Waiting For The Fire To Burn Out...

Life definately likes to keep me on my toes and I definately know how to withstand the pressure of being on them.  Never seems like there is a moment I'm not questioning something.  Some of you may know this, some may not, so I will share my story as I often do to keep my friends informed and to help others that may go through similar circumstances.  It's always better to be armed with the information than to not.  If you're squimish about female things you may want to stop reading now.  Recently I took my annual pabst smear and my "boob smasher"  or otherwise known as a mamogram.  The mamogram came out fine and as a few of you may recall a couple of years ago I had a breast cancer scare when they found a place in my breast but it turned out to be nothing.  The waiting, worrying and not knowing were hell though and it went on for months.  What I didn't know at that time was there were plenty of girls who had had the exact same experience.  Knowing that might have calmed my nerves some.  Maybe not either though.  My pabst smear came back with an abnormal reading this time.  That could mean a lot of things.  They did a biopsy on Wednesday.  I was scared to have that because I was told it would hurt like hell.  It hurt but not really that badly.  I mean I've felt worse pain.  I guess I have a high tolerance when it comes to physical pain.  The procedure itself was quick.  Fifteen minutes from start to finish.  Lots of blood, won't kid you there. It was numb though so I really didn't feel a lot of pain.  I did feel sore and as the day went on that bruised and sore feeling grew as the stuff they used to numb it wore off, but again not to an unbearable amount of pain.  The next morning and day was the worst because I was nautious all day.  The doctors office called to check on me which is nice but I would appreciate them a lot more if they were not making me wait until the 9th of November to find out what is causing the abnormal reading. Again there are lots of options, but the biggie is the C word none of us ever want to hear and yes it does bother me some to think about it.  I have been assured that worst case scenario is probably going to be pulling the plugs on the female plumbing.  I suppose there is nothing wrong with that since I'm not really using it and have no future plans to.  Kind of makes me sad.  I did want children, but I had all ready kind of resolved myself to the fact that if I ever have children they will be adopted anyhow. Right now I subscribe to the borrow and return theory which works out well for me.  I've got a strong network of family and friends and I appreciate all the positives I've heard form you all.  I also appreciate no one saying a word to my parents yet.  They don't need the stress and worry and hopefully there will be nothing to tell.  Right now I'm just waiting for the fire to burn down on the days till I find out.  I'm taking it one day at a time and trying not to make it more than what it is.  The picture above is of a burning trailer I passed this morning on my way to work.  Luckily no one lived there so it's just a tailer but it could have been someone's whole life going up in flames.  I guess I kind of took it as an analogy for my own thoughts and life.  That is the update on me for now.  God bless an keep you all as you're in my heart always. 

It's All About Believing in Your Own Worth

Of all the lessons we learn in life there is only one we truly need.  It is that we are worth what we decide we are worth.  No one should decide your value for you but yourself.  That isn't an easy thing.  We grow up believing we have to live up to the expectations of our family, then as we grow we want to live up to those things we believe our friends want us to be and magazines and society and television.  So many directions we get pulled on what we should or shouldn't do, should or shouldn't want and what we should aspire to have in our lives.  We start clinging to these things as actual.  Happiness comes from realizing though that we are all worth loving and we are all worth getting to know and spending time with.  You can't ask for someone to make you happy.  Happiness comes from being happy with what you have and who you are.  There are things I don't like about myself.  I personally think I need to lose more weight and get in better shape, but I know my worth and my value.  When as a society we can finally all come together and stop judging each other, stop telling others what they should be and how they should feel and how they should act, then freedom and happiness will exist for peace and harmony and all.  Isn't that a nice dream to have of a future where no one decides for you and where we all stop crying wolf and fowl and harm.  I'm so tired of people saying their feelings got hurt because someone didn't like what they said or how they dressed or who they were.  I'm tired of peole telling us we shouldn't wave the American flag or that we don't have the right to expect our language in this country to be English.  If you don't like it that is fine, but toughen up.  Diversity is not a bad thing unless it's shoved down your throat and not even a spoonfull of sugar helps that.  Live and let live and stop asking for someone to fix your life.  You have the power to decide your happiness and to decide to ignore ignorance for the ignorant are truly to be pittied.  Look in the mirror and find your worth.  You are worth loving.  You are worth knowing and life can be good even on the bad days.  It's all about belieing in your own worth.