Life Can Change On A Dime - Rob Hogg

Life can change on a dime. It’s funny how a year can affect you so much more than any other year. Strange how a man can come into your life in such a whirl wind and leave in an even bigger one. Rob Hogg had definitely done that in my life. A chance he had said. I’m glad I took a chance and requested to be your friend. To tell you the truth I barely remember Rob from high school. He was two grades behind me and I didn’t particularly hold any nostalgia for the high school years. It wasn’t a happy time of my life. My grandmothers both passed away and I had my own demons I was fighting with an eating disorder. Teenagers often have eating issues. I was bone thin by the end of high school and still pretty much unhappy. I had an incorrect vision of what life should be. I say incorrect because it’s never really wrong. I mean what I expected was setup through unreal expectations that demons and evil didn’t exists and that one can find someone and live happily ever after. Rob became a very dear friend. He would yahoo message with me when he would get up and all through the evening till I went to bed. He would send me text messages and he would call nightly just to see how my day was. I told him when he asked if we could be more than friends I wasn’t sure. We live too far apart and at the time all I am feeling is friendship, but that I was willing to give it a try and get to know him. I did get to know him too and I loved him. He had become one of my best friends and always offered comfort and support. Could we have become more someday? I will never know. He and I spent hours playing Yahoo Spades and Euchre or listening to television shows together and laughing. I went out to see him back in the fall and he showed me Houston through his eyes. He also showed me Galveston. I think then I was charmed by him almost as much as he was by me. He was a big kid in a grown mans body. I had told him how much I love Road Runner, Bugs bunny, Tweety and all the old cartoons so he had made sure to buy some of those for me to watch. He took me to the Houston Zoo and insisted we see everything and that I have a souvenir to take back with me. He showed me the malls and the shopping and took me to get a view of the waters and coastline. He showed me where he worked and where all the good eating places were and he remembered everything about anything I had talked to him about food. He made sure we went for Chinese and sushi. All the time I was there he never pressured me to be more than a friend. He talked to me about Carrie the woman he’d loved and lost in 2006. He introduced me to his three cats that he loved more than life. Scotty was a long haired grey tabby who pretty much was love me or leave me type of fellow. There was BC who had a scared ear that turned back on the corner but really wanted nothing to do with anyone except Rob. BC was really named Butter cup, but had been named that before they figured out he was a boy so Rob respectfully called him BC. Then there was Rupert. Rupert was half the age of the other two, but twice their size and was a domestic short hair black and white. I loved that cat. He had so much personality. I told Rob I would have taken him in a heartbeat. He told me how Rupert was Carriers Cat. Carrie had wanted one of her own and Rob being the big teddy bear that he was couldn’t deny her. Sadly Carrie died while Rupert was still a kitten. He told me of how hard it had been going to work that night and kissing Carrie and telling her he’d see her in the morning, only to come home and find her sitting in the same place cold as ice. His living room didn’t looked like he’d moved a thing or used it at all since she had left him. During that time he told me all about his family. His estranged mother although he wished she were in his life and he loved her he wouldn’t force her to be where she didn’t want to be. He told me of the dad he wished would be proud of him, but that he also loved. He mostly told me of his brother and his brothers family. He so wanted what his brother had. What he saw when he looked at them was love and family the way he thought it should be. His brother and his brothers wife’s relationship and even their kids which Rob loved each and everyone with all his heart. He knew it wasn't perfect because no family or relationship is, but of all things I would never doubt it’s that Rob would have given his life and all he owned for his brother and his brothers family. I loved my couple of days out in Houston with Rob. He was getting healthy or appeared to be and seemed to do well. He looked good and his skin was warm the way it should be to the touch. He had taken a bad spell just a month before I was out there and had spent a week in the hospital but he seemed to be getting past that. He was also so looking forward to seeing the family over the holidays. He was coming for 9 days from the 21^st of December to the 1^st of January and he wanted to experience all of his family he could while he was in Fort Wayne. He sounded happy and I was happy for him. Rob ran into some bad luck before coming to Fort Wayne for the holidays. His place was robbed and he missed several days of work. Along with this he went to get his license renewed and couldn’t until he got glasses which cut into his funds for his travels. He started stressing and talked to me about it. His plans were all made and there was no way of getting refunds for the trip since it was too late, but he didn’t want to anyway because he needed to see his family. It was what had kept him going for months. I assured him I would feed him while he was here and help in any way I could. Work also stressed him out as the “dragon lady” at his job had it out for him and started making a big deal about his missing work and paper work all of which wasn’t his fault. I mean who plans to get robbed? I assured him though that it would all work out and talked him into trying to enjoy his trip and not stress so much. When he arrived at my house in Fort Wayne he looked very pale and tired to me. He said it was from all the work and stress he had been under. I told him he needed to relax. He smiled and said he would try and take my advice and not worry. He and I set about getting the week all planned. Of the things we had lined out he had a day with his dad and his dads wife, a family dinner with my family and with his brother and her wife, a game day that he couldn’t wait for (tradition), a night with old friends at a friends bar and grille and a New Years party with me at my friend Joe’s house to ring in the new year. Everything else we would do on a whim or as it came. While he was here we had a great time. We went to the mall and a book store. We saw a movie and watched television. I didn’t know people were still mining for gold, but I guess I do now. I made him my infamous Pizza Casserole which he ate on three different nights while he was here. (I did offer to