Forever in My Mind - Maybe

Laid to Rest: January 21, 2012

2012-01-24T12:45:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life is bite my tongue. It’s not in my nature and definitely not something my friends would characterize me for, but I did it today out of respect for two men. One man still here and one man no longer with us, but both very deserving of respect. I knew it would be hard. I don’t say goodbye to those I love easily no matter how they may go. I drove up to the church wondering what to expect, I half expect that is normal, as I walked up the walk way I felt light headed and a knot grew in the pit of my stomach. A beautiful young girl, Rob’s Niece answered my walk by opening the door for me and welcoming me to his memorial. Canvassing the room I found the faces that were familiar to me out of Rob’s family and saw a few tables that had flowers and pictures on them. I decided to hang up my coat before greeting anyone. As I was hanging up my coat a frail looking old man came towards me. “Are you Sheila?” He asked me. Before he said it I knew exactly who he was from a photo I’d seen online. “I’m Rob, Mikes dad, I mean I’m Rob’s dad.” I replied by sticking out my hand and he grabbed me and hugged me. I wasn’t at all certain how I felt about that but I didn’t pull away. He thanked me again for all I had done for Rob and all I had done for Steve. He then went on to say a child shouldn’t go first, who would have thought it. I simply replied with as sickly as he was it had to be almost expected. He again went on to talk to me about how badly Rob had not been taking his medications and how much medication he had in his apartment that he had to throw away. His manor of saying it was almost accusatory as to say it was Rob’s fault he wasn’t here. I saw no reason to inform him or correct him on the fact that doctors had asked Rob to stop taking some of the medications for a while so they could get him regulated again or to go from my own experience and say they often fill more than you need. I have a ton of medications at home that would take me forever to take because the doctors order it in 30 day supplies yet have me taking it every other day. You still fill it every month. It accumulates. I still found it an odd thing to think but dismissed it as possible unease due to the circumstances and perhaps even some lower level of guilt of his own on the way he had treated his son. As soon as I walked away from him and back into the open room I was approached by Rob’s brother and given a hug and thanks for coming. It was nice because it was sort of for a moment like Rob was there. I feel the worst for Rob’s brother. Those two genuinely loved each other with all their hearts. I then looked over all the photos on the table and came across the box with Rob’s ashes in it. For a moment my heart stopped as I looked down at the label that stated that inside this box are the remains of Robert M. Hogg. I looked over the ribbons and his work badge and I signed the guest register then walked over and found a place to stand and wait. Rob’s brother had told me that the family would be sitting on the right but that I could sit on that side with them or on the left with his dad and his dad’s wife. I dismissed that out of my mind for a bit, finding it odd that they couldn’t put aside whatever differences for one day to all sit together as a family. At this point a nice looking little old lady who I had noticed crying the whole time we were there came up to me and asked if I was Sheila. It was Rob’s mom. She hugged me. I had been watching this woman and yes she was so wrong on so many levels for not having seen her son at Christmas and she was wrong for going all those years and not trying to add her son back into her life, but I couldn’t be angry at her. The hurt and pain in her eyes was genuine. I found myself liking her but still wishing she had talked with Rob before he died. She said she hadn’t had the strength to look at the pictures and things on the table yet. I simply told her “lets look at them together.” I could have stood at that table forever because Rob’s ashes were there so somehow it was like he was there but I knew that would have been off. After looking over the pictures and discussing them with his mom I excused myself to find the ladies room. While in there I heard voices. The one older woman was telling the younger one she appreciated her coming with her because she really didn’t want to be here. I thought that an odd statement for anyone since no one liked being at memorials but it’s a respect issue and something you only do once for someone. I was washing my hands when the ladies came out of their stalls. The older one grabbed me and hugged me and said she was Rob’s step mom. I said nice to meet you, pulled away and left immediately. She looked exactly like I would have expected her to look. The difference in the looks of the mom and the step mom were amazing. The mom looked like a mom. The step mom didn’t look like anyone I wanted to know, but I did know her for some reason. I just can’t think of where I’ve seen her before yet but it will come to me I’m sure. I walked into the chapel to take a seat and as I walked towards the alter there was a picture of Rob in uniform that made me start crying. I sat down three rows back on the right, behind where his family would be sitting. Everyone was asked to stand and Scottish bagpipes started playing. Rob’s brother carried the box with him in it down the isle and placed it on the table with his photo. The speakers at Rob’s funeral were all men. They were assembled from friends from his childhood, his brother and the minister. They all told stories of childhood and playing games or of college times. His brother told how Rob had wanted children but that at forty he had given up because he had never found the right woman, the one. I knew that wasn’t right because Rob had told me Carrie was the one. He thought about children with her but was afraid to have them because he was afraid they would be inflicted with his illness and he didn’t want to do that to a child. Rob did love children very much. He was hoping to be a part of a child's life that was just born to a woman friend of his back in late October or Early November. It would have given him the time to be there for someone and nurture them which he loved to do as well. I wonder if she knows he passed away or just thinks he abandoned the promise he made to be there for her. I hope she would know he would never do that. I cried a lot during those services for Rob. I will miss him a lot. I do miss him a lot. He was a good friend who accepted me for who I was. He accepted that friendship was what I had to offer and if more grew fine if it didn’t then we would still be there for each other. Talking to several people though I realize Rob had deeper feelings for me than I knew, although I suspected. I was told I had made his last few months happy and that he cherished time with me whether on the phone or computer or in person. That made me smile. At the end of the services Rob’s brother gave me a bag with the Net book I had let Rob borrow back in it, two pictures of Rob and I together and a card sighed with love from Sheila. I wasn’t the Sheila who gave it to him. Rob had told me about that Sheila. He cared about her but wasn’t sure on some levels but she had hurt him. They had filed for a marriage licence and they had a wedding date set but her mother didn’t like him. He wondered what it was with mothers and why they didn’t like him. My mother liked him just fine and said she was saddened by his death. Her mother came between them and they broke up. That had hurt Rob. If she had loved him she would have chosen him. I’m sure Rob’s brother had thought the card from me or he wouldn’t have given it to me. The fact that Rob had held on to it meant it was special to him I believe. The things I gave Rob were friendship and over the months of getting to know each other I had given him a colts bear and blanket for his birthday. Colts seat covers, a computer microphone, A Colts watch, a Star Trek book of remembrances and cologne. Yes there was a theme. Rob loved his Colts and he loved Star Trek. It saddens me to think he’s not around to enjoy those things. They are only material things though and it made me happy to see him smile when I gave them to him. Rob didn’t smile much. I was always telling him to smile. I don’t think he felt well very often and I think he knew his time was winding down. I just think he thought he had months to go, not days. I have a lot of wonderful memories of him. I still say he was a big kid in a grown mans body and that was part of the charm I loved about him. He was so excited to show me Houston and Galveston. That time will always be precious to me. I can still see him grinning from ear to ear when I bought him a root beer float in Galveston when we stopped to take a breather and cool down. That shop was fascinating and they had tons of old fashioned candies an ice creams, all of which of course Rob offered to buy me if I wanted but I knew money was tight and I didn’t need it so I bought him a float and myself an ice cream and we sat and enjoyed the break. Rob also took me to see the gulf coast and we parked on the beach. It was very windy that day and the waters were a little wild, but it was beautiful to see. On that day we also went over to this aquarium to look at fish and sea lions. Rob really seemed to be fascinated by these. I noticed he had to sit and rest every little bit though. It was hard for him I could tell and I know he probably pushed himself for me. I learned a lot in those couple of days I spent with him. He was lonely. He missed Carrie and he missed his family but this is where his life was and where his work was. He was a proud man and he wanted to make it on his own. I think he was courageous on so many levels. I think a lot of people in the shape he was in with his heart would have been staying with someone or on disability and not trying to make it on their own. I know it was hard for him. He was looking forward to seeing his family but he so hoped his mom would see him. He wanted to be welcomed into his dads home. Neither of these really happened for him. He stayed at the Days Inn off Washington when his dad and step mom had extra bedrooms. I will never understand that one. I only have one bedroom or I would have let him stay with me even though it would not have looked appropriate. His mom never saw him. His dad did please him by calling him out of the blue one morning and asking him to come over and they spent the day together. I was all day cooking a special meal for Rob but he text and asked if I’d be hurt or upset if he stayed with his dad because he’d been invited to dinner. He wanted to feel a part of his family so badly I could never have said I was even if I had of been. Being with his dad was making him happy and being invited to dinner was an amazing thing to him. I love that I got the time I did with him and I will cherish those memories. It will haunt me forever though the memory of watching him drive away that morning on the 1^st of January. I heard from him all day. He would give me updates on which airport and if it was on time. He updated me when he landed in Houston and that he was awaiting a shuttle to take him home and he let me know when he got home and that he’d fed the boys. His boys is what he called his cats. It saddens me to think that at least two and maybe all three were put to sleep because that would have killed Rob. So he’s been laid to rest at the foot of his great grandfathers grave in Goshen. I wasn’t family so I wasn’t allowed to go to the grave site. Another thing I think would have killed Rob but then it is what it is. I have his “pig” collectibles that I will clean up and try to EBay for his brother. One I’ll buy myself because he and I talked about it when I was in Houston and I found it amusing that a big guy like him would have a Miss Piggy on a Harley. I have it on my desk at work, along with a picture of Rob and I and the paper from his funeral. I know time will make things easier but for now it’s just hard not hearing from him and not being able to tell him about my day. I suppose by writing this I am no really holding my tongue all that much, but I needed to write it down and get it out. I needed to tell his story and mine. I just know the hardest thing I ever did was say nothing when so many things went through my mind. I’d rather have Rob back than any belongings. I could sit through service with Satin sitting on my lap if it were for someone I loved. I can’t imagine separating yourself out of old pettiness or worrying about what he did or didn’t do or what he did or did not leave to you. Rob’s brother loved him. After seeing his mother cry so hard and so much I believe she loved him although she should have told him. His dad I have no clue. I want to believe he did and on some levels I think he did but I’m not sure his son believed he did. Hopefully he’ll do better by Rob’s brother over the years. I will miss my friend Rob, but I will never forget him.

