Fragile Life Only Good if Lived

 As my parents get older and more fragile I see the life they've lived over and over in my mind.  I believe they've had a good life and a happy one.  It's hard to think of a day when they will not be here to share in my joys and in my sorrows.  It's an awful feeling to know that all you can do is watch and do nothing to really make life better for them sometimes.  Mom has Parkinson which in it's own is a terrible disease that has left her unable to do many things she used to love to do such as garden and cook.  Dad has had to admit more here lately that he's no longer able to do what he once can and recently was in the hospital on a stay over night for the first time ever in his life.  That is saying a lot for someone who is seventy-six years old.  He's been lucky most of his life to have had the good Lord bless him with health.   It was scary that morning he woke me up to take him to the hospital.  He's not the kind of man who wants to even go to the doctor no matter what, let alone the hospital, so it scared me.  It took me back in my mind to a few years ago when he had melanoma and I was so afraid we would lose him then.  I know that day will come though I do dread it so.  I've had cousins who have lost their mates.  My cousin Bonnie lost her husband a little over four years ago and my cousin Kat lost hers a little over a month ago.  They lost their dad a few years back.  I look at that and wonder how they go on, but I know as my aunt said you just do because you have to.  My aunt lost her husband and both her parents.  My parents lost their parents.  It seems like a cycle that is foreboding.   We often hear people say we are not promised a tomorrow.  Well we aren't and I understand more with each passing day what that means.  I try to live my life to the best of my ability and I play and laugh.  Sometimes I'm not the most adult person one might say.  I love to go in the store aisles and play with the noisy toys.  I like to poke fun at people I love.  I like to go to movies and play games.  I like to go to zoo's and play with building blocks.  I guess I just don't want to grow up.  The Lord has blessed me to find someone to be with who lets me be an over grown kid.  I'm very happy to have found him or did he find me?  Either way I know that life is fragile.  It's also fleeting and can be gone in the blink of an eye.  In the end though it's not how long we are here on this earth but how well we live, laugh and love.  To Bonnie and Kat and my Aunt I would say the men you loved left too soon but they left a stamp on your heart that filled you with the warmth of truly having been loved.  That is something that a lot of people never know.  True love is fleeting and you may not have had it as long as you would like to have had it but you did have it and no one can take that away from you.  You've lived in those standards more than some ever get to live, laughed with an honest roar and loved in a way some will never know.   So life is fragile and only good if lived.  You are all still living so live, laugh and love often. Embrace your kids, your cousins and all your kin.  Life is fragile and precious.  To my love I say thank you for making me laugh and letting me be me. 

Do You Bleed Red?

Sometimes I poke myself with a lancet to see if I still bleed red.  I mean I must be an alien after all.  I don’t seem to have the same opinions as others and they sure as hell don’t seem to think I should have feelings or needs.  Do I dare dream?  One wonders.  I was brought up with good old fashioned morals and values.  I was taught manners and to do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  I get disillusioned with people when they don’t react in a way I feel appropriate. Perhaps I should be poking them to see if they bleed red.  We are all humans with human needs and desires.  We all have things that bring us joy and things that bring us pain.  No one likes to feel odd man out, but there I’ve stood most of my life.  I know there is no right or wrong in this world anymore and to hell with black and white.  There are so many shades of grey one wouldn’t be able to see any other color if they tried.  We’ve built a society full of selfish and indulgent people.  Of course that is exactly the way the Bible says it shall be in the end, so I suppose that really shouldn’t surprise me any.  I guess my difference started when I was young.  I mean I liked playing alone in my own world of imaginary hero’s.  I would go off on my bike to rescue whomever needed it and I would often spend long hours in my room listening to music and trying to interpret how the person who wrote the song was feeling at the time they wrote it.  Then there was the interpretation of the singer.  I wonder if they really understood the point that the writer was trying to convey.   I often thought I did, but as I revisit those songs in my older years I realize I only now truly understand most of them.  I never really felt part of any group.  I remember when I was growing up wondering if I were from another planet and dropped here.  I wondered if other people felt the way I did.  I never felt truly like I belonged anywhere until I met one of my best friends, Chris.  She seemed to accept me completely for who I was and truly growing up became like a sister and is still family to me today.   I have lots of family that has come to accept me.  I’m not sure that accepting and understanding are always the same thing though I suppose if anyone would they would know me best.  I am also very thankful for my sweetheart.  He’s been the answer to a long awaited journey of trying to find someone who sinks up with me and loves me without trying to change me.  He’s been more than patient and understand and often fined amusement in my odd/off the wall since of humor.   Don’t get me all.  I love all my friends, so many, too many to list.  I also know I have family and friends that may feel the same way.  It’s just hard at times being me.  I don’t fit society’s norm of what a person should be.  I don’t find countless hours of drinking and partying fun.  I’m game for a couple of drinks and some cards or even sitting and talking with people around a fire but I’m not the parting type. I also sometimes get lost in my own thought and find myself sitting while others are talking not saying a thing, just thinking and wondering.  When I do open my mouth my commentary is not always interpreted the way I meant it.  It comes off as argumentative or impassive.  I suppose it is what it is.  I also know I really am like my astrological sign in most ways.  I am a crab and I will hide away in my shell if I feel betrayed, hurt or lost.  It is who I am, but I also know that in my journey of trying to do, I’ve given my all.  You see I do bleed.  There are things that can hurt me.  Even superhero’s need to cry every now and again.  

