Until We Meet Again

It's funny the things we choose to remember from our childhood and the times we choose to remember them.  Some memories are bright and vivid and full of color, so much so that one could almost reach out and find themselves fully seated in the past.  Other memories sit so far back that even when we want to pull them forward they are slightly out of focus for us.  My uncle Harvey was laid to rest today.  I loved him; although I didn't know him well.  It's unfortunate that we live so far from family and that life keeps us so busy we don't get to be near our families like we would like to be.  The few memories I do have of my uncle though are very pleasant.  It's rare for one to have no ill or bad memories of any relative, but I honestly have nothing negative to say and no bad memories of him.  I remember a time when lots of family were at his and my aunt Gertie's home and my cousin Dwayne was about two and he was dancing for uncle Harvey.  I remember him laughing and laughing at how cute he thought it was.  I have other memories but that one stands most vivid in my mind on this day.  I think it's important when we look back on someones life to be able to remember them smiling and happy.  It's never easy to think of a piece of our past or a portion or our present as being gone and no longer obtainable.  I know his family all loved him.  I know this will be hard on them. I can't even imagine how hard it will be when the day comes for me to say goodbye for that final time to my mom or my dad.  I know it's coming; I watch as they slip further and further but it's still not something I'm ready to face as much as I think I'm strong when it comes to facing death.  I have seen death many times and lost many that I long to see again some day.  I still, even knowing that death is not an end, don't wish to say good bye and not have my loved ones here to hold.  I know when I do have to face it though I have many who love me and who will be there to support me.  I am lucky in that respect.  For all my family and friends, whether I see you daily or only speak with you occasionally or even only connect on face book.  I love you.  To uncle Harvey I hope you're smiling and laughing and waiting on those you left behind until we all can meet again.

The Sin's of Being Human...

It would be easy to look at someones life from the outside and see it as perfect, for one fleeting moment to forget that they are human.  You may see someone who has a fancy car, a fancy house, the idea job and the perfect looking family and be green with envy.  Things are often not what they seem though.  That person may be fighting alcoholism or may have cancer.  That person may hate their job or be hiding their true desire to run and do nothing more than flip burgers. They may be spending so much time at work that they have no time to enjoy their car, their home or their family.  The old saying the grass is always greener on the other side was formed for a reason.  I had a customer once tell me the grass is always greener on the other side because it's covered in manure.  It could also be because that is where the bodies are hidden.  We all as humans have preconceived notions of where we should be at certain ages, what we should have accomplished and even things we should or should have known better than to not do or to do.  The truth is there is no perfect path for anyone.  Some people may find money easily, while others may struggle.  Some people may find love early while others come to it late in life.  As for doing stupid things I'm willing to bet even Donald Trump would tell you he's done more than his share of things he wanted to kick himself for after having done them.  I look at my life and I know some would judge me, but in truth I am no more or less important for not having become a mother or for not being married at this point in my life.  I am happier than I have been in my entire life and I made some horrific decisions early on in life and I'm willing to bet I'll make some not so great decisions in the future.  Would I like to have found this inner peace earlier.  Hell yes, but it is what it is.  A person should not be judged for the possessions they own, the family the have or the items they can or can not purchase, but rather for the soul that they enlighten, the company they give and the love and light that they shine and share.  No matter where you are at in your life just remember it's a phase, and it could be better or it could be worse.  The thing to remember is no matter what put you where you are, you have the ability to change it one direction or the other and even if you pick the wrong options, it's OK to be human as long as you give it your best and if it was a mistake learn from it and never repeat it.  The sins of being human is the price we pay for the rights to choose our direction and our life.  So enjoy it, embrace it and learn from it. 

