Life is Full of Loss & Change

Life is full of loss and change.  One might go so far as to say that is a good definition of life; however if we dwell on only the loss we will never see the beauty of all that we have gained.  When I was younger I went through a lot of loss of friends and family.  At first I grasped at the despair of all the things I would never see or do with those people, then it dawned on me that I was looking at it all wrong.  Instead of spending all my time wallowing in pity for what would never be I was missing the point of all the beauty of the time I was given with them. To sit and grieve for them back to me became a sin.  They had lived their life, suffered their pains and moved on to something potentially much greater.  Would I really wish them back to this life to suffer the pain of death all over again?  I found this to be true of both people and animals.  I also have come to realize that although no one can ever take the place of someone we love in our hearts, that our hearts are capable of infinite love and that when we lose someone from our lives, the universe and God put someone else in our paths to help ease that loss.  We may not realize it at the time because we are mourning and grieving our life, but it's all about change.  Life evolves with our without our permission.  I could give countless examples of this.  I miss so many people, most of whom visit with me in my dreams from time to time.  Yes life is all about loss and change and most definitely growth and wisdom and I hope with each passing year I am growing more wise and stronger in my faith and beliefs.  I know my parents are not far from leaving me here behind in this life.  I dread that day, but they have given me so many memories, so much devotion and love.  They have shown me that life can be beautiful and that love does exists even triumph through conflict.  So when they come to pass I hope I will be strong enough to move forward.  I hope I will lean on my friends and embrace the beauty of the life that was and the times that were shared.  Yes life is full of loss and change, but in the end isn't it a beautiful thing?

The Universe is Screaming!

The universe seems to be screaming at me these days. It’s telling me life is winding down or speeding up given the moment in time that it’s talking. I realize just how short our life time really is more and more with each passing day. I’m at ease with it though now more than ever. I have an extreme calmness in my life. One I am not sure how to explain. I still have ups and downs and I still have good days and bad days but most days I just live each day for what it is and try to find the joy in it. Life’s too short to spend every day being sad about the man who got away or isn’t here or the children I’ll never have and could have. It’s too short to spend precious moments worrying about things you have no control of. My test results as some of you know, and some don’t were not positive in June. I mean that as in not good results. I really have only one choice if I wish to continue on this journey for as long as possible and that is to have all the female plumbing removed. Yes, I am having a total hysterectomy in October. I haven’t told the parents yet. I’m really not looking forward to that because they will worry and I don’t like to cause them worry or grief. They have no need to though because with the removal of the female organs also goes away the threat of cancer and death associated with it. I scheduled it for October for many reasons. One I don’t really want to start menopause in ninety degree weather, two, work is extremely busy in the summer and it wouldn’t be fair to them and three a small part of me is hoping I’ll wake up and it was just a dream. I think I would have been a good mother. Hell I baby and try to take care of my family and friends and pets. I love children. I just never thought it wise to be a single parent unless you had to be and since I know where babies come from that choice was really mine now wasn’t it. I give a big pat on the back to all the single parents out there who are making it work and doing well at it, it just wasn’t what I wanted for my life or for a child. I will get through it though. I have been reading and preparing so I will be ready for it. Emotionally though it’s going to take a bit to adjust. I have a good support system though. I have a boyfriend I love very much, although I don’t get to see him as much as I would like to. I have family that is loving and supportive and I could not ask for better friends so I am certain the journey will be easier for me than for some. I have watched the surgery that will be done robotically on you tube as well. I found that kind of disturbing but informative. My doctors’ office has set me up to have some counseling on the procedure. I have watched the movies and I have had time to ponder it all and get a second and third opinion. I guess what I am saying is I am ready to do this… Oh yeah it’s only August. Sigh – waiting is not an easy thing for me I am not the most patient person. The good news is I do feel really healthy right now for the first time in what seems like months. I had almost forgotten with all the infections and crap what it was like to actually feel human on most days. I have also brought two kittens into my world to distract me. Their names are Tobias and Prancer or Toby and Prance or baby girl for short. So that is what is up with me in my world. I know I don’t update this very often anymore. I have just been so wiped out that it’s been hard to do. It feels good to have a little energy again so here is hoping 2014 is my year and that the universe never stops screaming. After all she’s pretty smart I would say.

