So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they?
Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my h
eart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is.
So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they? 
Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my h
eart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is. 
3 comments:
you never send me too many emails or anything. i hope we are still good friends. i have alot in my pot right now. i am getting my paper trail together for the dav (disable american veterns) about what happened in desert storm. its hard for me to talk about but i have started. i have anxiety and depression. aches and pains. gastric issues. female issues. memory issues. hair loss issues. it scares me to even think about it so i normally live my life like nothing is wrong. but, it is. never the less i have that letter from 2005 that the department of defense (dod) sent to me saying opps our bad. didnt mean to gas you with agents that could give you brain cancer and some other gory stuff. i have to do this sheila. i have to see the doc and get the paper trail going. if i do get the 50 to 100 percent disablity it can do good things for my life and my daughters. give her a free college education. its just going to take time to get it rolling. sigh.
indy is me ida sorry........got sidetracked in my thoughts.
Yes ida, you and I are very dear friends as are Chris and I, but I know with kids your lives are very hectic and I do hear from you and I am comfortable in our relationship.
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