Spring Fever and Fear.

I love spring and summer. I look forward to it all winter long. It's a time when I feel the most alive and I can actually get outside and do things. If it weren't for my family and job being here I would be somewhere warm that I could do that all year round. There is nothing quiet like a spring day with a slight breeze and sitting out on your patio or porch. Yet the past three of four years either a family member, friend of beloved pet (sometimes one of each) have died. I guess it comes with the fact that most of my family is at "that age". You know the one where they start dying off one by one. I'm not ready for it though. I already know about as many dead people as I do living and I don't really think that is a good thing considering I'll be only Forty-two years of age on June 27Th. For now though I will count my blessings for my wonderful family and my many great friends. I am very blessed on so many levels that I can't count them. I suppose having known so many people who have died has given me some perspective. I mean I don't have a tendency to take life for granted. I don't put work and a job above my family and friends and I know somewhere in the future when I die I hope God calls me home. I really don't like the other option too much. Spring is here though and I am hoping you will pray for me and I will pray that I finally have four years of not, will make it through this spring and summer and fall without another person or beloved friend of pet leaving my life.

Holding a Grudge Must be Lonely or Pathetic

I know I know.. I'm an awful person who should burn in hell. At least in some people's opinion. But if there is one thing I just find funny and amusing is when someone holds a grudge against me so tightly that it stays on their mind enough to keep trying to get under my skin. Especially when they caused their own grief in the first place. Amusing thing is I could care less. It does make for good comedy though! It also helped pick up my mood. I know I know... Pure evil.

Reading, Writing and USCAN

If you are like me you are completely conflicted about self scan isles in stores. I mean on one hand I like not having to wait for some pimply faced teenager or someone so old that they remember the great depression to check out my items. I also do think it speeds things up most of the time if you're in a hurry. I mean the machine usually does not try to engage you in a lively conversation. Of course sometimes neither do the cashiers. I especially like the no limit ones with full length conveyor belts at Meijer. What I don't like is that it's taking over the jobs of multiple cashiers. Jobs that may not pay that much, but in today's economy a cashiers job would have to be better than no job. I also have to stop and wonder if technology keeps growing and machines keep taking over the human jobs, who in the hell is going to be able to afford the products these places sell if they have no jobs to make money to buy them with! I'm not a technology girl. I mean I like them and am fascinated by technology, but I also see the error in it's ways. I believe it's one of the number one culprits behind the weight issues of Americans today. Before secretaries (almost an extinct job now) had to get up and go get files and look things up. They didn't just sit idle at a desk all day. That is just one example. What brought this topic today to the foreground for me though was an experience I had almost a week ago.

I was on my way to work and I needed a couple of medical items. Don't know where your mind went, I'm talking about band aids and Tylenol. So I ran into Walmarts on the way in to my work place. I was thinking it should be quick enough. The pharmacy area is right up front and they have some self check out lanes. They also have a couple of those lanes that are marked Speedy Check out. For those that don't know that means you shouldn't have three cart loads of groceries. There is always a limit in these lines whether they are self check or have a cashier. Ultimately my experience, although somewhat humorous to me, was not golden. I went to the speedy check lane that clearly has it posted over head, yet they felt the need to tape it on the end of the isle as well, that there are only twenty items allowed in this lane. So what or whom was in front of me? I've lived in trailer parks so I think I can say this... The woman in front of me was what I would classify as "Ghetto White Trailer Trash". Yep, no doubts about it. No sense of caring about what anyone behind her may or may not have to do. The woman herself had way too much makeup on, but jeans and a t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a blond pony tail. She had two young girls with her roughly six and nine I would say. So this woman was in the twenty-item or less isle. Her cart held sixty-three items. How do I know. I stood there transfixed counting the items as she scanned them; however, she didn't start that until after each of her girls each scanned their own three items and payed for them. they of course had no clue, as neither did their mother how to work the scanner. I stood their pretty much barking out directions. The woman would look at me and then followed the directions I gave her. Not once seeing that I had only two items did she offer for me to go first. Of course I guess seeing as how she was obviously ignorant why would I expect common courtesy or manors. Now you have to be thinking why didn't I just change lanes. Well most of them were pretty full for one thing, but on the other hand I was sort of amused and transfixed that this woman couldn't have respected everyone else in that store any less if she had tried and really was quiet clueless on how the scan itself worked. I caught myself wondering if she didn't think she was making a giant ass and idiot out of herself. Not that everyone who gets confused by these machines is an idiot. They can stump anyone some times, but when the machine is flashing the exact instructions I am telling you. I'm wondering if we shouldn't get back to that reading part of school. Now in all honesty though she looked like she probably knew how to read. She was probably just one of those people who thinks the rules don't apply to her. A princess probably. I kept thinking what a poor example for her children she was. I think we need to get back to basic in school and make sure our children understand courtesy and manors and that they don't always win. Yes you've heard me preach that before. Now if you were in this situation what would you have done? Have your own stories? Do Tell.

