Like A Hooker On Ice...

There are a ton of cliche's out there that would fit my life right now.  I'm not sure if that would be considered a good thing or a bad thing.  It is basically what it is though and there isn't much I can do to change it.  Life definately changes on a dime without much notice or warning.  I know in the past few months a friend and an old classmate both have passed away, as well as the dad of a friend of mine.  Those are major life altering changes in lives.  True they touch my life but not like they do the loved one who are left behind.  In those months I've also gone from being committed to someone to being completely single again as well as have a few other friends of mine.  Life is a slippery slope they say and they would be right.  It feels like sometimes you just can't get ahead.  I know there are a ton of things I need to get done, but with work and working out and trying to get in shape it just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day to do all I need to do.  I've also met a wide vareity of people lately.  Some good, some not so much.  I'm always fascinated by the human mind.  I'm always trying to figure people out.  I see so many of the people in my life making what I would consider mistakes, but it really isn't my place to tell them.  If they were gonna get hurt to the point of losing their life then maybe, but the kind of hurt they are going to go through for the most part is heart ache.  If I did try to warn them they wouldn't listen.  It's just the way it is.  The school of hard knocks is the one most of us attend on a regular basis.  It's not that we want to hurt, but most of us are willing to take that chance for what little happiness we can find.  I'm hoping this summer will be one filled with much happiness for myself and for those in my world.  I know lately it doesn't seem any of them can catch a break, but I believe they and I will.  I have to believe that happiness is out there just waiting to grab me by the shoulders and shake me.  So other than my life and my friends life can we address some other things?  Like the economy and the political genius that we've elected to run it?  Oh wait, probably shouldn't.  Not that I wouldn't but I'm not sure what to make of it all to tell you the honest truth.  Then there is this crazy weather we've been having.  Is summer ever going to get here this year?  I suppose I'll have to find a little fake sun to make myself feel better.  Fake is better than none?  I don't think that is a cliche is it?  Well, I just wanted to check in and I'll try to write something a little more profound soon, but right now to tell you the truth my life is a little like a hooker on ice, can't stand up but the job's lying on the back anyway so why worry. 

A Resolution of Lies.

This is the time of New Years resolutions that people make to hopefully improve their lives. Most of them enter into them with the best of intentions but will never even come close to carrying them through. This really isn’t because the person doesn’t want to or even is incapable of it; it’s normally because the expectation and the realization rarely coincide. Life if you think of it is exactly the same way. Human nature has us setting our expectations so high that when they don’t pan out the way we wanted we are left feeling bereaved and down. I try to keep my expectations of things in life simple. It doesn’t mean I don’t get let down or hurt I do and often, but it’s easier for me to bounce back because I understand we don’t live in a movie where things just happen to work the way we want and a pretty happy ending is sure to be. What do I look for in friends, family and lovers? I look for honesty. I would rather be hurt by the truth than crushed by a lie. I can work through almost anything with any of the aforementioned too as my friends will attest as long as they are forth right and willing to be straight with me. The problem is I think honesty is one of the hardest things for people to hand out. I’ve known people who lied about the stupidest stuff just because they thought it sounded better than the truth. Did it hurt anything? Yes. It hurt their own realization of life. Why do I say that? Because they are handing out the lie and living with the realization that what they have told wasn’t the truth and at some point they will probably come to regret it either because they wish the person knew the truth or because it comes out or because they have to face it. What is so comical to me is that usually if the person had told the truth things would have worked out for them, but when the lie is found they usually fall completely apart and sometimes so much so that they can’t be repaired. Again this is human nature though. I would be lying if I said I never lied about anything. I have to spare feelings and such, but I really don’t like to. I try to practice the rule of saying nothing before lying. It’s just easier in the long run. So what New Years resolutions might I have made this year? I want to lose the remainder of the weight I need to get off. I think that is a goal I will accomplish. I want to take better mental care of me. What do I mean by this? I often feel like people give or pay little attention to how things they say or do affect me or how they may or may not hurt me so I get bruised feelings. I’m going to simply start living with the principle of telling them or letting it go. It’s just got to be the way it is. So I think my second goal is quiet attainable to. I also want to work on being more financially stable. That one I don’t know. Time will tell I suppose. So in life I would advice you to look realistically at all aspects. People are human and they are not going to be perfect. They are going to lie about stupid stuff guaranteed. They are going to let us down and hurt us both knowingly and unknowingly. They are also going to make us laugh and bring us lots of love. As I’ve recently said to many in your relationships you have to way the pros and the cons and what you are willing to accept and what you’re not willing to accept. The biggest thing we each and everyone need to remember is that we have all done and all do these things to other people too. So before you tell a friend or a lover a lie next time think it through. Decide if silence or the truth is the better option because I can tell you for certain the lie never is the best way, not even in sparing feelings and I know I’m guilty of it too. Lies come back to taint and hurt that which is most precious to each and every one of us. So Happy New Year and may you make your resolutions and may happiness find itself at your door.

Sometimes In Life; A Year In Reflection

It’s definitely hard to believe another year is soon going to come to a close. It seems like the older I get the faster they go. That is such a scary thought. The holidays can be a time of great joy, but then also with reflection a time of great sorrow. This year has been full of both. I jumped back into the dating world this last year and I can tell you that has been a big eye opening experience into the human psyche and in issues of the heart. I made lots of new friends and lost some. One such person was a man named Jeff who had a heart of gold. He came into my life a year ago. A big teddy bear of a man who seemed to think I walked on water, although I assured him constantly I didn’t. He and I were just friends, yet he would text me several times a day, say words to cheer me up and always bring a smile to my face no matter how bad my day was. I have a feeling he did that for many people because it was the way he was. He died on December 13Th this year and somehow I just haven’t been able to shake the sadness of such a loss. He will be missed. He is missed by me very much so. It’s been a year where my parents got older and really began to show their age I think. Not in looks, but in feelings. I worry about them. One such incident was when I was out at a Subway with my parents eating and my mothers disease had her shaking so badly she couldn’t eat her sandwich. I had to buy yogurt and feed it to her. For her that must be very hard to know she couldn’t do it for herself. She’s a strong person though and most days her disease doesn’t get the best of her, but towards the end of this year it seems it’s had her more days than not. She needs lots of rest or she shakes really badly. I’ve been with my parents so much of my life I don’t know what I will do when they are gone. In August I started dating a man who makes my heart skip a beat. He’s kind and on so many levels everything I could ever want. It’s a scary thing to know someone could have your heart so completely, because it also means they could break it completely as well. I guess we will see what happens there. Time will tell. Finances have been strained this year for me and there isn’t much in the way of spare cash and as a matter of fact I spend most of my time playing catch up. I guess 2011 will be a time when I have to play catch up and get it all right. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a couple of years this year. I was feeling the Christmas spirit, but it also made me lonely somewhat as I sat alone on Christmas night watching television. Life is a funny thing. Our hearts want often what we don’t have. A wonderful man in my life named Mark though reminded me that I need to be thankful for all that I have and I am very grateful for all of it. That includes you my readers and my friends and that includes my family and friends. It includes a place to sleep and food to eat and all the other things I am thankful I have and am not in want of. I can’t help but be a little sad though at the loss of all those that we miss for they left us behind to move on. My grandmother Jessie & Lula Ann. My Uncle Monroe, aunts and cousins who’ve left us behind. My uncle Roger who left us with grace and dignity and showed us not only how to live, but how to die and how to love. My friend Jeff who loved deeply and laughed with us often, but secretly wanted nothing more than someone of his own to come home to. So although people can see sadness as a bad thing, it’s merely a reflection of our recognition of people we miss and dreams yet unfulfilled that we can work to fill. So as the year wraps up and time marches on I wish each and everyone of you a joyful life full of love and laughter. May you relish each day and when the tears come may you find peace in the knowledge that you are never truly alone and there is always someone here that will listen if you should ever need to talk. May you find your way to all your dreams and may Love fill your hearts with peace. God bless you all and may you have the Happiest of New years!