If People Were More Like Pets...

As a puppy Princess had a terrible breath issue. I remember I had just lost my other dog a couple of weeks before my brother and his then wife brought her to me.She was only seven weeks old and I could tell she was going to be a very smart dog. She never once messed in my house. At seven weeks old she would go to the door and want out. She was loveable and took to me very quickly. She was a spoiled dog who lived a very good life so I have nothing to regret but that I have no further time with her. My vet said she went very peaceably in her sleep. No signs of struggle. They did an autopsy and found that she had cancer on top of her other issues. I knew yesterday when I kissed her nose as I told her goodbye that I actually was probably telling her goodbye. She had given it a good fight, but her little body was tired and she needed to go. I understand that a lot better than I use to. I've lost a lot over the years and I have had pain of my own. I would not wish anyone or anything to be here in pain and agony all the time. She loved me like no other. She didn't ask for anything but that I feed her and love her back. Animals are good like that. They don't judge us, they only offer us warmth and love. She gave me a lot of good memories. I will miss her a lot but I am happy she's not in pain. It leaves me wishing and thinking. I think if people were more

like these animals, our pets, our companions the world would be a much better place. Rest in Peace my Princess... 5/28/2001-7/27/2013

Getting it off my chest...

So it’s been a bit since I’ve written anything.  I’m trying really hard to hold my tongue on certain things but I am not real good at holding my tongue as my friends know.   I am stressing big time because I love my niece and nephew very much and I don’t think they should have to see half of what they have seen with their mother.  They have had to grow up way too fast.   Now she’s pitting them against each other to further her own selfish agenda.  It’s sad it really is.  A mother is suppose to love her children unconditionally.  A mother is suppose to put their needs before her own.  To tell you the truth I’m conflicted.  I don’t want to believe she’s this selfish; perhaps she’s just delusional and needs to be institutionalized?  Money is what they are to her not children.  Who is like that?  Any sympathy or any love I had for her she is destroying.  I don’t want to see her.  I don’t want to be around her and I don’t know what I would do if she were around me.  That is hard.  I’ve always until recently stood up for her.  I’ve told my family they should do what Jesus would do and show her kindness and love.  I’ve treated her with nothing but respect and love and she returns it with bitter ends that she has to know would hurt me to the core.  She can’t be happy.  Who would be happy knowing they are destroying their own children’s lives?  Who would be happy knowing they are making a mockery of the institution of motherhood?  I know I should pray for her but I need prayer myself because I’ve only hated one other time in my life and it’s not a good feeling to hate.  She’s no longer welcome in my life on any level.  She’s not welcome at my house and she’s not welcome in my heart.  She’s a cold, bitter person who one day will wake up and have no one and no one to blame but herself.  She had a good person in her life she was dating and she threw that away too.  She must be determined to destroy herself.  Her dad who is dead would be so ashamed of her.  I thought he meant something to her.  If he could see her now he would probably want nothing to do with her himself.  I’ve talked to her mother and she seems so sad.   I feel badly for her because she can’t like what her daughter has become either.  I look back on times I shared with her and to me that woman died a long time ago.  I don’t get it.  It hurts because I loved her.  I do still love her but I can’t stand who she is now.  She lies and manipulates like no one I’ve ever met.  She’s good at that.  So perhaps that is her game.  She is so dead set on proving to the world that her son is a threat to them.  He’s not.  I’ve never met a more compassionate child in my life.  He loves all people and all animals.  He is angry at her and he says things children will say that he shouldn’t, but he’s not a threat to anyone.  I really wonder how she even gets out of bed in the morning.  I have been her advocate in my family for so long saying she can change, she’s probably not as bad as you think.  Not anymore.  She has no sanctuary in me.  I know she can and probably will read this.  If she does she knows she can put a stop to this.  She needs to put a stop to her antics and she needs to stop hurting her children.   She may get away with it in this life, but the Lord does not take kindly in the afterlife to those that have hurt the little children. 