make him other stuff, it’s what he wanted) I made him cookies and cooked a roast. All the while him watching or offering to help and talking about his life or asking questions about mine. I learned a lot, but what I learned more than anything is that although Rob’s life had dealt him a lot of tough blows, he had never once allowed them to beat him down. He was working on a degree online to accompany the one he all ready had. He had plans and dreams and hopes. He talked about how he would love to work on a cruise ship some day and told me he was going to hold me to my promise that I would go on a cruise with him next year if he could manage to get us on one. He would often take my hand or touch my cheek with the back of his hand. This time his skin wasn’t warm. Most often his skin was cold and moist. He sweated a lot and he looked so tired and frail to me. I worried about him. I told him I did but he would have none of it. He just kept telling me he was fine. He talked more about funds. The trip would hit him hard financially but he would bounce back he said. He laughed and said one never knew if it would be their last so they had to take the opportunity to see family when they could. He wanted to come back in June, but didn’t know if he would be able to make it or not. Rob had wanted to go see the lights at the zoo, but somehow we never made it down there. I told him next year, now he won’t be with us next year to see them. You see life can change on a dime. Wednesday, January 4^Th I had my last conversation with Rob. He text me as he always did and asked if I was home yet from work, then he called me. We talked for about 45 minutes. He was stressing out really bad. Work had sent him to a new site and he wasn’t sure if his ¾ of a tank of gas would last him until the 17^Th because it was a lot farther away. His Internet wasn’t connected yet and he needed to get school work done and he had an argument with his dad. He was wound tight I could tell. I talked and talked to him though and told him that it will all work out. He was laughing when we hung up and said I was right, he knew I was that it would all work.out. He told me he was going to take a nap. He had to be to work at 10, which is 11 my time so he had a little time. He told me “I’ll call you tomorrow baby and let you know how it went. Kisses n hugs.” As I went to bed that night as always I included him in my prayers when I went to bed. The Lord probably gets tired listening because I always include everyone I think needs it and all those I love. It takes a little time but I say them nightly. It’s hard not to be angry on some level because I asked the Lord to watch over him. I guess I didn’t include a “don’t” let him die in that statement, but I thought it was self explanatory. The Lord has his own reasoning for taking Rob from us though it may be hard for us all to understand. Perhaps he knew Rob’s journey had been hard and he needed rest. Perhaps he knew Rob really needed to be with Carrie again. I’m not really sure what the reason. I just know when I was awakened by the phone ringing at 1:45A.M. on Thursday morning I wasn’t prepared for what the call entailed. It was Rob’s number. I almost didn’t answer. I thought I would just call him back in the morning but then I thought he knows I’m asleep so why is he calling. A million things went through my mind. He might be in the hospital again or maybe he was fired or in an accident, so I answered the phone. The woman on the other end of the line said “Hi, this is Candace and I have Rob’s cell phone. I’m his boss.” She kind of stopped there. I asked her why she had Rob’s phone. She goes who are you in relation to Rob. I thought it a prank at this point. I wasn’t sure what to think. I said I’m a friend he came to see over the holidays along with his dad and brother and again I asked why she had Rob’s cell phone. She goes well I hate to tell you this but Rob collapsed at work tonight and was taken to (she named some hospital off). I sighed a little because I thought taken to the hospital OK. Then she says I’m so sorry to tell you that they are saying he’s clinically dead. I think my own heart stopped for a moment at that point. I remember saying “What?” I remember asking her if she was sure and she said well I’m on my way to the hospital now to confirm it. Little did I know this was the Bi*** that had given Rob so much grief or our conversation might have gone so much worse that it did. She then asked me about his family and I told her I would call Rob’s brother and have him call her. It took me several tries to get his brother to answer, but he was just as shocked as I was when he answered the phone. About an hour after that I called Candace back. I told her someone would have to take care of Rob’s cats that they would need fed and she assured me she would take care of it. I very shakily through my tears asked her if she had confirmed Rob was dead and she said sadly yes he was and that she was so sorry for my loss and that if I needed anything to let her know. People always say that and although it’s kind what could one possibly need? Comfort I suppose. I suppose you could need someone to listen maybe too. I had family and friends for that though. I let a few of Rob’s friends I knew were awake know by calling or texting. I put a message out on Face book. I was numb. I was in a state of shock and disbelieve. He couldn’t be dead. He had just been here and he promised to call me tomorrow. He also bet me on every single game IU had this season. So far I had only lost once. He was suppose to come back to see me again. He couldn’t be gone. Suddenly he was everywhere in my house. I could see him sitting in the chair or helping himself to a water out of my refrigerator. I could see him at the sink drying dishes although I told him to sit down and relax. I could hear his words of encouragement that my test would come back OK in April and if they didn’t he was here for me. I was confused and lost at that moment. Rob was good for me and my ego you could say. He continually told me how beautiful I was and how any man who could not see my inner and outer beauty was an idiot. I’d tell him I need to lose weight and he’d say “you’re perfect just the way you are baby.” He was always there to make me smile no matter how bad my day was and no matter how I might worry about him he assured me he was more concerned for me. It isn’t fair to me. You see life can turn on a dime. He should still be here. He should be happy and smiling and healthy. He had a heart of gold and he will be missed so much by so many. I’m still having trouble adjusting to the idea of him never calling me again. Life can turn on a dime so don’t take one minute for granted. Rest in Peace Rob and know you will never be forgotten. I thank God I got to know you as well as I did. I don’t forget those who touch my heart even briefly. You will be thought of daily and held in my heart where you belong.

