A Walk In My Mind.

Today was a rocky road for me. I got up in an OK mood, but events of the day made me feel somewhat anxious. When I get in one of these moods I have a tendency to need someone out of the picture just to talk to, not necessarily about what is going on, but just talk. I need a mental health get away you might say from the picture. So I text messaged a friend and asked him if he wanted to do an impromptu dinner. He did thankfully, even though I'm sure after my rambling on and on as I do when I'm stressed he may be questioning why. I am thankful for the evening though. It helped me to relax. Once I was home and in sweats and doing the laundry though I put on some music from days gone by and pulled out one of my many (and I do mean many) photo albums and took a walk down memory lane. The photo above is of me as you can see on August 27, 1991. My ex, the only one I really count, and I went to the Royal Gorge in Colorado. He was deathly afraid of heights but he managed to get out there to take this photo for me. I got him to walk across, but he wouldn't do it twice so we took the sky trolley back across. If you ask me the bridge had less chance of falling than that thing. Heights don't bother me though. I thought about those times with him and how happy I was and even though things didn't turn out in the fairy tale manor I would never trade those memories for anything. I guess that is just me though. I love my memories even when I've opted to put the person out of my life. Of course the man I knew then wasn't the one who exists today. Not in my opinion anyway.

Along the way I happened along this photo of Joe. Not sure what year exactly. I believe probably 90 or there abouts. I love the eighties hair. No matter what the hair though Joe has always been a very handsome man.
Turning the pages of my albums I found this picture here on the right. The two women are now deceased. The one standing is Avonelle. She was my aunt Sandy's Aunt. The one seated is my aunt Sandy that just passed away on March 30Th and the man is my uncle Ellis. This was at a huge family reunion that was held in a park. There are so many in my family that anything less than a hall or a park for a reunion would never be big enough. I have lots and lots of family. Of course it seems I am losing more of them all the time. I am blessed to have an extended family though in my friends, like Joe, Vincent, Barb, Diane, Chris and Ida to name a few. I am blessed because I believe with all my heart these people care about me. Some of them probably more than some of my aunts and uncles.

This picture on the left is of my Uncles... all but one that is. The second in left wise from the right side of the picture is my dad standing beside my uncle Ellis. The two men in the middle are now deceased. They are my Uncle Roger who died in 2005 and my Uncle Monroe who died on April 16, 2008. Back left is my uncle Ray and front left is my uncle Orbin. Orbin is a very talented musician or at least he use to be. I don't know if he plays anymore. He now has his own church.

The picture here is of my brother walking my first dog, Snickers. Snickers was very high strung. I loved him a lot though. He died on July 5, 2001. I still remember seeing him that day I took him to the vet to have surgery. It was gorgeous outside. He was just sitting there in the grass looking at me. Somehow I knew he wouldn't survive surgery and since he had cancer it was probably the kinder of options. My brother use to walk him all the time on the railroad tracks near the trailer park where I grew up. Yep, I grew up in a trailer park. I didn't lack for anything though. It was a great way of life on so many levels, mostly because I had the idea family. A loving mom and dad and a brother that I absolutely adored and got along great with. And if you look at the next

picture here on the left you will see a picture of my mom and dad walking on Caney Creek in Pippa Passes, Kentucky. I spent a lot of time there as a child. This road has been widened since this photo. So many things no longer look the way they did and so many people we would visit along this road are no longer among the living. Time really does fly by.

Here on the right is a picture of me and my ex sister-in-law. Even though this picture was done in jest when we first met we really didn't like each other very well, but over the years we became really close friends and a lot like sisters.
On the left is my beloved cat Basil in the prime of his life at my apartment I had in Popular Ridge. I had a lot of good times in that apartment and would have probably stayed there if it wasn't for the guy who lived behind me who invited me to a cook out one night at his place. I went and he told me all about my life. When I came, when I went. Who came and left my house and at what hours. He seemed nice enough until that. That was creepy. It was obvious he was watching me and since he lived in the apartment behind mine he had to be doing it on purpose since you couldn't see my place or when I came or went from his place. So I packed and moved out of fear you might say.

So after moving out of that place I moved to the house on Dale Drive. The house that had candles that lit on their own and music boxes that would play for no reason. I have hopefully many more years of memories to make, but looking back mistakes and all I don't think I would change anything. I like who I am now. With the exception I'd like to drop some weight I am happy for the most part. I Believe I am a better person now and a happier person and I have the life I lived to thank for that. I am who I am because of who I was and how I lived. Life's road isn't always easy, but no one promised me it would be. So thank you all that are in my life. Thank my friend for the dinner and conversation of this evening and thanks for the memories that shall always be in my mind as long as the good Lord wills them to be.

Another Quilty Pleasure!

