Sometimes I poke myself with a lancet to see if I still
bleed red. I mean I must be an alien
after all. I don’t seem to have the same
opinions as others and they sure as hell don’t seem to think I should have
feelings or needs. Do I dare dream? One wonders.
I was brought up with good old fashioned morals and values. I was taught manners and to do unto others as
you’d have them do unto you. I get disillusioned
with people when they don’t react in a way I feel appropriate. Perhaps I should
be poking them to see if they bleed red.
We are all humans with human needs and desires. We all have things that bring us joy and
things that bring us pain. No one likes
to feel odd man out, but there I’ve stood most of my life. I know there is no right or wrong in this
world anymore and to hell with black and white.
There are so many shades of grey one wouldn’t be able to see any other
color if they tried. We’ve built a
society full of selfish and indulgent people.
Of course that is exactly the way the Bible says it shall be in the end,
so I suppose that really shouldn’t surprise me any. I guess my difference started when I was
young. I mean I liked playing alone in
my own world of imaginary hero’s. I
would go off on my bike to rescue whomever needed it and I would often spend
long hours in my room listening to music and trying to interpret how the person
who wrote the song was feeling at the time they wrote it. Then there was the interpretation of the
singer. I wonder if they really understood
the point that the writer was trying to convey. I often thought I did, but as I revisit
those songs in my older years I realize I only now truly understand most of
them. I never really felt part of any
group. I remember when I was growing up wondering
if I were from another planet and dropped here.
I wondered if other people felt the way I did. I never felt truly like I belonged anywhere
until I met one of my best friends, Chris.
She seemed to accept me completely for who I was and truly growing up
became like a sister and is still family to me today. I have lots of family that has come to accept
me. I’m not sure that accepting and understanding
are always the same thing though I suppose if anyone would they would know me
best. I am also very thankful for my
sweetheart. He’s been the answer to a
long awaited journey of trying to find someone who sinks up with me and loves
me without trying to change me. He’s
been more than patient and understand and often fined amusement in my odd/off
the wall since of humor. Don’t get me all. I love all my friends, so many, too many to
list. I also know I have family and
friends that may feel the same way. It’s
just hard at times being me. I don’t fit
society’s norm of what a person should be.
I don’t find countless hours of drinking and partying fun. I’m game for a couple of drinks and some
cards or even sitting and talking with people around a fire but I’m not the parting type. I also sometimes get lost in my
own thought and find myself sitting while others are talking not saying a
thing, just thinking and wondering. When
I do open my mouth my commentary is not always interpreted the way I meant
it. It comes off as argumentative or
impassive. I suppose it is what it
is. I also know I really am like my
astrological sign in most ways. I am a
crab and I will hide away in my shell if I feel betrayed, hurt or lost. It is who I am, but I also know that in my
journey of trying to do, I’ve given my all.
You see I do bleed. There are
things that can hurt me. Even superhero’s
need to cry every now and again.