What Makes A Friend A Friend?

I’ve been blessed in my life to have some of the most wonderful friends, who not only care for me, but will go above and beyond for me. They are in essence my family of my own making. I have family members that I love and care a lot about, but I am not close with very many of them. Some of this is due to distance and some of it is due to busy lives and never taking the time. Then I suppose there are those that just don’t give a damn about me. Blood makes us family by blood. We can choose to grow that bond strong, as my brother and I have, or we can choose to just see it as what it is, blood. To me though family is someone who is in your heart and on your mind and they are the people you want to see happy and healthy. Not that you don’t want everyone happy and healthy, but your self imposed family is one that you worry about. So what makes a friend a friend? I believe a true friend is one that won’t say things intentionally to hurt your feelings, but won’t lie to you if asked a direct question. I believe they are there for you if your car breaks down or if they can’t be they call around until someone is or call you a cab and send it your way, but they make sure they are there for you. I believe a friend is someone you laugh with and someone you cry with. I believe they are a person who will give advice yet respect your decision not to listen to it. They will love you even when they know you are dating the world’s biggest loser and rejoice when you are dating a saint. They will watch you melt down and go insane yet will stay steady by your side. (True they may put you in a straight jacket, but hey…) A true friend will not betray you intentionally. (We all slip from time to time) They will not get angry at your other friend choices even if they don’t agree you should be friends with them. They will not judge you, even when they think you’re nuts. They will bail you out if they can and if they can’t they will visit you in jail. (Hopefully I never have to test that one.) A friend sits with you when you’re sick and makes you chicken soup. They try to make you laugh when you’re sad and they are always sympathetic to your mood even when they want to slap you silly. I am blessed because most people are lucky I they ever find one fiend this way. I have several. You all mean the world to me. Your cheering me on during my weight loss and listening to my ramblings as I am getting ready to start my third year of blogging have meant the world to me. I started this blog on July 14, 2008 at the suggestion of one of these very special friends. I have received an over whelming amount of emails and comments and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I’m glad I didn’t ignore his advice on that one. I am honest so there is nothing I have put in my blog I would ever hide, even though I probably don’t want my parents reading it. They have a hard enough time understanding me and accepting how different from them I am. So again I thank my friends and my readers and I welcome all emails or comments. If I don’t always post your comments sometimes I find them very personal and am selfish and don’t share. So what makes a friend a friend to you?

Happy Birthday Joe!

Reality Bites!

Reality bites. This has been a tough week for me. A friend of mine took his own life to start my week out. I made a financial error to go to a second mistake and then today I got a ticket. Sometimes life just likes to throw you one curve ball after another. You know I bet the Cubs are use to them by now, but I’m not quiet there. Yesterday was a big day of reflection. I mean I’ve had a lot of hard life decisions to make lately. Not that this isn’t a part of every day life, but it can really leave you feeling a little down in the dumps. Thank God I have a wonderful group of friends that support me at every turn and even listen to me ramble or text as I try to rationalize decisions that I know are correct, but really don’t want to face. All in all I understand why my friend took his life. He was battling cancer for the second time, this time stage four, no reprieve. I’m not sure how I feel about it on religious grounds or even from the fact that I will miss him dearly, but I do understand what drove him there. As for the financial error, my mind has been elsewhere and it’s not like it’s something that is going to kill me. For the ticket, well yeah I deserved it so I can’t even be angry at the polite young police officer who went out of his way to make sure I knew he was just doing his job and to say thank you and please. Someone taught him manors. Something a lot of people don’t have anymore. So once again I find myself just wanting to say thank you to the group of friends that listen to me go on and on. Thanks for being my sounding board and reaffirming that the decision I made was the correct one and that the feelings I’m having are normal. I think of you as family. A family I’ve chosen and I love you all lots. But I still think the reality of this week bites.

Bandidos’ Where Everybody Knows Your Name…

Everyone remember “Cheers”? I use to love watching that show and I actually caught a couple of reruns this past weekend. As I was watching I couldn’t help but laugh as I made a mental reference in my mind to Norm (The beer loving guy that everyone called out his name when he entered the bar.) and my friend Tom. When I think of Bandidos’ NORTHCREST, I think of Tom. I could easily see a sitcom around the bar there to and for the most part everyone who goes to this Bandidos’ knows Tom. Tom is the General Manager over there and from what I can tell a lot of the clientele in that store comes there just for his friendly smile and conversation. I like to drag my friends out there for a little friendly conversation of my own. So this weekend as I was pondering, “What do you do when you have a four day weekend?” I started off right away with a trip to Bandidos to relax and enjoy the atmosphere, the wonderful chips and salsa and of course $5 pitchers of Margarita’s. It doesn’t hurt that I once worked there and have extremely found memories, but even if I hadn’t I like the atmosphere, the food and the staff. So as I stated on Friday my friends Joe, Brad & Vincent all took up residence in the bar for a couple of hours laughing and having a good time. I highly recommend it and will gladly join anyone there who wants to go whenever I am not at work. Just give me a shout out and I’ll be on my way. For the most part the staff there pretty much knows my name, meaning I may have been there more than I should have at this point. So why not go where everybody knows my name? Head on out to a Bandidos near you soon, but if you don’t go to the NORTHCREST one you’re really missing out.

An Acquired Taste...