A Heartbreaking Journey of Twenty Years…

There are some things that just break your heart so completely you’re not sure what to do with them.  For me it’s a world of sadness mixed with anger and confusion.  More than twenty years ago I met the woman that I would have a love hate relationship with, a woman who I would come to think of like a sister.  It’s amazing what people can do and how they can always leave me speechless at times.  When I first met her I didn’t like her too much.  For one thing she was taking away my best friend in my mind and for another she acted more like a boy than a girl, but who was I to judge. I had spent my teen years and my early twenties just trying to figure out who I was so perhaps she was the same.  I watched as my best friend in life married this woman, while I was still unsure and uneasy and their first months of marriage were not easy either.  He became sick with Mono and instead of wanting him to rest she had him running her paper route she did for extra cash so she wouldn’t have to.  Then when they would fight she would want me to take her side and stand with her, something I couldn’t possibly do at that time, but over the years I came to like her and love her.  Trust me when I tell you for me that wasn’t easy either.  I watched as she spent every penny he made and at times she would even joke about having the money he hadn’t even made yet already spent.  I still tried to tell myself he had married her there must be good and I had come to like her so I had hoped in time she would settle.  She had the American dream at one time.  She had a nice house, a nice car; if she hadn’t spent wildly she could have even stayed at home and raised her children.  She really had it made where most of us are concerned.  Again though she had him moving from place to place since she was never really happy with the homes he would buy her even though she helped pick them out.  I guess that should have been a clue that she wasn’t happy with herself.  Perhaps it was a silent cry that the rest of us just couldn’t possibly hear.  She moved him to Ohio for a while.  A son was born to them there.  He was the light of my parents and my world.  With his birth came the desire to move back closer to home and family.  So back to Fort Wayne they came.  The house they moved into was in a nice location and should have been good enough to raise that little family she claimed she had wanted for so long.  Every weekend though she would want me to shop with her and we would sunrise to sunset.  The whole time we shopped that poor little boy was in a car seat.  I suppose that didn’t matter too much when he wasn’t able to walk, but little children need stability and they need to be able to run and as he got older you could tell he hated being in that van.  There were times I didn’t want to go, but my family kept saying just keep the peace for his sake.  I stopped her once when her little boy was about two from smacking him in the face.  I suppose that should have been another warning sign.  As the little boy grew the financial tension in that house grew.  When we would shop she would start telling me how they didn’t have money for diapers or shoes or this or that.  So I would buy them.  Funny thing was same day she’d buy herself a new CD later in the day.  Seems she always had money for what she wanted.  I remember the night my best friend showed up at my door and said it was over.  He had all he could take.  My world changed that night.  It was as if a part of me broke right along with him and I needed to make it all better.  I didn’t want to lose her as a friend but then how could I stay friends.  I was determined to try to be there for her and him.  I still wanted to have faith that there was good in her.  By this time there was a daughter too so she was the mother to a boy and a girl.  Surely that would keep her occupied.  When they divorced against my urging him not to he let her have basically everything for his children’s sake and he walked away to try to start his life over.  He believed just like me that deep down inside surely she would be a good mother so it was for the best of his kids.  There were things she promised to pay in the divorce she never did.  Child care was to come out of child support yet she never paid it when he had the kids as she was supposed to do.  She worked for a while.  I remember once I was studying for a test and she called me because she was having chest pains to come get her for work and take her to the hospital.  Her brother and all her supposed friends had refused to come get her.  I guess they knew what I figured but I wasn’t taking the chance that it could be real because I did love her.  I do love her; I just don’t like her very much these days.  When we got to the hospital they tried to make her comfortable and it wasn’t long till I learned the real reason we were there.  An old tactic she had used a lot in the years I had come to know her was getting sick when she was fighting with her significant other.  In this case her girlfriend and her were fighting.  They had a huge fight the weekend before.  My guess is her girlfriend was tired of footing the bill for her ride through life.  As with everyone she dated this was the love of her life.  