Oh What A Beautiful Day!

What a gorgeous day today was outside. Too bad I didn't see much of it. I mean I did my merchandising and then went to my full time job, so I was pretty much behind closed doors all day. I did hear opportunity knocking though and I answered her. I took two separate walks today. My first "outdoor" walks since the fall. I love it. Walking is great exercise and it can relieve stress. It gives you so much time to talk things over with yourself if you're walking alone. I am going to start my daily vigils of one hour walks back up again. I walked some on the indoors during the winter, but people have a tendency to look at you like you're nuts when you're walking in circles. Hey look at it like this: not only is walking good for you but it can be an adventure because you just never know what you're going to see or find. My feet do have blisters though because walking in doors is on carpet and all level. Today I walked outside on pavement and it was up then down and then up again. I could tell I was working a few different muscles. I do have a "manual" treadmill at home that a friend gave me. I use it sometimes, but I swear that thing will kill you. It's hard as hell to work since you are basically doing all the work of pushing the belt along. Ten to fifteen minutes on it and I feel like my legs are going to just fall off my body and my lungs are going to retreat to places unknown. Either way I am happy to see it's getting pretty walking weather. I've missed my communal experience with the great outdoors. I do have to get this class out of the way before I can commit too heavy, but it's great to see old man sunshine and his cousin warmth showing up. Lets just hope they stick around for an extra long summer. I challenge each and every one of you to get out and walk. It's good for you! Who knows maybe I'll pass you along the path. Sigh, oh what a beautiful day today was.

A Lie By Any Other Name

Me, around 5 years old.

I don't like lies and I don't like to lie. As a matter of fact most often times I am way too honest with people for my own good. It is something that leaves a bad taste in their mouths most often because as I have often heard it said, there is nothing that can quiet hurt as bad as being faced with the truth. A lot of times in my own defense though the things I say I don't think about. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I have always just been a person who liked to tell it like it is. So if I've ever said something to hurt your feelings it probably wasn't intended that way. I am human though and I will tell you this, the person who says they have never under any circumstance lied, is probably lying to you. There is a difference in people though. Some people can lie and never feel an ounce of guilt about it. Some lie like there is no tomorrow. Some so much so that they don't really even remember what the truth is. Me? When I have to lie to someone, especially someone I love it hurts and it haunts me.

So what did I lie about that is haunting me today? And how can I be saying it on the Internet for everyone to see? Well, that is easy. I lied to my mom and unless one of you tell her she'll never know, unless things don't go well and I have to tell her. You see today I went over to see my mom like I do everyday before going to work. She was telling me about the neighbor lady across the street who is like sixty-three I believe she said. She had been talking to her last week and had noticed the lady had short hair, where as last year she had long hair. Mom had made some comment to her like "oh, You cut your hair." She said the woman just nodded and said nothing. Then late last week she had seen the woman and she had a cap on. Mom didn't think anything of it until yesterday when she spoke to the woman's husband. He told her how my neighbor was fighting and had been fighting breast cancer for the last year of her life. My mom stopped dead middle a sentence and looked at me and asked hey you just had a breast exam; how did it go? I looked away from her and then back and said "I'm fine mom. All is well." If she knew it might not be all she would do is worry herself sick and probably me to. In all honesty my thinking is that I am probably telling her the truth. I mean I've got the pictures and I have the doctors notes saying that it probably is. I meet with my doctor on the 28Th to decide if I want a surgeon to look at everything or if I want to wait until July or August and have another mammogram to see if anything has grown. So maybe it wasn't a lie. Maybe it was what my aunt would call a FIB or a little white lie. Sigh, no a lie is a lie and I feel badly about it. No matter how I sugar coat it up a lie by any other name would be the same.

To Eat or Not to Eat...

I love food. You might say it's my drug of choice. It doesn't seem to like me anymore on so many levels. I'm trying to make healthier choices and get the weight off that years of allowing myself to eat to fill the voids of my life have caused along with illness. I'm doing fairly well at it, even though it is taking what seems like forever. So much easier to put on than to take off. My problem I have had for the last few months though is puzzling at best. I feel fine in the days as long as I don't eat. I will have energy and my allergies will seem nonexistent. As soon as I eat though I get to feeling tired, listless and my cough comes back. I will cough so hard my throat will get sore. My sinus will start in and it's just not pretty. What foods you might ask? I haven't found any to date that don't do this. Today I felt really good when I got out of bed. Did fine until I ate. About four hours after eating I was feeling good again. Went to dinner and ate completely different foods and have felt like crap every since. Perhaps the allergist will be able to clarify it for me, but it's frustrating at best. So my choice every day is to eat or not to eat and if I do then what?