Life Can Change On A Dime - Rob Hogg

2012-01-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

Life can change on a dime. It’s funny how a year can affect you so much more than any other year. Strange how a man can come into your life in such a whirl wind and leave in an even bigger one. Rob Hogg had definitely done that in my life. A chance he had said. I’m glad I took a chance and requested to be your friend. To tell you the truth I barely remember Rob from high school. He was two grades behind me and I didn’t particularly hold any nostalgia for the high school years. It wasn’t a happy time of my life. My grandmothers both passed away and I had my own demons I was fighting with an eating disorder. Teenagers often have eating issues. I was bone thin by the end of high school and still pretty much unhappy. I had an incorrect vision of what life should be. I say incorrect because it’s never really wrong. I mean what I expected was setup through unreal expectations that demons and evil didn’t exists and that one can find someone and live happily ever after. Rob became a very dear friend. He would yahoo message with me when he would get up and all through the evening till I went to bed. He would send me text messages and he would call nightly just to see how my day was. I told him when he asked if we could be more than friends I wasn’t sure. We live too far apart and at the time all I am feeling is friendship, but that I was willing to give it a try and get to know him. I did get to know him too and I loved him. He had become one of my best friends and always offered comfort and support. Could we have become more someday? I will never know. He and I spent hours playing Yahoo Spades and Euchre or listening to television shows together and laughing. I went out to see him back in the fall and he showed me Houston through his eyes. He also showed me Galveston. I think then I was charmed by him almost as much as he was by me. He was a big kid in a grown mans body. I had told him how much I love Road Runner, Bugs bunny, Tweety and all the old cartoons so he had made sure to buy some of those for me to watch. He took me to the Houston Zoo and insisted we see everything and that I have a souvenir to take back with me. He showed me the malls and the shopping and took me to get a view of the waters and coastline. He showed me where he worked and where all the good eating places were and he remembered everything about anything I had talked to him about food. He made sure we went for Chinese and sushi. All the time I was there he never pressured me to be more than a friend. He talked to me about Carrie the woman he’d loved and lost in 2006. He introduced me to his three cats that he loved more than life. Scotty was a long haired grey tabby who pretty much was love me or leave me type of fellow. There was BC who had a scared ear that turned back on the corner but really wanted nothing to do with anyone except Rob. BC was really named Butter cup, but had been named that before they figured out he was a boy so Rob respectfully called him BC. Then there was Rupert. Rupert was half the age of the other two, but twice their size and was a domestic short hair black and white. I loved that cat. He had so much personality. I told Rob I would have taken him in a heartbeat. He told me how Rupert was Carriers Cat. Carrie had wanted one of her own and Rob being the big teddy bear that he was couldn’t deny her. Sadly Carrie died while Rupert was still a kitten. He told me of how hard it had been going to work that night and kissing Carrie and telling her he’d see her in the morning, only to come home and find her sitting in the same place cold as ice. His living room didn’t looked like he’d moved a thing or used it at all since she had left him. During that time he told me all about his family. His estranged mother although he wished she were in his life and he loved her he wouldn’t force her to be where she didn’t want to be. He told me of the dad he wished would be proud of him, but that he also loved. He mostly told me of his brother and his brothers family. He so wanted what his brother had. What he saw when he looked at them was love and family the way he thought it should be. His brother and his brothers wife’s relationship and even their kids which Rob loved each and everyone with all his heart. He knew it wasn't perfect because no family or relationship is, but of all things I would never doubt it’s that Rob would have given his life and all he owned for his brother and his brothers family. I loved my couple of days out in Houston with Rob. He was getting healthy or appeared to be and seemed to do well. He looked good and his skin was warm the way it should be to the touch. He had taken a bad spell just a month before I was out there and had spent a week in the hospital but he seemed to be getting past that. He was also so looking forward to seeing the family over the holidays. He was coming for 9 days from the 21^st of December to the 1^st of January and he wanted to experience all of his family he could while he was in Fort Wayne. He sounded happy and I was happy for him. Rob ran into some bad luck before coming to Fort Wayne for the holidays. His place was robbed and he missed several days of work. Along with this he went to get his license renewed and couldn’t until he got glasses which cut into his funds for his travels. He started stressing and talked to me about it. His plans were all made and there was no way of getting refunds for the trip since it was too late, but he didn’t want to anyway because he needed to see his family. It was what had kept him going for months. I assured him I would feed him while he was here and help in any way I could. Work also stressed him out as the “dragon lady” at his job had it out for him and started making a big deal about his missing work and paper work all of which wasn’t his fault. I mean who plans to get robbed? I assured him though that it would all work out and talked him into trying to enjoy his trip and not stress so much. When he arrived at my house in Fort Wayne he looked very pale and tired to me. He said it was from all the work and stress he had been under. I told him he needed to relax. He smiled and said he would try and take my advice and not worry. He and I set about getting the week all planned. Of the things we had lined out he had a day with his dad and his dads wife, a family dinner with my family and with his brother and her wife, a game day that he couldn’t wait for (tradition), a night with old friends at a friends bar and grille and a New Years party with me at my friend Joe’s house to ring in the new year. Everything else we would do on a whim or as it came. While he was here we had a great time. We went to the mall and a book store. We saw a movie and watched television. I didn’t know people were still mining for gold, but I guess I do now. I made him my infamous Pizza Casserole which he ate on three different nights while he was here. (I did offer to make him other stuff, it’s what he wanted) I made him cookies and cooked a roast. All the while him watching or offering to help and talking about his life or asking questions about mine. I learned a lot, but what I learned more than anything is that although Rob’s life had dealt him a lot of tough blows, he had never once allowed them to beat him down. He was working on a degree online to accompany the one he all ready had. He had plans and dreams and hopes. He talked about how he would love to work on a cruise ship some day and told me he was going to hold me to my promise that I would go on a cruise with him next year if he could manage to get us on one. He would often take my hand or touch my cheek with the back of his hand. This time his skin wasn’t warm. Most often his skin was cold and moist. He sweated a lot and he looked so tired and frail to me. I worried about him. I told him I did but he would have none of it. He just kept telling me he was fine. He talked more about funds. The trip would hit him hard financially but he would bounce back he said. He laughed and said one never knew if it would be their last so they had to take the opportunity to see family when they could. He wanted to come back in June, but didn’t know if he would be able to make it or not. Rob had wanted to go see the lights at the zoo, but somehow we never made it down there. I told him next year, now he won’t be with us next year to see them. You see life can change on a dime. Wednesday, January 4^Th I had my last conversation with Rob. He text me as he always did and asked if I was home yet from work, then he called me. We talked for about 45 minutes. He was stressing out really bad. Work had sent him to a new site and he wasn’t sure if his ¾ of a tank of gas would last him until the 17^Th because it was a lot farther away. His Internet wasn’t connected yet and he needed to get school work done and he had an argument with his dad. He was wound tight I could tell. I talked and talked to him though and told him that it will all work out. He was laughing when we hung up and said I was right, he knew I was that it would all work.out. He told me he was going to take a nap. He had to be to work at 10, which is 11 my time so he had a little time. He told me “I’ll call you tomorrow baby and let you know how it went. Kisses n hugs.” As I went to bed that night as always I included him in my prayers when I went to bed. The Lord probably gets tired listening because I always include everyone I think needs it and all those I love. It takes a little time but I say them nightly. It’s hard not to be angry on some level because I asked the Lord to watch over him. I guess I didn’t include a “don’t” let him die in that statement, but I thought it was self explanatory. The Lord has his own reasoning for taking Rob from us though it may be hard for us all to understand. Perhaps he knew Rob’s journey had been hard and he needed rest. Perhaps he knew Rob really needed to be with Carrie again. I’m not really sure what the reason. I just know when I was awakened by the phone ringing at 1:45A.M. on Thursday morning I wasn’t prepared for what the call entailed. It was Rob’s number. I almost didn’t answer. I thought I would just call him back in the morning but then I thought he knows I’m asleep so why is he calling. A million things went through my mind. He might be in the hospital again or maybe he was fired or in an accident, so I answered the phone. The woman on the other end of the line said “Hi, this is Candace and I have Rob’s cell phone. I’m his boss.” She kind of stopped there. I asked her why she had Rob’s phone. She goes who are you in relation to Rob. I thought it a prank at this point. I wasn’t sure what to think. I said I’m a friend he came to see over the holidays along with his dad and brother and again I asked why she had Rob’s cell phone. She goes well I hate to tell you this but Rob collapsed at work tonight and was taken to (she named some hospital off). I sighed a little because I thought taken to the hospital OK. Then she says I’m so sorry to tell you that they are saying he’s clinically dead. I think my own heart stopped for a moment at that point. I remember saying “What?” I remember asking her if she was sure and she said well I’m on my way to the hospital now to confirm it. Little did I know this was the Bi*** that had given Rob so much grief or our conversation might have gone so much worse that it did. She then asked me about his family and I told her I would call Rob’s brother and have him call her. It took me several tries to get his brother to answer, but he was just as shocked as I was when he answered the phone. About an hour after that I called Candace back. I told her someone would have to take care of Rob’s cats that they would need fed and she assured me she would take care of it. I very shakily through my tears asked her if she had confirmed Rob was dead and she said sadly yes he was and that she was so sorry for my loss and that if I needed anything to let her know. People always say that and although it’s kind what could one possibly need? Comfort I suppose. I suppose you could need someone to listen maybe too. I had family and friends for that though. I let a few of Rob’s friends I knew were awake know by calling or texting. I put a message out on Face book. I was numb. I was in a state of shock and disbelieve. He couldn’t be dead. He had just been here and he promised to call me tomorrow. He also bet me on every single game IU had this season. So far I had only lost once. He was suppose to come back to see me again. He couldn’t be gone. Suddenly he was everywhere in my house. I could see him sitting in the chair or helping himself to a water out of my refrigerator. I could see him at the sink drying dishes although I told him to sit down and relax. I could hear his words of encouragement that my test would come back OK in April and if they didn’t he was here for me. I was confused and lost at that moment. Rob was good for me and my ego you could say. He continually told me how beautiful I was and how any man who could not see my inner and outer beauty was an idiot. I’d tell him I need to lose weight and he’d say “you’re perfect just the way you are baby.” He was always there to make me smile no matter how bad my day was and no matter how I might worry about him he assured me he was more concerned for me. It isn’t fair to me. You see life can turn on a dime. He should still be here. He should be happy and smiling and healthy. He had a heart of gold and he will be missed so much by so many. I’m still having trouble adjusting to the idea of him never calling me again. Life can turn on a dime so don’t take one minute for granted. Rest in Peace Rob and know you will never be forgotten. I thank God I got to know you as well as I did. I don’t forget those who touch my heart even briefly. You will be thought of daily and held in my heart where you belong.

Waiting For The Fire To Burn Out...

2011-10-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

Life definately likes to keep me on my toes and I definately know how to withstand the pressure of being on them. Never seems like there is a moment I'm not questioning something. Some of you may know this, some may not, so I will share my story as I often do to keep my friends informed and to help others that may go through similar circumstances. It's always better to be armed with the information than to not. If you're squimish about female things you may want to stop reading now. Recently I took my annual pabst smear and my "boob smasher" or otherwise known as a mamogram. The mamogram came out fine and as a few of you may recall a couple of years ago I had a breast cancer scare when they found a place in my breast but it turned out to be nothing. The waiting, worrying and not knowing were hell though and it went on for months. What I didn't know at that time was there were plenty of girls who had had the exact same experience. Knowing that might have calmed my nerves some. Maybe not either though. My pabst smear came back with an abnormal reading this time. That could mean a lot of things. They did a biopsy on Wednesday. I was scared to have that because I was told it would hurt like hell. It hurt but not really that badly. I mean I've felt worse pain. I guess I have a high tolerance when it comes to physical pain. The procedure itself was quick. Fifteen minutes from start to finish. Lots of blood, won't kid you there. It was numb though so I really didn't feel a lot of pain. I did feel sore and as the day went on that bruised and sore feeling grew as the stuff they used to numb it wore off, but again not to an unbearable amount of pain. The next morning and day was the worst because I was nautious all day. The doctors office called to check on me which is nice but I would appreciate them a lot more if they were not making me wait until the 9th of November to find out what is causing the abnormal reading. Again there are lots of options, but the biggie is the C word none of us ever want to hear and yes it does bother me some to think about it. I have been assured that worst case scenario is probably going to be pulling the plugs on the female plumbing. I suppose there is nothing wrong with that since I'm not really using it and have no future plans to. Kind of makes me sad. I did want children, but I had all ready kind of resolved myself to the fact that if I ever have children they will be adopted anyhow. Right now I subscribe to the borrow and return theory which works out well for me. I've got a strong network of family and friends and I appreciate all the positives I've heard form you all. I also appreciate no one saying a word to my parents yet. They don't need the stress and worry and hopefully there will be nothing to tell. Right now I'm just waiting for the fire to burn down on the days till I find out. I'm taking it one day at a time and trying not to make it more than what it is. The picture above is of a burning trailer I passed this morning on my way to work. Luckily no one lived there so it's just a tailer but it could have been someone's whole life going up in flames. I guess I kind of took it as an analogy for my own thoughts and life. That is the update on me for now. God bless an keep you all as you're in my heart always.

It's All About Believing in Your Own Worth

2011-10-09T17:02:00.001-04:00

Of all the lessons we learn in life there is only one we truly need. It is that we are worth what we decide we are worth. No one should decide your value for you but yourself. That isn't an easy thing. We grow up believing we have to live up to the expectations of our family, then as we grow we want to live up to those things we believe our friends want us to be and magazines and society and television. So many directions we get pulled on what we should or shouldn't do, should or shouldn't want and what we should aspire to have in our lives. We start clinging to these things as actual. Happiness comes from realizing though that we are all worth loving and we are all worth getting to know and spending time with. You can't ask for someone to make you happy. Happiness comes from being happy with what you have and who you are. There are things I don't like about myself. I personally think I need to lose more weight and get in better shape, but I know my worth and my value. When as a society we can finally all come together and stop judging each other, stop telling others what they should be and how they should feel and how they should act, then freedom and happiness will exist for peace and harmony and all. Isn't that a nice dream to have of a future where no one decides for you and where we all stop crying wolf and fowl and harm. I'm so tired of people saying their feelings got hurt because someone didn't like what they said or how they dressed or who they were. I'm tired of peole telling us we shouldn't wave the American flag or that we don't have the right to expect our language in this country to be English. If you don't like it that is fine, but toughen up. Diversity is not a bad thing unless it's shoved down your throat and not even a spoonfull of sugar helps that. Live and let live and stop asking for someone to fix your life. You have the power to decide your happiness and to decide to ignore ignorance for the ignorant are truly to be pittied. Look in the mirror and find your worth. You are worth loving. You are worth knowing and life can be good even on the bad days. It's all about belieing in your own worth.