There couldn’t possibly be anyone else like her and it was making her physically sick.  It is a tactic she uses too.  She is good at the illness and crocodile tears as I’ve found over the years.  I still tried to have faith and be her friend.  My heart wasn’t willing to believe she could be so fake and I did love her.  When she lost her job from calling off work so much and probably from attitude she told me she never planned to work again.  She didn’t want to.  I just shook my head as I thought back to a day she stood in my mothers’ living room and told her what bums she had in her family for not working when they could and wanting other people to support them.  I guess instead of believing that she must have actually been jealous that they were not working.  There are so many incidents I could go over.  So many things that just make me shake my head but it was becoming very apparent to me that she came first in her world.  It didn’t matter as long as she got what she wanted who got hurt and unfortunately that includes her children who have watched a slew of people come in and out of her life.  They have watched as she put those people before them.  One Christmas it broke my heart as she dumped them off at my parents and said she wasn’t going to spend any time with them over Christmas he could have them because she was going to LaPorte with her girlfriend to see her children for the holidays.  Her girlfriends’ children were adults.  How could any parent willingly give up holiday time with their kids?  They are not little that long.  Then there is the Christmas she had her son committed to an institution for a week, went and picked him up on the 23^rd of December and got in a fight with him and had him recommitted till after the New Year.  During that time she didn’t visit him very much either.  She wanted him to respect her.  Well respect is earned and she sure wasn’t doing anything to earn his.  She let girlfriends’ she would date slap her children around.  That one killed me.  If I ever saw an adult slap one of those kids I’d knock them flat on their ass no matter what the kids were doing. Yes that includes if I saw her do it.  It’s a good thing for her that last year when she decided to get him down and beat him on the ground that it was her mother that called the police on her and not me there to see it.  The story would have ended a lot different.   The things those children have seen in their lives adults shouldn’t have to see.  They have been subjected to wild parties, drug dealers, junkies… multiple moves which keep them from making friends.  It makes me sad and sick hearted to think about it. They shouldn’t have to live like that.  They don’t want to live like that and hopefully the court system will be smart enough to see through her bullshit and give them to him.  I have no faith in our system though.  The woman has had police to her address multiple times; had her son on the ground beating him; and has done a countless amount of other things including siding with a woman who was threatening her son (When he was 11).  Yet our courts still haven’t seen fit to remove them from her care.  These agencies are so screwed up and they wonder why kids go missing and dead yet they don’t see anything wrong with any of this?  I guess they are too busy going after the parents that actually care and try to teach their children right.  She’s never going to take accountability for what she owes or what she’s done.  I’ve come to that conclusion.  She’s even trying to get him to pay $4000 she spent last year back to the government that she owes them and she won’t think twice about it if for some reason our government keeps its standard of stupidity and makes him pay it.   She’s on probation and yet she goes anywhere she damn pleases and it doesn’t seem like much of a punishment to me.  It’s a small town and female probation officer, who she may know may be the reason why she’s getting away with little punishment.  Who knows?  It’s not right.  She has practically bled her mother dry financially too.  It’s a pity that she would do that to her but I guess if you care so little for anyone other than yourself it doesn’t matter.  I like her current girlfriend.  She seems like a sweet kid.  I just hope she buckles up for the ride because it’s going to get bumpy.  A leopard can’t change its spots.  It might hide its’ spots for a while but trust me she’ll get burned and used.  I wish I didn’t feel that way.  I feel like the woman I knew died because the woman I thought she was probably never existed and I’m sure she may see this or be shown it or read it and it may piss her off.  I don’t really care to tell you the truth.  I fell off her radar a long time ago.  She’s not who I thought she was.  She in my mind right now is a user and a liar. I wish she could do something to change that but recent events have proven it may never happen.  Her son is a good boy.  He has anger issues but hell I’d have anger issues if I was him too.  He just needs to learn to use that anger constructively and not destructively.  He needs to let it make him stronger.  He is loved more than life and no matter what anyone else says he is a good kid.  So it’s been a heartbreaking journey of twenty years.  Here is hoping that sometime this year the healing can begin for all. 