Wanna go fishing?

Would you try for the money or the fish?

Nice Kitty!

So here at work we are definitely use to seeing deer. They are always grazing out on the side hills near our building and often make you stop as they cross in front of your car as you attempt to exit the parking lot. Nothing new there, because I see deer all the time home and work. I love nature. I feed squirrels, deer, raccoons, birds and you name it. Animals and I get along well for the most part. So tonight on lunch break with a co-worker as we were driving out she and I had the same thought. We hadn't seen each other to tell each other, but we both had a story of another animal we saw lurking around the building where we work. Last week as I was leaving around midnight and I went around the corner I saw a skunk in the road. Not a dead one, a live one. I stopped and let it get off the road and into the woods before I started back on my journey home. Lord knows I don't want to hit it and have that scent in my car. Well, it seems earlier this week as my co-worker was leaving she was starting for her car and saw the little fellow walking next to her car. As you can understand she said she froze and just watched it. She waited for it to walk past her car and off into the woodland. Good choice. I also have a skunk that comes out in my yard periodically. Other than in a zoo or squashed on the highway I have never seen a skunk around here so I am wondering why all of a sudden they seem to be multiplying in numbers. Either way I will let it live in peace if it lets me live in peace. I then thought I might as well look up some information on the little critters. They can be domesticated to live in the house as pets. OK, I'm thinking no on that one, but it says they can and they can have the scent glands removed. Apparently they can make nice pets. I would love to see the look on someones face if you didn't tell them the first time they are in your house and see a skunk. Then there is the fact that they love to eat Bee's! Yep, probably why they started loving my house and yard. Remember my bee drama last year? They will also eat nuts, berries, rodents, snakes, lizards and moles along with probably about anything else that isn't nailed down per the WEB. Good news is it says they are hesitant to spray because they only carry five to six sprays in their glands and once those are used it takes them about ten days to replace it for use again. Bad news, they are excellent fighters and have very sharp teeth and claws. Don't go running out and grabbing one to test it's ability to spray or fight. Neither sounds like a good option to me. They do have periods of hibernation, but don't sleep the entire winter. They adapt their food to the season and can live on practically anything. They are not related to cats, contrary to popular believe, however their young are called kits and they do have five to six in a litter. Hey guys! Ever wonder why you might be called a low down skunk by some female? Well, these guys give you your reputation seeing as how the male skunk will often mate with up to twelve females in a summer or more. Not to mention that when they hibernate they will often have multiple females and only one male in the nest. Gives a whole new light on it doesn't it? The male skunk also plays no part in raising the kids. Hum... Anyway, I don't actually have pictures of any of the skunks I've seen because I'm not brave or stupid enough to want to go chasing them down for a picture. If you ever do get "skunked" per my dad tomato juice is the only thing bringing that scent off of you. Good luck. I suggest you just avoid them. My little yard skunk will be staying though. I am not about to go out and ask him to move.

Family Traditions and McDonalds

Good old Hank Williams JR speaks of “family tradition” in one of his songs. We all have some semblance of family tradition; whether it is at holidays or just things we’ve come to do. I thank God daily that I am one of those people who embrace tradition rather than scoff at it or try to find ways around. I’m also thankful that I make time for my family. I realize some day perhaps way off, perhaps sooner than I would like, I may not have them around to take advantage of those traditions. This has never been as strong as in the passing of my aunt, two coworkers loosing their parents and another gentleman I know who is getting ready to say goodbye to his dad. I understand and realize that death is as much a part of life as birth, but that doesn’t make it much easier to want to have to deal with. One family tradition for our family has always been McDonalds. Yep, I said it. Simple and not much to it, but when we were growing up it was a big thing. We were a one working parent family and that was dad. Mom stayed home and made sure we had a clean house and clean clothes and someone to be there for us if we needed her. My brother and I had the “June Cleaver” mom of the neighborhood. We really couldn’t have asked for better. All through my childhood Wednesday nights was McDonald’s night. We really looked forward to it to. We rarely ate inside. We often times would sit in the car and have family conversation time. In the summers we would go to a park where we would play after eating. We did have a squirrel that would come up to the car for McDonalds French fries. I remember it vaguely. I think my brother remembers it more clearly. Then as my mom’s mother and a big portion of her brothers and sisters moved into the trailer park around us it got to be an outing with them as well. I remember vividly associating McDonalds with quality family time. Even as we got older and schedules got more hectic we would meet up at McDonalds. Sometimes not even to eat, just to sit and talk, but it was a meeting place. I remember one time, when I was younger and better looking this older guy who had a sketch pad drew a picture of me. Times have changed though. Now we rarely get there. My parents have moved on to loving their buffets. That is a venue I really don’t like. I mean sure you have a lot of choices but it also leads to over eating, where as if you have a plate lunch you pick and choose off your plate what you might eat. Just my opinion though. We also had another family tradition of on our birthdays dad would take us to McDonalds and we got to keep the change from whatever he paid with. I know my brother and his kids like to go to the state street one to play and eat, so he’s kind of started his own little family tradition. I just was thinking to myself how much each and everyone of us should take the time to enjoy these things because some day even the things someone does to annoy us could be missed when they are gone. Again this is only my opinion though.