There Are Places…

2011-08-08T13:38:00.000-04:00

There are places I can’t go. Some are physical and some lie in the dark corners of my mind. It seems odd to think of places that you might drive by every day and to stop just puts the weight of sheer dread and panic into your very soul. It seems even more than strange to know that when a thought crosses my mind I need to push it away or spend an entire evening crying and wishing for what can’t be. There are movies I can’t watch and there foods I dare not eat for fear of thoughts that will bring me down. Most days I have no problem keeping myself perked up. I may fall for a brief time but I usually dust myself off pick myself up and move on with my day. Then there are times when I just question why. I wonder why it is that I get so attached to people, places and things that they can have such an outright and profound effect on me. I don’t feel like other people. Someone may wrong me, but instead of staying angry I rarely am angry for more than a fleeting moment. Then it’s just hurt that fills in the empty spaces where they once were. Doesn’t matter what role they played in my life because if I chose to put them in my life my heart valued them like a priceless heirloom. It’s just the way I’m made. I don’t make lots of time if I don’t care. Often that caring is misunderstood and so is my hurt at their impeding irreverence to how I might feel about what they’ve done or what they are about to do. I often see the writing on the wall. I just don’t want to face what I see. I don’t to feel that someone could value me so little or cast me aside so easily. It’s simply who I am. I love deeply and passionately. There are places I can’t or should I say I won’t go for fear that the pain this time will be more than I can bare. Perhaps that makes me strange or perhaps it just leaves me to be simply human.

Summer and Ice

2011-08-02T09:48:00.000-04:00

So how is everyone doing this summer? Mine isn’t quiet going the way I want. I know it’s going way too fast. I started a new job, well sort of, same company different department. The new job has my life concentrating more on work than me with overtime, although this week I’m trying to make the entire week about me. What can I say I’m selfish? I put in a lot of overtime lately for them, so this week I hit the gym, a place I haven’t been much lately. I also arranged a couple of dates and am trying to move on with things. I have a little weekday fun in Indy planned to celebrate someone I loves birthday and I have Friday and Saturday to get in a little house work and friend and family time. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that as adults we don’t get “paid” summer breaks. If we could get a guy to run for office that would support that; I would so vote for him. The elections coming up in the next year should prove interesting. I really don’t think I can think of one person running for any office that is really worth a damn, but that is my own personal opinion. We need someone in there that will stop all the bullshit and none sense. I mean our government is suppose to be smart and maybe they are at padding their own wallet, but not so much at running things and I mean that on both the republican and democratic parties both. You can equally be angry at me. I haven’t seen much that should make us proud in the way of government. I do still believe in America as being the best although I have a friend who so wants to go to England to live. I really wish him luck with that. The grass is always greener on the other side till you get there and figure out you’re standing in a pile of manure. Why yes I am blunt. Glad you noticed. My summer has been a wave of emotions, some really good, some really bad. It’s been like a little mini soap opera with betrayal and love and intrigue all rolled into one. Not the way I like things. I like them quiet and drama free. I’ve also come to the realization that I am going to be me no matter what even if the men I choose to date can’t accept that. It’s not in my nature to play games. I do things people find odd but I do not play games. I feel if you’re going to date someone you have to make yourself available and give a little time so that you get to know them. Men that I’ve known seem to want that woman that plays the I’ve got other plans today game and then sits at home and does nothing because she wants to look mysterious to him. I’m not that way. I’m not the damsel in distress, and I’m not the girl who’s going to cower in fear of being alone or forging it on my own. Do I like being alone, no I don’t. I want a partner, but I want someone who wants honesty. I want someone who is honest with themselves and I sure as hell don’t want someone who’s judging me all the time. I recently saw someone who I believe thought I wasn’t religiously good enough which is funny considering I think they need to check their own back yard. I may not walk a religious chalk line but I am religious. I do believe in God and I believe the he talks to me and loves me. My life hasn’t been easy but I realize there are others who’ve had it harder and I don’t believe that I’m a terrible person for wanting a few comforts and pleasures in life either. Either way summer is starting to come to a finally and I’m hoping to have at least or attend at least one cook out this summer. I love grilled foods, especially burgers and I haven’t had a single one yet this summer. It just seems a shame to me. You won’t hear me complain about the hot weather either. I much prefer the fire of summer to the ice of winter any day and there is just something about the sweat and heat that makes me feel alive and energized. Well I hope everyone else is having a great summer and I hope you’re having fun in the warmth and sun. It won’t be long until we are complaining about winter again.

Like A Hooker On Ice...

2011-04-29T23:56:00.000-04:00

There are a ton of cliche's out there that would fit my life right now. I'm not sure if that would be considered a good thing or a bad thing. It is basically what it is though and there isn't much I can do to change it. Life definately changes on a dime without much notice or warning. I know in the past few months a friend and an old classmate both have passed away, as well as the dad of a friend of mine. Those are major life altering changes in lives. True they touch my life but not like they do the loved one who are left behind. In those months I've also gone from being committed to someone to being completely single again as well as have a few other friends of mine. Life is a slippery slope they say and they would be right. It feels like sometimes you just can't get ahead. I know there are a ton of things I need to get done, but with work and working out and trying to get in shape it just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day to do all I need to do. I've also met a wide vareity of people lately. Some good, some not so much. I'm always fascinated by the human mind. I'm always trying to figure people out. I see so many of the people in my life making what I would consider mistakes, but it really isn't my place to tell them. If they were gonna get hurt to the point of losing their life then maybe, but the kind of hurt they are going to go through for the most part is heart ache. If I did try to warn them they wouldn't listen. It's just the way it is. The school of hard knocks is the one most of us attend on a regular basis. It's not that we want to hurt, but most of us are willing to take that chance for what little happiness we can find. I'm hoping this summer will be one filled with much happiness for myself and for those in my world. I know lately it doesn't seem any of them can catch a break, but I believe they and I will. I have to believe that happiness is out there just waiting to grab me by the shoulders and shake me. So other than my life and my friends life can we address some other things? Like the economy and the political genius that we've elected to run it? Oh wait, probably shouldn't. Not that I wouldn't but I'm not sure what to make of it all to tell you the honest truth. Then there is this crazy weather we've been having. Is summer ever going to get here this year? I suppose I'll have to find a little fake sun to make myself feel better. Fake is better than none? I don't think that is a cliche is it? Well, I just wanted to check in and I'll try to write something a little more profound soon, but right now to tell you the truth my life is a little like a hooker on ice, can't stand up but the job's lying on the back anyway so why worry.

Along The Road to Success You Are Bound To Meet an Ass or Two

2011-03-14T18:00:00.009-04:00

So the holidays are over and I’ve spent the last two weeks working my tail off to remove the few pounds I put on with the holidays to get back to where I was so I can continue my weight loss journey. They say what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I guess I’ll find out. I have been walking five miles a day and lifting weights and doing a work out in the gym at least 6 days a week for the past two and I’m happy to say I dropped the Christmas weight by doing it. I can tell you too though that I’m worn out, tired and very sore. It takes getting up earlier than I’d like and I’ve been averaging about six and a half hours of sleep a night. I’m an eight to ten hour sleep girl for me to be happy. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it. I slacked off for a couple of months around the holiday. There were too many things going on, too many distractions and not enough time in the day to get it all done. I want to drop down to my appropriate weight by mid summer at least so I’m pushing myself. Don’t worry though I eat a balanced diet and take vitamins. I also spend a lot of time soaking my pour aching feet. It hasn’t been an easy journey and it takes constant reminding me that I’m doing it for me to keep me motivated. Today at the gym a woman asked me if I ever felt like giving up and I simply answered with every day. It would be so much easier to stay home and sleep, lie on the sofa and watch television or read a book and eat whatever I want, but it wouldn’t make me happy it would just make me less sore. Believe it or not though the exercise was not the hardest part of coming off of the holidays, but rather the changing the diet back to being healthy and balanced that was a chore. I’m getting there though, little by little. Most people are very encouraging that I’ve had to deal with on my journey. I started out weighing more than five hundred pounds and I’ve lost over three hundred. Most people are amazed and full of praise and encouragement for me to complete my journey. Every once in a while you run into a complete and utter jerk though that believes they know it all and they have all the answers. That can drag you down if you let it. It can even cause people to fall back into old habits. Having been that heavy I remember how hard it was in my mind to be in public and always feel like people were judging me. I remember the thought of exercising in public scared me to death and eating was never fun because you assumed that people were watching every bite you took. Shopping was a terrifying adventure in its own right. Nothing was ever in my size and no one seemed to want to help me. I had to fight past the images of hatred that are out there. I had to not think of the few idiots that would laugh and judge and ridicule me and decide I was going to do it for me and I wasn’t going to let them hold me back. I had to want it and want it more than I had ever wanted anything before. It’s a different world for me today, even though I still have some to lose. I get asked out quiet a lot. Guys literally stop and back out of doors they were coming in to hold them open for me. If I’m shopping people come up and offer to help me and I never have trouble finding something in a size I can wear in any of the stores. Not to mention I can fit in the seats in waiting rooms and I can walk with out dying for a breath of air or my legs and back killing me. So what got me on this article today was an event that happened early last week. There was a guy I had gone out on one date with last summer. He was fun and it was a great date and we even talked a few times on the phone afterwards, but in those conversations I learned a lot. In one conversation he talked about being broke but wanting another date. I told him money wasn’t important we could do something that didn’t cost anything and he told me no we couldn’t that to have fun he liked to go out and spend money and drink. About everything that sounded fun in this guy’s world required beer I believe. Not a good sign for someone who use to date a drunk. I really don’t want to go down that alley again ever. In talking with him I also learned that although he loved to work with handicapped children he wasn’t so good with adults. He lived by himself with three kittens at the time, probably cats now. Everything this guy started to say told me more and more that dating him probably wasn’t a good option for me, but I always like to keep friends and I feel we can be a positive influence in people’s lives, but we have to be there to be that positive influence. I liked him, but I didn’t like some of the stuff he was saying. He hated gay people and everything they stood for. He at one time compared them to child molesters. I tried to explain the error of his thinking. I let him know that I respect he has his right to his opinion but that this comparison was well off base. These people are not hurting children and their sexual preference is not even close to the same thing. What they do in their personal life is none of his business and his being that judgmental and hateful just isn’t right. He didn’t stop with just gay people though, he pretty much hated black people too as far as I could tell. Archie Bunker would have nothing on this guy. I still wanted to try to help him see differently. All people are equal in Gods eyes. God may or may not like what someone is doing but he loves them all equally. Sexual preference and skin color don’t have anything to do with who a person is inside. This guy saw them all as sinners. Well he cherishes drinking, isn’t there something in the Bible about that? We all sin. We all have to be forgiven for those sins and the only one who should judge us is God, so I guess he’s sinning again by judging people now isn’t he? So at one point this guy dropped off my Facebook page because he just couldn’t stand some of the post by my friends. So I figure his option. A few months back he called my home number out of the blue. Said I had made him see things differently and wanted to be my Facebook friend again. He wanted me to come spend time with him and see him in his little town of Berne. I’m not much for driving but I told him I might do karaoke with him sometime there. So he was being polite and all seemed to be ok. Then last week his car broke down and he made a comment to me about needing attention and I’d know what he meant if I didn’t hang around so many gay people. I understood what he meant just fine, but hey he’s the one who moved to a one horse town because he said everyone in Fort Wayne was a waste of space and he wished it would just disappear or something like that. I think I’m saying it more politely. I think my one friend was right when he said this guy has major anger issues because I don’t know what bee crawled up his rear but he decided to start making nasty remarks and started calling me a liar on my Facebook post. I had posted that I had just finished a five mile walk, which I had, and I was going to lift some weights. He posted: “Yeah right.” Then proceeded to call me a liar, tell me he knew a lot about fitness and I should be ripped if I worked out like I was saying I did on Facebook. I told him it takes a while and I’m getting there and he called me a liar again. He proceeded to tell me he knew fitness. I’d say he knows how to bake his skin too long in the sun, but looking at him fitness is not my first guess as to what he knows. He’s got some muscles… of course one of them is beer induced. He just went off on me in a hateful rage on Facebook. I’ve never been mean to this guy, tried to treat him with respect, tried to be his friend even when I didn’t agree with his opinions and here he is trying to undermine everything I’ve worked so hard for. The old me would have probably gotten a little discouraged. The new me just got pissed off. It wasn’t like he sent me a note and asked how long you been doing this, and are you seeing any progress. If not maybe I can help. That would have been nice. No he went on a tirade. He is definitely someone who needs a full length mirror and needs to take a good, long, and healthy look in it. He has anger issues and hatred issues. I try to hang in there with people I really do. Any of my friends will tell you I try not to judge and I will tell you how I feel but I will respect your rights to your own opinions. I try to be a good friend, but this guy had broken the final straw for me. I guess the whole point of this article is to let anyone out there who is struggling with an issue know that there are more people out there who will support you than the ones who will try to knock you down and that you’re not alone. The assholes are far and few in reality and when you encounter one, laugh because they really are not worth your time and their life is far worse than yours in comparison. They bully and push because their lives are lacking and you’re trying to pull yourself up and they can’t stand that they really suck and you’re doing better. Brush off their dust and move on is what I say. I have loving family, wonderful friends and a multitude of supporters for my journey. I’ll gladly cheer any of you on in yours. I just find it sad that along the road to success you are bound to meet an ass or two.

