For the longest time I blocked out that part of me that made me feel most human, my emotions. I remember when I was young I would cry at a sad movie and the release although sad was good for my soul. For along time I have either avoided movies that made me cry or found a way not to in the sad parts of the movies. I don't recall just when it happened or why, but today laying on the sofa I found myself watching the Chicago Hope I had taped and I cried like a baby at the end of it. It was a scene where firefighters were paying their respects to a little boy that had died. I've come to realize I need to release some of the emotions I've held in for so long. I thought it made me stronger to tuck them inside but now I think it's stronger to let them out. I need to let go of anger. I am far from perfect. I've made a million mistakes in my life and I definitely have a bunch of preconceived ideas on how things should and should not be. Perhaps that is where it all began. First and foremost I wish I had had children when I was younger, but in today's world I'm not sure children are a good idea. I do know if I had chosen to be a mom I would have been a mom. None of this bullshit about I gotta have time for me and live my life. The least you can do when you have kids is give them your all for at least 18 years. See them grown, not pawn them off every chance you get, blame them for their behavior when all they are doing is mimicking what they see. You cant teach a child not to do something by saying don't do that. They learn from watching you. Then you can't expect a child to behave for you if it doesn't respect you. But I'd get told what do I know. What I know is that children have always respected and listened to me. True I don't have them 24/7 but even if I didn't I wouldn't yell and scream and tell them what a bad kid they are. Anyone with any common sense knows that doesn't work. Then there are the parents that try to buy their kids love. It may buy their temporary devotion but it won't buy their love. I know that. It's been a long road the last couple of years. I've lost friends and family to death by them physically dying, but I've also lost them through death of the soul of who I thought they were. I love deeply. I hang on for a long time before I give up on someone, before I throw in the towel and just say what is the point. I've watched our worthless court system fail miserably too. I use to believe in the courts but with what I've witnessed lately I've given up on them. If they are that easily swayed or fooled or have that poor of judgement then I have no use for them either. I know I don't have the power to change any of it or trust me if I did I would. I also know that no matter how lonely, how said or how bad things get in my life I will fight to live my life till I can't anymore. My life is a gift that I was given by the Lord to live. I choose to make the happy moments when I can. If they ever say I killed myself, hire a team of investigators because there is no way I will go quietly into that good night. I will fight with all I have to stay alive and living with my family and friends. A friend wanted to know what was making me question my faith as of late. Well absolutely nothing can ever make me question my faith. I know God exists. I know he loves me and I know I love him. I have every faith that although I struggle it is my doing and not His. I know He listens and tries to help me find my way. So to that friend I say I have not lost my way, just strayed off the path a little. To the friend who knows who she is that I am talking about who wants to live her life for herself and not for her children, yet would argue she puts the best interest of her children first, I say bullshit to that, I do love you, but I can't even imagine the way you've chosen to live as of late has made you happy. I'm glad you have some money now, but money buys material objects and temporary good time friends only. So the things that make us human I would say are our emotions and our passions. They tell us who we are. They tell us what we need if we listen. I'm personally happy for the things that make me human and although I don't usually have enough money I am thankful for the things I have and the loved ones I do have.
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