Calming the Beast Within

First let me state I have done no research, this isn't meant to be health advice in any form or fashion. As in I am not a qualified person to give health advice that is probably a good thing. I am simply telling of my experience. As of late I have had a lot of things weighing on my mind and usually in the past I have always turned to liqueur or food to calm my nerves when things are bothering me. Neither of these would serve to do me any good and I found myself with 5 of my precious lost pounds back on so I knew it was time to stop letting my emotions control me. So I started drinking green tea last week. I drink a lot of it. I basically replaced snack foods and most of my diet soda with either a hot cup or a cold bottle of green tea. What I have found is what I've known from past experience. For whatever reason green tea soothes my nerves and calms me. Doesn't matter whether it's decaf or with caffeine it appears to work either way. It helps me relax and I absolutely love the stuff. I have read a few things before that talk about the healing properties of green tea. I have never spent a lot of time researching it, but what I do know is for whatever reason it works for me. So I thought I would share some of my favorites with you. You see if you don't like the taste of green tea, you can get flavored green tea. I personally love it any way. Natural or flavored, with one exception. I HATE lemon in my green tea. YUCK! I love lemon in diet coke so I tried it in tea and trust me, no comparison. The only place I've found the Lipton Berry mix in bottles is at Kroger's and Scott's. Meijer's and Walmart's need to get a clue and stock it. So for me what calms the beast within for now seams to be green tea and I did take that five pounds back off plus two so I'm happy.

I Wondered Once How Dumb I Could Feel...

This is a picture of my Algebra book from last year. I miss that book. I never thought I would say that, but I do. It made sense. I could see it's potential use. I could understand it and I didn't feel like I was in a foreign country where I couldn't possibly understand the language. The class I am in now is a class called "Function and Modeling... A Preparation for Calculus.". I HATE this class. Not the teacher. She's really cool. The book that they give you for this class though is impossible to understand. At least for me. I have spent the better part of a week trying to understand Horizontal and Vertical Asymptotes and how to find them. I mean I have been given questions like this:

Determine any horizontal and vertical asymptotes of each of the following. Write your asymptotes as equations. Also report any zero's or intercepts. If NONE, state so.

f(x) = (8x^7-32x^5)/(1+x^2)

Vertical: _________
Horizontal: ___________
Zeros: __________
y-Intercept: _________

Anyone understand this crap? I think I have it figured out. I really do, but it has driven me nuts. Needless to say I am counting down the days till May 9Th when I can take the final and bid this class goodbye. I mean this class makes me feel like I have lost all hope of ever knowing anything, which is completely out of my norm. I have never been good at math though, unless it dealt with money. English, Journalism, Philosophy I can do. Math - UGH. Sometimes I wonder why I hang in there. Then I remind myself I am doing this for me. To prove something to myself, no one else. But seriously if you understand this stuff and you want to chime in on an easy way to figure this out. I would love the help. I know you figure the Vertical by using the zero's of the denominator and the largest X's have to do with the horizontal, but this really could drive me insane. Not that it would be that far of a drive. Well, back to my math books.

Found The Rabbit!

My brother was by for dinner tonight and I took a little bit to show him some of the things my schnauzer will do. She really is intelligent. She will pick up her toys, roll over, sit up, shake your hand, pretty much anything I ask her to do. So much so my brother commented on how well behaved she was. She really is special to me. I'm sure all pet owners feel that way. When you don't have children though your pets can become your kids. She's spoiled rotten and actually does have a bunny rabbit that she likes to sleep and play with. So when she asked where that bunny was on Easter, she wasn't looking for Peter Cotton Tail, but rather her good buddy she's use to sleeping with. So there is the cotton tailed story of it all for you.

Sofa Lust... sigh...

On the prowl for a new sofa. Saw this one while window shopping with Joe the other day. Can't get it out of my head now. May have to buckle down and throw caution to the wind and help the economy.

How Do You Steal A House?