Reflection Time

It's that time of year that I reflect on my life and where I'm at again.  I know most people do that at New Years butt I do it each year as I approach my birthday.  I'll be 45 this year.  Seems like I should be sixteen.  Would I trade it back?  Only if I could be the person I am today inside and emotionally.  It's been a hard year.  I still miss my friend Rob a lot.  I have family that I somehow doubt will be with us this time next year.  I have aging parents and thoughts of when they are gone how much I will miss them; yet I intend to enjoy them while they are here.  In reality all we can do is live each day and try never to waste a moment that we have to live.  In reflection comes cleaning.  I am at a point in my life where I hate clutter and I live in a very tiny apartment so I'm into purging things right now and trying to figure out how I'm going to get down to that hotel like living.  As I clean I see things that bring memories.  Some of them pleasant, some not so much.  I also see things and wonder when they hell I bought that.  I don't remember it, having seen it since I bought it probably and wonder what was going through my mind when I did cause it sure wasn't anything rational.  It's a good day for me to clean cause I really am in a throw it out mood.  Anyone else need it cleaned up?  We really have gotten to be a society of people who want "STUFF".  We may never use the stuff and we may never see it, but we have to have it come hell or high water.  Not me.  Now I just wish I had more free time.  I have been spending a lot of time in Indy because it's fun for me.  I have a couple of wonderful friends there and it's a get away for me from my life and the reality of day to day.  I love my parents, but living next door to them is difficult at times.  It doesn't give me much privacy and yet I wouldn't trade my time I have gotten to spend with them for anything.  What will the next year bring?  Hopefully better health and happiness for all my family and friends.  The year started out rough so it should be better now, I would hope.  My health is what it is.  Hopefully in November everything will be thumbs up.  Meanwhile I'm getting back to the gym.  I'm getting back to walking and working on eating healthier and I'm working on making me the best I can.  In the end that is all we can do.  Reflection is good for the soul.  Walking and cleaning are my best two ways to have that inner reflection.  Well, this was just a short break, no pun intended, from cleaning.  Time for more purging.  Happy Fathers day to all the dads out there.

4000 Women Will Likely Die this Year from Cervical Cancer

That is a lot of women that could potentially die and I know it's an estimated statistic from past years.  The good news is that over the last fifty years death rates have decreased by over 74% from this disease.  The main reason for that is early detection thanks to yearly exams.  If it's found early there is every reason to believe your life will be just as long and healthy as it was before it was found.  Sounds good to me.  It's all conjecture in a way though.  You hear these odds and you think great,but what happens when you fall in the percentage that die?  Sad thing is a lot of the women who are dying are probably not getting tested and the cells that cause this horrible cancer are present in most men and women.  Yes I know men don't have a cervix,  but from what I've read prostate cancer can be caused from these same cells.  Until I was diagnosed with "abnormal" cells I wasn't aware of just how huge of a problem this was.  I've talked to tons of women about their issues they have had with Displaysia of the cervix.  Some who had just mild cases, some who had moderate and some with severe. Some had precancerous cells, some did not.  Some went through what I went through with the freezing of my cervix, which hurt like hell, to then getting a Leep procedure, to then eventually having a hysterectomy.  If you recall I was told that freezing the cervix takes care of the issue in 92% of the cases.  Well, lucky me I fell into the 8% mark.  Then on this one I was told 80% success rate and if it's a no go then hysterectomy.  So I'm nervous about my November 5th appointment to see what will happen.  I did go back to see the doctor last week and she did say everything looked good.  It was worse than they had initially thought.  There was more swelling and more cells and you get it right... They are fairly sure they did though.  I am on folic acid to help keep it at bay.  Yeah vitamin I knew basically nothing about but it boost your metabolism, helps with your immune system and ladies if you want to try to avoid this it's a good idea to take it.  It also helps your energy level and most people are depleted of it. Wish I had known that earlier.  Men it's good for you too.  I feel better than I have in a long long time.  I'm pleased to say between the thyroid medications and the folic acid I'm starting to drop the weight again and feel better about me.  It was severely depressing to be watching what you eat and still gain weight.  Not fun and something to remember.  Not everyone over weight is that way because of what they eat.  I literally for two weeks ate nothing but Chicken, boiled eggs, veggies an fruits and gained 15 pounds.  It seems that when your thyroid isn't working your body has a tendency to store everything you eat so good thing I wasn't pounding down donuts I guess but geesh.  Hopefully though this summer I will have some time to write some fun posts on here.  I just thought I would throw out some stats in hopes that all my female friends will go get their yearly exams.  It's important.  I want to keep you all around for a while and what I'm finding is this is very very very very common.  It's been a long year for many reasons.  Lots of death all around us everywhere.  Don't be one of them.  Get checked.  I know it's scary.  It's scary to think about, and to worry about and when you're going through it you always fear the worst but stay positive.  If anyone out there has any questions or wants to know anything or just wants support because you're going through it feel free to email me and we'll arrange a time to talk.  Sheilavz@frontier.com 

