Learning to Love Yourself...

I know on more than one occasion I have spoken of my feelings about life and living. I constantly think about the past. I am not sure if that is normal or not. I have a tendency to think it is and that as human being’s we use that as a tool to keep from repeating our mistakes. Some of us though keep repeating them if for no other reason sadism. Yep, a whole bunch of you just had your eyebrows turn upward. Do I believe some people are enticed and drawn to pain? Hell yes I do! Mostly I believe that people do it unwittingly though. Last week for me was rough on so very many levels that I am not even sure where to begin. I have known for years now that I take states of manic episodes. My emotions run either extremely happy or extremely sad. There is no middle ground for me. I worked with a therapist on that years ago though and learned how to read the signs and how to handle them for the most part. I am proud to say I do it without medication. I mean most people who are prone to manic episodes are on Zoloft or some other medication and even on the medication to me they seem far more messed up than I could ever be. For anyone who doesn’t know what one of these states is like I am going to tell you, so sit back and enjoy the ride. When these episodes, for lack of a better term, come over me there is a high energy sensation that is over my entire body. I almost feel like I could make light bulbs glow if you placed one in my hand. I feel the need to be up and about and doing something. That outlet of energy could be shopping (common and dangerous to the wallet), drinking (dangerous because in these states it helps dull things which you feel the need for – alcoholics often do this), dancing, exercise, cleaning house, or playing a sport or something. During these episodes sitting or being in one place for too long can drive me batty. My nerves feel as if someone has stepped on the last one and I just want to have fun and forget life exists. Anxiety is a big key player in this state. One to know what this feels like for us? Drink about twenty cups of coffee in an hour and not know if a loved one is going to live or not. That pretty much to me sums up the feeling. It’s tense and I would tend to believe if one didn’t know that it’s simply a chemical imbalance that you have to learn to control that you could think you were going half insane. Now every manic episode is followed by a depressed state. The manic episodes themselves can last anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. The depressed state usually doesn’t last as long, but when that fall from manic to depressed hits look out. It’s a total feeling of worthlessness and foreboding. I can cry for no reason and at the stupidest things. Last week I was manic for the first part and during that time had some very horrible news on several fronts. The end of the week and beginning of this one left me depressed. I’m happy to say right now I’m leveled off from both. I also had the task of writing about some of my inner most thoughts on what caused my weight issues and had to let someone read it to complete the assignment so to speak. That was a tough one. Opening up completely, although it may seem otherwise because of the things I write in here, is not something easily done. There are parts of me that no one knows. I am also sure though that this web site has given my brother many insights into me that he had no clue on. You see for as open as people believe me to be, they’ve only seen shadows of which I really am and how I really feel. This too could be normal. Who am I to say what is or is not normal? I just know I have never felt like an ordinary or normal person. I chose a person who had no ties to the events of my past to read the letter I had to write. The person the counselor wanted me to have read it I couldn’t risk upsetting and the person I let read it I was afraid to lose out of my life, but felt they at least had no connection. You really have no idea how vulnerable a feeling that is to let someone read something you had to admit about yourself that you clung to in secret for years. So what is the point of all this? Simply that I must learn and have been learning to live with and love who I am. It’s something that makes us better for ourselves and for those around us. It’s something I wish we could teach our children to do well before they are adults. Why do we have so many people out there who are quick to judge and label? These people somehow make it hard for others to be who they are. What a waste of time and energy I think. So as the holiday comes up what I would wish for each of you is that you know how special you are for just being you. I would wish that you enjoy your uniqueness and love yourselves. I really do love all my friends and family with all my heart. I also hope that you know there is not a thing I would change about who any of you are. Happy Holiday’s!