I thought my dad was nuts! My dad asked me to go to www.wane.com and look up an article about what he saw on the news. I thought he has to be kidding, but guess what, he wasn't. There is a new low criminals have sunk to. They can actually steal your house right out from under you. Good grief! How you might ask. I have a link here to the article and there is a whole website set up to help protect you. They can forge documents, get your title and take loans out on your home, which you could potentially end up owing or even have your home taken away through foreclosure. If you go to the link below you can read the article, follow it to the website and sign up for a FREE government service to alert you if someone attempts to steal your house. Just thought I would pass this along. I mean who knew?

http://www.wane.com/dpp/news/local_wane_fort_wayne_property_owners_at_risk_for_fraud_200904081612

Happy Easter!

Where is that rabbit?

How Easy It Would Be!

Of all the thoughts that can go through someones mind, I believe we all at one time or another have thought about how easy it would be to do something, whether that something was to just walk away or to give into desire. We've all been there and we've all done it. A couple of years back and even more recently I have caught myself in one of these thoughts. My knowledge that I doubt I would ever succumb to the thought, but scary in my family at best that it is there. Perhaps knowing and having family and an ex with the problem keep me at bay from every following it, but here it is. Outing myself so to speak. I've thought at times how easy it would be when I'm down to numb my world with alcohol. I don't drink that often, but a couple of years back I killed two bottles of wine and a half pint of Southern Comfort all in one night as I sat trying to make sense of things in my world. I Don't agree with alcoholics and I feel badly for them and think they need help, but I definitely can understand why they might be that way. You see while I was drinking, after the alcohol took hold of my mind and made it numb, the pain went away for that little while. For a while it would be OK. Thankfully for me I rarely have ever followed up on that urge an normally those bouts of depression or pain don't usually last long. I can usually pull myself out of the "funk". I just wonder how often people can't though? I mean it's not always easy and I know people who would just give in and try to stay numb. It's no way to live life. I would never want to. It does scare me that the thought has been there before in my mind though. I mean how easy would it be to just give up? Sometimes life isn't easy. I do think people who require alcohol to get through the day need help, but I also understand the feelings that might take one there. I guess my thoughts on this came back to me as I was listening to Adam Lambert's version of "Mad World". Loved his rendition and my bet is he's going to be a big star, but it left me kind of bluesy. Take a listen and let me know what you think?

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/season_8/performances/adam_lambert_mad_world

Yes, Virginia, You Can Turn Right On Red In Indiana

Time for another pet peeve of mine. I know everyone thinks they can drive better than anyone else and heaven forbid we should make fun, but I had two irritations in one day. That just isn't right if the cosmic gods of Carma are listening. The first one was a guy who pulled up to a light in a truck and sat at a light blinking for a right turn. No traffic in site. No postings saying you can't turn on red, yet he set there for the entire time until the light changed to green. Bad thing was he was a Fort Wayne native if the licence plate was correct. Maybe beyond some hope I hoped he was from out of town and driving a friends car, because otherwise in my book he was just an idiot. Then going to work I got behind this guy. He was in the left lane, which at this intersection only goes straight. There is clearly a no left turn sign up right beside the red light but what does this boy genius do? You guessed it as soon as the light turns green he turned left in front of on coming traffic and almost got hit. He probably drove away swearing at the other drivers for their bad driving. I can only imagine the type. Not that I haven't ever done anything wrong, as I barely evaded that speeding ticket today and noted I should lighten up on the foot that is on that peddle, but if you're going to drive you generally take this thing called a drivers test. Written and driven last I knew. If you took it you know that in Indiana you can turn on red unless otherwise posted. U-turns are legal unless otherwise posted. A left turn onto a one way street from a one way street is legal on red. Oh and here is a biggie for you folks that like to take chances.... if the light is turning orange/yellow you are suppose to slow down and try to stop. The only reason you should go through the light is if you can't stop. Here is another fun fact in case you didn't know. It is also legal to go 1/2 block the wrong direction on a one way street. OK, maybe I shouldn't have told you that one. I don't want a million people going out and trying that and getting hurt. I think that one is on the book for extreme cases. I know they still have eating a watermelon in a park in Fort Wayne as being illegal so maybe they just forgot to take that one off the books. Either way, the answer to whether you can turn right on red (You know sitting at a red light, making a right turn.) in the state of Indiana, it is legal unless there is a sign posting it as a big no no. Mystery solved.

A Walk In My Mind.