My advice... Run, don't walk to Target and get your Strawberry Milkshake Creme Oreo's. Yummy.. Anyone remember the commercial about potato chips and you can't eat just one. Wow! Love em! You just know though that for whatever reason they won't be popular and they will pull them off the market. Sigh. But for now Target has them. I advice you to run right out and get yours. I did.

Imagine

So I need everyone to read this carefully and give me your personal opinion. I want to you to imagine you are an 8 year old boy who is very sensitive and emotional. You are the type of child that worries and really thinks about what is going on in your life. So your parents are divorced, have been for going on two years. You know as a child that they don't get along. I know on dad's side that he doesn't say things about mom when the kids are around when I'm around. I doubt that mom says anything about dad, but this is a bright kid. He's not stupid by a long shot. There are lots of things for him to worry about right now. He's expressed some of them, some of them he clams up about. The one parent has a significant other. He's expressed on multiple occasions to me that he feels this parent cares more for that significant other than they do him. So he gets an opportunity to partake in a half time or quarter sports event with the team mascot. He's excited and tells his grandparents and me about it. When he gets to the event though he's not sitting with either parent. His dad is with his sister way on the other side. His mother several rows below him. He is with his one parents significant other, whom he likes, because they provided the tickets and apparently got to choose the seating. He's also with one other friend of the significant other sitting on the other side of him. Per one parent he doesn't seem excited at all. At the end of the evening he is not over joyed like you would think. Today he gets in trouble at school. One parent is talking about putting him on medication which is not what he needs, it would just make him a walking zombie. The other parent is upset by this and doesn't want it done. There is no good communication going on between these parents. The child should be the concern. The name calling, the blame game, all the other stuff needs to stop. The parent with custodial parenting is not giving information to the other parent which is making it ten times worse. I know the fear is they will be blamed. To some degree perhaps they would be correct. That isn't the point though. The child should come first. Is it me or was it stupid for the child not to be sitting with at least one parent if not between them on a night that was suppose to be his special night? Am I wrong or is this child acting up because he's emotionally drained and afraid and angry. Angry because he does feel like someone else takes a priority in front of him. Now I know that at least one party reading this will be angry at me, maybe both, but I want some honest feedback. You can email it to me or post a comment. This just truly breaks my heart. I think this child need counseling but I think drugs would be a stupid way to go. Just my opinion.

Happy Birthday Vincent!

A Snowy April Morn?

OK, it's suppose to be April Showers I know, but I don't think it's suppose to be snow showers! I think we all need to gang up and have a little conversation with mother nature. This is what it looked like outside at 3:45AM this morning. Yeah I know because I couldn't sleep and I let the dog out and look what I found. I am so sick of snow for the year, although it was very beautiful to watch it falling. The thing is I thought April showers brought May flowers. I don't think snow is going to help with the flowers thing. Oh, well, I suppose it could be worse. Happy April 6Th everyone!

A Baptist Frame of Mind...

With all this death talk over the last few days and my brother talking about cleaning up his life, it's had me thinking a lot about my own roots. I was raised a "Southern Baptist". For the most part I believe in the ways I was brought up too. Some of the things I don't agree with. Like I surely don't think because I wear slacks I'm destined for hell, but there are those in my family, my mother being one, that have never worn, nor never would wear slacks because they are for men and women just don't do that. I don't know where in the Bible that comes from exactly, but I've had my mom tell me it's in there. Maybe not worded that way, but in there none-the-less. I believe it comes down to an individuals relationship with God. I think it's a one on one thing and only the person and God knows how their relationship is. Do I think I'm a christian? Define it? If you mean do I believe in God and have total faith that His will be done and He can do everything at anytime, then yes. If you mean the baptist definition, uh probably not. Do I know if I'm going to heaven? I doubt anyone knows for certain. I think they would have to have died and been there to know. Can you believe beyond a reasonable doubt, yeah probably. Me? I dunno. I've done a lot of talking with God over the years. I do get up everyday thanking Him for my life. I put my life in His hands and my faith as well. There are things though that I do, that I don't believe in. Bad to say but I do. Do I know if they will take me to hell. No. I mean one thing I believe is that you MUST keep the Sabbath Holy. That means don't go shopping or to restaurants. Why? Because even if you aren't working, if you go to these places you are supporting someone who is profiting off someone else who is working. Do I do this? Yes. Sometimes I feel badly about it, but I do it because it gives me time with family and friends. Time I might not have otherwise. So I guess I have some house cleaning in my life to do. Do I think God would send me to hell for it. Not really. Do I know? No. There are things I agree with in our church, like I do believe you must live your life humbled before God. I believe that you must say in prayer your hearts desire but begin it with Your will be done. I mean just because we pray to God and he doesn't answer the way we want Him to doesn't mean he didn't answer or didn't hear. Just like all good parents He must look at the bigger picture and decide what is best for everyone. That is one of the toughest things I ever had to learn. When my cat Basil died it broke my heart. I bet the devil wanted me to be angry at God for his passing, but what I felt was an over whelming love and peace. I thanked God for all the years He gave me, not for the ones I didn't have. Such I believe it is with people in their daily lives. We should thank God for what is right and what has been right in our lives, not be bitter for what isn't. God gave us freedom of choice. We choose our lives and our paths. So in my Baptist frame of mind I guess I am trying to live my life to the best of my ability and I do hope someday in the far off future I do get to sit with My heavenly Father.