Laugh, Love & Live

It may not always be easy, but try to laugh. Life really is too short to walk around with ones head hung low. It may not always be easy, but find a way to push the disappointments to the side. We all have them. We all have days when our pockets are empty on funds, our world feels as if it’s falling apart and it appears not a soul on the planet cares whether we live or die, but there is always someone who cares. It always amazes me when I find out people have talked about me whether good or bad, because I’ve always walked through life assuming no one gave a damn enough about me to say a single thing. I’m always amazed and awed. I’m flawed, I’m human and I hurt just like anyone else, but for the most part I try to see the good. Recently I had one friend bad mouthing another one of my friends. The problem I had with this wasn’t that the person had issues with the other, it was that the one they were putting down had done so much for them and was still attempting to on many levels and it bothered me that they would run them down into the ground to me, especially knowing I was friends with them. I didn’t feel it appropriate and it bothered me a lot. Not surprisingly this person has run me down to other people who have told me about it as well. I just have to shake my head. I could let it get me down because I do care about him, but I’m not going to waste my energy at this point. Then this past week was filled with a multitude of emotional questions. There is a guy I think I like a lot, but I’m not sure if it will go anywhere. That is so nerve racking. It’s not that he doesn’t like me, I know he does, it’s just I guess I don’t trust anything until it happens and I want someone to want to be with me regardless of things… more obstacles. I hate obstacles and how they leave me feeling, but again I refuse to be down. I am not saying I don’t take days where I cry my eyes out and feel like giving up because I do. I think everyone has those days, but I have learned that you have to push yourself past that, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I’ve come too far down a road to health and happiness to let little stumbling blocks like financial woes, not knowing about someone whether it work out and friends who can’t prove they are worthy get me down. Life is golden and should be cherished. So find a reason to smile and laugh every day. You can choose to let life drag you down or you can beat it back, say yeah I know you won, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to care. Laugh, love and live life to the fullest. It’s really all we have.

The Pride and Problems of Being Human

I think all of us have been seated upon a pedestal that someone has placed us on at one time or another. It’s really not a very comfortable position to be in no matter how much one might think it is. The person on the pedestal knows that sooner or later they’ll either be knocked or fall off and then in the eyes of the person that held them there they will somehow be a little less. I had this happen to me recently. I was held in high esteem by someone and had a moment of human weakness. Now that person treats me so differently it’s not even funny, which in some ways knocked them off the pedestal I had placed them on. It is a form of irony, so what can one really say? Sometimes when I know someone is holding me too high up I almost want to run before it ever even becomes a friendship. I don’t run though because I have found in life that you should always take a chance and live and have fun when you can. It can lead to heart ache, but then how much fun is it sitting at home alone on the sofa watching life just passes by you? I do have a little bit of a mean streak in me though. I mean, I know I am a fun person to be around according to most and I have a good time when I am with people, but I can be a little re-active. Yeah that is a good word for it. Example: I met this guy last weekend. He asked for my number, I didn’t sleep with him so I figured fifty-fifty on whether I’d ever hear from him. So he text me and asked me if I wanted to do something Sunday. Not one text but multiple text right up until 6pm to set this all up. Never sent the final text never came. Then the next morning I get an, oh, sorry I was drinking and lost track of time. Then this guy had the nerve to send me another text asking me if I wanted to go out on Monday night and tell me he was eating breakfast with his dad. Was he serious? So yesterday out of the blue I text him a message going wow you know you really need to learn how to follow through message for fun. I think he’d deleted my number and he seemed to have no clue who I was or what I was talking about. He sent me a “What” text message. I simply replied: You’re a big boy and you can figure it out and never responded to the other three text messages he sent trying to figure it out. A little on the mean side, it probably was. What can I say, but that I found it to be a little slice of fun for me? I suppose I really shouldn’t have but then what can I say. I guess I just feel I deserve better than that treatment. I know I feel like I deserve love, which is something life seems to have kept far away from me for far too long. I do believe for the most part though in allowing my friends, family and even ex boyfriends to find happiness and have a good life. I would never interfere in their attempts at doing so. This brings me to another issue. For the record for anyone out there that wants to know I do have self esteem and a little bit of pride, so even if I am interested in you I am not begging, crawling or attempting to sabotage you in any form or fashion to have you. If and when we get together it will be mutuall. I am not one of those soap opera plotters. As a matter of fact, to my dismay I am one of the most honest women I know when it comes to talking to the men in her life. You don’t know how many of my friends have told me I shouldn’t be so honest and I should play hard to get because it’s a game for a guy and they need the game. I guess I’ll stay single then because I don’t play games that the two of us haven’t agreed to ahead of time. I can keep a man smiling though. LOL… Some of you will never know what I mean by that. There are problems with pride in our humanity. It can get in our way and keep us from pulling close to those things that we most desire. This is one article I could probably keep going for an eternity because it is something I believe in. I believe in our humanity to make us unique and interesting. I believe in our pride to keep us humble. I guess you could say I just simply believe in the pride and problems of being human.

Judge Not...

I am the queen of over thinking things. Lately my hormones (due to medications) have been a raging mess. I cry at the drop of a hat. Commercials make me cry. Now if you know anything about me you know I am not the type to cry easy so this is really screwing with my head. Then with the fact that my mind is constantly going you know I’m bound to make mistakes. Oh, well. I have always tried not to judge other people and let them live their lives. I let them make their mistakes without my imputing my two cents to make them feel worse when it falls apart, but I am human and as a human we judge things all the time. We judge people by how they walk, how they speak, how they dress and even who they date or hang out with. We make pre-conceived opinions based on stereo types that society has set in place. We judge foods, and jobs as well as books and movies and music. The bible tells us not to judge unless we want to be judged, well I have found the last few times I’ve been judgmental about anything it has come back to bite me in the ass. My biggest problem I have with judging people is I have a tendency to expect people to react like people from my past. I know everyone has been hurt, but I carry scars that appear to cause me to keep making the same mistakes. I expect people to let me down eventually. I look for it. I wait for it. It shocks me when they don’t or when I assume they have and I find out they haven’t. It’s a learning experience I suppose. Hopefully it’s one that doesn’t keep happening and doesn’t cost me happiness. Recently someone asked me what I want out of life and out of a relationship with a man. It’s easy really. Out of life I want enough money to pay my bills, a place to rest my head and for my body to be in shape and healthy. Out of a relationship I want my best friend. I want someone who is willing to share everything with me whether it’s their heartbreak and tears or their laughter and smiles. I want someone who even when they aren’t in the mood will still give me a reassuring hug or touch. I want someone I can depend on and someone who depends on me. I want honesty. I think honesty is the key to everything and yet sometimes I forget to open my mouth and offer it. I want someone I don’t have fear with. I want someone I can be proud of and someone who is proud of me. I want someone I could see being a good dad and a good lover. I want someone who can give me guidance and advice and can do it lovingly. I guess you could say I want it all. Hey don’t judge me. Doesn’t everyone want it all? So I’ll keep trying to judge not I suppose. What about you?

