"What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." You know I use that line way more often than I know I probably should and the truth of the matter is I hate that saying. It's what we tell someone when they are facing life's tough choices, issues, or problems and I somehow so very much doubt it's ever really made anyone feel better. The thing that really sucks is that the saying is absolutely true though. Through our hardships in life we grow stronger. I talk way too much I also realize about my past two years and the changes and the feelings and emotions. Things people will either agree with me on or get annoyed that I bring up over and over. So it will be of no surprise I suppose that this blog post is no different. Yesterday was hard for me on so many levels. I barely ate anything. I had a Nestle Crunch bar and a hand full of pretzels and then I didn't really want those. I had no appetite at all. All day and all evening there was a feeling of dread and almost depression like feeling I carried with me. It wasn't depression though. I have had that. I know that feeling. This one was so off and so hard for me to mark in my mind what it could be. Then this morning or last night, which ever you consider midnight, I went to Meijers to get a few things. Not a rough trip in that nothing looked good to me so there were no temptations. Just went in for dog food, water, diet A&W and some bleach. Walking around I felt an empty pang in the pit of my stomach. No, it wasn't hunger. As a matter of fact food thoughts didn't even enter my mind. I did force myself to eat a sandwich when I got home, but it tasted bland and I almost forgot I was eating it. I knew in the back of my mind what these feelings were. Anyone who's been there knows what these emotions were. They were the emotions of worry and dread. Yes, I am not a person who worries that much or dreads that often. Usually if it's something out of my control I just leave it in Gods hands, but yesterday I spent dreading today. Today was a day that could have changed everything. It could have made all the rules go out the window. If you recall six months back I had a mammogram. It didn't turn out normal. I have a place on my left breast. An abnormality. OK so most things about me aren't normal, but this worried me. I had an ultra sound. Agreement from doctors that it wasn't normal. Then came a decision to watch the place and see what happens. For six months I have waited for this day to come. Not one day has gone by that I haven't wondered if cancer was spreading through me as I breathed in and out the daily air. Most days though it has been just a fleeting thought. Then today I went for the exam to find out. No, it hadn't grown. As a matter of fact the doctor said he believed it had gotten smaller. This means they can almost surely rule out cancer as in it would not shrink, but they want to be safer than sorry some day so another six month wait. No heavy weights lifted completely off my shoulders, just a few pounds released as in I have dodged the bullet this far. So I still won't tell my parents. No need to worry them needlessly. I will wait and try to believe with all my heart that the next six month test will show the same if not better. I will keep working on getting healthier. I will keep my chin up and yes perhaps I will be just a little stronger after today than I was yesterday. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Doesn't it?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What Doesn't Kill Us...
"What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." You know I use that line way more often than I know I probably should and the truth of the matter is I hate that saying. It's what we tell someone when they are facing life's tough choices, issues, or problems and I somehow so very much doubt it's ever really made anyone feel better. The thing that really sucks is that the saying is absolutely true though. Through our hardships in life we grow stronger. I talk way too much I also realize about my past two years and the changes and the feelings and emotions. Things people will either agree with me on or get annoyed that I bring up over and over. So it will be of no surprise I suppose that this blog post is no different. Yesterday was hard for me on so many levels. I barely ate anything. I had a Nestle Crunch bar and a hand full of pretzels and then I didn't really want those. I had no appetite at all. All day and all evening there was a feeling of dread and almost depression like feeling I carried with me. It wasn't depression though. I have had that. I know that feeling. This one was so off and so hard for me to mark in my mind what it could be. Then this morning or last night, which ever you consider midnight, I went to Meijers to get a few things. Not a rough trip in that nothing looked good to me so there were no temptations. Just went in for dog food, water, diet A&W and some bleach. Walking around I felt an empty pang in the pit of my stomach. No, it wasn't hunger. As a matter of fact food thoughts didn't even enter my mind. I did force myself to eat a sandwich when I got home, but it tasted bland and I almost forgot I was eating it. I knew in the back of my mind what these feelings were. Anyone who's been there knows what these emotions were. They were the emotions of worry and dread. Yes, I am not a person who worries that much or dreads that often. Usually if it's something out of my control I just leave it in Gods hands, but yesterday I spent dreading today. Today was a day that could have changed everything. It could have made all the rules go out the window. If you recall six months back I had a mammogram. It didn't turn out normal. I have a place on my left breast. An abnormality. OK so most things about me aren't normal, but this worried me. I had an ultra sound. Agreement from doctors that it wasn't normal. Then came a decision to watch the place and see what happens. For six months I have waited for this day to come. Not one day has gone by that I haven't wondered if cancer was spreading through me as I breathed in and out the daily air. Most days though it has been just a fleeting thought. Then today I went for the exam to find out. No, it hadn't grown. As a matter of fact the doctor said he believed it had gotten smaller. This means they can almost surely rule out cancer as in it would not shrink, but they want to be safer than sorry some day so another six month wait. No heavy weights lifted completely off my shoulders, just a few pounds released as in I have dodged the bullet this far. So I still won't tell my parents. No need to worry them needlessly. I will wait and try to believe with all my heart that the next six month test will show the same if not better. I will keep working on getting healthier. I will keep my chin up and yes perhaps I will be just a little stronger after today than I was yesterday. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Doesn't it?
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yes sheila what dont kill us only makes us stronger. i told your brother what happend at work the other day. right now i am going threw my own pergatory. i would write and tell you except i dont even want to talk about it right now. ask ritchie. my heart is out for you. its the waiting that really kills us.
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