Mother… My Saving Grace….

The days this week seem like my mood. One minute it’s gloomy and the next it’s bright and shiny. I’m working on my moods and my mental health though. I’ve known for years that the keeper of our happiness is within our own selves. With that being said I got to thinking that I don’t understand why we wait till someone is gone to immortalize them with our words about how great they are. Some people I know would never in a million years hear those words but me I love my parents both of them, but I’ve always sort of thought of my mother as a saint. She’s the most caring soul I’ve ever known. I’m forty-seven years old and I’ve only seen her angry that I can recall twice in my life. She loves everyone (with the exception of one) unconditionally. Even that one that I put in quotes my mother would do anything for. That is just the way she is. She doesn’t care that my friends are black or white, straight or gay, friends or lovers. All she knows is that they are God’s children and she’s supposed to and does love them. Now does that mean she agrees with their or my life choices? Probably not, but she won’t call you out on the carpet. It’s just not her style. She will lovingly give you advice and she might tell you she’ll pray for you and hopes you will make peace with God, but she won’t judge you herself. My mother is one that would literally give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. I’ve heard many people say that and knowing the person wouldn’t literally do it, but my mother would. Most of my friends have met my mother so I’m sure you know what a sweet and wonderful woman she is without my having to tell you. She does get hurt feelings though and for me that is hard to watch knowing that even those that hurt her she still loves, still cherishes and still wants around her as often as possible. It’s hard watching my sweet and wonderful mother go through what she is now. It’s hard to understand. She’s never cussed, never drank or smoke and has loved so openly and much. My mother has Parkinson’s. It’s an awful disease that is trapping her mind inside her body slowly. I’ve read up on it. I know what to expect as the months and years go by, but that doesn’t make it easier. In the last year the disease has hit her hard. She’s now using a walker or being led around to walk and that is when she can. She gets stuck. She knows she wants her feet to move but her mind no longer talks to her body the way it should. Sometimes you have to move them for her. She is getting hunched in her back and her vocal chords are starting to go too. She’s down to 122 pounds. Now for those that don’t know what that means only three years ago she was around 165 and a year ago she was still around 145. She can’t eat the way she should. She has a hard time swallowing and chewing. She’s basically just wasting away a little at a time. She has stomach issues as well. She’s not like she was. You sit in a room with her and she’ll talk to you for a while but often she gets that far off distant look in her eyes and fades out of the conversation. The Christmas shopping trip we did every year as a tradition no longer exists for she’s not able. She doesn’t leave the house often and only in short periods when she does. She will never likely be back to her home town of Pippa Passes, Kentucky. There are people she will never see again. Her family that lives close rarely comes to see her with the exception of my aunt Jib and her children. She longs to hear from them and see them but they don’t come see her and they probably don’t realize a thirty or forty minute trip in a car is hard for my mother these days. She goes to church rarely. It’s hard for her to talk for more than a few minutes on the phone. My Grandmother Lula’s favorite song was “Give Me the Roses While I live.” I think we have it wrong in life. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives when we should relish every moment. I miss the mother I had. I love her I still am happy to have her but it’s not the same woman at this time. She’s not going to be with us much longer would be my guess so if you want to see her you might want to put her on your busy calendars and get there. My mother was a stay at home mom when I was growing up. She was always there for us. We had home cooked meals. She read to us and played with us. She kept the house clean and our clothes sewn and washed. She kissed our boo boo’s and she held us close when we needed it. She made us soup when we were sick and she wiped our nose when it ran and even cried when she had to send me off to kindergarten. My mother was happy when school breaks came because she got to spend time with us. Do you know how disgusted I get these days when I hear mothers cheer their children growing up and moving out? My mother had two children. My brother is older than I. She adopted through love a multitude of children over the years though. She is beautiful inside and out and she always will be. So I’m saddened at the thought of losing her but it’s the cycle of life unfortunately. It’s what is meant to be. I will mourn and I will cry when she’s gone but there has never been a better person or a more Christian person that I have known in my life so I am sure when it is her time to go God will hold her close to him and comfort her. I love my mother. When I have felt lost she’s always been there. My mother… my saving grace.

The Only Way to Make Your Life Better is to get off Your Rear and Do it Yourself!