The Age Old Question...

When did we as a society stop respecting age? I mean I know that no one wants to grow older, but I am proud of my age. Hell I’m proud that after all the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life and illness I’ve had in my life that I’ve lived as long as I have. With age comes wisdom, uh, most of the time anyway. Now I admit to having some vanity. I mean I do cover the gray hair, although it’s more I don’t like the way it looks than the fact that I care about it being a sign of age. I would rather not have any wrinkles. I would rather the girls were perky. I would rather not have the aches and pains that come with time, but I am proud of my age. I also think I don’t look my age, which is a good thing. I have a hard time understanding when people are upset by their age to the point that they lie about it or try to hide it. I suppose society has driven them to it, especially if they are women. I mean it’s perfectly ok for a man to age, he is called distinguished. A woman is just called old. A man with a much younger woman is considered OK and lucky. A woman with a much younger man is considered a cougar. A woman can have children into her early fifties usually, while a man can have them up to the day he dies. Somehow all these things just are not right. Statistically a woman will outlive her mate if the same age by about ten years. I find that fascinating on so many levels. A person’s age and dating is its own beast of burden. Do you want someone older or younger or would you prefer them to be your age. Some people think it makes a big difference, I really don’t. My grand parents on my mom’s side were sixteen years apart as well as I have an aunt and uncle about the same and several cousins who have married someone well their senior. They all seem to be happy. I think when you’re looking for a mate that it should be about compatibility. You need to find someone who you can enjoy time with, someone who likes things you like. As I told someone yesterday though if you are not in love with a person I don’t think you should ever marry them. True love, does it exist? Yeah I think it does. Even if we are not talking relationships though and are just talking age in general I find it sad that the American people have forgotten to wonder and marvel at their elders. I miss the days of sitting on a porch and listening to the old timers telling stories. I miss my neighbor Mr. Wall with all his adventures. People for the most part anymore want to just put the elderly in a retirement home and forget them. At least it appears that way to me. A few years back I did some volunteer work and sat with some elderly to keep them company at a nursing facility and I found it sad that some of the people there the nurses said their families never visit. A lot of cultures out there do respect their elders and take care of them in their own homes. For whatever reason though here in the good old United States of America we have forgotten that they were once young, they were once us, and they deserve to be respected for all they have given. Heck even the government is letting them down with the faltering Medicare and Social security benefits that are way past needing an over haul. I find beauty in seeing an older couple walking and holding hands. I for one don’t find age repulsive and I know personally when you get to know someone the beauty on the inside can make them very attractive regardless (notice I did not type irregardless as it is not a word per a very good friend of mine.) of the packaging on the outside. Vanity reigns high in most people’s lives though. I find nothing wrong with trying to look your best and be your best, but age should not be something we cower from. Every day we live is another day of wisdom and in my book another day of respect we should have earned. I aspire to be Crabby Roads by the way… So how do you feel about the age old question?

It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost… Really It Is.

Some people might argue the point that love can be painful. I suppose they would be correct. Even if it isn’t love sometimes it can tug at your heart. The plain and simple truth to me though is that it is better to take the chance and live in the moment of happiness. Some people never enjoy the happiness they have in the moment because they are too worried about what may or may not happen tomorrow. I’m not saying I don’t ever worry, I do. I’m just saying that you have to grab on to whatever bits and pieces of happiness you can find in life. I guard my heart very closely due to past experience, but as of late I have tried not to guard it so closely that I can’t feel in the moment. Most days I am happy and run about my life content and looking forward to each and every day. Days like today though find me a little blue and melancholy. They find me pondering if I should put the walls back up around my heart or continue to feel. I opt to feel. Life really is too short to miss every opportunity and I know way too many people who spend their time alone because they are afraid to take a chance and to grab on to what is offered. My neighbor, Don Wall, passed away on Saturday, May 15, 2010. In a previous article I spoke of him. I admired the man. He was 86 years old. He had married a girl out of high school, one he cared for and one he came to love with all his heart. He told me once that to make a relationship work and to make it turn to love you have to be willing to over look the small stuff and work on understanding the bigger issues and working through them. I can work on almost anything, but I have trouble when someone lies to me, even if it’s to protect my feelings. I suppose that is because I have been let down so many times and lied to over some pretty serious stuff. I want honesty. I give honesty to a relationship. If I am dating you I will tell you the truth or say nothing at all. I do not lie to the person I date because I do not expect them to lie to me, not even to spare my feelings. Where am I in my life? I am getting ready to turn 43. I have maybe 6 to 7 years to have a baby if I want one, which part of me does, but not without a partner. I’m not one of those women who want to raise a child on my own. I’m working on getting in shape. I hope to have that completed in the next 6 to 9 months. I want a partner and a friend. I think marriage has a better chance of succeeding if you are great friends, good lovers and love grows. I don’t know though. Maybe I have it all wrong. We’ll see where life takes me over the next couple of years. I do know even if I get hurt though I will keep allowing my heart to reach out to others. Life is better with love in it. There are so many different levels of love and there is a lot to be had and to give. I know people, divorced, who fear letting anyone else in. I can understand this, especially if they have been burned, but life wasn’t meant to be spent alone and no matter how close we may be to brothers, sisters, parents, friends, the freedom and bond you share and the comfort you have with a lover is something that can’t be compared. I think it would be sad to go all ones life without one and trust me I did so for 17 years. I let a lot of hurt and fear creep in. I was afraid to let myself feel. I still am to some degree. I like to think I am growing though and learning and becoming more secure in who I am and what I want. I like me I believe for the first time in my life. I like who I am becoming and that is partly in thanks to someone I have been seeing and it’s largely due to my desire to better myself and actually experience my life instead of hide it away. Yes, if you open yourself up to love you may be hurt. It happens. With my ex, David, I got hurt. There was a lot of bad, but even now I wouldn’t trade the good memories I had with him for anything. They are memories. They are a part of me. I love the song, “The Dance”, by Garth Brooks. It pretty much says it all doesn’t it?