Whispers In The Morning

I hear whispers in the morning when I wake.  Quiet echo’s of dreams, the prior day events gone past and fears.  Always every morning a replay of the day before and a thought that perhaps today will repeat or change dramatically.  I often wonder how many people wake like this.  At the close of each night I try to wipe everything from my thoughts.  I try to think of each new day as a new slate and a new beginning.  I spoke recently with a friend that said he never sleeps more than four hours a night and then it’s broken sleep.  He said his events of the day and things that he could get or should get done yet keeps playing through his mind and no matter how hard he tries he can’t get to sleep. I recommended to him that he perhaps should try meditation or some tea before bed and explained to him that he needs to remind himself that there is nothing that can be done about any of these things in the middle of the night.  I feel for him because the body does really need it’s rest to function properly.  I don’t think I’m reaching to say all my friends probably think my mind is warped.  I say some of the most off the wall things and something someone says can have the most strange effect on where it sends my mind.  I’m always forever more hearing songs from something someone will say.  An example of this is a girl at work said something the other day about her boy and the old song “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” started playing through my head.  Just like that with one little word a whole song and me trying to get it out were stuck up there.  I also often wonder who is feeling exactly the same way I am at any given moment or who has thought the same thoughts or felt the same way.  Did you ever wonder when you were a kid if you were the only person on the planet that was human?  Think Aliens had abducted you and were living all around you because you felt so different from everyone else?  I’ve never quiet felt like I belonged much of anywhere which is why I’m glad for my multi-colored, multi-talented and much loving set of friends fell into my life.  If we’re going to play one of these things isn’t like the others I want to play to win.  Just kidding but they do help me with their diversity I feel to grow as a human being.  They help me to see that differences are not a threat but a good thing.  I was listening to the Pat Miller Program the other day and he said he thought Dick Clark should have stopped being on television and stepped aside after his stroke because it made him feel uncomfortable.  Not because he disrespected Dick Clark.  I have no doubt from the way he spoke he had great respect for the man, but because he remembered him the way he was.  I think Dick Clark did exactly what he should have.  I tried to call the show but held for too long and gave up.  By doing what he did Dick Clark showed the world that he wasn’t going to let life pass him by handicapped or not.  He wasn’t going to sit on that rocker and just give into life.  He wasn’t going to let people see him whipped by a circumstance he had little control over.  He wasn’t going to hide in shame or cower in the corner or just give up.  I think he did step aside for the most part, but no Pat I think he did as he should.  Perhaps our kids won’t remember, unless we help them, the Dick Clark we knew when we were young but what they will have seen is a man who didn’t shy away from the camera because he made people feel uncomfortable.  He didn’t let life beat him and he didn’t let people who might mock him stop him.  So I’ve felt the odd one in the crowd before for many reasons and I wanted to hide.  He gave strength in his way of handling it to many and he will be missed.  Good night Dick Clark until you count us down again.

Step By Step and I'm a Science Project

Step by step.  Baby steps.  Walking through it all in my mind.  Last week the nurse practitioner told me if it takes more than 48 hours for the test results to come back the results are probably not good.  She looked at me and said I really don't know why.  I looked at her and said maybe they want to recheck them before they tell someone their life is f***.  I called this morning.  It had been a week today.  They acted almost annoyed that I was calling again.  Said they had me on their planner to call just as soon as the results came in.  So what were the results.  Same as they were before I ever got my cervix frozen in the first place.  Still bad old cells that really need to get the heck out of my body to ensure my long life.  So what is next is a procedure called "LEEP" or Loop electrical excision procedure.  It basically means they are going to take a knife sharp looped tool and go in with a special scope find the cancerous or bad cells and use the tool to cut them out.  They will go well below the places to ensure they get all of it.  This all takes place with a local anesthetic and it all takes place in the doctors office not a hospital.  I will go in and have the procedure and an hour later I'll be at my desk at work.  Some bleeding and probable lots of pain.  In and out.  Just like that and I'm just suppose to take it with a grain of salt.  Then more wait time, retest an go from there.  In and out just like that.  It's nerve racking at best, and today I found myself half wishing no one knew cause then I could bury my head and pretend it isn't happening.  That isn't me though.  I tell my stories, what happens to me and what I go through for several reasons.  One to get it out so it doesn't drive me insane and two to help others who may go through this.  I have had an enormous amount of support and women who have had the same thing happen to them and they give me encouragement.  It's scary being a female and going to the gynecologists office. You just never know what they are going to say and each time I go I am more nervous than the last these days because all I want to do is have it all done and it just keeps going and going and going.  I think my doctor can afford that new BMW now since I keep going in.  Well that was just a quick update.  I'll keep chugging along and I appreciate every one's support.  Right now though I just want to get the next step done and go from there and forget it as much as possible.  We'll see what happens.  It's making me feel like a high school science experiment though.  You know lets see what happens if we do this? 