I suppose one might say that I am an acquired taste. At least this is what I have been told. My nature is one that is extremely blatant in nature. I don’t like to hurt people and would never intentionally try, unless they were attempting to hurt me, but I am afraid that sometimes my unencumbered shamelessness and my straight talk can come off a bit aloof. I recently went to a party at a very expensive home. Now I loved the house and I enjoyed the company of the occupants. I am very happy for them that they are doing so well and can live so comfortably. For anyone who knows me though, you know I don’t judge people for what they do or don’t have. I have friends from all walks of life and I like to look at what is inside a person, not at what is on the outside. As long as I have enough money to pay my bills I am happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be wealthy just like anyone else. It’s just that I know money doesn’t buy happiness and it’s something I can take or leave. So at this party I was myself. I’m sure to some of the party goer’s delight (at least that is what they told me) and to some of their dismay. I like to have fun and I will joke or tease about anything. I like to think of myself as a free spirit. I wasn’t always this way. Years gone by I would have been the shy girl in the corner. I would have been the one who would have clung to the host because I knew him and no one else. I would never have dreamed of talking so easily to people I had never met. I’ve lived a lot in my forty-two years though and I’ve learned life is short. Way to short to care what others think of you for being who you are. Truth is I know with my inhibitions I could probably make a priest blush. It took me a long time to get that comfortable with myself. So at this party I went to I was me completely. I met a lot of great people there. I loved most of them to pieces for the most part. They were warm and welcoming and laughed and talked, all but one. Now I still have nothing against this one; however, anyone who knows me knows you don’t attack my friends and you don’t try to make me feel like I should bow down to an alter in front of you because you feel you’re better than me. It’s like cornering a wild animal. If you do it, my friends will attest you better buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. So, as you can imagine this person did both of these things, not just one. Can you imagine someone you’ve seen maybe a dozen times in your life and haven’t seen for over a decade, someone who was never involved in your life and was never your friend picking apart what you do for a living? What about imagining this person pounding you with questions about a friend and that friend’s daughter? What if they go one step further and not only try to drill you with questions but make snide nasty remarks about those people? Would you stand there and take it? I’m guessing a few would stop to consider the person is close to the hosts. I maybe should have, but it’s just not in me. My first instinct is to strike out and let that person know I don’t feel they are in any form or fashion any better than I and that I don’t appreciate their attack on my demeanor, my style or my friends. Looking back I probably just should have ignored them, but then where is the fun in that? It got me to thinking about something I always think about though. Why is it that some people so judgmental based on looks and money and power? Some of my favorite people in the whole world have no money or power and to me the better looking a person is on the inside the better they look outside. I guess I should stop wondering, after all I have been blessed with a multitude of friends who love me just the way I am. They don’t try to change me and they definitely don’t require that I have a ton of money and a proper attitude. So once again I will tell all my family and friends how blessed I am to have you over this holiday season. My family and friends are what give me hope, make me laugh and help me to appreciate life. I understand sometimes its not easy being my friend, but I love you for it. I do understand that after all I really am an acquired taste on so many levels. Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas!

A Year Tomorrow....

.................................. May 1988 - June 21, 2008............................

Yes, I'm going to be a crazy cat lady and pay respect to my beloved cat Basil. Tomorrow will be a year since he passed away. I still miss him and I still catch myself expecting him to be in places where he isn't anymore. I know I know I'm delusional or something but I have that purring sound in my bathroom again. It started about two weeks ago. Basil use to sit on the edge of the tub and watch me wash my face or do miscellaneous things. His purr was always so loud I was sure it would cause him to fall off the tubs edge. Last year when I heard it I had bees and took it as his warning me so this time when I first heard it I took a flashlight and went out hunting for bees around my ceiling. Didn't find any. I'm unsure of why the sound is back. Perhaps Basil just wanted to make sure I remembered him or maybe them dog gone bees will be reappearing. Either way there is no way I would have forgotten such a wonderful friend as Basil, but seeing as tomorrow is "Dad's" day, I thought I might want to post a little something more upbeat tomorrow. So a year tomorrow around four in the afternoon I'll stop for a brief moment and pay my respects to such a wonderful friend that I still miss.

Wii

Until tonight, Friday night that is, I had never once actually played any of the Wii system games. I had watched other people but I had never actually participated. To tell you the truth I wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. Then the other day on Ellen I saw a fitness package that you can buy to work with this system and I thought that looks like a good way to exercise and have some fun all at the same time. Well tonight at my friend Vincents house I got the opportunity to play some of the games for the first time and that is it. I'm hooked. I want one. I loved it and for those that don't know I am highly competitive when it comes to doing things like this. There is no sitting on the sofa for me and just going through the motions. I'm up and I'm moving and I'm extremely vocal. I like getting my head into the game and going through all he motions of reacting as if you are actually there. Below is a picture from the scores from my bowling match. I am the pink female and as you can see I got pretty lucky at bowling. There is no way I could bowl that high a score in a real bowling alley though. It was a heck of a lot of fun though. Have you tried out the Wii? What are your favorite games?

Spring Fever and Fear.

I love spring and summer. I look forward to it all winter long. It's a time when I feel the most alive and I can actually get outside and do things. If it weren't for my family and job being here I would be somewhere warm that I could do that all year round. There is nothing quiet like a spring day with a slight breeze and sitting out on your patio or porch. Yet the past three of four years either a family member, friend of beloved pet (sometimes one of each) have died. I guess it comes with the fact that most of my family is at "that age". You know the one where they start dying off one by one. I'm not ready for it though. I already know about as many dead people as I do living and I don't really think that is a good thing considering I'll be only Forty-two years of age on June 27Th. For now though I will count my blessings for my wonderful family and my many great friends. I am very blessed on so many levels that I can't count them. I suppose having known so many people who have died has given me some perspective. I mean I don't have a tendency to take life for granted. I don't put work and a job above my family and friends and I know somewhere in the future when I die I hope God calls me home. I really don't like the other option too much. Spring is here though and I am hoping you will pray for me and I will pray that I finally have four years of not, will make it through this spring and summer and fall without another person or beloved friend of pet leaving my life.

A Walk In My Mind.

