Christmas. Now with my mom you can buy her anything and she's happy. With my dad if you want him to like it, you should probably pretty much stick to his list. I know, kind of takes the fun out of it, but it is what it is. So we did our run to Kmart. Now I love the Kmart on East Coliseum. I mean it's one of the few stores that still a good old fashioned and simple store. I can run in and find what I want without having to walk a marathon while I'm at it and pass by a thousand things I really don't need in the process. So we went to Kmart and then we went to Walmart. After this my mother was pretty much tired. It wasn't as many stores as we normally would hit, but again her disease wears her out easily. I took her home and helped her with her purchases into the house. We had spent about four hours out and about. Needless to say I was tired too. Sunday wasn't done for me though, it was a family day all around. My dad took my evening walk with me. He slowed me down some. I am so use to walking fairly fast now, but it didn't matter. It was nice to walk and talk with him as he discussed his day with my brother and their trip to our church in Saint Mary's Ohio. All in all the mothers day out went well and the weather cooperated nicely, leading me to believe maybe the curse of snow on our day out might be done and finally come to an end. Memories and times together with my parents is something I will always cherish and for the most part my Sunday was spent with them and doing for them. I did manage a nap and I did go to see "New Moon" by myself which was relaxing, but for the most part it was family filled and I wouldn't change a thing.

The Hardest Choices

The hardest choices are by far those of the heart. Sometimes life's choices aren't what we want, but rather what we know is right. Making the right choice can be a difficult thing, especially when making it separates you from someone who thinks you walk on water. Someone who completes you in every way. That in itself is so rare and so heart breaking on so many levels to find and then have to tell the person friendship is all there will ever be. There is an old Reba song that is so strongly burning in my mind today. The song: "One Promise Too Late" resonates so deeply in my heart that it aches. No, I'm not the one who made the promise, but I stand behind the fact that if one makes that promise if at all possible they should keep it. I also know I would never be able to live with myself, even if there is all ready marital discord, if I put myself in a position to keep a husband from his wife. So choices we make have an affect on so many things and people other than ourselves. Funny how I think that one of the reason's so many marriages fail today is that people jump into their relationships and sex and marriage way to quickly. They are looking for the dream without realizing that they are letting it slip through their hands. The person you spend your life with, as I stated earlier, should complete you. You should want to be their everything and them yours. I think there is more than one person out there for each of us that can do that. I've been lucky in one way to feel that way twice now in my life. Unfortunately I don't think either of them is the person I should be with at this point. I do hope my knight in shining armor is out there though. The person who will be with me and that will see past my flaws. The person that is so comfortable with me that they can tell me anything and know that I love them so much that it won't matter to me what they say. Seems to me lately I have had so many life choices to make. I'm happy though. Don't let this little rambling of my emotions catch you off guard or make you think otherwise. I know as I write this that person will read it too, which, makes it a little hard to write. Friendship is a good thing. Friendship sometimes can be more fulfilling than a relationship. I care deeply for this person and I want them to be happy. I want them to fulfill their dreams and from what I have heard from them they can accomplish that where they are. It's their decision and their life though. We all chose our path every day. We can chose to be happy. We can chose to be upset by the what might have been scenario. I chose to be happy. What do you chose for yourself today?

Houston We Have Bees.. Yet Again.

My house seems to be the place that bee's live for. Last year it was yellow jackets. This year I have carpenter bees. It appears that these bees love unpainted or unfinished wood and that they love to drill tiny holes and burrow in so that they can lay their eggs in tiny caverns and then seal the eggs in with food so that the bees can mature in their sealed cocoon in the wall. Unlike other bees there is no queen bee and no male bees around. The single female bee will tend to her colony of baby bees until they are grown all on her own. These bees appear to be relatively quiet during the day. I hear some stirings in my ceiling in my bathroom, but not much. At night though it's like a loud purring of multiple cats up there. I'm not really sure what that is all about. From everything I have read these bees are relatively harmless; however, I don't see how I can let them live in my bathroom ceiling. I know there is going to be a down side to it somewhere and I really don't relish the idea of finding out what it is at a most inopportune moment. On the other hand I despise the thought of killing any living thing. I usually catch bees or spiders or what have you and put them outside. I even went so far one time as to take a mouse I had caught to the park in a Tupperware container and set it free. I have a live and let live policy in life. I don't step on ants, I don't kill flies. I am guilty of killing fleas and mosquito's, but i would rather not. So I don't relish the idea of killing these poor bees and I have no idea on how to go about doing it either. Either way. I knew when I heard that purring sound a month ago that something was up. Bees be back once again.