Life's A Circle

Life’s a circle of learning, growing and returning to where we began.  I’ve done so many things in my life that I thought would make me happy.  A lot of them never came close.  I won’t say they made me miserable but the happiest I’ve been in my life is now.  I have a man in my life that accepts me for me.  I’m returning to reading the Bible and being who I have been all along.  It’s funny how we struggle so hard to find our inner person when all we have to do is be true to that voice inside us that says this is me and I will be happy with me single or with someone.  I will not change because someone finds fault with me.  No one has the right to find fault with me and often I believe when they try it’s their own faults they are running from, not mine.  I will not shy from being in the presence of strangers for I have no reason to fear them.  They will or will not like me and at the end of the day I will still be me.  I will still have purpose and I will still be happy.  They may laugh at me, I’ll simply laugh with them.  Only that which we allow to get to us can.  Life’s a series of choices.  Choose wisely and you’ll be on a path of happy days full of smiles.  Choose unwisely and it’s not the end of the world, simply pick yourself up, brush yourself off and change your path.  The past can’t be changed.  We all have baggage.  We all have regrets, and sorrows, but we also have days to stand up and be proud we are who we are.  God made you.  That is all in life you really need to know.  He chose to give you your life.  He chose to let you choose where you would go and what you would do with it.  You are still choosing as long as you’re breathing.  Seek only that you find a reason to smile and you’ll find one.  Live life.  Love with all your heart and laugh daily.  Anger, doubt, frustration and fear are all worthless emotions.  Why waste time on them? Life’s a circle and we only get one time around.  Enjoy it!

Holiday Blessings Are Once Again Upon Us...

“For whatever you celebrate this festive season (Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Santa and the gift of giving and receiving, a new year or just being alive) I would like to wish you and yours the merriest and brightest it can bring.

Ho! Ho! Ho!  Well, not quiet yet.  Recently at work I had a slow day and went ahead and did my Christmas decorations a little early.  I actually feel like celebrating the holidays for the first time in years.  I feel healthy, I'm looking at getting my life on track, my brother has a wonderful new girlfriend that fits so nicely in our family and I actually had a date that went very nicely last night.  With my decorating there were several people who felt that I was a little too early and one person even started a conversation about how we never decorate for Thanksgiving anymore, that its a lost holiday.  Well there are some decoration up in the office for Thanksgiving but fall decorations are not really my thing.  I also feel that we should all be thankful for our blessings each and every day not one day a year.  It's nice to sit down and do the family thing, but how many people do that anymore?  It's gotten so commercialized it's pathetic. I am actually looking forward to being off on Thanksgiving this year.  I have opportunity to work it and it's great money but I think this year relaxation and a movie like I did days of olden sounds wonderful.  The one thing I have always believed and always will is that every day is a blessing.  I may not feel my best but the good Lord blessed me to be here another day and looking at it I try to find the bright and shining stars and thoughts rather than the dark and bleak.  None of us have a perfect life but we have the life we have and if you look you can find the love and happiness within it.  

So Merry Christmas!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Happy Hanukkah!  Blessed Kwanzaa and may Santa bring me lots and lots of stuff... I mean may Santa be kind to you all.  ;-)

The Speed of Dating...