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

What Does One Really Say…

It’s been a little over a decade since I met Mr. Wall. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how fast time flies by. I remember the first time I met him and his wife as if it were yesterday. I had just moved into the house I live in now and a major storm blew through Fort Wayne. His wife and he were out trying to clean up all the limbs and branches out of their yard. Our power was out and my dad and I were walking around the neighborhood canvassing the damage. His wife was quick to let us know that she was a go getter and that she should be in a wheel chair, but she wasn’t about to see that happen. She never did either, not even up to the day she died. She had issues with keeping on her feet, but her spirit to remain out of that wheel chair and independent rose to the top. Her illness also kept her indoors much of the time so I never really had the opportunity to get to know her. I remember talking to Mr. Wall a lot that spring and summer she was dying. He loved her more than anything. He loved her enough to let her go. That is true love if you ask me. He wanted her there but she was suffering and he was angry because the hospital kept bringing her back to life through machines. He wanted her at peace. In September of 2008 she succumbed to her illness and passed on. After she died I spoke to Mr. Wall of how she was in a better place. He said he hoped so but he wasn’t religious. He was a man of science and didn’t really believe, but his wife did. She had told him many times she had faith enough for both of them. He planted flowers in his yard, not because he cared, but because she had made him promise he would and he always did what she wanted. He told me that in life to make a happy marriage one has to make sacrifices, but that if you love someone they really aren’t sacrifices in the end at all. He said most people forgot that when you love you have to stop being selfish. He had many women who attempted to gain his interest that summer after his wife died. I always smiled as he talked of them. He said he didn’t’ want another woman. His wife had been the only woman he would ever want and another one would just be trouble and work. I spent a lot of time last summer talking to Mr. Wall as well. I always enjoyed my conversations with him. He had lots of stories to tell and not a one of them left you anything but wanting for more. After his wife died he had basically no one. I find that sad. No children left alive, no brothers and sisters, and no family to speak of. His wife had a couple of friends still living that checked on him. He had a couple of neighbors in our neighborhood that would look in on him from time to time. Our family would take him holiday meals, which he seemed to enjoy and look forward to, but other than that he was completely alone. One thing he had always had until this past year was antique cars. He worked on them and took them to the shows in Auburn. I think they were his pride and joy. He sold his off last year. As with that he started giving neighbors little pieces of his life. To me he gave me a complete silver set in a beautiful wooden box that had belonged to his wife. I shall always treasure it. I know it meant the world to his wife because he told me so and for him to have given it to me makes it so very special indeed. There was also one point last summer where he had found their camcorder and he wanted me to show him how to play the tape that was in it. The tape was a tape of his wife from a year previous to the last one. It showed her laughing and smiling at him as he took the video. I have no doubt he played it many times over the last year. It was plain to see that Mr. Wall was preparing for his departure from this world. Another thing was also plain as time went by this past year and that was Mr. Wall had found religion. He took out his FIOS TV, not because he hated Verizon, but because television had too man vulgarities on it. He said there were too many things that were not pleasing to God. He chose not to watch it. Again, he was preparing to leave this world and he was making his peace before he left. A few weeks ago he told my mother he’d been having chest pain. He said he just wasn’t doing well at all. He had told us on several occasions that he didn’t’ believe in doctors and he didn’t go to them. That is right the man never went to see a doctor in his entire life. He lived a healthy life and I can still see him in my mind those first six or so years I lived there coming out of his house. This little old man in his 70’s coming out in jeans and a leather jacket and getting on his Harley and riding off. Yes he lived life. I believe he loved life, up to the day his wife died. That is when the light went out of his eyes. I know he was elderly, but I think without her here with him, he saw no reason to be here. There is a song that reminds me of this…It’s a song I love. “The Smile Has Left Your Eyes” by Asia - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLqz_wl0dak --- I know the song is of another kind of loss of relationship, but somehow just the refrain says it all. The smile had left Mr. Wall’s eyes the day his wife died. So this morning I looked for that familiar light in his living room to tell me he was up to start his day, as he had been every day since I could remember. There was no light. There were no lights on last night either. My mother tried to call him about 9:30AM and called me to say she had no luck, so I called the desk sergeant at the police department and spoke with Jodie. She said they would have someone go out and check on him. My mind was screaming at me for what they would find. It also made it extremely hard to concentrate on work as a swell of tears for a man who meant so much is such little, but important ways to my life. So here is where you think the story has that sad ending don’t you… well no. The police called me as they left Mr. Wall’s house. The lady officer was laughing and talking about what a great guy Mr. Wall is. He really is a character and a little feisty the woman said. They had the paramedics check Mr. Wall out and found that he has two broken ribs and is having heart issues. They tried their best to get him to let them take him to the hospital, but he wouldn’t go. He told them the same thing he’s always told us, that he’s never been to a doctor and he doesn’t plan to start going now. The lady said she would set him up with hot meal delivery and check into getting free aid to work on his house and his yard. She also said she would set up for hospice to start dropping by and checking on him. She asked if I thought he’d let them in, that he’d agreed to it, but she wasn’t sure. I told her if it was someone willing to listen to his stories he’d open the door with a smile. She did say his life is winding down and it probably won’t be that long, but for today he is full of life and feisty and she thanked me for caring enough to call them and for the opportunity to meet him. You see that truly is the kind of man he is. So for today he still lives and I still have opportunity to speak with him again. It’s a life I admire and one long lived and lived well. So today he’s still here, but I’m still sad at the thought that he won’t be here much longer. Death is a part of our lives. It’s something I will never get use to, even though I understand it finds us all. So of a man like Mr. Wall, what does one really say?

A Final Kiss

It was an exceptionally cold January. Icicles had formed on the window panes and a cold chill had settled in her very bones that she couldn’t quiet shake. Normally a hot shower would knock the chill right out of her, but it wasn’t working. She also noticed that her energy just seemed to be depleted. Shaking her head she slowly forced herself up off the sofa. She’d have to be to work in a couple of short hours and she had a lot she needed to get done before leaving. She was sure it was nothing more than the winter dreary’s. The fact that the sun hadn’t shown itself in almost a month was enough to depress anyone’s body and mind. In the pit of her stomach there was a gnawing hunger. That also was out of place for her. She normally didn’t even get the first pang of hunger until the late afternoon. The fleeting thought that it must be an emotionally charged hunger swept through her mind. At work that evening she found she was feeling dizzy and even more tired. She also noticed a slight tingle of a headache that lurked in the background of her mind. Although she was still hungry even after having eaten several things, there was also a feeling of nausea that was sweeping over her. She was still so cold even though the thermometer read seventy-six degrees in her building. It must be mental crossed her mind yet again. She muddled through the rest of the day and was extremely glad when it was time to go home. At home she kissed her husband as he was all ready there when she got there. She smiled at him and told him she was going to lie down for a few minutes prior to fixing their evening meal. He jokingly told her he didn’t know if he could wait that long, but then gave her a soft and gentle kiss on the lips and told her to get some rest, that he would make the evening meal and wake her when it was done. She sighed and walked off to the bedroom. She still didn’t feel quiet right. Great she thought, now my right arm is also aching. Damn arthritis. Getting older just isn’t fun and again she blamed the weather for making her miserable. No wonder people move to Florida when they get older she thought. As she lay down on the bed she smiled at the thoughtfulness of her husband and that soft and gentle kiss that he had given her just a few short minutes ago. Two hours later her husband came to wake her. He walked into the room and panic struck his eyes. Why did he look so distraught? She watched as he walked across the room to where her now icy body lay. Understanding now dawned on her own expression. Andrea had a heart attack shortly after lying down for her nap. She wasn’t going to be enjoying that dinner that her husband had so thoughtfully made her. She wasn’t going to have to worry about the winter cold any longer. Andrea had died in her bedroom shortly after lying down for a nap. That last gentle kiss was her final one. So what is this story about? It’s actually based on a true story of someone I knew. Not someone I knew very well, but someone I knew none the less. It’s the story of how a woman had symptoms of a heart attack all day and didn’t give it a second thought. It’s the story of how if she had not made an excuse for all that her body was trying to tell her she might have realized what was going on. Any one symptom by itself might have been something she could have passed by, but she had multiple symptoms. Women don’t usually have the same symptoms as men when they are having a heart attack. The most common symptoms for women are unusual fatigue, sleeping disturbances, shortness of breath, indigestion and anxiety. Most don’t ever have chest pain. As women or I suppose even men, we need to know our bodies and listen to what they are telling us. They do let us know. As in today I was craving eggs. Was it really eggs I needed? No, yesterday I gave blood at the doctors for tests. My body was just letting me know it was low on iron and needed proteins and other vitamins to build it back up. After I ate some shaved beef and some nuts and crackers the craving for eggs went away. Learn to listen to what your body tells you. It could possibly save your life. For more information on women and heart diseases check out this web page:

http://www.womensheart.org/content/HeartAttack/heart_attack_symptoms_risks.asp

The final kiss in this story probably didn't have to be her final one... will you let it be yours?