 

 

My second cousin recently posted this on his FACEBOOK page and it got me to thinking just how true this is.  I mean I have never once not gotten back to someone who's important to me and I have always made time for those I love if I can.  I know it may just be a hi or hello or a text or a phone call or even a nod on FACEBOOK but I always keep in touch with those I love in some way  For the last few months though I haven't really been spending much time with anyone.  I kind of withdrew into work and sleep.  This shouldn't be looked at as if I don't care.  I do.  I do want to make time for people but sometimes it's hard emotionally.  I've been going through a lot, especially since I had my hysterectomy emotionally.  So today I saw a counselor for the first time in years.  Yes, I've seen one before.  It felt good to talk to someone I can say everything and anything to.  I know we have friends and family that we talk to and there are some that know us so well it's scary; however, I doubt any of us tell anyone that is in our life everything.  Look at Robin Williams and his recent suicide.  Do you believe anyone really knew how badly he was feeling?  Do you believe there is anyone out there that had they known would not have done everything to help him through it?  No, I'm not suicidal.  If anyone ever says I killed myself please step up and point out this post.  No matter how bad things seem I know there is a sunny sky somewhere on the horizon.  I know that taking ones life doesn't take away ones pain, it only displaces it onto your family and friends.  So understanding that I've been fine the last while at work while I'm busy and that keeping my mind busy keeps me perked up for the most point I need to start getting back to the gym on a regular schedule and I need to get out in the world and see my friends.  I think there is nothing wrong with anyone saying I need someone to talk to.  There is nothing wrong with the recognition that you need help.  For me it was the overwhelming sadness I would feel just walking around a grocery store by myself or when I'm at home alone.  I need to find the best me and make myself happy and that is exactly what I plan on doing.  Life is precious.  None of us should just sit on the sidelines and watch it go by.  Live, Laugh and Love.  It's why we were all put here in the first place.  Love you guys. 



What is Love?

I suppose one could say I’m a little twisted, or maybe I’m normal. Who knows what any of that means anymore? I suppose every generation see’s theirs as the one that had life more simple and humble. I really should have been born much earlier. I would love to have been a stay home wife and raised children and kept house. That wasn’t the plan that God had for me though. At least that wasn’t His plan for me in this lifetime. I do believe our childhood was a simple one. We played with mud and sticks and climbed trees. We lived outside no matter the temperature. We loved it. We knew the neighborhood kids and we knew how to be creative. It’s sad that technology and lack of most parents’ ability to parent are taking that away from our children. Children need to be outside. They need to learn creativity. Our future for this world is bleak without that. They no longer need to see a stick as a horse or a gun as they play cowboys and Indians. As a matter of fact our society would lock them away for playing cops and robbers. How stupid have people become that they believe children playing with toy guns and imitating movies for play makes them criminals? Children become criminals for many reasons. Some of my opinions on why are because we’ve become a society of entitlement. They feel they are entitled to do or take whatever they want. They are constantly told they are good even when they are not. We haven’t taught them to respect anything or anyone. The Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. Don’t get your panties in a wad people; I’m not into beating kids. I don’t believe in beating children. I also though do not believe that warming their behinds every now and then hurts them either though. I think parents should allow some game time and some television time, but they would be better to make their kids do art, read, exercise, do work around the house. Make their children strong and give them ethics instead of caving into what is easier because they are exhausted. No, I’m not a parent. I wish I were. I’ve dealt with my fair share of children though and without any incidents I’m happy to say. None of this has to do with the title above though or maybe it does. I mean if we truly love our children the way I believe we are supposed to we want what is best for them before all else. After all children do not ask to be born, but rather either we are negligent or we decide we want children. Either way it’s our responsibility to guide them and direct them in every way possible to give them the best possible life. What I am contemplating today is how people view love and what it means to love or be in love. Granted they are two totally different ends of a similar scope. I mean when you’re in love with someone you love them, but when you love someone you are not necessarily “in” love with them. Now I know love is always a little one sided but it’s usually pretty even I believe if it’s true love. I know how I feel it is. If I love someone I go out of my way for them. I try to make sure they know it. If I’m in love with someone I not only do the aforementioned but I also try to make sure I don’t hurt their feelings with non-relevant side to what may change about their appearance. You see I know that especially for men what they see is important. Women feel that way too guys, but a difference in me that I don’t know if other people have is I don’t have to be attracted to a guy by appearance to want him sexually. Maybe that is what first attracts you to someone but I can see a guy who’s hot as hell and have no interest in sex or a relationship with him for the way he acts. Arousal to me is about how someone stimulates your senses and your mind. Now I know we are talking about love and not arousal but if you’re in love with someone you want to make them happy in my mind which means you want to satisfy them in every way possible that you can. We aren’t promised we’ll always look the way we did when we met someone. We could get in a car accident or we could have cancer or a whole world of possible other things will occur. I mean natural aging is one example. What I want out of love is someone who’s willing to be with me thru it all. Stick by me. Encourage me with love and optimizing behavior to produce that. I know self-worth is found inside you; however, emotional stability can be hindered by so many sources. Love is important for everyone. Whether we believe that love is important to us or not it is. I guess the question really is what is love? I mean can you love someone and put them down? Can you love someone and lie to their face constantly about the smallest of things? If you love someone do you criticize and find fault with them? I guess I am a little twisted. In reality I suppose we are all a little twisted at times. Love isn’t defined by one act, it’s not sex, but intimacy is important to any relationship worth having. Love should not be hard or painful. What is it the bible says? Love is patient. Love is kind. For me I guess love truly is blind because it will never be about looks or what someone has or lacks in monetary worth or physical abilities. Love for me is forgiving and trusting. It knows without heavy burden or doubts. In the end I suppose each of us really does have to stop and ask ourselves, what is love?