Today was a rocky road for me. I got up in an OK mood, but events of the day made me feel somewhat anxious. When I get in one of these moods I have a tendency to need someone out of the picture just to talk to, not necessarily about what is going on, but just talk. I need a mental health get away you might say from the picture. So I text messaged a friend and asked him if he wanted to do an impromptu dinner. He did thankfully, even though I'm sure after my rambling on and on as I do when I'm stressed he may be questioning why. I am thankful for the evening though. It helped me to relax. Once I was home and in sweats and doing the laundry though I put on some music from days gone by and pulled out one of my many (and I do mean many) photo albums and took a walk down memory lane. The photo above is of me as you can see on August 27, 1991. My ex, the only one I really count, and I went to the Royal Gorge in Colorado. He was deathly afraid of heights but he managed to get out there to take this photo for me. I got him to walk across, but he wouldn't do it twice so we took the sky trolley back across. If you ask me the bridge had less chance of falling than that thing. Heights don't bother me though. I thought about those times with him and how happy I was and even though things didn't turn out in the fairy tale manor I would never trade those memories for anything. I guess that is just me though. I love my memories even when I've opted to put the person out of my life. Of course the man I knew then wasn't the one who exists today. Not in my opinion anyway.

Along the way I happened along this photo of Joe. Not sure what year exactly. I believe probably 90 or there abouts. I love the eighties hair. No matter what the hair though Joe has always been a very handsome man.
Turning the pages of my albums I found this picture here on the right. The two women are now deceased. The one standing is Avonelle. She was my aunt Sandy's Aunt. The one seated is my aunt Sandy that just passed away on March 30Th and the man is my uncle Ellis. This was at a huge family reunion that was held in a park. There are so many in my family that anything less than a hall or a park for a reunion would never be big enough. I have lots and lots of family. Of course it seems I am losing more of them all the time. I am blessed to have an extended family though in my friends, like Joe, Vincent, Barb, Diane, Chris and Ida to name a few. I am blessed because I believe with all my heart these people care about me. Some of them probably more than some of my aunts and uncles.

This picture on the left is of my Uncles... all but one that is. The second in left wise from the right side of the picture is my dad standing beside my uncle Ellis. The two men in the middle are now deceased. They are my Uncle Roger who died in 2005 and my Uncle Monroe who died on April 16, 2008. Back left is my uncle Ray and front left is my uncle Orbin. Orbin is a very talented musician or at least he use to be. I don't know if he plays anymore. He now has his own church.

The picture here is of my brother walking my first dog, Snickers. Snickers was very high strung. I loved him a lot though. He died on July 5, 2001. I still remember seeing him that day I took him to the vet to have surgery. It was gorgeous outside. He was just sitting there in the grass looking at me. Somehow I knew he wouldn't survive surgery and since he had cancer it was probably the kinder of options. My brother use to walk him all the time on the railroad tracks near the trailer park where I grew up. Yep, I grew up in a trailer park. I didn't lack for anything though. It was a great way of life on so many levels, mostly because I had the idea family. A loving mom and dad and a brother that I absolutely adored and got along great with. And if you look at the next

picture here on the left you will see a picture of my mom and dad walking on Caney Creek in Pippa Passes, Kentucky. I spent a lot of time there as a child. This road has been widened since this photo. So many things no longer look the way they did and so many people we would visit along this road are no longer among the living. Time really does fly by.

Here on the right is a picture of me and my ex sister-in-law. Even though this picture was done in jest when we first met we really didn't like each other very well, but over the years we became really close friends and a lot like sisters.
On the left is my beloved cat Basil in the prime of his life at my apartment I had in Popular Ridge. I had a lot of good times in that apartment and would have probably stayed there if it wasn't for the guy who lived behind me who invited me to a cook out one night at his place. I went and he told me all about my life. When I came, when I went. Who came and left my house and at what hours. He seemed nice enough until that. That was creepy. It was obvious he was watching me and since he lived in the apartment behind mine he had to be doing it on purpose since you couldn't see my place or when I came or went from his place. So I packed and moved out of fear you might say.

So after moving out of that place I moved to the house on Dale Drive. The house that had candles that lit on their own and music boxes that would play for no reason. I have hopefully many more years of memories to make, but looking back mistakes and all I don't think I would change anything. I like who I am now. With the exception I'd like to drop some weight I am happy for the most part. I Believe I am a better person now and a happier person and I have the life I lived to thank for that. I am who I am because of who I was and how I lived. Life's road isn't always easy, but no one promised me it would be. So thank you all that are in my life. Thank my friend for the dinner and conversation of this evening and thanks for the memories that shall always be in my mind as long as the good Lord wills them to be.

Another Quilty Pleasure!

My advice... Run, don't walk to Target and get your Strawberry Milkshake Creme Oreo's. Yummy.. Anyone remember the commercial about potato chips and you can't eat just one. Wow! Love em! You just know though that for whatever reason they won't be popular and they will pull them off the market. Sigh. But for now Target has them. I advice you to run right out and get yours. I did.