Back to Fitness...

So I'm back on the road to exercise and I just hope I can keep it up.  I do like exercising but I had pretty much stopped for the most part when I got sick and getting back to it hasn't been easy.  You don't realize how quickly you can get out of shape.  10 minutes on the elliptical and I thought my heart was going to explode.  I loved going to American Health Fitness and I will still go there some but my work schedule and their hours were not good together so last week I went and up and joined Planet Fitness.  So far I love it.  The people are friendly and the equipment new.  The atmosphere is very pleasant to work out in and I love the massage chairs and hydro bed.  They also have this machine called a beauty angel that shakes you for a 12 minute work out.  I don't know if it actually does anything but I think it's fun.  Says it takes 90 days of use to really see any noticeable improvement using it.  Planet fitness is open twenty-four seven and they have them all over the US so I shouldn't have any excuses for not going.  I also am eager for old man weather to get nice so I can start my walking again.  I love walking and thinking.  It's one of the best ways to clear the mind.  Oh and before I forget Planet Fitness has tanning beds.  I can tan while I'm there too.  I'm excited for this summer and this new year.  So many promises of good things to come.  So watch for my journey to play out.  I'll keep you all in the loop.  Also anyone wanting to check out planet fitness let me know I can take you for free.  Back to fitness I go. 

So Life Dealt you Lemons…

Who doesn’t have a few lemons in their life and no I’m not going to tell you to make lemonade, often it takes a much stronger drink than that to face some of life’s challenges, but we all have them and sitting around wallowing in self-pity does absolutely no one any good.  It never solves anything and as a matter of fact I believe it often makes things much worse than they need be.   The smart people in this world… the happy ones focus on the positives in their lives and not the negatives.   Instead of sitting around thinking about all that is going wrong and how it’s going to get worse try to think about what is going right and how to help improve those things that are going wrong.  I have known both types of people in my life.  The most amazing person I ever knew was my uncle Roger.  He, although I know he probably had his times, lived his life to the fullest and didn’t let his ailment get him down.  Then there is my mom.  She exercises daily and tries to live as normal a life as she can and rarely complains although her hands shake constantly now and it’s hard for her to do the simplest task like use the rest room without help or feed herself.  Her smile is always there and her love of God and life are too.  Then there is a girl I know that is looking at jail time because her teenage daughter skipped school and called off claiming to be her mom.  Now there is an injustice of stupidity.   She’s an amazing person too.  She picks herself up as life challenges her and trust me it’s challenged her a lot in the last few years.  I know so many people who look at people who are smiling and laughing and they are envious of their lives because they assume those people are living the charmed life, well they probably aren’t.  There is hardship for everyone in life.  It’s the way it is.  Deal with it.  If you need help, ask for it.  If you can’t pick yourself up as long as you’re willing to try there is usually someone or a group of people that are willing to help pick you back up if they can.  So cheer up.  So what if life dealt you lemons.  Get some vodka and add to it… No really booze isn’t the answer, but do make the best of it you can and if you can’t, get help.  It’s there if you want it. So life dealt you lemons…Meh.

The Things That Make Us Human...