A Day of Rememberence

So I sort of felt I would be remiss if I didn't finish my journey with you. I guess if you're really morbid you may not want to view this particular post, but I have been journaling to include my readers as well as giving myself a type of therapy. In the past my thoughts and emotions as I have lost loved ones have always been kept to myself.

I have found though that I heal much more easily when I don't bottle up those feelings and emotions. As one might expect today was a journey down memory lane. Not just memories of this aunt and uncle, but memories of funerals past. I have been to more than my fair share of funerals over the years. I have watched mothers cry for their children, children cry for their mom's and dads and friends weep at the loss of a

beloved friend. I have weeped with them and for them and sometimes even for myself. I have seen many different types of funerals. Some very emotional, some where emotion wasn't allowed in the room with the body (which I felt a little strange about) and ones that were all inclusive. In the south the way funerals use to be ( I say this because I don't know if they still do it) the bodies were taken to the church house and were never left alone. I believe Jerry Clowers, the comedian, use to have a storey he would tell of these types. I remember when my grandmother Lula died that she was at the Old Baptist church with people sitting up with her all through the night and day until she was laid to rest in the Short Cemetery out on the hill from her home. She joined her daughter and husband a slue of other relatives there. In these services, church service are held the night before with the body there in the church and full church services are held the day of the burial. If you're a friend of mine hold onto your hat because if I had my wish this would be the type of burial I would want. It's a real hell and brimstone type of service, but it's one that draws emotions and helps to heal. It's what I would want, but I have told my parents to do what they wish. I mean the service is for the ones left behind after all. Today I watched as each of my cousins and my uncle dealt with their grief in their own way. Each one's unique, but grief none the less. My uncle looked as if he had suit cases for eyelids where he had cried so much. My cousin April just looked numb with disbelief. My cousin who had said she couldn't stand the though of seeing her mom in the coffin cried and appeared to have the healthiest grip, even though I felt some anger out of her. I suppose I would be angry too. It's a part of grief. My cousin Robbie chose to sit in the back of the church, not up front with his family. I'm unsure of why. I know he loved his mother, but even at the grave he stood in the back separated from the rest. Perhaps his way of attempting to keep it from being so real. Songs were sung. Not an unusual thing for a funeral. One thing that was unusual though was that I was looking at my aunt Arlene and for a moment the thought went through my mind: "Where is uncle Roger?"

It was just brief and it stunned me some as I bit into the reality that he had died over three years earlier. The drive to the cemetery seemed long. It was nice to see people who still knew how to respect the situation though. It's considered an act of respect for cars coming in the opposite direction to pull over and stop while the funeral procession passes. I think most people either lack respect here in Fort Wayne or are unaccustomed because I rarely see it here, but there were tons of them that did it in Corona. As we pulled into the cemetery we were quite a few cars back and my brother was a pawl barrier so he jumped out and took off to meet the hearses. My poor brother. I asked him how many times he had been a pawl barrier today and he replied with too many times to count. I believe it too. After a while if you let it, it can really bog down your mind. I mean how many people I knew that are no longer here. No longer within my grasp to speak with or see. Graveside was short and to the point. Flowers were given and just like that a life was passed from the ones that loved here to the Father in heaven. At least I hope my aunt Sandy made it to heaven. I'm not sure I know. There are people I'm fairly certain have. My grandmother, My aunt Ruth, my Uncle Roger to name a few. I know that as awful as this whole thing has been, it also was a good thing to see family I hadn't seen in years. One cousin I hadn't seen since we were little. One I use to baby sit for and she has such a loving nature. Distant cousins, aunts, uncles were all saying the same thing: "Why is it we only seem to get together for funerals?" Society is so busy these days. Somehow I think we've all forgotten that time with family and friends is more precious than any movie, any game, any musical or even job we may have scheduled. Time is fleeting and few. I remember playing with my aunt. We played kickball in a field out from my house prior to her marrying my uncle. Then when she had her first baby at thirteen we played dress up with her baby. She was just a kid herself. This is the final chapter to the saga though on my aunt Sandy. I thank all of you that sent me wishes of sympathy. May God smile on you all and give you many more years with those you love.

Go Rest High, on that mountain, go as high as you can go, Go to heaven a shouting.......