Life is What it Is...

I never dreamed when I was a child I’d live past thirty, let alone be getting ready for my forty-seventh birthday this summer. Life is a strange journey. When I talk about my life with people some understand me, some think I’ve had a lot happen, some don’t believe me. It is what it is seems to be one of my favorite things to say these days. I didn’t necessarily follow a conventional path. I was never sure of much in my life. I knew I wanted someone to love me for me unconditionally. I always wanted children, but that is something I may never have and if I do it will be through adoption. I was born in the wrong error for me. Some of my family and friends will find this hard to believe but my perfect life would have been to have been a stay at home mom. With kids in the back yard playing, I’d be baking cookies and setting drinks out for all the neighborhood children. I would love to have kept a house and made someone who loved me happy. Careers are fine and I know there are some women who would kill for them, but that isn’t me. A job or a career is fine, but life is best lived with family, not with work or money. I’m not a material girl, as Madonna professed to be in one of her songs. I just need enough to pay my bills and live. My favorite times are sitting with family and friends, talking, watching movies or telling stories of days gone by. I love the park. I love taking walks and would love to get a bike and just ride. I spent twenty-four years in college studying different things. I love to learn. I love to people watch and speculate about what they are thinking and what kind of life they may have had. I am blunt and honest to a fault unless you give me justifiable reason not to be. I love life and the Lord, although you won’t find me often in church. Not because I don’t like going to church but because I won’t be a hypocrite and go in and pretend to be someone I’m not. I love the old regular Baptist church but if I went with my family I would not feel right with my makeup on because my mom and dad don’t believe that way. I feel I would be disrespectful to them. I don’t feel bad in my makeup though and I don’t think God is unhappy with me for wearing it. I have given Him plenty of other reasons not to be happy with me. I live and let live. I try not to judge people and I don’t want to be judged. I do know a liar when I see one though. There are all walks in this life. I recently told someone about some of my experiences. You see I’ve met the devil and I’ve met the Lord. I was lying in bed one night wide awake and saw Satin at the end of my bed. I was plenty scared but called on the Lord and he vanished. The lights were on and I was sober and awake. It was an awaking for me that he does exist and that I do need to live right. Funny thing is us humans are slow to learn at most things. The Lord, Jesus visited me in a dream. It was real. I felt unworthy and He came to me and walked and talked with me in my dream. He wanted me to understand that God doesn’t make anyone who is unworthy or unloved. I have dreams that come true, but I am not psychic nor do I profess to be. I do have the ability to know what people are feeling though and often that can be a pain in the rear. I have friends and acquaintances’ from all walks of life. I am lucky enough to have had really good, loving, caring friends for most of my life. The kind of friends I could ask anything of and I would do anything for. Then I have acquaintances which I have around for fun, but I don’t trust and with good reason. An example of one of these is a woman who doesn’t believe faith wise as I do. Said when we met she wouldn’t try to come between me and someone else, yet constantly tells that person I’m insecure, what I say can’t possibly be true, etc. This person is not good at hiding it’s her that does it either because they will tell me something and then say oh it’s not so and so I heard that from either. I know that person well enough to say that indirectly they are saying it is that person. I hate drama, but I have lots of it around me all the time. I feel that is because I won’t play the games that some people so desperately need to play. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I won’t pretend I don’t believe the way I do. I have a very good friend who I know doesn’t believe in my dreams, he doesn’t probably believe I’ve met Jesus or the devil. The difference in him and this woman is he would never harm me with his beliefs or belittle me because of them. He would simply say nothing or say he doesn’t believe that way. I respect that because I will tell you some of the things I’ve witnessed in my life I would never believe if someone else told me. Some things you must see for yourself. I consider myself lucky though because I do know with certainty that there is life after death. Death is not an ending. I do have friends that know what I am saying is true from their own experience. I had a friend come to see me years back and before she could tell me why she came to see me I told her she was pregnant and even gave her information about the father of her baby. Psychic no, it’s that feeling thing I was talking about. Picked up on it, her emotions, I could feel that there was an extra life that was with her. Little did she know the journey she was beginning on, yet I doubt if you asked her today she’d trade it for the world. She has a beautiful daughter and granddaughter that mean more than most will ever have. So life has taken me farther and I will keep learning and growing because I am never really sure of much in my life. I’m not really sure where I’m headed or why I am who I am. I do know that life is what it is and that is all I need to know for now.

When and If Winter Ever Ends...