Today was a rocky road for me. I got up in an OK mood, but events of the day made me feel somewhat anxious. When I get in one of these moods I have a tendency to need someone out of the picture just to talk to, not necessarily about what is going on, but just talk. I need a mental health get away you might say from the picture. So I text messaged a friend and asked him if he wanted to do an impromptu dinner. He did thankfully, even though I'm sure after my rambling on and on as I do when I'm stressed he may be questioning why. I am thankful for the evening though. It helped me to relax. Once I was home and in sweats and doing the laundry though I put on some music from days gone by and pulled out one of my many (and I do mean many) photo albums and took a walk down memory lane. The photo above is of me as you can see on August 27, 1991. My ex, the only one I really count, and I went to the Royal Gorge in Colorado. He was deathly afraid of heights but he managed to get out there to take this photo for me. I got him to walk across, but he wouldn't do it twice so we took the sky trolley back across. If you ask me the bridge had less chance of falling than that thing. Heights don't bother me though. I thought about those times with him and how happy I was and even though things didn't turn out in the fairy tale manor I would never trade those memories for anything. I guess that is just me though. I love my memories even when I've opted to put the person out of my life. Of course the man I knew then wasn't the one who exists today. Not in my opinion anyway.

Along the way I happened along this photo of Joe. Not sure what year exactly. I believe probably 90 or there abouts. I love the eighties hair. No matter what the hair though Joe has always been a very handsome man.
Turning the pages of my albums I found this picture here on the right. The two women are now deceased. The one standing is Avonelle. She was my aunt Sandy's Aunt. The one seated is my aunt Sandy that just passed away on March 30Th and the man is my uncle Ellis. This was at a huge family reunion that was held in a park. There are so many in my family that anything less than a hall or a park for a reunion would never be big enough. I have lots and lots of family. Of course it seems I am losing more of them all the time. I am blessed to have an extended family though in my friends, like Joe, Vincent, Barb, Diane, Chris and Ida to name a few. I am blessed because I believe with all my heart these people care about me. Some of them probably more than some of my aunts and uncles.

This picture on the left is of my Uncles... all but one that is. The second in left wise from the right side of the picture is my dad standing beside my uncle Ellis. The two men in the middle are now deceased. They are my Uncle Roger who died in 2005 and my Uncle Monroe who died on April 16, 2008. Back left is my uncle Ray and front left is my uncle Orbin. Orbin is a very talented musician or at least he use to be. I don't know if he plays anymore. He now has his own church.

The picture here is of my brother walking my first dog, Snickers. Snickers was very high strung. I loved him a lot though. He died on July 5, 2001. I still remember seeing him that day I took him to the vet to have surgery. It was gorgeous outside. He was just sitting there in the grass looking at me. Somehow I knew he wouldn't survive surgery and since he had cancer it was probably the kinder of options. My brother use to walk him all the time on the railroad tracks near the trailer park where I grew up. Yep, I grew up in a trailer park. I didn't lack for anything though. It was a great way of life on so many levels, mostly because I had the idea family. A loving mom and dad and a brother that I absolutely adored and got along great with. And if you look at the next

picture here on the left you will see a picture of my mom and dad walking on Caney Creek in Pippa Passes, Kentucky. I spent a lot of time there as a child. This road has been widened since this photo. So many things no longer look the way they did and so many people we would visit along this road are no longer among the living. Time really does fly by.

Here on the right is a picture of me and my ex sister-in-law. Even though this picture was done in jest when we first met we really didn't like each other very well, but over the years we became really close friends and a lot like sisters.
On the left is my beloved cat Basil in the prime of his life at my apartment I had in Popular Ridge. I had a lot of good times in that apartment and would have probably stayed there if it wasn't for the guy who lived behind me who invited me to a cook out one night at his place. I went and he told me all about my life. When I came, when I went. Who came and left my house and at what hours. He seemed nice enough until that. That was creepy. It was obvious he was watching me and since he lived in the apartment behind mine he had to be doing it on purpose since you couldn't see my place or when I came or went from his place. So I packed and moved out of fear you might say.

So after moving out of that place I moved to the house on Dale Drive. The house that had candles that lit on their own and music boxes that would play for no reason. I have hopefully many more years of memories to make, but looking back mistakes and all I don't think I would change anything. I like who I am now. With the exception I'd like to drop some weight I am happy for the most part. I Believe I am a better person now and a happier person and I have the life I lived to thank for that. I am who I am because of who I was and how I lived. Life's road isn't always easy, but no one promised me it would be. So thank you all that are in my life. Thank my friend for the dinner and conversation of this evening and thanks for the memories that shall always be in my mind as long as the good Lord wills them to be.

Imagine

So I need everyone to read this carefully and give me your personal opinion. I want to you to imagine you are an 8 year old boy who is very sensitive and emotional. You are the type of child that worries and really thinks about what is going on in your life. So your parents are divorced, have been for going on two years. You know as a child that they don't get along. I know on dad's side that he doesn't say things about mom when the kids are around when I'm around. I doubt that mom says anything about dad, but this is a bright kid. He's not stupid by a long shot. There are lots of things for him to worry about right now. He's expressed some of them, some of them he clams up about. The one parent has a significant other. He's expressed on multiple occasions to me that he feels this parent cares more for that significant other than they do him. So he gets an opportunity to partake in a half time or quarter sports event with the team mascot. He's excited and tells his grandparents and me about it. When he gets to the event though he's not sitting with either parent. His dad is with his sister way on the other side. His mother several rows below him. He is with his one parents significant other, whom he likes, because they provided the tickets and apparently got to choose the seating. He's also with one other friend of the significant other sitting on the other side of him. Per one parent he doesn't seem excited at all. At the end of the evening he is not over joyed like you would think. Today he gets in trouble at school. One parent is talking about putting him on medication which is not what he needs, it would just make him a walking zombie. The other parent is upset by this and doesn't want it done. There is no good communication going on between these parents. The child should be the concern. The name calling, the blame game, all the other stuff needs to stop. The parent with custodial parenting is not giving information to the other parent which is making it ten times worse. I know the fear is they will be blamed. To some degree perhaps they would be correct. That isn't the point though. The child should come first. Is it me or was it stupid for the child not to be sitting with at least one parent if not between them on a night that was suppose to be his special night? Am I wrong or is this child acting up because he's emotionally drained and afraid and angry. Angry because he does feel like someone else takes a priority in front of him. Now I know that at least one party reading this will be angry at me, maybe both, but I want some honest feedback. You can email it to me or post a comment. This just truly breaks my heart. I think this child need counseling but I think drugs would be a stupid way to go. Just my opinion.