Change is Part of Life

I understand people’s nostalgia for times gone by. Really I do, but change is a part of life. It seems more than a few people are upset by the closing of my old high school, Elmhurst. All they talk about is stopping the closure of the school. Part of me can understand that, but I’m also somewhat of a realist. I realize that the building is old and in need of a lot of repair. I realize that even when I went to school there it got extremely hot and uncomfortable in the classrooms in May and the first part of June until school was out. The building has no air conditioning. I also realize that the building would literally shake when they were blasting at the gravel pit and must admit that on more than one occasion it caused alarm to encompass my very being while trying to listen to a lecture. I have a tendency to have a little more compassion for the people who don’t want the school gone for reasons that their children will have farther to go to school than I do for the ones who just want to keep it around because it’s where they went to school. It’s OK to have fond memories, but we shouldn’t hold onto or try to live in the past. Right now there is a group that gathers monthly of old Elmhurst, Wayne, and whatever other school out there. That is fun. It’s remembering the past and relishing in the friends we have made along the way, the ones we could make again and just a few good times, but it has nothing to do with a building. The spirit that belonged to those kids that graduated from that school will live on whether the building is there or not. The memories will be with us and some of the memories will be good and some will be bad. I say again that it is just part of life. The older I get the more I realize you don’t need material objects to have memories. I don’t need a picture to recall my grandmother standing on the porch waving to us as we would leave from visiting with her. I can still recall it in my mind as if it were yesterday. I don’t need the doll my parents bought me when I was eight years old to remember how much I loved that doll and the memory of them giving it to me. The possessions may be nice and sometimes having them is a fond way to recall, but the memories linger in each of us. If they tear down Elmhurst tomorrow and build something else there, it still will not take away the memory of hours spent with friends and teachers in that place. The decision to close Elmhurst is one that is emotional to many, but it is economically a sound choice made by the school board we elected to watch out for our children and for our financial needs to see that the educational system does not fail us. I am sure that none of those board members were aiming for Elmhurst based solely on the premise that they didn’t like the school itself, so if you see them out there please be nice to them. They are given a budget and there is only so much they can do with it. I would much rather they close schools than some other options. The bad part though is we are probably losing some outstanding teachers at those schools that are closing. It’s too bad they can’t keep the teachers and just place them at new schools. Once again, I understand the sentimentality. I understand even better those parents who don’t want their kids shipped off or who moved to the neighborhood so their children could go there. I’m also really more inclined to have major sympathy for those teachers and employees who will find themselves unemployed. I am not trying to be heartless. I am just being practical. Life is about change and this is just another one unfortunately that we’ll have to adjust to.

Emotional needs count too…

Seems to me our government has its sticky little hands/paws in about everything we do or try to do these days. They tell us it’s not okay to spank our children, even though the Bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. (NO, I’m not advocating child abuse, but a little rump roast every once in the while with no bruising really doesn’t hurt anyone) They tell us that we have to have their permission to add onto our homes and even pay them for the privilege. They tell us even who we can love if you stop and think about it. All the while they are controlling every aspect of our life and they say they are doing it for the “greater good”. They are doing this to protect the innocent. Where are they with laws that really should be put in place to protect the innocent? It seems to me that on most things our government has it pretty much backwards. Not to mention that most things that are governed appear to be in protection of the few and not the many. The one that has me going and is driving me insane these days has to do with parental rights and a child's mental well being. Did you realize that in this great state of Indiana all our government cares about is that a parent provide sufficient food, an adequate roof over the child's head, clothes and see that they get to school. That is it. It doesn't matter if the child suffers mental anguish or abuse. No one cares in our child protective services, governmental blunder ship here in this great state. OK, maybe someone cares, but there are no laws to help it or so it would seem. The laws also seem unfair to me when they favor a woman simply because she's female and appear to believe that because she has a womb she's automatically the more nurturing and better parent. I don't get it. I think that the laws should take into consideration whether or not children are thriving in the environment in which they are in. I mean a child that goes from doing well in school to all of a sudden doing poorly, getting in trouble and being put on mental medications should be investigated as to what is going on in the home. Children are not as resilient as our government seems to feel and instead of checking it out they often just assume the child has problems and that it couldn't be associated with home life. I had a good upbringing for the most part, but I do have some mental scars from growing up and I can tell you not one spanking left any type of permanent mark, but some of the emotional ones I've fought my entire life. I believe emotional is worse. I also feel that if people have children that their children should come first at least until they are 18. I hear people argue they should get to have a life. They chose to have children. Their children should be their life. I don't mean they can't have a little time every once in a while to themselves. Everyone needs that. How I see it is that a divorced parent has every other weekend to do whatever they want. The weekends they have their children should be about their children. If they don't like having to devote all week and every other weekend to their children then perhaps they should not be the custodial parent. If you love your children and you can't devote yourself to them then it's the loving thing to do to give them to the parent that can. Don't you think so? It's not a failure to know ones own limitations. I spent a lot of time with my parents growing up. My parents allowed me time to be a kid and always made sure I knew they were here for me. There are so many things I could write in here and regardless of what someone may think this isn't meant to be directed at anyone in particular. I just think times have changed. I think laws need to change too. I know several single dads that want to be a part of their children's lives. They want to make active decisions. They want to spend as much time as they can with their children. Yet it seems the laws are all on the sides of the mom's. They give her full say in almost everything and limit the dads rolls. I know if people would be mature adults there would be no reason for the government to even need to be involved. I mean is it really that hard for parents to realize their children need both their mom and their dad and that time should be freely given without stipulations between both? Is it hard to understand that a child is a thinking being and can give you some insights into how they feel about the things that go on inside the home? No matter what our government thinks I'm here to tell you that I know emotional needs count too.... it's not enough to supply some sort of food, clothing and a roof. Time, love and devotion go into making a healthy and stable child that will grow into a well rounded adult. I'm just saying.... it's only my opinion but emotional needs count too.

*** Plan B ***

Let me start by saying it is my opinion that everyone is entitled to their
opinion whether they are right or wrong. Seriously though the opinions
expressed in this blog are mine and are not meant to insult anyone or upset
anyone, just to make you stop and think and to give you the opportunity to
express your opinion on the topic as well. This just happens to be on my
mind. --- If you’re super sensitive to this topic you may want to sit this
one out.