A Life of Seasons and Pet Peeves

2011-02-27T18:08:00.006-05:00

I will be the first to admit that I live my life through my passions. I am a highly emotional person who feels things very deeply. I love completely. If I bring you into my life it’s really hard for me to let you go no matter what. Once you’re in my heart you’re there to stay. We all know life changes though. Just like the seasons there is a spring of newness, a summer of warmth, a fall where it grows a little colder and a winter freeze. It happens consistently every year and constantly. My friends will tell you, if they are honest, that I have the most forgiving nature of anyone you will meet. This is because I know we are all human and I know I do things daily that my friends loved ones and others could read as awful and worth a good chastising. I may give them my opinions, I may tell them I don’t like what they are doing or feel that they are wrong, but I love my family of choice by which others would call friends. I stand by them and support them and even offer them a shoulder if they need a good cry. As a friend recently said, it’s what friends do. When pushed though I will let you go out of my life if it’s the best choice for me. Human nature and self preservation always win out in the end. The last two months for me have been full of changes. They do leave me a little bit of an emotional wreck, but don’t worry I have a good support system to help keep me standing. I’ve lost a friend or two. One to death, the other well their choices made it so. It’s the way it goes. We all have choices in life. Me? I need to work on being more secure in things in my life. I have a tendency to live my life always expecting the other shoe to drop. That is good on one hand because when it does it isn’t as painful, but it’s bad in that we have a tendency to see things that aren’t there if we are expecting them to be. Kind of like the water on the road theory I would think. You know looking in the summer on the road far ahead it looks like water, but you get there and there isn’t any. So I’m working on that. I’m also working on having more patience. Not easy. I have a ton of pet peeves. I mean hearing 3 or 4 radios playing at work when I’m trying to work drives me nuts. There are things called headphones. I use mine when I listen to my music. Not as bad as the singing to the songs. This isn’t American Idol. Of course it kind of reminds me of the auditions. I probably shouldn’t finish my thought there. I’m trying to hold it in and not let it bother me. I like peace and quiet when I’m working. To each their own though. It’s not worth a fight or even a complaint and if I were going to I would complain to them if it got to bothering me that badly. What are some of my other pet peeves? Well right up there at the top is people blowing their nose at the table. Really, you think someone taking a bite of food wants to be reminded of your mucus flow? You could go to the bathroom you know. Manners, get up, excuse yourself and come back. I’m not talking about wiping your nose I’m talking about the people with the car horns for noses in restaurants. I have a tendency to believe they were raised in a barn and the pigs didn’t mind so you know why would anyone else? Then here is one that absolutely drives me nuts: Shuffling your feet instead of walking. Are you that damn lazy that you can’t pick up your feet when you walk? You know your ass might actually get some good out of the movement. It sounds awful and it suggests exactly what I’m stating that you are too lazy to do better. Here we go too… Really chewing with your mouth open and making smacking sounds? Do you think that makes you sexually appealing? I know I know. I have a lot of pet peeves and yes I know I do things that annoy myself and others. I’m opinionated and stubborn and very vocal. Sometimes I feel these things are a plus, but a lot of times they just get me in trouble. I also annoy myself by being overly emotional, but I chalk that up to my passions and desire. I’m very passionate about everything I do. It’s a blessing and a curse, but one I’ll gladly keep in this case. I am a person who has grown over the last couple of years to be a person who doesn’t like to hear all the negativity either. If you don’t have something good to say think twice before complaining. There is nothing worse than listening to someone and everything that comes out of their mouth is negative whether it is about their own life or their friends and family. Surely not everything in your life is that awful and perhaps you need a full length mirror so you can look into it and evaluate your life a little more closely because if it’s all negative you best be looking for some positive. Seasons change. People are there, and then they are not for one reason or another. One should enjoy them while they can. If you’ve lived the good times wisely and cherished them you’ll have something to reflect back on and hold tight to when the winter’s freeze of change grabs hold. Yes I know my life needs some work. I know what I want though. I want to have someone to come home to and make dinner for and take are of. I want to listen to them complain, argue with them, love them and make them happy. If I never have that though I still know that I have chosen my closest friends wisely. They are wonderful and loving and always there for me even when I do something stupid. I may have to pick them up off the floor when they stop laughing, but they are there for me. I have been blessed and I will work on my life this year to lose the remainder of my weight that I want to take off, get in the best shape I can and grow emotionally better. Patience is something I have never had, but I’m working on it. God Bless you all on your own journey. Anyone care to share what their pet peeves are? You can do it anonymously if you like. I know different things bother different people. Feel free to let me know. After all difference is good and sharing is better in a life of seasons and pet peeves.

Pizza Casserole

2011-01-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

Pepperoni Pizza Bake
Prep time about 30 minutes
Back time about 40 minutes

What you need:

1 package (16oz) spiral pasta
2 cans (15oz) pizza sauce
2 pounds ground beef
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1 large onion, chopped
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 cups milk
1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
4 cups (16oz) Shredded mozzarella cheese
1 package (3-1/2 oz) sliced pepperoni

What to do:

Cook pasta according to package directions.
Cook the beef, onion, salt and pepper over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain and stir in the pizza sauce, garlic salt and Italian seasoning; remove from the heat and set aside.

In a small bowl, combine the eggs, milk and Parmesan cheese.

Drain the pasta and combine and toss with egg mixture.
Transfer to a greased 3qt baking dish. Top with beef mixture, mozzarella cheese and pepperoni.

Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Uncover; bake 20-25 minutes longer or until golden brown.

Makes 12 servings.

A Resolution of Lies.

2011-01-05T16:35:00.003-05:00

This is the time of New Years resolutions that people make to hopefully improve their lives. Most of them enter into them with the best of intentions but will never even come close to carrying them through. This really isn’t because the person doesn’t want to or even is incapable of it; it’s normally because the expectation and the realization rarely coincide. Life if you think of it is exactly the same way. Human nature has us setting our expectations so high that when they don’t pan out the way we wanted we are left feeling bereaved and down. I try to keep my expectations of things in life simple. It doesn’t mean I don’t get let down or hurt I do and often, but it’s easier for me to bounce back because I understand we don’t live in a movie where things just happen to work the way we want and a pretty happy ending is sure to be. What do I look for in friends, family and lovers? I look for honesty. I would rather be hurt by the truth than crushed by a lie. I can work through almost anything with any of the aforementioned too as my friends will attest as long as they are forth right and willing to be straight with me. The problem is I think honesty is one of the hardest things for people to hand out. I’ve known people who lied about the stupidest stuff just because they thought it sounded better than the truth. Did it hurt anything? Yes. It hurt their own realization of life. Why do I say that? Because they are handing out the lie and living with the realization that what they have told wasn’t the truth and at some point they will probably come to regret it either because they wish the person knew the truth or because it comes out or because they have to face it. What is so comical to me is that usually if the person had told the truth things would have worked out for them, but when the lie is found they usually fall completely apart and sometimes so much so that they can’t be repaired. Again this is human nature though. I would be lying if I said I never lied about anything. I have to spare feelings and such, but I really don’t like to. I try to practice the rule of saying nothing before lying. It’s just easier in the long run. So what New Years resolutions might I have made this year? I want to lose the remainder of the weight I need to get off. I think that is a goal I will accomplish. I want to take better mental care of me. What do I mean by this? I often feel like people give or pay little attention to how things they say or do affect me or how they may or may not hurt me so I get bruised feelings. I’m going to simply start living with the principle of telling them or letting it go. It’s just got to be the way it is. So I think my second goal is quiet attainable to. I also want to work on being more financially stable. That one I don’t know. Time will tell I suppose. So in life I would advice you to look realistically at all aspects. People are human and they are not going to be perfect. They are going to lie about stupid stuff guaranteed. They are going to let us down and hurt us both knowingly and unknowingly. They are also going to make us laugh and bring us lots of love. As I’ve recently said to many in your relationships you have to way the pros and the cons and what you are willing to accept and what you’re not willing to accept. The biggest thing we each and everyone need to remember is that we have all done and all do these things to other people too. So before you tell a friend or a lover a lie next time think it through. Decide if silence or the truth is the better option because I can tell you for certain the lie never is the best way, not even in sparing feelings and I know I’m guilty of it too. Lies come back to taint and hurt that which is most precious to each and every one of us. So Happy New Year and may you make your resolutions and may happiness find itself at your door.

Sometimes In Life; A Year In Reflection

2010-12-28T10:55:00.008-05:00

It’s definitely hard to believe another year is soon going to come to a close. It seems like the older I get the faster they go. That is such a scary thought. The holidays can be a time of great joy, but then also with reflection a time of great sorrow. This year has been full of both. I jumped back into the dating world this last year and I can tell you that has been a big eye opening experience into the human psyche and in issues of the heart. I made lots of new friends and lost some. One such person was a man named Jeff who had a heart of gold. He came into my life a year ago. A big teddy bear of a man who seemed to think I walked on water, although I assured him constantly I didn’t. He and I were just friends, yet he would text me several times a day, say words to cheer me up and always bring a smile to my face no matter how bad my day was. I have a feeling he did that for many people because it was the way he was. He died on December 13Th this year and somehow I just haven’t been able to shake the sadness of such a loss. He will be missed. He is missed by me very much so. It’s been a year where my parents got older and really began to show their age I think. Not in looks, but in feelings. I worry about them. One such incident was when I was out at a Subway with my parents eating and my mothers disease had her shaking so badly she couldn’t eat her sandwich. I had to buy yogurt and feed it to her. For her that must be very hard to know she couldn’t do it for herself. She’s a strong person though and most days her disease doesn’t get the best of her, but towards the end of this year it seems it’s had her more days than not. She needs lots of rest or she shakes really badly. I’ve been with my parents so much of my life I don’t know what I will do when they are gone. In August I started dating a man who makes my heart skip a beat. He’s kind and on so many levels everything I could ever want. It’s a scary thing to know someone could have your heart so completely, because it also means they could break it completely as well. I guess we will see what happens there. Time will tell. Finances have been strained this year for me and there isn’t much in the way of spare cash and as a matter of fact I spend most of my time playing catch up. I guess 2011 will be a time when I have to play catch up and get it all right. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a couple of years this year. I was feeling the Christmas spirit, but it also made me lonely somewhat as I sat alone on Christmas night watching television. Life is a funny thing. Our hearts want often what we don’t have. A wonderful man in my life named Mark though reminded me that I need to be thankful for all that I have and I am very grateful for all of it. That includes you my readers and my friends and that includes my family and friends. It includes a place to sleep and food to eat and all the other things I am thankful I have and am not in want of. I can’t help but be a little sad though at the loss of all those that we miss for they left us behind to move on. My grandmother Jessie & Lula Ann. My Uncle Monroe, aunts and cousins who’ve left us behind. My uncle Roger who left us with grace and dignity and showed us not only how to live, but how to die and how to love. My friend Jeff who loved deeply and laughed with us often, but secretly wanted nothing more than someone of his own to come home to. So although people can see sadness as a bad thing, it’s merely a reflection of our recognition of people we miss and dreams yet unfulfilled that we can work to fill. So as the year wraps up and time marches on I wish each and everyone of you a joyful life full of love and laughter. May you relish each day and when the tears come may you find peace in the knowledge that you are never truly alone and there is always someone here that will listen if you should ever need to talk. May you find your way to all your dreams and may Love fill your hearts with peace. God bless you all and may you have the Happiest of New years!

So Who Decides?