Imagine

So I need everyone to read this carefully and give me your personal opinion. I want to you to imagine you are an 8 year old boy who is very sensitive and emotional. You are the type of child that worries and really thinks about what is going on in your life. So your parents are divorced, have been for going on two years. You know as a child that they don't get along. I know on dad's side that he doesn't say things about mom when the kids are around when I'm around. I doubt that mom says anything about dad, but this is a bright kid. He's not stupid by a long shot. There are lots of things for him to worry about right now. He's expressed some of them, some of them he clams up about. The one parent has a significant other. He's expressed on multiple occasions to me that he feels this parent cares more for that significant other than they do him. So he gets an opportunity to partake in a half time or quarter sports event with the team mascot. He's excited and tells his grandparents and me about it. When he gets to the event though he's not sitting with either parent. His dad is with his sister way on the other side. His mother several rows below him. He is with his one parents significant other, whom he likes, because they provided the tickets and apparently got to choose the seating. He's also with one other friend of the significant other sitting on the other side of him. Per one parent he doesn't seem excited at all. At the end of the evening he is not over joyed like you would think. Today he gets in trouble at school. One parent is talking about putting him on medication which is not what he needs, it would just make him a walking zombie. The other parent is upset by this and doesn't want it done. There is no good communication going on between these parents. The child should be the concern. The name calling, the blame game, all the other stuff needs to stop. The parent with custodial parenting is not giving information to the other parent which is making it ten times worse. I know the fear is they will be blamed. To some degree perhaps they would be correct. That isn't the point though. The child should come first. Is it me or was it stupid for the child not to be sitting with at least one parent if not between them on a night that was suppose to be his special night? Am I wrong or is this child acting up because he's emotionally drained and afraid and angry. Angry because he does feel like someone else takes a priority in front of him. Now I know that at least one party reading this will be angry at me, maybe both, but I want some honest feedback. You can email it to me or post a comment. This just truly breaks my heart. I think this child need counseling but I think drugs would be a stupid way to go. Just my opinion.

Happy Birthday Vincent!

A Snowy April Morn?

OK, it's suppose to be April Showers I know, but I don't think it's suppose to be snow showers! I think we all need to gang up and have a little conversation with mother nature. This is what it looked like outside at 3:45AM this morning. Yeah I know because I couldn't sleep and I let the dog out and look what I found. I am so sick of snow for the year, although it was very beautiful to watch it falling. The thing is I thought April showers brought May flowers. I don't think snow is going to help with the flowers thing. Oh, well, I suppose it could be worse. Happy April 6Th everyone!

A Baptist Frame of Mind...

With all this death talk over the last few days and my brother talking about cleaning up his life, it's had me thinking a lot about my own roots. I was raised a "Southern Baptist". For the most part I believe in the ways I was brought up too. Some of the things I don't agree with. Like I surely don't think because I wear slacks I'm destined for hell, but there are those in my family, my mother being one, that have never worn, nor never would wear slacks because they are for men and women just don't do that. I don't know where in the Bible that comes from exactly, but I've had my mom tell me it's in there. Maybe not worded that way, but in there none-the-less. I believe it comes down to an individuals relationship with God. I think it's a one on one thing and only the person and God knows how their relationship is. Do I think I'm a christian? Define it? If you mean do I believe in God and have total faith that His will be done and He can do everything at anytime, then yes. If you mean the baptist definition, uh probably not. Do I know if I'm going to heaven? I doubt anyone knows for certain. I think they would have to have died and been there to know. Can you believe beyond a reasonable doubt, yeah probably. Me? I dunno. I've done a lot of talking with God over the years. I do get up everyday thanking Him for my life. I put my life in His hands and my faith as well. There are things though that I do, that I don't believe in. Bad to say but I do. Do I know if they will take me to hell. No. I mean one thing I believe is that you MUST keep the Sabbath Holy. That means don't go shopping or to restaurants. Why? Because even if you aren't working, if you go to these places you are supporting someone who is profiting off someone else who is working. Do I do this? Yes. Sometimes I feel badly about it, but I do it because it gives me time with family and friends. Time I might not have otherwise. So I guess I have some house cleaning in my life to do. Do I think God would send me to hell for it. Not really. Do I know? No. There are things I agree with in our church, like I do believe you must live your life humbled before God. I believe that you must say in prayer your hearts desire but begin it with Your will be done. I mean just because we pray to God and he doesn't answer the way we want Him to doesn't mean he didn't answer or didn't hear. Just like all good parents He must look at the bigger picture and decide what is best for everyone. That is one of the toughest things I ever had to learn. When my cat Basil died it broke my heart. I bet the devil wanted me to be angry at God for his passing, but what I felt was an over whelming love and peace. I thanked God for all the years He gave me, not for the ones I didn't have. Such I believe it is with people in their daily lives. We should thank God for what is right and what has been right in our lives, not be bitter for what isn't. God gave us freedom of choice. We choose our lives and our paths. So in my Baptist frame of mind I guess I am trying to live my life to the best of my ability and I do hope someday in the far off future I do get to sit with My heavenly Father.