For the longest time I blocked out that part of me that made me feel most human, my emotions.  I remember when I was young I would cry at a sad movie and the release although sad was good for my soul.  For  along time I have either avoided movies that made me cry or found a way not to in the sad parts of the movies.  I don't recall just when it happened or why, but today laying on the sofa I found myself watching the Chicago Hope I had taped and I cried like a baby at the end of it.  It was a scene where firefighters were paying their respects to a little boy that had died.  I've come to realize I need to release some of the emotions I've held in for so long.  I thought it made me stronger to tuck them inside but now I think it's stronger to let them out.  I need to let go of anger.  I am far from perfect.  I've made a million mistakes in my life and I definitely have a bunch of preconceived ideas on how things should and should not be.  Perhaps that is where it all began.  First and foremost I wish I had had children when I was younger, but in today's world I'm not sure children are a good idea.  I do know if I had chosen to be a mom I would have been a mom.  None of this bullshit about I gotta have time for me and live my life.  The least you can do when you have kids is give them your all for at least 18 years.  See them grown, not pawn them off every chance you get, blame them for their behavior when all they are doing is mimicking what they see.  You cant teach a child not to do something by saying don't do that.  They learn from watching you.  Then you can't expect a child to behave for you if it doesn't respect you.  But I'd get told what do I know.  What I know is that children have always respected and listened to me.  True I don't have them 24/7 but even if I didn't I wouldn't yell and scream and tell them what a bad kid they are.  Anyone with any common sense knows that doesn't work.  Then there are the parents that try to buy their kids love.  It may buy their temporary devotion but it won't buy their love.  I know that.  It's been a long road the last couple of years.  I've lost friends and family to death by them physically dying, but I've also lost them through death of the soul of who I thought they were.  I love deeply.  I hang on for a long time before I give up on someone, before I throw in the towel and just say what is the point.  I've watched our worthless court system fail miserably too.  I use to believe in the courts but with what I've witnessed lately I've given up on them.  If they are that easily swayed or fooled or have that poor of judgement then I have no use for them either.  I know I don't have the power to change any of it or trust me if I did I would.  I also know that no matter how lonely, how said or how bad things get in my life I will fight to live my life till I can't anymore.  My life is a gift that I was given by the Lord to live.  I choose to make the happy moments when I can.  If they ever say I killed myself, hire a team of investigators because there is no way I will go quietly into that good night.  I will fight with all I have to stay alive and living with my family and friends.  A friend wanted to know what was making me question my faith as of late.  Well absolutely nothing can ever make me question my faith.  I know God exists.  I know he loves me and I know I love him.  I have every faith that although I struggle it is my doing and not His.  I know He listens and tries to help me find my way.  So to that friend I say I have not lost my way, just strayed off the path a little.  To the friend who knows who she is that I am talking about who wants to live her life for herself and not for her children, yet would argue she puts the best interest of her children first, I say bullshit to that, I do love you, but I can't even imagine the way you've chosen to live as of late has made you happy.  I'm glad you have some money now, but money buys material objects and temporary good time friends only.  So the things that make us human I would say are our emotions and our passions.  They tell us who we are.  They tell us what we need if we listen.  I'm personally happy for the things that make me human and although I don't usually have enough money I am thankful for the things I have and the loved ones I do have.  

Dating in The Real World Isn't a Movie...