Happy Birthday Vincent!

Happy Birthday Joe!!!!

Some people just get better with time. Happy 29th!!!! ;?)

Cake photo courtesey of: http://www.carolynssweettooth.com/index.htm

Happy Birthday Ritchie & Chris!

Today, January 21st, is both my best friend - Chris, and my brother - Ritchie's birthdays. They are both very special to me. Sorry this is so late in the day, but it's been a very busy day. Love you both.

Sweet Sixteen & Sixty-Six

December 29, 1992

Happy Birthday Natasha & Mom! You are both very special to me. Natasha: I remember holding you shortly after you were born. You were a beautiful baby and you're turning into a beautiful young lady. I may not see you often and I may not be the best at remembering anymore to send cards and things, but you and your mother are thought of often. I love you very much. I hope your birthday is wonderful and brings you the things you desire most. You were born on my mothers fiftieth birthday. You are the twinkle in your mom's eye and I can tell you that you are the first and most important thing in her heart. May God Bless you. Happy Birthday again.

Love, Aunt Sheila
December 29, 1942

Keeping Watch

During my time of recovery I have barely gotten out of bed for anything. I want to heal to the best of my ability and I don't want to risk anything going wrong. So I have gone from bedroom to sofa in the living room pretty much. I have on a couple of occasions went next door and used the recliner in my parents living room, but other than that it's been pretty much laying around, maybe watching TV, reading a little or surfing the web. That is when I'm awake. I have sufficiently since Friday mastered the art of the thirty minute nap. During all this time my dog has barely left my side. This picture is of her laying at my feet on the sofa; however, the first day and second day I was home she would lay right beside me just as close as she could get. My dad said she was worried about me. He came over to check on me several times, often I was asleep and he said she wouldn't budge. She was right by my side. As I said before I have had a marvelous support system of family and friends. This also goes for my beloved pets who have stayed right there with me the whole time as well. I believe a good support system is the key to getting through anything in life. If you have supportive friends and family there isn't anything you can't get through. So I'm thankful for this. I'm also thankful that all I had to have done was a little surgery on my sinus's. My friend Anna is in New York right now at a hospital that specializes in Cancer treatment. She underwent on the day before my surgery, the 11Th, a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and she is currently in the process of recovering from that. If all goes well she will be released from the hospital tomorrow but still won't get to come home to Fort Wayne. She has to go back for more test and such next week. At least her family will all be with her no matter where she is on the holidays. They are there with her. They say one in eight women will have breast cancer. This means that all of us will probably have it affect our life at some point. I pray for her and her family and I pray that she will get through this to see her three beautiful children grow into loving adults. She has a website set up with updates. I know some of you know her so if you want the address let me know. Those who don't if you have a little extra prayer left in you her family could use it. Again, Thanks for everything and Happy Holidays.

Thinking Outside The Box

I know some of you may be getting tired of my reflection on my life; however, my blog, my reflection. My friend Joe is probably smiling at that right now. In this moment in my life I need for whatever reason to reflect. Perhaps that is because I have never felt more human or more vulnerable than I have this year. I know the surgery I'm going to have coming up is common and done often enough that my surgeon is confident that I probably won't even have any bruising on the outside for anyone to see. That doesn't mean I won't have pain, but you won't be able to see the bruises. How ironic is that, that this surgery could be a metaphor for life? I mean we all have scars. Some hidden in our inner emotions. Some scars we share with family and friends. Some scars we wear on our sleeves, but there isn't a one of us out there that doesn't carry a little emotional baggage that we have never shared with anyone outside of perhaps God. The fact that my surgery is common doesn't make it any less scary or any less an item of concern for me that I may not see a tomorrow. I guess none of us are promised that. Today, as I was working on getting my house in order before my surgery, since I won't feel like it while I'm off, I found amusement in some of the things I was cleaning and going through. I remembered a friend telling me once that I was really easy to shop for because I really had no "style" to speak of in design in my house. I thought how right he was and yet how wrong he was. You see I don't have a style of contemporary or country or anything like that. He was correct about anything would fit in my house. My style though is to surround myself with pictures of family and friends. I surround myself with items that give me comfort in the memories they carry. On my wall you will find a picture my aunt Gertie gave me. It's one of kittens in drawers. It probably has no place being on my living room wall, but it is chalked so full of memories of times spent at her home growing up. It hung in her back room and I always loved it. She gave it to me a few years back. There is a trinket box from my Aunt Anna grace that sits on the shelve above my television. There is a globe with yellow roses (my favorite) that my brother gave me when we were kids that sits on a rack of Cd's. There is a flower that sits in my living room from my friend Chris that she sent me when I lost "Snickers" after thirteen years of companionship. There is a vase that I have placed "fake" flowers in, but the card is from flowers bought for me on my last surgery. There is a two dollar bill with a bunny rabbit on it that I bought for my uncle Roger with whom I had a special connection. My aunt gave it back to me after he died to remember him by. It sits on the shelf in my living room as well. The list goes on and on. So to me it doesn't matter that it isn't a style that could be in a magazine or that items might clash. There isn't one item that doesn't hold some memory. Even the assortment of candles that I have (I love candles and burn them often) have some bond or memory attached. I have a tendency to love wholly and for life; although as I have said in the past, sometimes we can love someone and still not be able to have them in our life. This is the reason that in my living room you will also find a teddy bear from my ex. From the one man I loved with all my heart, but couldn't deal with his drinking or lying. The memory of how sweet he was that day he gave me that bear and how sincere that one moment was holds a place in my heart forever. As well as the many items I display I have a ton I keep in boxes. Items of poetry, or letters. I know we keep our memories in our hearts and with us always, but I'm a keeper of emotional items as well. Along with this mismatch of items due to my emotional luggage there is the fact that I will often use items for something that they were not really designed for. I'm an out of the box thinker and you just really never know what you're going to find me using an item for. My bread box on my kitchen counter is a container for my quick meals in case I have to eat on the run. My canister set, which I know is suppose to be on a counter in the kitchen, is on the book shelf in the living room and contains candles so that I have easy access when I need to get one to replace one that is burned out. This is just a part of who I am. To know me is to, well, I guess that is up to the person who knows me. Either way, I hold on to these things and do what I do because I know I am blessed to have known and to know each and every person in my life. Each is unique and special in there own way. I wouldn't trade one day, not the bad or the good. Each thing that happens to us in life builds us into who we are and I like who I am now. I like that after years of struggling to figure it out and years of struggling to like me and get it right, that now I am an honest person. I am a confident person who has made peace with my life. So next time you are down, sad, or thinking that something in life is not the way you want it, just remember it may be a lesson to a brighter path somewhere down the road. It may be what gets you where you want to be. We don't always know why something happens. We can find the flowers among the weeds as they say. So take a chance and think outside the box. I guess that is what I was thinking as I was going through things today. I could feel bad for myself. I could let that fear inside me take over. I am the worlds biggest baby when it comes to pain and surgery. I could let it get me down, but I won't. I choose to think of the coming holiday week. The family and friends that I will see and the years gone by shared with family and friends I can never see in this life again. Never go conventional. Always think outside the box. Happy Holidays!