2010-11-17T09:16:00.002-05:00

Is there such a thing as politically correct? I mean if you just sit and think about it these days we are catering to the few to spite the many. I suppose you want an example. There are a million examples to be given. We live in the United States of America. There are foreigners in our country and I’m good with that, what I am not good with is not flying our flag or saying the pledge of allegiance because we might offend them. I say offend them, if they don’t like it they can go home. This is AMERICA and it is our flag and our pledge of allegiance. Thinking of the pledge of allegiance, whose bright idea, was it to take God out of it? It offended a few so we take it out? What about the many who believe without God our country would perish? What about those who are proud to say it and offended us would leave it out? Then there is prayer in school. Now I’m not advocating making it mandatory and I’m not saying it should be school led, but if little Johnny wants to get on his knees and say a morning prayer he should be able to and it shouldn’t matter that someone else doesn’t like it. They don’t have to join and they don’t have to watch. There are lots of things that are offensive to me that I see as someone else choice and none of my business. Like putting Budweiser beer lights on a Christmas tree I find offensive. That is me though. If I’m in Johnny’s house and he likes it I have the choice of leaving or closing my mouth. I also find it offensive that people want to start calling Christmas tree’s, holiday trees. I don’t desecrate their holiday items by renaming it because a few people got their panties in a wad and I’d prefer they not do it to mine. I don’t care if the court house wants to put up a menorah. I’m cool with it. There is diversity. It’s something we need to embrace not throw out. Why is it ok to have celebrations for anything as long as it’s not a Christian Holiday? I’ll tell you one thing; the Christian people need to start speaking up. The reason the few are getting their way is because like spoiled little brats (yes I said it) they are throwing a fit and the government and all the other people out there who sit quietly are giving them what they want rather than say buck up it’s part of life. It’s like watching a parent in the stores and a child is throwing a fit so the parent gives it candy or a toy and buys it for them to get them to be quiet. The good parent would watch them throw the fit and then pick them up and leave the store and buy nothing. Why are we catering to stupidity? Sorry folks but I’m wound up. We are raising our children to be soft. We don’t want our teachers to tell them they are doing something wrong or poorly? Are you serious? I do. I mean how does it help little Johnny not to learn life lessons? If he doesn’t learn them as he grows he’s in for a shock when he hits the real world and he isn’t going to be prepared to handle it. When I was a child if you back talked a teacher and your parents found out you were getting a tanning and your parents were apologizing to the teacher. Now days if a child does that the parent wants the teacher to take it and say nothing and the parent won’t either. I can’t believe this is what we are coming to. I remember when swats in school were the norm and if you got one you were getting one when you got home too. I don’t advocate leaving bruises but I don’t see anything wrong with punishment and a little spanking. I survived and I wasn’t abused. You wonder why we have more kids growing up and committing suicide, well maybe we should consider that life is too tough for them because we aren’t teaching them to be tough or what the real world is as they are growing up. I lead a fairly sheltered life, but school taught me to be tough. I was shocked by a lot of stuff but prepared to deal with it because I had dealt with adversity growing up in school. Life is hard enough without being painted the pretty picture of life is great when you’re a child. We all know there are children out there that have it tough. There are children living in homes they shouldn’t which could be a whole topic of its own. The government watches what happens at school and slaps teachers for trying to teach respect and honor and pride, but when it comes to the home life they don’t care as long as the parent is providing a roof and food and clothing? Seriously there are so many things that are wrong and the more people say they are trying to fix them, the more they seem to F*** them up if you ask me. I guess I am just tired of a few people deciding what everyone of us should think, say and feel. I mean really we need to start speaking up. Those of us who don’t like to cause waves need to learn to surf the waters and bring in the tide. Do you even know who decides? Do you sit and say my opinion doesn’t count or who cares really? If we don’t take control of this soon our country is going to just keep getting in worse and worse shape. If you and I don’t decide then who does?

Mothers and Daughters

2010-11-06T09:19:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've been in the mood, or had the time to write. Seems like this summer, especially towards the end got really really busy. I did make time for things that I feel are important in life though and one of those was spending some time with my mother in the kitchen. Mothers and daughters can either be very close or very far apart. I am happy to say I am very close with my mother and I enjoy spending time with her. I don't see any resemblance in the way we live our lives, but we always find away to communicate and enjoy ourselves. My mother by all means is the most peace loving and honest person you will ever meet in your entire life. She loves everyone and I can honestly say I've only seen her angry a couple of times in my life. She can work my nerves like no one else though. I think there is just some genetic code out there that lets a mother get under her daughters skin and move around. I know often times she doesn't mean to, but she does. I have no doubts I probably work her nerves some too. (NO eye rolling there for those of you that know me.) I've watched as my mother's disease has taken her back slowly over the past couple of years. My mom has Parkinson's and there are many things she will have to face with the disease. She's all ready having some problems talking. She loses her voice or has a weak voice often and she blames it on allergies but I've read on the disease and it is just what it is. Her shaking has some bad days, but luckily for all of us she still has some really good days. She's walking very very slow these days unless you put her behind a shopping cart. You would not believe how fast that woman can walk behind a shopping cart. I've tried to tell her she might want to at least think of using a cane to steady herself when not behind a cart but she is stubborn. That is definitely one thing she and I have in common. She has a hard time getting up and down and she stoops a little when standing. She's still my mom but it's heart breaking to see a woman so full of life and so willing to go on having these issues. She does exercises every day and eats well. She doesn't intend to go down without a fight. That is the fabric my mother is made of. So as I've watched my mother become more feeble the realization that she won't always be around has become ever so more real to me. I recently realized I didn't know how to make half the foods she cooks and that this knowledge would be lost unless I did something. I plan to try to learn as many of her food recipes as I can, but that won't be easy as my mother doesn't measure anything. She simply walks into a kitchen grabs this or that and tosses it in. Last year I tried several recipes for Peanut Butter Fudge that I found online. None of them could touch my mothers so recently I had her show me how she makes hers and I then made some for friends. It wasn't easy, but she went slow and I watched and tried to figure out measurements and took notes. I got it right I believe as my last batch I took friends should attest. There are so many things she makes I want to know how though. Like her cornbread. Now northern folks think that corn muffin stuff is corn bread. It's not. Cornbread is not sweet by any means. Cornbread is salty and very very good in a glass of milk when warmed. It generally is made in a cast iron skillet in the bottom of the stove. Other than that I can't help you on figuring it out, but I plan to. Isn't this the way it's suppose to be? I mean mothers pass things like this down to their daughters don't they? At least they use to. I think a lot of this type of thing is lost these days with technology and that is too bad. Either way you slice it there is nothing better than the bond between mothers and daughters. I love my mom very much and I've been very blessed to have had her in my life.

As The Season Turns Cold...

2010-09-27T11:15:00.002-04:00

Winter is coming again. Another season is coming to a close and the bitterness and cold will soon sweep in and surround us. Time marches on as they say. I watch as those around me go through many changes just like the seasons. People who were married are divorced, while new couples spring up and work to stay together and make it last. I watch and take in every action, but try my best to stay in the back ground of those relationships. People are never as uptight and anxious as they are about relationships they have with people and trying to get evolved in someone’s relationship and give relevant advice is about as risky as sticking one’s arm down the open mouth of a live alligator. I’d say proceed with caution but who does that? It’s been another year of growth and learning for me. Some of the lessons have been good ones while others have been extremely painful. I have often said though when we stop learning we’re dead. Any of my friends will gladly tell you that I am more than willing to share advice though and give freely from my experience so that they might learn or laugh whichever strikes their mood. I hadn’t really dated in years before this past year. I gave up on meeting someone years ago for reasons we won’t go into at this moment. Needless to say as I always do I jumped right in with both feet and tried to swim. I sank like a dead body with a weight tied around me though if you ask me. Dating has changed since the last time in the early 90’s when I had done it last. I hadn’t done much of it at that time either. I had gone out with a few guys back then and had a couple of relationships, but I was extremely naïve back then and needy. Not that I wouldn’t say I am still needy cause I do need attention in a relationship, but isn’t that what a relationship is? I mean someone to spend time with and talk to? Over the year I have dated a wide variety of guys. I’ve, as I said, learned a lot. The one thing I know is that if you can’t take how a man is you need to move on. You can’t go into a relationship with a list of demands on what needs to change. I mean you can ask for little things like: “please put the toilet seat down when you’re finished” and he might listen. I really wouldn’t hold my breath, but don’t try changing the big stuff. If he’s into porn that isn’t likely to ever change so if you can’t stand a man who watches porn you need to walk away. If he’s into kinky sex and you’re not walk away. That isn’t a tendency that is likely to change. This isn’t to say a man who spends a lot of time with porn might not find he doesn’t need it anymore once he’s with you, but why take the chance if it’s something you can’t live with? The plain and simple truth in my book is if you’re going to love a man or woman you need to be able to love them warts and all. My dad tells a story of how my aunt came home packing her bags a few months after being married because she was angry that her husband spent so much time hunting. He says my grandmother looked at her and asked her if he did it before they got married. When she said yes my grandmother sent her home because it was something she knew about he did before the marriage. It shouldn’t have been something she asked him to change afterwards. I’ve never understood why certain things were expected to change after marriage myself. Yes dating other people, sleeping around and that sort of thing should change, but having a life shouldn’t. There should be couple time and each should have some individual time. I have never understood why one wouldn’t want to spend a little time apart so that they can miss each other. It makes those times together so much nicer don’t you think? I also think people put way too much stock in stereotypes. We could write a book about the mistakes with stereotyping people of either sex. Not everyone is going to fit a profiled type. Either way you write it down this year has been a journey and an interesting one. For me it’s been one of growth and understanding of both myself and of the opposite sex. The one thing I know is if a person makes you happy while you’re with them and they are attentive and calling and texting then be happy with that. I take the happiness where I find it. I really don’t understand those who have to try to change their mate or worry 24/7 about what the person is doing in the time they are not with them. If they make you happy when you’re together enjoy that time while it last because who knows when it won’t be that way anymore. So as this season turns cold I’ll smile at the lessons learned and at the ones I know are yet to come. Whether they are good lessons or bad ones they are part of life and are what help us to grow.

Yes, I know I'm Needy, But I'm Working On It.

2010-09-07T21:44:00.003-04:00

So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they?

Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my heart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is.

Where Monsters Lurk...

2010-08-20T20:30:00.006-04:00

You would think I would be afraid of the darkness. I suppose on some level a small part of me is. I just can’t seem to let myself be gripped by the horror of one night. After all I have lived more than one night and I have been out many more nights where nothing went wrong than those that had mishaps. Stubborn, yes, I suppose I am. We are taught as small children to fear what lurks in the darkness. We conjure up images of monsters. Monsters so hideous in appearance that we dare not look them in the face. What I found out that night was that monsters don’t look any different than you or I. Monsters can be found among those that live within the confines of our own little community of acquaintances. Even then what the monsters take from us are nothing compared to the horror of what those we love do afterwards.

