The universe seems to be screaming at me these days. It’s telling me life is winding down or speeding up given the moment in time that it’s talking. I realize just how short our life time really is more and more with each passing day. I’m at ease with it though now more than ever. I have an extreme calmness in my life. One I am not sure how to explain. I still have ups and downs and I still have good days and bad days but most days I just live each day for what it is and try to find the joy in it. Life’s too short to spend every day being sad about the man who got away or isn’t here or the children I’ll never have and could have. It’s too short to spend precious moments worrying about things you have no control of. My test results as some of you know, and some don’t were not positive in June. I mean that as in not good results. I really have only one choice if I wish to continue on this journey for as long as possible and that is to have all the female plumbing removed. Yes, I am having a total hysterectomy in October. I haven’t told the parents yet. I’m really not looking forward to that because they will worry and I don’t like to cause them worry or grief. They have no need to though because with the removal of the female organs also goes away the threat of cancer and death associated with it. I scheduled it for October for many reasons. One I don’t really want to start menopause in ninety degree weather, two, work is extremely busy in the summer and it wouldn’t be fair to them and three a small part of me is hoping I’ll wake up and it was just a dream. I think I would have been a good mother. Hell I baby and try to take care of my family and friends and pets. I love children. I just never thought it wise to be a single parent unless you had to be and since I know where babies come from that choice was really mine now wasn’t it. I give a big pat on the back to all the single parents out there who are making it work and doing well at it, it just wasn’t what I wanted for my life or for a child. I will get through it though. I have been reading and preparing so I will be ready for it. Emotionally though it’s going to take a bit to adjust. I have a good support system though. I have a boyfriend I love very much, although I don’t get to see him as much as I would like to. I have family that is loving and supportive and I could not ask for better friends so I am certain the journey will be easier for me than for some. I have watched the surgery that will be done robotically on you tube as well. I found that kind of disturbing but informative. My doctors’ office has set me up to have some counseling on the procedure. I have watched the movies and I have had time to ponder it all and get a second and third opinion. I guess what I am saying is I am ready to do this… Oh yeah it’s only August. Sigh – waiting is not an easy thing for me I am not the most patient person. The good news is I do feel really healthy right now for the first time in what seems like months. I had almost forgotten with all the infections and crap what it was like to actually feel human on most days. I have also brought two kittens into my world to distract me. Their names are Tobias and Prancer or Toby and Prance or baby girl for short. So that is what is up with me in my world. I know I don’t update this very often anymore. I have just been so wiped out that it’s been hard to do. It feels good to have a little energy again so here is hoping 2014 is my year and that the universe never stops screaming. After all she’s pretty smart I would say.
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