Customer Service and Kindness

For the last several months it seems all I have gotten when I go to places is tacky at best customer service.  I think most of these companies have forgotten that the customers experience will decide whether they return or continue to do business with them or not.  I know most of these companies have also forgotten that your customers experience good or bad comes from how the employee feels about their job. An example of poor service?  Well I have several.  I think other than the occasional shake I'll go get I've given up on the Wendy's in Fort Wayne. They are never really very friendly.  They also assume things like that I would want a spoon rather than a straw with my shake.  Yep.  Last 4 times and they looked at me like I had three heads when I asked for a straw.  To me it's like DUH Shake here.  Then you almost have to beg them for napkins.  I guess they are figuring that is what your sleeve is for.  Now I say Fort Wayne because I have been to the Wendy's in Indy several times and it's like evasion of the body snatchers, they are friendly, polite, give you a spoon and a straw and OMG napkins!  Your service in most of these places is not much better.  I really think they need to think about their service before they act and whether that customer will ever return.  I do most of my shopping at Meijer.  Not because they have lower prices but because they are more helpful and friendlier than their competitor.  I shop Target because their people are ALWAYS friendly to me no matter what and I know their prices are not the lowest.  No matter how good a product is the service is what sells it in the end.  I always use to tell a friend of mine that liked Ford's that I wouldn't have one.  He said why they are gorgeous cars.  I was like yeah but I like my car running.  If you have a Ford and it works good my appologies but I have had nothing but trouble from them and don't know anyone else who's had good luck including this guy whose vehicle was in the shop (brand new vehicle) every time he looked around.  I don't care if it's comfortable and gorgeous.  The service on it sucks if it's constantly broken even if friendly people are saying sorry it's down again.  It's just a fact in my life. One exception here is Ford Trucks now those suckers run and they run very well.  Cars not so much.  So as of late I've been watching my own avoidance of places from their customer service and getting discouraged because I just assumed there was no where left where you got good service.  This past week I found a service center and employee that cared.  I went to Midas on North Coliseum out by Kmart.  I went in there at 5pm on Friday to have them check my brakes which were rubbing or pulsating.  I expected hundred of dollars of work and prepared for the worst.  Scott the guy behind the counter apologized and said they could check them but if they needed work it would have to be on another day since they close at six.  His guy came out and said there is nothing wrong with them.  Specs are fine.  I said I know there's something wrong with them.  Scott then went for a drive with me in my car so he could figure out what I was talking about. He said he'd learned the customer knew their car and if they said something was wrong it was.  so it didn't take him long to agree with me.  They just need reconditioned and cleaned.  Old man winter had rust in there and it was making it hard for things to maneuver.  So Saturday morning he fit me in, knew I had to be to work at 10:30 and promised to get it done in time.  He gave me the remote to the television to flip through the channels and kept me updated on my car.  While I was in there a homeless man came in and needed money.  He gave the guy a couple of bucks.  I was awed.  Great, honest and friendly service and my work was completed just as promised on schedule.  If this guy could bottle up what he has going for him and his shop and sell it to companies the economy would be booming and business would be back to giving good customer service.  I don't wow easy.  So for me this was a great experience.  It was also a pleasant surprise to have great customer service and kindness all in one spot.  Made for a nice start of a Saturday morning.