The above passage is from a book I’m writing. It seems so fitting with
this topic though I thought I would throw it out there for you to read. So
when you think of monsters do you think of the cute cuddly ones from “Monsters Inc.” or do you think of the horrid nasty little buggers from Aliens? The monsters that are lurking out there that I want to warn you about have names and walk on two legs. They have very little brain power and possess little ability to show signs of being human. I can’t give their last names without getting in trouble or their yahoo id’s or anything like that, but if you have a fear that you may know them feel free to write me and I’ll give you the details. Feel free to ask me questions. There are three guys out on the dating websites who think it’s cute to play games and try to intimidate women. Now on the dating websites one may start to feel too comfortable and at ease. I’m warning you don’t. I recently had two different guys on the sites approach me (I’m currently hidden on all the sites cause I got tired of the bull so I stopped). The first guy sent me a friend request on TAGG. Now I am a very accepting person and will attempt to be friends with almost anyone. I told this guy from the get go that I had no interest in dating him. He asked if we could just be friends, said he was dating a girl named Laurie and all he wanted was friends to talk to since she doesn’t live in Fort Wayne and he gets lonely. I saw nothing wrong with emails to keep him from being lonely if he wanted to send them. Big mistake, learn from me, don’t be that nice. He wanted to yahoo messenger so again, naive as I am I agreed. To this point no harm no fowl, until I get an email with a video of him jacking off. I sent him an email back saying I didn’t appreciate it and he pretended like he sent it in error. I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him and got rid of all his information, forgot to block him though, silly me. A couple of weeks later he pops up on
messenger asking me how my day is. I thought he was a different guy named Mark and responded. Again I got an email with a video, this time with a dark curly haired girl giving him a blow job. I went off on him. I
sent him an email asking him why on earth he would think anyone would want this. He told me I was a hateful woman. I blocked him from yahoo messenger and TAGG and I informed the health club that when I’m there and he’s there I would like a heads up because he creeps me out. Yes, unfortunately this nut bag goes to the same gym as I do. So a day later another yahoo messenger pops up from an id I don’t recognize at all. It turns out this is a guy named CJ that I had emailed a couple of times with on TAGG a month earlier and had no interest in so I had forgotten all about him. I sent him an instant message saying basically sorry I don’t recognize the id, who are you? Well the instant messaging went well for a good portion of the day. We seemed to have a lot in common and it was going well. We were going to get together over the weekend but he dropped off and I didn’t hear from him all weekend and I just assumed he lost interest. So I got a new pop up from him on Tuesday and then again on Wednesday. On Wednesday I was working with my WEBCAM and trying to figure some things out and he pops up and wants to invite himself to view my CAM. I declined his self imposed invite, which just pissed the yell out of this guy. He went nuts and told me I would in no uncertain terms let him view my CAM. He got very verbally abusive called me some very nasty names, told me I was lying to him. I simply responded that I had my rights and that he and I were not dating and I wasn’t sure what he was getting so angry about. He went off again called me an F’N C and a whore and told me he was going to make sure I was very sorry. He told me he didn’t play games. Now this was a little nerve racking, but he didn’t have my home phone number or cell or even my home address. So I was like ok so what are you going to do. I simply told him I was glad I found out about his anger issues before I met him and I’d appreciate it if he would not contact me anymore. He kept going off. I tried to be as apologetic as possible while holding my ground because he does have some seriously dramatic anger problems that he needs help with. This guy is probably the type of guy that likes to beat and strangle a woman during sex. Now that is a scary thought. Except for the fact that someone so psychotic is out there I was actually kind of relieved not to be meeting yet another guy. I kind of think I may have a relationship starting so I wasn’t sure I wanted to go anyway. What is even worse is the next morning I get another Yahoo message from this guy stating that I need to do some serious making up to him for my behavior. HUH? Yeah. Well, as it turns out other women have been bothered by CJ and his buddy Marc. Yes you read it correctly. The two nut jobs know each other. Now I blocked them, and I haven’t heard from either of them since yesterday morning so I am hoping they are smart enough to go away for my sake and for theirs. What these two idiots don’t realize is that picking on me is picking on the wrong girl. I have no qualms with letting friends and family take care of them, taking care of them myself or calling the police. I have a log of every message from these two. I’m thinking I’ll just keep that and give a copy or two to my friends. I actually know where the one works and where both of them live. I’m ahead of the game from what I can tell. Moral of the story here is be careful ladies. I suppose that goes for you guys too after having seen “Fatal Attraction.” The monsters that lurk out there don’t look any different than you or I. I do have pictures of both of these guys and I hear there is a third that works with them too. If you want to be safe I have their yahoo ids and information as well. So if you have questions ladies let me know offline I’ll be more than happy to share any information you want. One just never knows where monsters lurk.

Online Scammers - Don’t Be A Victim

2010-08-13T21:32:00.009-04:00

So a lot of you know that I have been evaluating dating websites. I'm trying to decide if they are a good thing or a bad thing. This was done at the request of one of the websites I'm evaluating. I have to say that although I think I may have found a couple of possibilities for possible future relationships, there has been more aggravation than good as far as I can find. It seems to me, and maybe I'm being unfair, that a great majority of the people on these sites have no desire to find a real relationship, but simply want to see if they can "hookup". I am not here to talk about that sort of thing in this particular article though, so let me get on with the topic at hand. Schemers seem to crawl out of the woodwork's on these sites. It seems that they feel if you are on this site you must be desperate, which I for one am not and I doubt seriously if several of these people on here are. There are people that steal pictures off the Internet and make up a fictitious name and set out to see if they can find lonely hearts, tell them what they want to hear and then relieve them of cash. There are several facets to these scams so you really have to be on your feet. First of all anyone who professes love and devotion and they have never ever met you... get real, especially when they have only been sending you emails for a week. I have had not one, not two, but three of these schemers on my sites so far. All of them couldn't live without me and I was the only person on the planet they could trust. One wanted me to send him money because he lost his luggage and his wallet was in his luggage. now I don't mean to be mean but if you're a big enough dumb ass as to pack your wallet in your luggage instead of having it on you, then you may actually deserve to be in a foreign county with no money. I know that sounds mean, but it's how I feel. Uh, let me see do I send you money. Hell No! Then one of course was traveling out of the country, left his twelve year old son in he states, and lost his wallet. Oh NO! No Money, no friends in the states and I'm his only hope. It gets better with this one though because he wants me to actually receive a Western Union transfer of money from his 'client' and then Western Union him the money. My questions were many. He didn't like I asked them. First of all why are you trusting someone you don't know with your money? Why can't your client just wire you the money or why can't the person watching your son do it? I researched this to see where either scam comes in because it seems innocent enough to receive money by Western Union... Right? Well, if you want to be a "MULE" for money laundering or be the one who is receiving funds from someone who has been scammed by one of these idiots then yeah go ahead and accept it. You could end up in prison on federal charges. You read it right. You could be an accessory after the fact or if you don't do prison you could be liable for all the money that was taken from the scandalized person. Money orders, cashiers checks and regular checks in general can all be forged and fake and you can be liable for all that money as well. If you don't know the person, don't do money transactions with them. This is especially true if they are out of the country. I can't believe I've had three of them. I am going to share a couple of their emails just to let you see what I'm talking about. These people will always try to get personal information from you. One of them wanted my banking information for a money transfer. Yeah right. I wasn't born yesterday, or the day before for that matter. Here are some examples: Whatever you do don't be a victim.
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Dear Sheila

Life is so unpredictable. changes always come along, in big or small ways. I don't know hat happened that this sudden change has turned my world upside down. I don't know exactly it was that hit me, but there is something really special about you.

It might be all the things i see on the surface, the things that everyone notices and admires about you, qualities, capabilities.... (it goes on and on like this)

Only the most special things in my world get to come inside my heart and stay. And now I realize how deeply my life has been touched by you.

From,
Terry

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Good Morning:

How are you doing? I just can't sleeping thinking and dreaming of you angel, your thought is always in mine heart. I love nothing more than being with you. (more drivel)
Plenty of love,
Terry
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And YES two of the three were named Terry.
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Here is something else to remember too... They try to play on your sympathy. All three of these men who tried to do this to me were single dads raising a son alone who needs a mother. One said his wife died of cancer, one died in a motor accident, and one simply ran off and wanted nothing further to do with him or his son. They all at one time or another pretend to have the son type on the yahoo messenger. Theses people make calls to your home. they try to seem as real as possible. They give you phone numbers where you can call them. These are scams. Don't be taken in. Don't be a victim. If you think it sounds too good to be true, it almost always is.

Laugh, Love & Live

2010-08-07T10:03:00.003-04:00

It may not always be easy, but try to laugh. Life really is too short to walk around with ones head hung low. It may not always be easy, but find a way to push the disappointments to the side. We all have them. We all have days when our pockets are empty on funds, our world feels as if it’s falling apart and it appears not a soul on the planet cares whether we live or die, but there is always someone who cares. It always amazes me when I find out people have talked about me whether good or bad, because I’ve always walked through life assuming no one gave a damn enough about me to say a single thing. I’m always amazed and awed. I’m flawed, I’m human and I hurt just like anyone else, but for the most part I try to see the good. Recently I had one friend bad mouthing another one of my friends. The problem I had with this wasn’t that the person had issues with the other, it was that the one they were putting down had done so much for them and was still attempting to on many levels and it bothered me that they would run them down into the ground to me, especially knowing I was friends with them. I didn’t feel it appropriate and it bothered me a lot. Not surprisingly this person has run me down to other people who have told me about it as well. I just have to shake my head. I could let it get me down because I do care about him, but I’m not going to waste my energy at this point. Then this past week was filled with a multitude of emotional questions. There is a guy I think I like a lot, but I’m not sure if it will go anywhere. That is so nerve racking. It’s not that he doesn’t like me, I know he does, it’s just I guess I don’t trust anything until it happens and I want someone to want to be with me regardless of things… more obstacles. I hate obstacles and how they leave me feeling, but again I refuse to be down. I am not saying I don’t take days where I cry my eyes out and feel like giving up because I do. I think everyone has those days, but I have learned that you have to push yourself past that, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I’ve come too far down a road to health and happiness to let little stumbling blocks like financial woes, not knowing about someone whether it work out and friends who can’t prove they are worthy get me down. Life is golden and should be cherished. So find a reason to smile and laugh every day. You can choose to let life drag you down or you can beat it back, say yeah I know you won, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to care. Laugh, love and live life to the fullest. It’s really all we have.

Cookies Are What They Are & So Am I….

2010-07-31T08:26:00.002-04:00

So they say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink… I say throw it in and as it’s trying to get out it’s bound to get some water down and will drink. You think you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, make it hungry. I suppose I’m the old dog in this cliché. I can learn given the appropriate circumstances and prompting but I am very old school in a lot of my thinking and actions. I am the first to admit I know very little about dating or at least the way people think it should go these days. I’m not a game player so I’m not going to pretend to be the feeble or be a damsel in distress to get a mans attention. I have been told by many of my friends that I need to learn to play the game. I need to learn to act uninterested and to use a man to get free dinners and movies and then act unattainable to get his attention. Are you serious? Is this what you men want? You want a woman to play games with you? I guess I will forever more be single then because I won’t play games. I won’t act interested in you or lavish you with attention just to use you to get free food or movies. It isn’t who I am. If I am interested in you I see no reason not to let you know and then you can decide from there whether you’re interested. Let me tell you I personally think a man an idiot for not taking me up on my offer because I know I am more than capable of making him more than happy, but that is something men don’t seem to care about. They don’t care I can cook or that I’m loyal or that I enjoy every aspect of the relationship. They really seem to get flustered that if they act uninterested or tell me they aren’t that I don’t chase them or play some game to try to get them interested in me. I don’t have time for games, nor do I want to play them unless they are the games played between two people in love. To me it seems most of you guys want Barbie Dolls. Good luck with that. Barbie dolls are pretentious and will emasculate you at every turn. They will try to keep you under their foot instead of walking proudly beside you or following your lead. I do so want a relationship with someone I am interested in. There is the other rub now isn’t it? Life often has people interested in people who are not interested in them. Is that like a big karmic joke? You know though out of the last two guys I had relationships of any sort with I wasn’t really interested in them when I first met them and couldn’t see myself being interested in them. I mean the one I just had whatever it was I had with when I first met him I thought he was nice but that was it. As I got to know him I began to like him and saw him differently, so guys if a girl isn’t interested at first it doesn’t’ mean she won’t be at some point. It’s all about your approach. Being too eager can make her take a step or two back though. I’m just saying. Now as for dating can someone please explain the rules to me? I mean to me proper etiquette says if I ask you out and don’t discuss the payment arrangements of the date with you ahead of times, then I pay for the date. If you ask me out, you do. Has this changed? I mean I don’t mind going half and half with a guy. I don’t mind paying part or even taking him out every once in a while, but I would like to have it discussed with me. I recently went out on a date where I ended up spending money I wasn’t expecting to and it left me in a really tight financial crunch for the week. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been discussed, but it did bother me somewhat that it wasn’t. I’m just asking because I obviously don’t have a clue anymore about anything in the dating world. Also what point in the dating relationship do you see sex as being an approachable subject? I really find it offensive if it’s on the first date. Am I wrong again? Anyway I suppose I’m just a little on the old fashioned side. I like my doors opened, my chair pulled out and I like the man to order for me. He might ask me what I want, but when the waiter comes I like when a man orders for me. What can I say; I’m a romantic at heart. I’m the type of woman that if I go to a cookout or a party with a man then yes I will be waiting on him. I will go get him something to drink or eat and I will be where he can see me at all times if not right by his side. I’m also the type of girl that once I start dating a man I want him to be secure in our relationship so sorry guys if you’re straight and my friend I’m probably not going to be texting, emailing or calling you. I will probably delete all records of anything before this guy out of my email and my life. As a friend said, if I am not comfortable when my guy walks up to me then whatever I’m doing is wrong. I believe that. So what it comes down to is that cookies are what they are and so am I. I don’t know how to be anyone else. I’m not sure I’d want to be. It’s an adventure to say the least. One that has me down a little because I feel like giving up, but I will keep trying, because you just never really know if love is right around the corner or not.

WEBCAM?