A Day of Rememberence

So I sort of felt I would be remiss if I didn't finish my journey with you. I guess if you're really morbid you may not want to view this particular post, but I have been journaling to include my readers as well as giving myself a type of therapy. In the past my thoughts and emotions as I have lost loved ones have always been kept to myself.

I have found though that I heal much more easily when I don't bottle up those feelings and emotions. As one might expect today was a journey down memory lane. Not just memories of this aunt and uncle, but memories of funerals past. I have been to more than my fair share of funerals over the years. I have watched mothers cry for their children, children cry for their mom's and dads and friends weep at the loss of a

beloved friend. I have weeped with them and for them and sometimes even for myself. I have seen many different types of funerals. Some very emotional, some where emotion wasn't allowed in the room with the body (which I felt a little strange about) and ones that were all inclusive. In the south the way funerals use to be ( I say this because I don't know if they still do it) the bodies were taken to the church house and were never left alone. I believe Jerry Clowers, the comedian, use to have a storey he would tell of these types. I remember when my grandmother Lula died that she was at the Old Baptist church with people sitting up with her all through the night and day until she was laid to rest in the Short Cemetery out on the hill from her home. She joined her daughter and husband a slue of other relatives there. In these services, church service are held the night before with the body there in the church and full church services are held the day of the burial. If you're a friend of mine hold onto your hat because if I had my wish this would be the type of burial I would want. It's a real hell and brimstone type of service, but it's one that draws emotions and helps to heal. It's what I would want, but I have told my parents to do what they wish. I mean the service is for the ones left behind after all. Today I watched as each of my cousins and my uncle dealt with their grief in their own way. Each one's unique, but grief none the less. My uncle looked as if he had suit cases for eyelids where he had cried so much. My cousin April just looked numb with disbelief. My cousin who had said she couldn't stand the though of seeing her mom in the coffin cried and appeared to have the healthiest grip, even though I felt some anger out of her. I suppose I would be angry too. It's a part of grief. My cousin Robbie chose to sit in the back of the church, not up front with his family. I'm unsure of why. I know he loved his mother, but even at the grave he stood in the back separated from the rest. Perhaps his way of attempting to keep it from being so real. Songs were sung. Not an unusual thing for a funeral. One thing that was unusual though was that I was looking at my aunt Arlene and for a moment the thought went through my mind: "Where is uncle Roger?"

It was just brief and it stunned me some as I bit into the reality that he had died over three years earlier. The drive to the cemetery seemed long. It was nice to see people who still knew how to respect the situation though. It's considered an act of respect for cars coming in the opposite direction to pull over and stop while the funeral procession passes. I think most people either lack respect here in Fort Wayne or are unaccustomed because I rarely see it here, but there were tons of them that did it in Corona. As we pulled into the cemetery we were quite a few cars back and my brother was a pawl barrier so he jumped out and took off to meet the hearses. My poor brother. I asked him how many times he had been a pawl barrier today and he replied with too many times to count. I believe it too. After a while if you let it, it can really bog down your mind. I mean how many people I knew that are no longer here. No longer within my grasp to speak with or see. Graveside was short and to the point. Flowers were given and just like that a life was passed from the ones that loved here to the Father in heaven. At least I hope my aunt Sandy made it to heaven. I'm not sure I know. There are people I'm fairly certain have. My grandmother, My aunt Ruth, my Uncle Roger to name a few. I know that as awful as this whole thing has been, it also was a good thing to see family I hadn't seen in years. One cousin I hadn't seen since we were little. One I use to baby sit for and she has such a loving nature. Distant cousins, aunts, uncles were all saying the same thing: "Why is it we only seem to get together for funerals?" Society is so busy these days. Somehow I think we've all forgotten that time with family and friends is more precious than any movie, any game, any musical or even job we may have scheduled. Time is fleeting and few. I remember playing with my aunt. We played kickball in a field out from my house prior to her marrying my uncle. Then when she had her first baby at thirteen we played dress up with her baby. She was just a kid herself. This is the final chapter to the saga though on my aunt Sandy. I thank all of you that sent me wishes of sympathy. May God smile on you all and give you many more years with those you love.

Go Rest High, on that mountain, go as high as you can go, Go to heaven a shouting.......