Abstinence is the safest form of birth and disease control. That is what they say, right? Well, one would have to agree and could hardly argue that they are correct. The problem here is it is not happening. You know it and I know it. I’m not for promoting sex in teenagers so don’t even go there with me; however, I do feel it’s a parent’s responsibility to talk to their children about sex and to teach them and prepare them to keep them safe. My parents, God I do love them, but they never had any form or fashion of a sex talk with me. Heck my mom didn’t tell me about my menstrual cycle until I had all ready been on it a year and using her pads. Guess she didn’t notice. My parents are and always have been and will be old fashioned. Nothing wrong with it, except with society the way it is today we can not afford to not inform our children of the facts. The fact is that Aids is real. The fact is that once you have a girl pregnant, there is no turning back, no matter the choice you make. Yes I said choice. I know it’s a word that gets the pro-life folks standing in line to beat down doors and yeah to an extent I’m with you because I am pro-life, but I am also pro-choice. So how can I be both? That is an easy answer. I don’t believe I or anyone else has the right to make choices for anyone else or to tell them what their relationship with God is or how their body should have to suffer. And before you go there I have all ready heard the argument about watching a child be neglected and no I wouldn’t stand by and watch someone beat a kid, but I don’t see this as the same thing, sorry, save your breath. I would never dream of asking a girl who was the victim of rape or incest or who might die while doing so to carry a baby that she couldn’t possibly want. On the other hand if she aborts it she’ll have that cross to hang on to for I’m sure it has to be an emotional roller coaster. I seriously don’t think there is anything that could make me abort a baby, but I’ll also tell you that at this point in my life I don’t want children of my own. As much as that probably is to the dislike of my mom and dad I don’t. I don’t even know if I want a husband, let alone kids. A partner to share life is a wonderful thought, but finding that right person is tricky. I like my life for the most part the way it is. So with that said, we know people are not going without sex, but are they being safe with sex? I have talked to several people that claim they just can’t stand to have sex using a condom. So I suppose they like the idea of and STD? I’m here to tell you that if the choice is no sex or using a condom most people will use one so girls don’t let the guys tell you that and guys don’t let the girl hood wink you. While we are on that subject guys really you do need to know if you can trust your partner. I mean just because a girl says she’s on the pill don’t make it so. I had an ex room mate who purposely got pregnant knowing the guy was from a hard core Catholic family and that the guy would marry her. I think it was wrong and I doubt it ever came with a happily ever after the way she might have thought, but I’m telling you there are girls out there that will do it. And girls you need to be doubling up on your security too. Just because he wears a condom doesn’t mean it won’t break or he hasn’t damaged it or lubes might make it less effective. Seriously sex is not to be treated lightly. It comes with emotional and physical ramifications. Now, if you do find yourself in a bind ladies where the condom breaks or you’re in a “hurry” and don’t ask him to wear one or oops didn’t take my pill today, there is a product out there you can buy called “The Plan B Pill”. It’s not meant to be a permanent form of birth control and trust me when I say you wouldn’t want it to be. Walgreen's sells it for around $45, Wal-Mart’s around $55. The difference is that Walgreen's is a two pill taken at 12 hour intervals where Wal-Mart’s sells a single dose pill. What is this pill? Simply put it is a pill that prevents fertilization and ovulation. Yes I said prevents fertilization, so if you take it you are not killing a living human being because one hasn’t been created yet. I know there are still people out there that think it’s wrong because you should allow God to decide, but this pill is no different than using a condom or taking the pill to me. Even with that said though there are several pharmacies that refuse to carry this pill simply because of the religious up roar that it comes with. It is often referred to as a morning after pill, but is not exactly the same pill. This one works to stop fertilization from ever happening in the first place. This pill needs to be taken within 72 hours of having unprotected sex or from the time of whatever occurred to make you suspect you need it. The longer you wait the less likely it will work and ladies there is only an 89% change it will work in the first place. I know that sounds like a good number, but it leaves 11% odds in favor of becoming pregnant. I’m just saying. This pill does have some side effects that can occur and I would highly recommend you read up on it long before ever needing it to make sure it’s an option, but it is out there and it is available should the need arise and for those that are thinking it’s expensive, well how much does it cost to raise a child these days? So if you’re in doubt you might want to take a chance and roll the dice, or see your Walgreens or Wal-Mart’s pharmacists and get “The Plan B Pill”. It’s just another option for you. So if you hadn’t heard, I wanted you to know there was one available. Again, this is all only my opinion.

Facing the Fear

Walking in on one’s worst fear and attempting to stay is something I can attest to is not an easy task. I have been all about trying to conquer my own fears over the past year. I have faced things I thought I never would and dared to do things I never cared to even contemplate. Imagine if you will being confronted with a haunting memory from the past, something that gripped you so badly that it controlled you for more than a decade. The scene you walk into very similar and the feeling in the bottom of your stomach that of sickness and fear. You can feel every inch of your spine tighten and every breath seems like a chore. You consciously are aware of every time you move about the room your brain has to be told to move your arms or your legs. Your hands tingle with a numb awareness that you are ready to grab the car keys and find the nearest exit. You bite your lip at the awareness that your legs may not support your flee. It’s almost as if a slow motion picture is playing out in front of you. You’re physically there, but somehow it’s not real. Inside you are filled with memories of days long gone by and of a time and place that no longer exists except for in your fears. Can time repeat itself? You are faced with the decision of staying and facing your fears to finally put them to bed or turning on your heals and running back into the safety of your own private world. Should a person stay and face it so that it will no longer control them or should they tuck their tail and run? I suppose one could say I’ve done a little of both. I am a firm believer these days that you must face life head on and that wallowing in self pity and fear gets you absolutely nowhere. There are no nights in shinning armor that are going to ride in on their white steeds and save the day. It’s up to each and every one of us to live our lives and to make the best of what we have. I’ve preached this before I know, but it’s not changed in that you can choose to wallow in self pity or you can pick yourself up and make the most of each and every day. I personally think if a person hides the way I did for so long they truly are not living, but are merely existing. One could argue they are merely taking up space on an all ready overly crowded planet. Then there are always regrets and mistakes. Good Lord knows I make enough of them that if they were the pre-requisite for giving up on life I would have long jumped in the open grave and let someone shovel the dirt on top of me. We all make bad choices and we all have regrets. It took me many years to realize that. Sometimes it can feel as if the world is only beating us up and that the rest of the world hums along without any problems. I know that isn’t the truth, but it would be easy to believe especially when a bunch of issues and problems all seem to accumulate at our door step at the same time. Ever have one of those dreams that you are running and going nowhere as the monster creeps slowly up behind you? Your feet just aren’t getting you away fast enough or they are moving but it seems like no matter how fast you run the monster gains ground. Yeah we all have those don’t we. Sometimes life can feel that way to. Next time you’re having that dream take control of it, stop in your tracks, spin around and kick the monsters a**. Go ahead you can do it. The same as you can face your fears in real life. You can choose to forge on and be the best and have the best life you can possibly make it out to be. Everyone has problems, fears and regrets. It’s how we handle them and how we live that makes the difference.