Anyone think winter will finally leave and the summer skies will appear? I’m hoping so. I’ll probably be journaling a lot about walking and the gym again. I have to get me back on track for me. While I was sick it was really hard because it was depressing and I didn’t feel well. I was nauseous a lot and I was so easy to tire out. It was easy for me to just eat whatever was in reach and sleep most of the time. It’s been great getting up in the morning feeling healthy and rested. I had forgotten what that was like. I started hitting the diet and gym about five weeks ago again. So far I’m down fourteen pounds. It’s a start. I like it and I’m pushing myself more and more. It’s a selfish year for me. I will be happy because I will make my own happiness. I don’t have the energy to expel on worries of the past or on the haters. The other day I was proud of myself for holding out and doing the 45 minutes and burning over 500 calories and of course there were haters that said I was lying even though I put up a picture of it to prove it. What did they think I went to the person beside me and said can I take a picture of that – it’s awesome. I have more self- esteem than that and absolutely no reason to lie about it. I have a point to prove, but only to me and I have no room for any of that crap in my life. I want to spend time outdoors and enjoy life this summer. Time is going by so quickly. So any fake friends should beware, while true friends should get ready for lots of laughs and good times this summer. I’m on the mend and back to the old me or the new and improved me. We will just have to see where we end up when and if Winter ever ends.

A New Year and a New Hope....

With the new year starting and the snow falling and falling I’m looking forward to a good year. Perhaps this could be the best in a couple of years. I had my “total” hysterectomy on October 21st. It’s funny how we learn to live with things. Human beings are truly very resilient when you think about it. I knew I had gotten to where I tired extremely easy. Fatigue had just become a part of my everyday life. Like an old friend it would great me as I got out of bed each morning. Strange pains were just another event that I had accepted as normal. I thought what my body was going through inside couldn’t possibly affect me as much as it did, so I just thought it was age and normal progression. What I have found though is that I feel energetic now. I feel healthy. It’s hard to explain but I suppose the best way I can explain it is to compare it to when you’ve been sick and haven’t showered in like 3 days because you just couldn’t get out of bed and you start to feel better and when that shower water hits your skin there is just this sense of awe. I am eager to get back to life. I have energy to do things now so I won’t be as likely to pass on opportunities to go out and do things. I look forward to exercising and losing weight again. My care at Dupont Hospital was absolutely wonderful. Those ladies go above and beyond in their care of their patients. Anything I needed and caring and comforting smiles were a plenty. My family and my friends were supportive and I love each and every one of you. I look forward to spending a lot more time with friends and family this year and to making and getting to know new friends. Life is good. God is great in his wisdom and his strength he provides through many avenues. Often times people don’t believe or doubt God. I’ve heard people say how can He let this or that happen. He’s given us free will. He has given us a choice. He doesn’t let things happen, but things happen to help us through this life and the next. It’s true I wanted children. I wanted to be a mom, but for whatever reason that isn’t to be so I will embrace the children in my life. I will embrace my family and my friends and my pets. Life can be beautiful even in hard times. Even in death. I remember the strength of my uncle Roger and it was hard watching him go through what he did, but I wouldn’t trade one minute of my time with him, even in his hard times. May God bless you all in the new year and may your life be full of love and happiness.

Life is Full of Loss & Change

Life is full of loss and change.  One might go so far as to say that is a good definition of life; however if we dwell on only the loss we will never see the beauty of all that we have gained.  When I was younger I went through a lot of loss of friends and family.  At first I grasped at the despair of all the things I would never see or do with those people, then it dawned on me that I was looking at it all wrong.  Instead of spending all my time wallowing in pity for what would never be I was missing the point of all the beauty of the time I was given with them. To sit and grieve for them back to me became a sin.  They had lived their life, suffered their pains and moved on to something potentially much greater.  Would I really wish them back to this life to suffer the pain of death all over again?  I found this to be true of both people and animals.  I also have come to realize that although no one can ever take the place of someone we love in our hearts, that our hearts are capable of infinite love and that when we lose someone from our lives, the universe and God put someone else in our paths to help ease that loss.  We may not realize it at the time because we are mourning and grieving our life, but it's all about change.  Life evolves with our without our permission.  I could give countless examples of this.  I miss so many people, most of whom visit with me in my dreams from time to time.  Yes life is all about loss and change and most definitely growth and wisdom and I hope with each passing year I am growing more wise and stronger in my faith and beliefs.  I know my parents are not far from leaving me here behind in this life.  I dread that day, but they have given me so many memories, so much devotion and love.  They have shown me that life can be beautiful and that love does exists even triumph through conflict.  So when they come to pass I hope I will be strong enough to move forward.  I hope I will lean on my friends and embrace the beauty of the life that was and the times that were shared.  Yes life is full of loss and change, but in the end isn't it a beautiful thing?