I've dated my share of men in my life, or at least went on my share of dates.  I can tell you in the movies it looks a hell of a lot more fun than it is in real life.  I know a lot of people who talk about first dates and how exciting they are.  I always dread them.  It's not because I don't want to meet the person it's just that usually they have these preconceived notions about how I should or should not be or look and they often lie like there is no tomorrow about things that don't impress me at all.  I'm not your average girl.  I don't get impressed by flashy apartments and money.  I don't fall for just a pretty face and I sure as hell don't play games.  Do you know how many men I've met, text, talked with and gone on dates with that say they want a woman that doesn't play games?  That rarely is the case though.  I even had one guy tell me I was too accessible that I needed to be busy sometimes when he asked me out.  Call me crazy but if you're dating someone aren't you suppose to put them first?  I'm not making up plans to impress a guy.  I have a great social life I don't need to make anything up, I've just always believed when you're dating someone you put them first on the plans list.  I'm also no barbie doll.  I am a real live flesh and blood woman who will treat her man like a king.  I will wantonly fix him food, get him drinks, rub his back, be flirtatious, and see to everything I can to make him happy.  When I'm in a relationship that is what makes me happy.  My requirements to make me happy are very small.  I simply want someone to show me affection and to be honest with me.  Yes I've dated my share of good guys and I've dated my share of jack asses, but I've always treated them just a little better than I think for the most part a lot of them treated me.  Sound stuck up, yeah it does I suppose.  A lot of them left me feeling like I was good enough to use, good enough to have as a friend but not good enough to date or even take to dinner.  I guess I make one hell of a buddy you could say. So it's hard for me when I do find a good man to even consider it.  I'm use to being left on the sidelines while the hunt for the woman who will play the games, drive their guy crazy (not in a good way) and have their barbie doll bodies that they think will make them happy.  Most of these types of women will take the mans check and leave him cold.  Sorry but I've known my share of barbies and I only know a couple that bend in any form.  It's a rare and precious find when you find a barbie that likes to play fair.  So I'm not into games and dating these days is hard if you're one of the players out there on the field.  I'm always happy for my friends when they find a match that works.   Dating in the real world though isn't a movie and in my world if it were it wouldn't be romantic in the slightest...

Games People Play....

Who would have thought I'd live to see 2013.  So many I knew in the past year didn't.  2012 was a year for loss and yet a year for growth.  Of all things I know though one thing is for certain as I go into this new year I have never been more sure of who I am and how I want to live my life.  I have never had a clearer view of what my purpose is and what my values are.  There are parts of my life that I place on a shelf as if to allow people to check it out and read it's layers and yes there are parts I keep under lock and key only allowing some to view.  I believe that is the same of all people and I'm not sure any one person ever truly really knows someone.  I like to think that no one can ever stun or shock me at this point, that I've seen it all, but inevitably someone shocks me, stuns me or lets me down so badly that I am not sure how to move past it.  I do though because I have come to understand that people are human and they make mistakes.  They make bad decisions and they say things that may be hurtful without any knowledge that they are doing so.  A few examples from my past year would be a person I admired a lot and wanted for a friend left me feeling cold and used.  I somehow doubt that person had any idea they were doing it but in the end I couldn't handle it.  Perhaps I should have been able to read it and move past it but the timing and my hormones were off. Another left me sad with a comment on the size of someones ass.  Personally I don't know why that persons ass has grown to three times it's once time size but having dealt with my own health issues and weight issues this year it was hurtful but wasn't meant to be I know.  Then there are people who get off on drama.  I hate drama of any kind, but there are some out there that are drawn to it, live it and I believe need it to survive.  I try to avoid those people because life comes with enough of it's own curve balls without people helping it along.  It's going to prove I believe to be a very interesting year.  I'm hopeful to have my health and waistline and mental all back in good shape.  I'm hoping to move forward in growth of spirit and soul.  I have a wonderful set of friends and family and I know that with every set back I have I will find the strength to move past it.  I was sitting and thinking earlier about a group of friends and a conversation we had years ago.  In that conversation we all told what our worst fears were.  I said mine was growing old alone.  Well I may not have a husband or a 24/7 partner and I may or may not have that in the future but I am not alone.  I have my family.  I have my friends and I foremost have my faith that God never leaves my side.  So as people do things that make you angry or hurt your feelings I ask that you think about it before you let it get to you.  Ask yourself if they really meant to be mean or hurtful or if they just unwittingly did something without thinking.  I've found most often they are doing it without knowing and if that is the case one should be able to find it in their heart to move past it.  Sure maybe you should talk to them about it if it bothers you a lot; however, most things are not worth the lost time, fights, hurt or pain.  So lets not look for the games that people play but as the old adage goes look for the bright side.  Well that is enough of me for now.  God Bless you all and welcome to 2013.  The Mayans were definitely wrong for most of us.