2010-07-15T09:22:00.009-04:00

It's no secret that me and technology are not friends. My friends that are into it though keep dragging and pulling me by the hair to get me caught up. I guess I'm just not overly fond of it. I mean I am one of those people, that although I have gotten use to my cellphone I dream of days gone by when you could actually escape away from everyone to places where you could not be reached. Remember going on vacation and not talking to friends and family while gone? Not to mention that I think a great romantic get away would be to go off to a cabin together with no cellphones, no televisions, no computers. Wow! I know I'm going crazy here aren't I? I just think that sometimes technology goes a little over board. I mean when you're sitting at a table with someone and you're texting them rather than talk to them there is a big problem if you ask me. Now, I have to admit to having done it if I wanted to say something private, but our kids are doing it just because it's how they communicate, so what is the harm? They are forgetting how to communicate face to face. I actually heard a radio spoof about a man whose daughter brought him his cell phone (local DJ) then went back up stairs to her room and text him the question of when dinner would be. Couldn't she have just walked down and asked him? So I finally entered into the WEB CAM game. I bought one, a cheap one to start. I didn't want to invest a lot of money until I found out if I liked it. So the verdict is I like it. It's kind of fun to be able to see the person you're talking to and have them see you, but it does have it's draw backs too. It has definitely added another layer to the online dating thing. I mean this way you can ask them if they have a cam and you can offer yours and you can see before you meet what they actually look like. What a concept. Yes the pictures on this post were taken with the web cam. The one that is blurry was my first attempt. I am getting better. So what are your opinions of modern technology? What about WEB Cam's? Do you own one? Would you want one? What ways do you think they are good or not good?

The Pride and Problems of Being Human

2010-07-11T09:38:00.005-04:00

I think all of us have been seated upon a pedestal that someone has placed us on at one time or another. It’s really not a very comfortable position to be in no matter how much one might think it is. The person on the pedestal knows that sooner or later they’ll either be knocked or fall off and then in the eyes of the person that held them there they will somehow be a little less. I had this happen to me recently. I was held in high esteem by someone and had a moment of human weakness. Now that person treats me so differently it’s not even funny, which in some ways knocked them off the pedestal I had placed them on. It is a form of irony, so what can one really say? Sometimes when I know someone is holding me too high up I almost want to run before it ever even becomes a friendship. I don’t run though because I have found in life that you should always take a chance and live and have fun when you can. It can lead to heart ache, but then how much fun is it sitting at home alone on the sofa watching life just passes by you? I do have a little bit of a mean streak in me though. I mean, I know I am a fun person to be around according to most and I have a good time when I am with people, but I can be a little re-active. Yeah that is a good word for it. Example: I met this guy last weekend. He asked for my number, I didn’t sleep with him so I figured fifty-fifty on whether I’d ever hear from him. So he text me and asked me if I wanted to do something Sunday. Not one text but multiple text right up until 6pm to set this all up. Never sent the final text never came. Then the next morning I get an, oh, sorry I was drinking and lost track of time. Then this guy had the nerve to send me another text asking me if I wanted to go out on Monday night and tell me he was eating breakfast with his dad. Was he serious? So yesterday out of the blue I text him a message going wow you know you really need to learn how to follow through message for fun. I think he’d deleted my number and he seemed to have no clue who I was or what I was talking about. He sent me a “What” text message. I simply replied: You’re a big boy and you can figure it out and never responded to the other three text messages he sent trying to figure it out. A little on the mean side, it probably was. What can I say, but that I found it to be a little slice of fun for me? I suppose I really shouldn’t have but then what can I say. I guess I just feel I deserve better than that treatment. I know I feel like I deserve love, which is something life seems to have kept far away from me for far too long. I do believe for the most part though in allowing my friends, family and even ex boyfriends to find happiness and have a good life. I would never interfere in their attempts at doing so. This brings me to another issue. For the record for anyone out there that wants to know I do have self esteem and a little bit of pride, so even if I am interested in you I am not begging, crawling or attempting to sabotage you in any form or fashion to have you. If and when we get together it will be mutuall. I am not one of those soap opera plotters. As a matter of fact, to my dismay I am one of the most honest women I know when it comes to talking to the men in her life. You don’t know how many of my friends have told me I shouldn’t be so honest and I should play hard to get because it’s a game for a guy and they need the game. I guess I’ll stay single then because I don’t play games that the two of us haven’t agreed to ahead of time. I can keep a man smiling though. LOL… Some of you will never know what I mean by that. There are problems with pride in our humanity. It can get in our way and keep us from pulling close to those things that we most desire. This is one article I could probably keep going for an eternity because it is something I believe in. I believe in our humanity to make us unique and interesting. I believe in our pride to keep us humble. I guess you could say I just simply believe in the pride and problems of being human.

* Plenty Of What? ***

2010-07-05T01:38:00.006-04:00

So after a long break from the dating world I decided to give it a whirl a few months back. It has been an interesting adventure to say the least. The dating game has changed over the years that I took myself out of it. Did you know that “hooking up” is now terminology for get together to have sex? Funny when I say it I mean lets do lunch or dinner or a movie. People also now have a more open concept to when sex should be started in a relationship. I for one don’t think it should be on the first date. So I decided to check out some of the websites out there for singles. The three I chose to check out where “ZOOKS” on face book, www.LatinoPeopleMeet.com and www.plentyoffish.com which is a free website. The “ZOOKS” website and “Latino People” both charge you a monthly service fee to utilize their websites. I doubt I will be a member for more than one month on either of the chargeable sites. I haven’t found them to be much different than the one that is free so why bother. I tried “ZOOKS” simply because it was connected to face book. On it I have only found one guy that I would consider relationship interest to me, but did find one that is a friend interest so I guess it has been worth it on that. On Latino People I have found several prospects but so far nothing that has come to have anything come of it. I joined that site because Latin mean get my blood to pumping. Unfortunately a lot of the guys on there don’t get that a woman might be on that website because she’s looking for Latin men, but then I guess the men could say the same about the women. I’m not Latin. When I first signed up, the first website I signed up for was Plenty of Fish. What an awful name first of all. Shouldn’t we women be offended? I guess I’m over it though because I have had seven dates in the last two weeks off that site. When I first signed up for the site though I sort of felt like fresh bait in a piranha tank. I couldn’t believe how quickly and how many emails I got. I started out trying to be friendly for niceness sake with anyone who emailed me. Trust me when I say I’ve gotten over that rather quickly as I was asked a bunch of things I really don’t find polite conversation. It’s amazing though how asked by one can offend you and by another not so much. I guess human nature that if someone attractive asks it doesn’t sound as bad? That is bad isn’t it? What kills me though is one guy I had great emails going on with I gave my cell number and the first thing he did was send me a picture of himself in a Speedo. Let me tell you this guy should NEVER be seen in a Speedo and I guess his sending me that picture should have been a clue to run right then and there. Since he and I had such good emailing conversations before that though I tried to look past the ugly picture that was now embedded in my mind. I mean after all personality can make people who may not be that attractive, attractive to me. So what happens. This guy not only tells me he wears a size sixteen shoe and he hopes “size” isn’t a problem for me, but then he tells me he has a “lip” fetish and likes them big (no he wasn’t talking about the ones on my face, I know sick right?). Oh and get this… the final icing on this guys cake was that he told me he had to sleep with me to find out if there was a possibility of a second date. Say what? What a conceited, selfish, idiot this guy was. He’s a fireman in Elkhart too. Feel sorry for them. At least he really was good at putting out fires cause I wanted him before he revealed himself to be the big jerk that he was. Fire successfully put out. Good job Mr. Fireman. Then there was a twenty-one year old guy who wanted to VTEXT me naked pictures of himself so I could see if I wanted to screw him or not because he definitely wanted to hook up with me. First of all he’s young enough to be my son, secondly I’m not sure that is a good foundation for a relationship, of course I really don’t think he was looking for a relationship. Then there is this one that seems really sweet and all, but I’m thinking he has a wife or a girlfriend. He’s never on in the evenings or weekends… .only seems to be on from work. I’m thinking what is wrong with that picture? My over all opinion though.. I think it is possible that on one of these sites one could find a good relationship. I had a very enjoyable dinner on Thursday night with a man and laughed and laughed. On Friday night I enjoyed the company of a very nice man as well. So I guess they do exists. I also met someone not on the website… Not sure any of them are the one but I guess time will tell. I don’t really see a reason to pay a website with a free one out there though. I also think there are some old fashioned ways that are still good to find a date. At least on Plenty of Fish you know right up front whether the person has kids and whether they want more or not. For me that is a big issue right there. I mean if I never have children I am fine with it, but if I get with a guy that wants kids then he needs to know one or two at the most at my age. There are lots more guys I could tell you about on these dating sites and I am sure they have their own war stories, but for now I am going to give it a little more time and see what happens. I will update you as I go along. As they say for now I guess I will keep fishing and see if anything nips at the bait. Again, plenty of what?

Got An Asphalt Driveway?

2010-06-20T21:32:00.003-04:00

If you've got an asphalt driveway then you are probably starting to see the door to door people coming around to see if they can seal it for you. Am I right? Well, you could go with them, but you may pay more and get less than you would get with my friend Ken and his partner. They will do you a righteous job at a good price. I personally will vouch for Ken's integrity and would love to see my friends get treated right. Call them for a free estimate at 260-693-4117 today.

I Use To Think I was Invisible.

2010-06-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

Through most of my life I have felt invisible, almost as of I am nothing more than a thread of existence that dwindles in the air. It always amazes me to find out someone thought of me or wondered about me or brought me up in conversation. All my life I’ve felt as if I didn’t really matter that much to most people. I know my brother loves me and my mom and dad and some aunts and some other family and friends, but I have most often felt like it wouldn’t matter if I weren’t here. I try to fight that feeling most of the time because I do enjoy life, but sometimes someone says or does something that knocks one back into a memory that brings them full circle. This week has been that kind of week for me. A memory that ran through my mind so clearly was the first death that meant anything to me. I am lucky I suppose to say that didn’t occur until I was sixteen years old, but then are we lucky to know the sting of death at any age? Perhaps it would have been easier had I known more about it and been prepared. My grandmother Lula, my dad’s mom, died on November 27, 1983. I was sixteen years of age and I felt like my entire world had fallen apart. I remember that Thanksgiving being somber because my grandmother was in the hospital. We had planned to leave the day after to go and see her. My dad didn’t think it wise to try to drive on the holiday itself. The drive to the hospital in Kentucky, I believe it was Lexington (if memory serves), was a quiet one. We arrived late evening and walked into the Cardio ICU waiting lounge where my uncle announced that my grandmother was gone. Not completely though. She had no brain activity and the hospital had to wait for her blood pressure to drop to be able to take her off life support. I stood back from everyone else and watched as they hugged and cried and talked. I don’t know how long went by. I remember my aunt trying over and over again to get me to go see my grandmother to say good bye. I remember thinking so many things. One being that God could not be so cruel as to take her away before I had a chance to marry and give her grand children, or even to know of my graduation. What was there to say good bye too went through my mind as well? If she was brain dead she wasn’t there. I didn’t’ want to. Saturday afternoon I let them talk me into it though. It was the worst mistake of my life and I have regretted it to this day. I went in to find a shell of a woman. She was very thin, not the plump figure of a woman I remembered. There were tubes everywhere. Her eyes twitched and a tear was in the corner of one eye. Her fingers moved. It was extremely confusing in my mind to reconcile that all this was caused by the machines that kept her body warm. We had been told that it could be a week or better before they could remove her from life support so we left for home the next day on Sunday. It was storming outside which suited my mood. We got home to a phone call saying they had removed her so the next day on Monday we made the journey all the way back. We got there late evening. I had never been to a funeral home that I recalled until that day. We walked in to find it full of family and friends and again I kept to myself for the most part. People were laughing and talking and I was just getting angrier by the moment. How could they be laughing when my grandmother lay so lifeless and still in a coffin. It took me a couple of years to realize that they were actually honoring her memory with their laughter and conversation. As is with our custom my grandmother was moved to the church the next night for church services and the following day after that there were church services for her funeral as well. Both days I sat by myself and watched as each person had someone to comfort them and help them through, yet I sat alone and tried to remain strong. I felt invisible. I felt as if I was expected to show some decorum of strength. It's haunted me to my very core to this day and it started a long path of my trying to always appear to be strong and never weak. As of late my more human side has been showing though. I remember back to my grandmothers funeral. I believe that was the only time I ever remember to this day seeing my dad cry. I don't feel quiet invisible anymore though there are days I wish I did. I guess life's lessons just have something else in store for me right now because I feel more like I can't ever get out of the site of people right now than that I am invisible. So which is better? Good question.

What Makes A Friend A Friend?