Suicide Prevention Walk - By: Kelli Gunder

The suicide prevention walk was a total success for the surviving families and friends of suicide(at least I feel it was)

First off, I raised $90 ($40 , I donated myself) for the cause..THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
It is a difficult time with this economy to get anyone to donate.Turns out that we raised @ $30,000 that will go towards counseling and prevention of suicide.

The weekend started off very badly. Nothing but rain and wind (East Chicago) so there was a concern about the walk being cancelled.

There were so many families and friends of the deceased there with posters, pictures, tee shirts, small children in strollers to the elderly that were being pushed in wheel chairs. It was very touching to know that even though our loved ones are gone in body that they are not gone in spirit.

So, like I said, we had miserable weather. According to the news they were about to put Munster on evacuation notice due to flooding. But to our surprise we made it to the walk and stormed the weather.

It was scary to know that I was thinking about myself getting wet and rained on and maybe getting sick when all of these survivors of suicide were braving the weather right beside me, I needed an attitude adjustment. So with all the rain coming down and all the folks holding the banners and signs,and pictures( and umbrellas )of the loved ones,(no one complaining @ weather out loud) we started the 3 mile walk around the lake. No sooner did started walking with umbrellas, raincoats and ponchos etc.........THE RAIN AND WIND STOPPED..........that was my attitude adjustment/reality check. We even had a small peek of sunshine.

So the walk ended and we start to leave the park to return to everyday living again, it starts to rain again, even harder now........WOW...........but everyone is thankful that it stopped raining long enough to walk the lake. Now comes the 4 hour ride home to Fort Wayne in the pouring rain..... we get on I80-90 toll road and we see the opposite direction has MAJOR congestion for as far as we can see, as a matter of fact, we were traveling uphill onto off ramps and merges and we were still hydroplaning (looked like we were driving up a small waterfall) We made it home safely (and it was still raining in Fort Wayne) They ended up shutting down the toll road due to high water(not until we were safely off it, thankfully)

I'm still not sure why it stopped raining just long enough for everyone to finish the walk. Was someone looking down on us? Giving us a break? Or why the toll road didn't get shut down until we were done using it.

I do know that I met A LOT of wonderful people from different ethnic groups, political views, ages, rich, poor, the list can go on and on............

I learned a humbling lesson with this fundraiser

I am BLESSED to have the life I have
I may have a bad day
I may get sick
I may get well
I may get enlightened
I may be distressed
I may be depressed or sad
I may be happy

Any way you look at it.......ITS MY DAY.............and I am alive spiritually and physically

Thanks for all the support........
Kelli Gunder

Editorial Letter

The following is an editorial letter to the papers written by my friend Bruce. He has authorized me to post it on my BLOG. I felt it worthy of sharing and I hope you feel the same.