"I don't believe in self-pity. It only brings you down.
I may be the queen
of broken hearts, but I don't hide
behind the crown. When the deck is stacked
against me, I just play
a
different game, My roots
are planted in the past and though my
life is changing' fast, Who I am is who I
wanna be" - Reba McEntire's
"Survivor"

Another Mind Boggling “Holiday”...

Valentines Day is another of those so called holiday’s I could do without. Whether I’m involved in a relationship or single, it’s one I just rightly don’t really care for. I’m one of those people who appreciate the little things with no significant reason other than that the man might care about me. I don’t want a holiday around to force him to do something nice. I also then don’t get how women can really want a man, because of said holiday, to take them out to somewhere expensive and buy them lavish gifts. Nice things and nice dinners are nice, but I am a person who appreciates the thoughtfulness behind something much more than the price tag. One of my ex’s one time left me a message at work saying I thought of you and smiled today, left you a little something for when you get home. It was intriguing. There was no holiday, no special meaning to the day other than he thought of me and left me a stuffed cat sitting there with an I love you note card under it’s paw sitting on my sofa for when I got home. My heart melted. Still does at the memory. The same ex also bought me nail polish one time and told me I had beautiful hands and he just knew this polish would shine on my nails. I was talking with a friend yesterday who I think still has it bad for their ex and we were talking about the things this person had been given. You know just because you move on from a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t cherish any good memories you had with them. I’m a firm believer though that once you’ve moved on there is no point in revisiting the relationship. I mean there is a reason it ended and that reason probably hasn’t changed is the way I look at it. If celebrating the holiday with a boyfriend though I would rather it be special time together rather than a dinner in a crowded restaurant. If he’s smart he’ll either buy dinner for us and bring it to the house and set it up or he’ll cook. Then a little movie together, a back rub, a hot bath and whatever else the evening might lead up to and I’m all good. No tons of money necessary and it’s “us” time. Have you considered reading to your lady? I don’t know how other women feel, but I love a man who’ll read to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I like or not. The fact that he has his arm around me and is taking the time to read, yes even if it’s the sports page, out loud for me to listen makes me sigh. You know the other day I was listening to a radio talk show and this psychologist was trying to convince women around the country that they should be flattered when a man buys them sexy underwear or intimate apparel. Guys, I’m sorry, but I don’t know any woman who wants this stuff as a gift. The psychologist said it’s a guy’s way of saying he thinks you look good and have a body good enough to wear this. Let me tell you right now guys that all the woman sees is that you want laid and you were not thinking of her when you bought it. Ladies now let me address you… go buy something with him in mind. The man shouldn’t have to do all the work on Valentines Day and if he is sweet enough to come in and rub your aching feet and not be looking for anything in return… why not give him something in return for his effort? Romance is a two way street and that is another reason I don’t like Valentines Day. It’s all set up to put pressure on the poor guys out there. Ladies he deserves to be pampered and spoiled to. So no matter what he does ladies please try to remember it’s the thought that counts and it’s a holiday made to make him feel like a failure if you ask me, but I’ll get off my down with Valentines day kick and simply say this: Have fun, enjoy and love lots, but make Valentines day every day and try to remember to say a kind word, give a soft stroke of your hand gently down the side of her or his face daily, smile at each other, be understanding of bad days and bad moods, embrace time that you share and share all that you feel, take nothing for granted and love completely. Life is a gift and no one knows how much time they have. I reflect on this constantly. My friend Andy isn’t here this Valentines day for me to even tell this, so I will say it to all my family and friends. Happy Valentines Day and God Bless and keep you all. You are loved dearly and thought of daily.

A Simpler Time

I remember the anticipation of seeing my grandmothers and my cousins. It was an exhilarating feeling and somehow in my Child's mind it didn’t occur to me that they had the same radio and the same television and the same access to news we did. It always seemed that the folks were talking about the difference between Fort Wayne, Indiana and Pippa Passes/Hindman Kentucky. The two worlds looking back seemed nothing alike. I suppose to a child getting to go away from home and being spoiled would seem different regardless, but there were major differences in the life styles. My parents always took soda pop and potato chips, cookies and pretzels to give out to the people we visited. This was partially because my dad worked a big portion of my childhood for Seyferts Potato chips. In the earlier years we would travel when my dad got off work and often arrived in the wee hours of the morning before anyone had awakened. We would then sit and wait until some semblance of life stirred in the home we were going to. As we grew older it got to were we would leave early morning and get there late afternoon. To me it didn’t really matter which grandmother we went to first. My grandmother Lula lived up a holler that my dad didn’t take the car up. We would park at the end of it and walk. I love the memory of that mere five to ten minute walk along the gravel path and beside the little creek to find my grandmother standing on the edge of the porch with her bright smile welcoming us. She always had a dog that would inevitably come out to great us as well. Oh how I loved those dogs too. We didn’t have a pet for a great portion of my childhood because my dad really didn’t like having them around. He didn’t feel they were clean and I suppose didn’t feel we would be responsible. When we were finally allowed to get a pet it was a cat. My grandmother, Lula’s house was small. It had a half wrap porch that was taller than I was as a child and probably would come about chest high on me now. (That is not short as in I am five foot nine inches tall.) There were two doors we primarily used when going in my grandmothers home. The first one was a side door and if entering it you would step directly into the kitchen and dining room as it was. Immediately to the left was a sink, but it did not have running water, but rather buckets with dippers for getting the water out. You see she had ‘real’ well water and many a times my brother and I have drawn buckets of water up from her well. I even recall one summer when my dad and my uncles dug her a new well. There were fish in the well and if you caught them in the bucket you had to throw them back. Immediately behind the kitchen if you went straight was a bedroom and a door leading to another bedroom which I don’t recall ever having been in. You see my uncle Paul had some issues mentally and he didn’t take visitors except small children and my grandmother. I do recall him sitting in a window where we could see him and he would watch for hours as us children played in the yard just behind the house. There was a pantry in the kitchen and then the living room was off to the right of the kitchen. There were two pull out sofas in that living room where company could sleep. There was an old dresser I would love to have had in the living room, a small television a couple of chairs and a baseboard heater. Out behind the house there were smoke houses and an outhouse out on the hill. No running water or indoor plumbing in this house. It was definitely like stepping back in time. There were chicken coops and a barn that had the creek dug through it to make watering the horses much easier. Except for late night there was no need for television to entertain adults or children either one. The adults would sit and tell stories of days gone by and every relative you could imagine would be there to see us, as well as the occasion neighbor who was just passing by, but be assured they were not strangers for in the hill country everyone knows their neighbors no matter how far apart they live. There were always plenty of cousins for us to play tag or ball with, as well as going down to the creek (Crick in the south) and fishing for craw dads. (Crayfish) -- Lord only knows what kept us from getting bit by rattle snacks and everything else. We would play up and down the hillside and we were rarely careful to watch our step. My grandmother kept corn fields and chickens and hogs. They were a small source of entertainment as well I suppose along with the dozens of cats. Some of those cats were not only house cat. They surely had to be mixed with the bob cats that did roam the hillsides because they were enormous. While south we would make our rounds and attempt to see as many relatives as possible. When we were younger we would stay a week, but as we got older it turned into a two day trip. I suppose the struggles of jobs and work and getting older on my parents behalf may have been responsible for that. We always went to my aunt Bonnie’s. She lived on the same holler as my grandmother Lula. She had these step stairs that went up to her house. She also had lots of children of her own so again we had plenty to do. That was entertaining in that you may hear a wild story from my uncle Forest or even if you were lucky you might get to hear him play some music or he’d show you his horse. My grandmother Jezzie lived a couple of different places over the years. For a while she lived up that same holler and I can remember the wondrous times we had out in the yard playing basketball, chasing the dog and running back to the little creek bed. Then there was the huge basement where we would listen to Johnny Rivers’s records and pretend we were a secret agent, just like in the song. There are so many wonderful memories of those times. It seems so many of those people are no longer with us though. It’s also unfortunately a little more up to date with the times. Relatives there are taking up the Internet and supermarkets are no longer a long journey. I rarely hear of family and friends just getting together to hang out on the porch and reminisce. I’m hopeful though that if I get to go in the spring perhaps for old time sake they will all gather and remember those gone on and times of jubilance and joy. Death is part of life, but only the body dies and the spirit moves on. The memories are always with us. So as I detest this cold weather I do owe it one semblance of gratitude in that since I can’t get outside I did have time for my mind to wonder back over the many people who still live in my heart and the time period where life was a little simpler and time seemed to stand still. This is just one more area of memories that will forever be in my mind.

