The Fear Within

I survived last night. That dreaded first day of driving and walking on ice covered sidewalks and roads. That is what I tell myself today. A few years ago I was working at a company called CDS (Customized Delivery Services). They worked to deliver furniture and send repair personal for furniture for the Sears Home Furniture Store. I know they both went out of business a few years back. It's actually how I lucked into my current job I have now. Anyway one day I had a lot on my mind. There was a lot to be on my mind at that time. I felt like I couldn't breath. My chest hurt, my arm went numb and I just felt like I was going to die at any moment. I actually broke out in cold sweats. An ambulance was called and as it turns out I had what is called a panic attack. If you ever have one you will never forget it. I was prescribed a pill called Xanax for anxiety. At that time it was just the tip of the iceberg and trying to figure out what had caused it. I had never had one before. I was going to have many in the future. So what caused this panic attack? It's a simple little thing called ICE. Not in a glass for you to drink, but the kind you walk or drive on. Yes you got it. I have what is called a phobia. Something not even my family knows. I don't share a lot unless I have to about my health issues with my family because my parents are worriers and I don't like people doting over me. They know. I mean my mom seems to always know, but she doesn't say much about it or ask until I'm ready to discuss it with her. My phobia also seemed quiet foolish and I really wasn't sure I wanted them knowing. For a few years I took the medications to help with the attacks of fear, but I have learned to concur it in other ways at this point. Unless you have a phobia you just don't know how gripping and terrifying it can be. I literally have to, in my mind, tell my feet to walk. I feel a fullness in my throat. My nerves tense up. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest feels very tight. I have to force myself to walk. I have stopped dead in my track at the sight of ice on the sidewalks. It takes me three times as long to walk to my car. I remember my friend Vinnie walking me out a few times at work so I could hold his arm. Lets not even go there with driving. I have never stopped but I have sure brought the car to a crawl before while driving. I simply say a prayer and try to keep my mind off of it. I hate the winter for that reason. I mean the snow is beautiful, but the only way I would want it really around is if I could win the millions and sit in a big living room with a picture window and a fire place and never have to go anywhere. I know this fear wasn't always there so I suppose I wonder sometimes where it came from. One memory that serves was a guy who worked with me years ago named Jerry that died after falling and breaking his leg. He was a bit over weight and a blood clot formed and killed him. I also have seen so many accidents on ice and snow. Not really sure what caused it or if it was from one of these things. I just know it's there and there is now snow and I must yet again face my fears of driving and walking in the winter covered roads and sidewalks. I also outwardly know that such a high strung fear is unfounded, but that is what makes it a phobia I guess. I just need to keep working to get rid of the fear within. How about you? Anything you're afraid of?

Minute by Minute

Day by Day

Old man winter comes this way

Hour by Hour

Seems like forever

Till I feel the warmth of Spring weather

Seems like I blink

And Summers gone

Day by day fall moves along

Back to winter yet once again

Snows falling down and the ice grows thin

Won't be long

Until Spring begins

Minute by Minute

Day by Day

Old man winter is coming this way.