October 17, 2008

Subject: Upcoming Election

An open letter to American voters:
The upcoming election is nearly at hand and we all know that the results will have a historic impact on our country and our state. This writing is not intended to endorse any candidate, rather, to provide some factual information, education, and contrasts between the parties on the performance of the United States economy. I believe that it is not only important to us as Americans to vote, but also to vote based on established fact rather than opinion or innuendo.
There is no question that the upcoming election is first and foremost a referendum on the state of the economy in the United States. We are facing the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression (1929-1939) and history is in grave danger of repeating itself. The Great Depression in the United States began on Black Friday, October 29, 1929 and is said to have lasted until the onset of World War II and was accompanied by world wide economic collapse. Political and economic factors leading up to the Great Depression are eerily parallel to the current situation in the United States. The Great Depression started in the first year of the Republican Presidency of Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) following two terms of the Republican presidential administrations of Warren G. Harding (1921-1923), who died in office and was succeeded by Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929). Conditions of high unemployment, poverty, and deflation continued through Hoover’s term in office. Americans elected Democratic President Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933-1945) in 1933. In 1935 Roosevelt created by executive order the Works Progress Administration (WPA) as a relief agency to put unemployed American workers back to work and build American infrastructure. Also in 1935, President Roosevelt, with the backing of a Democratic Congress and Senate, signed into law the Wagner Act, today known as the National Labor Relations Act, which offered workers the ability of to organize unions and bargain collectively to improve their wages, hours, benefits, and conditions of employment. Union membership in the United States grew from one million workers to 12 million workers in the ten years following the passage of the Wagner Act and predicated the largest growth of the American Middle class in history.
As a matter of local parallel, the Great Depression occurred also ten months into the first term of Republican Indiana Governor Harry Guyer Leslie (1929-1933) following the term of Republican Governor Ed Jackson (1925-1929). Indiana was led out of the Great Depression by three terms of the Democratic governorships of Governors Paul Vorie McNutt (1933-1937), Clifford Townsend (1937-1941), and Frederic Schricker (1941-1945).
History is both a good teacher and a reliable predictor of the future. Facts of history clearly tell us that workers and the economy in general always fare better under Democratic leadership than they do under Republican leadership, and that it was Democratic leadership that led our country and our state out of the Great Depression. According to the Bureau of National Affairs (BNA), unemployment has peaked in every Republican administration and been at its minimum levels during every Democratic administration since World War II. Characteristic differences in the economic policies of the parties are widely known and detailed in a new book called "Unequal Democracy," by Larry M. Bartels, a professor of economics at Princeton University. In a New York Times article dated August 31, 2008, Alan S. Blinder, a professor of economics and public affairs at Princeton University and a former Vice-Chairman of the Federal Reserve cites two key historic factors from the work of Bartels, which relies on data from the U.S. Census Bureau. The first, which Blinder calls "The Great Partisan Growth Divide," is simply stated that the growth of the United States economy, on average, has grown faster under Democratic Presidents than it has under Republican Presidents. The unprecedented economic growth during the Clinton years and the historic decline of the economy during the Bush years is fresh in everyone’s mind. The current administration has presided over the loss of more than 700,000 American jobs in the past eight years and has yet to address that as a crisis.
The second, which is the focus of Professor Bartels’ work, is referred to as the "Great Partisan Inequality Divide." In his work, he unearthed what Blinder calls a stunning statistical regularity in regard to income inequality in the United States. Income inequality is defined as the gap in income between the poor and the well to do. Over the 60-year period since World War II this income gap widened substantially under Republican presidents and narrowed under Democratic presidents, resulting in an overall widening of the income gap. The New York Times Article of Alan Blinder (view this article at www.nytimes.com/2008/08/31/business/31view.html) includes a chart adapted from Bartels’ work. This chart illustrates family income at various income levels and clearly shows that lower income families experience slightly faster income growth than higher income families when Democrats are in the White House, and in stark contrast much faster income growth for the better-off when Republicans are in the White House, a key factor in widening the income gap.
Many voters place their votes on issues other than the economy, such as gun and pro-life issues. It is important to note that there has been no significant legislation in recent history affecting these issues, save the ban on partial birth abortions and a ban on assault weapons lobbied for by national law enforcement in the interest of protecting our country’s public safety officers. Many of us do fairly well in terms of wages and benefits with our employers, a factor which I believe takes our focus from the economy. But every one of us has a parent, a sibling, a child, or a friend who is struggling in the face of the current economic crisis. We should consider them and all who are struggling when we cast our vote in this election. I would ask that every voter weigh the issue of the current state of our nation’s economy, along with the aforementioned historical data, against other issues when casting your vote on November 4th. According to Alan Blinder, " . . . statistical regularities, like facts, are stubborn things. You bet against them at your own peril."
If driving at speed toward a brick wall, normal human reflex would be to turn away from the wall to avoid a crash. There are clearly two choices in the upcoming election. We, as American voters can turn away from the wall or crash into it. We can put the Republican Party in power, which would effectively align the stars, so to speak, by putting in place every key political and economic factor that led us into the Great Depression; or we can put the party in power that led us out of the greatest economic crisis in the history of our country. The choice is ours.

Look The Light Really Was a Train!

Don't you just love the phrase "There is a light at the end of the tunnel!". Most people throw that at you to try to cheer you up when you're depressed and I say it's great that they are trying to help, but most of us know whether that light at the end of a tunnel is just a light or really a train. I mean every time you go to make a decision in your life there is this little voice telling you to either go for it or run like hell in the other direction. Or am I crazy? Well, that is another story. Recently I had to make one of those hard decisions. It was one that I was telling myself I didn't have to make. For months I made myself believe there was another options, but I knew deep inside it had come down to only one solution. It just wasn't something I saw myself doing, but that is one of life's hard lessons I suppose. I also know I spent some time talking with a friend this weekend and he is older and wiser. Even told me I could knock him in the head with a frying pan if I saw him making the same mistake again. What is better is I have it in writing! Either way, I know with the economy the way it is and work being fleeting at best and floundering elsewhere that it is easy to get depressed over the slightest thing. It's something we really have to dig deep inside ourselves and find the strength not to be depressed. I know I work on it every day and usually I do good at talking myself through it and picking myself up and bringing my mood back to jolly. But even I have days where it all just seems like it is too much. I guess I just believe what my mother (again isn't she great?) has always told me. That there is always someone else out there is is in worse shape than me and that I should be thankful every day for everything I have and have been given, even if all it is, is another chance to set it right. So train or shinning light I'll travel the tunnel and see where it takes me. If you're down and need an ear or a pen pal to just listen or even give a wavering bit of advise or sympathy, or even apathy. You know how to get in touch with me. Keep the chin up and listen for the whistle!