Reality Bites!

Reality bites. This has been a tough week for me. A friend of mine took his own life to start my week out. I made a financial error to go to a second mistake and then today I got a ticket. Sometimes life just likes to throw you one curve ball after another. You know I bet the Cubs are use to them by now, but I’m not quiet there. Yesterday was a big day of reflection. I mean I’ve had a lot of hard life decisions to make lately. Not that this isn’t a part of every day life, but it can really leave you feeling a little down in the dumps. Thank God I have a wonderful group of friends that support me at every turn and even listen to me ramble or text as I try to rationalize decisions that I know are correct, but really don’t want to face. All in all I understand why my friend took his life. He was battling cancer for the second time, this time stage four, no reprieve. I’m not sure how I feel about it on religious grounds or even from the fact that I will miss him dearly, but I do understand what drove him there. As for the financial error, my mind has been elsewhere and it’s not like it’s something that is going to kill me. For the ticket, well yeah I deserved it so I can’t even be angry at the polite young police officer who went out of his way to make sure I knew he was just doing his job and to say thank you and please. Someone taught him manors. Something a lot of people don’t have anymore. So once again I find myself just wanting to say thank you to the group of friends that listen to me go on and on. Thanks for being my sounding board and reaffirming that the decision I made was the correct one and that the feelings I’m having are normal. I think of you as family. A family I’ve chosen and I love you all lots. But I still think the reality of this week bites.

~~Real or Memorex?~~

Anyone remember that Memorex commercial? It was a commercial for blank/recordable cassette (maybe I should ask how many remember cassette tapes) and later on video tapes that insinuated that by using them you would forget somehow you were listening to or watching a recording and believe somehow you were observing the real thing. I’m here to tell you that it was rarely even close to the real thing or even listening to it off the radio, but for the time it was probably as close as one was going to get and a big improvement over the old reel tapes. Me? I seem to ask this question a lot in my life, so I was just pondering its many uses today as I was walking the stairs. Yeah, stairs are not my favorite thing to do, but its exercise. This question can be used on almost every aspect of life. I mean if you have a problem (any type) you could ask it in the context of is it truly a problem that deserves your worry or is it just a mere complication that will fade with time? I know I’ve known people I’ve wanted to ask that question by the story they were telling me at the time. An out of body experience story comes to mind. I wanted so badly to say are you kidding me? Not that I don’t believe in supernatural events, but if you knew the person telling the story you would understand my hesitation on this one. Then there is one of the most important aspects of life that this question can apply to and that is love or friendship. I mean a friend of mine and I today were talking about how if a relationship is real (again either kind) it’s something you value and don’t want to destroy. If a relationship is Memorex then you really don’t give it a whole lot of thought and have a “to hell” with the consequences type attitude. What really sucks is if you think its Memorex, lose it and realize it was the real deal. So thinking over the things in your life do you ever ask if it is real or Memorex or do you just try not think about it?

Sometimes I Forget

I’ve studied a lot of different things in school. I guess I just feel like no matter how much I study I never really learn enough though and sometimes I forget what it is that I have learned along the way. When I was younger I had a lot of insecurities so human relationships and psychology got a lot of my time in college. I should be better at relationships with all the training I have had, but the one thing I realize is that I am definitely a person ruled by my passion and emotions. I often don’t take the time to stop and rationalize through what I am about to do. That can get a person into a heap of trouble as my grandmother use to say. I would definitely say I am much better at reading people. I have a vast array of friends from all scopes of life. I like it that way. Some of them are open and straight forward; others hide behind a protective shield never allowing anyone close to their hearts. I find people fascinating to watch. I could sit for hours in a public place and just try to figure out what is going on in the lives of perfect strangers. I also have a habit of asking very personal questions if I get comfortable enough. My blunt nature is usually met one of two ways 1) with fascination and need to know more or 2) with disdain and disgust that one could be so bold. I love when someone does the first. There is a third rarity and that is a person who just accepts me. The most accepting person I have ever known in my life was my uncle Roger. I miss him so much sometimes. He didn’t judge me or expect me to be anything other than what I was. As I was driving into work today I took a moment to think about some blunders I have made recently and the best way to go about correcting them. Thankfully I don’t think I’ve done anything that bad, just forgotten that to men silence is golden and to women communications is a need. I think there must be some cosmic joke in the universe to have made men and women’s needs in human relationships so differently that one has to stop and think out their interactions so intensely. I suppose it doesn’t help being that I am a sponge for other people’s emotions. I can usually tell you what someone is feeling and almost before they can. I have always been that way, so I tend to stay away from people when they are feeling extremely negative because I just can’t afford to take on those emotions myself. I suppose it makes for an interesting world. One might get bored if we all thought and felt the same things. I was reading an article on how women and men view text messages differently. A woman sends out a message and expects a response almost immediately while a man sends one out and if he gets a response great, if not he’ll worry about it later. Is that true? Any of you guys out there want to comment on whether it bothers you as much as it does me to have to sit and wait for a response that either doesn’t come, comes hours later or instead of being answered the person sends you a text message with a new question not even related to what you asked? Also does it sadden anyone out there besides me that the art of actually writing letters is slowly dying? There is nothing more precious or valuable than a hand written letter full of passion and longing. I just somehow don’t think you can put that in an email or a text and do it justice. Good Lord, then there is dating. How differently do women and men usually view dating? I mean I think I fall outside the norm on this one because I don’t think you have to be with the person you are dating 24/7 like a lot of women I know and I think each person has to maintain a feeling of self and their own life as well as join with their partner, but what is it that makes men think nothing should change in their lives and women think that men should now make them the center of their universe? Is it like that in gay relationships? I mean there are normally one feminine roll and one masculine role so I was just wondering if they go through the same issues. So many questions and so little time and yet they will never truly be answered. The best advise I can give anyone in any type of relationship is to not over think it. Have you ever noticed that if you sit and dwell on something it becomes this huge monster of an issue when in reality it started out being nothing? This is what I have to remind myself over and over, but I am human and you know sometimes I forget.