Men are fickle and women are gold diggers.  OK, maybe not really but how often do we hear these things?  I've never been one who understood why there were rules to dating, let alone what they are.  I am definitely different than most people from what I can tell. I suppose that is not a good thing or a bad thing it just is.  I like to make friends with people and once I do they are usually a part of my heart so even if we aren't dating I will chat with them.  This seems to be taboo to most people.  I like to give to people my time, things they like and yes even some times advice they probably don't want or solicit.  It's just who I am.  I love life.  I like doing things with people, but I also like my alone time.  I have never found someone I was willing to give up my freedom for yet.  That in itself I am told is a scary proposition.  I mean because I'm 48 and never went through with a marriage some people assume I wouldn't or I never will.  That is not true.  If I found someone who treated me right and whom I felt I could have a good life with I would have no problem.  I've just mostly dated losers in my life and have not felt obligated to join their train of self destruction and pity.  If you're reading this right now and we used to date you'll have to be the judge of whether that is you or not or whether we just didn't click as more than friends.  I am guessing it won't be that hard for most of you to figure out.  I have also found that some of the guys I have went out with were very quick to judge with very little facts something I've said about my life that they have no knowledge of why I would say that but assume it's wrong.  An example of this is my niece asking me questions she probably should have asked her mother.  I answered them because if you knew her mother you'd know the mother ship needs to beam her back up and the prospect of the information she would have given the poor child is scary at best.  The person I was on a date with though told me it wasn't my place.  No knowledge of the history or abuse or what type of person she is.  Judged, found guilty and put in a category.  I am sort of getting used to that though.  I also was told by that same person that they liked me, but I'm just a little heavier than they would like to date and that although they know I am losing weight and I will they don't want to wait the 18 months for me to get into the shape they would like me at.  I like him, but he needs to grow up and face some facts.  I want a person who will be with me through it all.  We are not promised to be what we are at the time we meet someone all our lives.  We could get sick or be in a disfiguring car accident.  I want someone who loves me.  It's OK to have looks but I know that it's more important to find someone who will be there for you.  Work with you on it.  I would have loved if he'd have started working with me on me and yes he told me multiple times how beautiful I was but I still wasn't good enough for him in his eyes which told me he wasn't right for me.  Good guy, love spending time with him, but I want a man that is there for better or worse.  Is that impossible to find?  I really don't think it is.   I do know I want what I want and until I find it I will keep looking.  If I never find it I'm happy with me.   Another issue with dating is guys wanting to know about my financial stability.  Now when I was younger I sort of got this, but now I'm 48.  my debts or lack there of are not going to be my partners issues.  Whatever we come into with will be our own.  If we choose to share it we do if not I've been paying my own way for thirty years now.  I'm not looking for a man to financially take care of me.  I want a partner in everything that we can do together that involves our time and love.  So today's fast paced dating world which has rules and goes 85 miles per hour will have to back up and understand I'm still stuck at 35 mpg and some pretty old fashioned ideas.  I want to cook for my man.  I want to clean house and go shopping for him.  I want to spend time at the movies with him and go for walks in the park or a local game.  I want him to want to make sure my car is in good shape, my shoulders are rubbed and an arm is there to go around me when I need it.  I don't think I'm asking for that much but then again like I said I really don't think I fit in. Maybe Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars but I'm beginning to think my home planet is Pluto.

I'm Not Broken

I may get sad and cry sometimes

Memories of what could have been

Thoughts of you still cross my mind

Sure I miss you now and then

I walk this road alone it seems

No two roads diverged for me

It’s true that I’ve been broken

But I’m not broke, my soul is free

Troubled times come for everyone

They make us stronger in the end

So my journey is not over

I’m not broke, I’m on the mend

I might have cried to think of you

But that was oh so long ago

Now I simply sip my tea

After all I’m the one who let you go

Troubled times come for everyone

They make us stronger in the end

So my journey is not over

I will not break, I’ve learned to bend

Life is a struggle and a blessing

Free will my curse and my gift

So I will always thank my Father

Say a prayer of thanks, my life to live

Troubled times come for everyone

They make us wise and make us strong

So if you’re thinking that you broke me

Let me tell you, you are wrong

So if you think that you broke me

I’m not broken, I’m simply free

Sheila Short (2015)

Oppression Be Damned… And Those Who Would Can Bite Me….

OK, so with every year that goes by I learn more and more about myself. I suppose if I didn’t I would be dead. I’m beginning to think that Maxine from the cartoon Crabby Roads and I are living the same life at times. I’ve always tried to be a giving girlfriend or partner or heck even friend but I’m finding the old saying love yourself first to be quiet true. I refuse to be depressed and down over stupid shit and other people’s Idiotic opinions anymore. Today I was sitting at my desk getting kind of down because I’m thinking I’m 48 and I spend a majority of my time alone. Of course spending time alone isn’t all bad. I rarely find I argue with myself. I never forget to throw out the empty milk carton, there is always toilet paper on the roll and I know exactly how to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube. Sitting there I thought to hell with people who want me to be someone else to be in their life. So I grabbed my little MP3 Player, popped in the earbuds and did a thirty minute Jam session walking lunch break. It was awesome. As I walked I thought and for the first time ever when I’ve been in this mood not one damn tear dropped from my eyes, instead, just like that little warm tingle in the Grinch’s heart, I got pissed off that someone would tell me I need to do anything to be in their life. If you don’t like me the way I am shove off. I’ve figured out finally that I’ve allowed people to oppress me within my lifetime. First I did it growing up with my dad. I love my dad and he’s a good man, but I don’t feel anything I’ve ever done has ever been good enough for him. I’ve always felt like the failure he raised rather than the person I am. I am far from a failure. Then I let the men I dated oppress me by giving in to whatever they wanted to do, where they wanted to eat, their time schedules, you name it I was there. I thought that was how it had to be. Then a man in 93 oppressed me into fear for many years. Not going to go into that one. Work, religion, family obligation, you name it I was being held back by my idea of what it should be. I believe everyone does this to some extent and I suppose they live through it but I’m 48 and I’m done saying when is it going to be my turn. I don’t come when anyone snaps their fingers or whistles anymore. I will still love, still be me, still help out… There was no invasion of the body snatchers here I’m just saying I’m not going to cow-tail to anyone to make them happy. It’s not my job to make them happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Am I the only one feeling this way? So Oppression be damned because I’m not your beeeaaach anymore.