2010-06-16T10:50:00.004-04:00

I’ve been blessed in my life to have some of the most wonderful friends, who not only care for me, but will go above and beyond for me. They are in essence my family of my own making. I have family members that I love and care a lot about, but I am not close with very many of them. Some of this is due to distance and some of it is due to busy lives and never taking the time. Then I suppose there are those that just don’t give a damn about me. Blood makes us family by blood. We can choose to grow that bond strong, as my brother and I have, or we can choose to just see it as what it is, blood. To me though family is someone who is in your heart and on your mind and they are the people you want to see happy and healthy. Not that you don’t want everyone happy and healthy, but your self imposed family is one that you worry about. So what makes a friend a friend? I believe a true friend is one that won’t say things intentionally to hurt your feelings, but won’t lie to you if asked a direct question. I believe they are there for you if your car breaks down or if they can’t be they call around until someone is or call you a cab and send it your way, but they make sure they are there for you. I believe a friend is someone you laugh with and someone you cry with. I believe they are a person who will give advice yet respect your decision not to listen to it. They will love you even when they know you are dating the world’s biggest loser and rejoice when you are dating a saint. They will watch you melt down and go insane yet will stay steady by your side. (True they may put you in a straight jacket, but hey…) A true friend will not betray you intentionally. (We all slip from time to time) They will not get angry at your other friend choices even if they don’t agree you should be friends with them. They will not judge you, even when they think you’re nuts. They will bail you out if they can and if they can’t they will visit you in jail. (Hopefully I never have to test that one.) A friend sits with you when you’re sick and makes you chicken soup. They try to make you laugh when you’re sad and they are always sympathetic to your mood even when they want to slap you silly. I am blessed because most people are lucky I they ever find one fiend this way. I have several. You all mean the world to me. Your cheering me on during my weight loss and listening to my ramblings as I am getting ready to start my third year of blogging have meant the world to me. I started this blog on July 14, 2008 at the suggestion of one of these very special friends. I have received an over whelming amount of emails and comments and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I’m glad I didn’t ignore his advice on that one. I am honest so there is nothing I have put in my blog I would ever hide, even though I probably don’t want my parents reading it. They have a hard enough time understanding me and accepting how different from them I am. So again I thank my friends and my readers and I welcome all emails or comments. If I don’t always post your comments sometimes I find them very personal and am selfish and don’t share. So what makes a friend a friend to you?

Judge Not...

2010-06-15T08:23:00.001-04:00

I am the queen of over thinking things. Lately my hormones (due to medications) have been a raging mess. I cry at the drop of a hat. Commercials make me cry. Now if you know anything about me you know I am not the type to cry easy so this is really screwing with my head. Then with the fact that my mind is constantly going you know I’m bound to make mistakes. Oh, well. I have always tried not to judge other people and let them live their lives. I let them make their mistakes without my imputing my two cents to make them feel worse when it falls apart, but I am human and as a human we judge things all the time. We judge people by how they walk, how they speak, how they dress and even who they date or hang out with. We make pre-conceived opinions based on stereo types that society has set in place. We judge foods, and jobs as well as books and movies and music. The bible tells us not to judge unless we want to be judged, well I have found the last few times I’ve been judgmental about anything it has come back to bite me in the ass. My biggest problem I have with judging people is I have a tendency to expect people to react like people from my past. I know everyone has been hurt, but I carry scars that appear to cause me to keep making the same mistakes. I expect people to let me down eventually. I look for it. I wait for it. It shocks me when they don’t or when I assume they have and I find out they haven’t. It’s a learning experience I suppose. Hopefully it’s one that doesn’t keep happening and doesn’t cost me happiness. Recently someone asked me what I want out of life and out of a relationship with a man. It’s easy really. Out of life I want enough money to pay my bills, a place to rest my head and for my body to be in shape and healthy. Out of a relationship I want my best friend. I want someone who is willing to share everything with me whether it’s their heartbreak and tears or their laughter and smiles. I want someone who even when they aren’t in the mood will still give me a reassuring hug or touch. I want someone I can depend on and someone who depends on me. I want honesty. I think honesty is the key to everything and yet sometimes I forget to open my mouth and offer it. I want someone I don’t have fear with. I want someone I can be proud of and someone who is proud of me. I want someone I could see being a good dad and a good lover. I want someone who can give me guidance and advice and can do it lovingly. I guess you could say I want it all. Hey don’t judge me. Doesn’t everyone want it all? So I’ll keep trying to judge not I suppose. What about you?

We Survived...

2010-06-09T08:23:00.003-04:00

I suppose a lot of my childhood was just like anyone else’s. I mean my brother and I would stay out until the sun went down either riding our bikes or playing baseball, basketball or cowboys and Indians. My brother and I were extremely close growing up and we still are. For that I am very grateful. I remember very well the carefree days of youth. There were no bills and for the most part no drama. Well, if there was drama we weren’t the wiser for it. I remember making mud pies, literally. I think my mom still has a donut I made out of mud. It hardened and she kept it. My mom is the best on every level. She’s the most caring and kind woman you will ever meet and I could never come close to holding a candle to her compassion and sincerity in her love of people. There are so many fond memories I could share of growing up. I really did have a good childhood. I remember in the summer sleeping until about eight in the morning, getting up and lying in bed and watching “Big Valley” and then after eating a bite of breakfast going out to start the day. Every day was an adventure. We would climb trees, build forts, and play in the bushes. Spies were everywhere and whether it was just my brother and I or a whole gang of kids we never seemed to get bored as today’s children claim to. We were outside until lunch and then inside only long enough to eat. Let me tell you that food was predictable at our house based on the day of the week. If it was Friday for lunch you were most likely having soup and for dinner frozen pizza and pizza rolls. Sunday was a bucket of KFC. Wednesday was McDonalds and so was Saturday on occasion. My dad was really big into routine. He still is. I love my dad and on so many levels he’s a good guy, but I never quiet fit up to his standards in anything. Lord knows I use to try. I gave up. After lunch my brother and I would head back out for more adventure and we would always welcome the mailman. Our neighborhood mailman loved kids and often had candy and would spend time talking to us. He was a good guy. It was sad when he died when I was about eighteen. We would gather the mail and give it to mom then off for more adventure. I’m sure knowing our mom she checked on us, but if she did we weren’t aware of it. As far as we knew she didn’t see us unless we checked in with her. At dinner we went in again to eat and then off again until the sun went down. Life as a child was an all day adventure. Bored? We didn’t know what that was because we knew how to pretend. Today’s children need that too, but most often I fear they are stuck in front of computers, televisions or game systems. Now there is nothing wrong with any of those in moderation but I think it would be sad to miss out on a life of fun and playing because of them. Today’s government probably wonders how we all survived until adulthood. I mean we didn’t have curfews, we played all over the neighborhood and no one had constant view of where we were. Amazing isn’t it how much time has changed. Each generation see’s those types of changes I suppose though. We did get our fair share of bruises and cuts though. I remember once stepping on a board that had a nail sticking out of it. I froze and wouldn’t move and lift my foot off of it so my brother went and got my dad. Funny but I’ve stepped on nails twice in my life… aren’t I lucky? There was another time we were playing touch football and my uncle (whose only 1 year older than me) dived for the football and took out my lower leg. I didn’t break it but it sure swelled up really badly. Then there was also the time I was pitching and my brother was batting and he beamed me in the eye with a baseball. Yeah we had our share of bruises, but it probably just made us tough. I feel sad that I don’t think a lot of children these days are experiencing those things. I have good memories throughout my life, but some of the best are from childhood. What memories do you have that you would share?

The Right’s and Wrong’s of Idiocy

2010-06-08T13:41:00.001-04:00

“id·i·o·cy
n. pl. id·i·o·cies
1. Extreme folly or stupidity.
2. A foolish or stupid utterance or deed.
3. Psychologically: Idiocy is the state or condition of being an idiot; profound mental retardation.”

Yes, you do have the right to be wrong. I will never argue that point with anyone for any reason. You have the right to be a lot of things, which perhaps you really don’t want to be. So what has me on this topic? Service and work in America. When did it become baby-sitting and non-caring and cold? I have tons of examples of what I am talking about so sit back because we could be here all day. Now granted I am not the calmest of people. I can be excitable so my first tale of woe is not out of character for me, but I was sleep deprived or I probably would not have been quiet so mean. At a local restaurant on Sunday night I met some friends. I really wanted to see them, but knew I was exhausted so I probably should have passed. I ordered two stuffed peppers (they are small), a side of lettuce, side of tomatoes and a side of fries. (No I shouldn’t have had fries). Now I understand the peppers are normally an appetizer, but everyone else was ordering food. I waited tables for 18 years part time and I can tell you I would have asked me if I wanted them brought out right away or with everyone’s dinner. Now I could have forgave the bringing it all out to me as an appetizer, but the guy shows up with two peppers. No lettuce, no tomatoes, no fries. Ignorance is a sore spot with me. Mistakes I can handle but ignorance, not so much. To me, and I know this is only my opinion and I do have the right to be wrong lets not forget, it’s common sense that I at least didn’t order a side of tomatoes and lettuce to go with my French fries. I am just saying. OK, so we are not training kids to think these days either. We are raising a bunch of lazy and ignorant kids. (NO NOT ALL OF THEM) I happen to know a few young people that are very smart and work, but it’s few. A lady at the gym yesterday asked me if I had noticed the under thirty crowd didn’t seem to want to work in the work place I was like – uh, yeah. Again I am not talking about all of them. True story: A couple of years ago I went through Rally’s drive thru. My bill was $4.85. I gave the kid a $5 bill. His computer went down. He hands me 42 cents back. I then explained to him the error of his way and he had me wait while he went and got his supervisor, who then stood there and used a calculator to figure out the difference in $5 and $4.85. No apologies for my wait, although I’m sure the look on my face was priceless. We can’t tell our children in school that they are doing wrong or that they are incorrect. What kind of horse manure is that? Our kids shouldn’t be treated shabby, but they need to learn the reality of the real world. Telling them they are doing well at something but perhaps they should try it this way when they totally mucked it up is stupid. Whoever decided that needs my booted foot to meet their… Anyhow, I suppose I should get off what’s wrong with American dance, this is about idiots and their rights. I really don’t want to stray that far off topic. I remember when working in the work place was good. Yes I am old enough to remember that. I remember wanting to do a great job and wanting to make sure my supervisor succeeded just as much as the company and I did. I worked hard and it felt good. In those days companies gave you an assignment and then let you run with getting the task accomplished. I’m here to tell you that anyone out there working today knows this isn’t true. First of all most supervisors have forgotten that their success comes from making sure you succeed and that having smart people below you and listening to them makes you succeed all the more. Ask Donald Trump and he will probably tell you that he got to where he is today because he had great people behind him. The person who forgets or tries to walk on those below them often fails. If I were to guess I would also guess that Donald Trump doesn’t micro manage the hell out of everything. A good manager or supervisor will hire people they can depend on and then turn them loose to run with it and only come to me if you have to type basis. Most supervisors today loose so much precious time and energy because they have to know every little thing going on below their supervisors. They have to put in their style and taste and heaven forbid the supervisors under them do anything they don’t like. Most I managers I have seen are unapproachable (We do have a really good director where I work who is very approachable, we are lucky in that respect) and even if they say they have an open door policy they make you feel subservient and unwelcome. Not to mention that whatever you throw out there you can almost feel their inability to really hear it because it isn’t the way they feel things should be. A lot of your management these days has the book smarts; they just don’t have the people skills or common sense to go with it. I’m talking all companies that I have observed too. I watch these places like fast food restaurants and department stores and it’s easy to see even if you don’t work there. That is what sucks for them even more is that the eye that isn’t there every day, the customer can see it. I went to McDonald’s a few weeks ago to meet my dad and brother for breakfast. The store manager was running the register because they were short staffed. Now, I as well as anyone can understand being short staffed, but she looked up at me and said nothing then turned and walked away. I stood at the register a good five minutes before she ever returned and then I spoke to her. She goes uh sorry we are really busy so many people called off. One) I don’t care. I feel for you but as the customer I don’t need to know your people called off and I’m not stupid if you were staffed as a manager you would not be taking orders. Two) Acknowledge me with a good morning I’ll be with you in a moment and it might save pissing off a customer and I might be a little more understanding of your situation. I am just saying…. Another thing I HATE and don’t necessarily agree with when a supervisor says it: “Well we can’t make everyone happy.” I might agree that everyone is not going to be happy all the time, but I’m guessing most people will settle for content and it really shouldn’t be that happy to at least aim for pleasing the majority of your staff so that they feel like working for you. OOOOOHHHH and here’s one for you that is just too funny… “You do such a good job at it and I know you won’t complain even though you don’t like doing it.” OK, so I hate it and I have never complained about having to do it periodically because I am a team player so you put me there on that task for three weeks. Gees maybe I should start complaining and not work so hard at it? No that isn’t me I will still work hard at it, but it won’t get me a warm and fuzzy feeling towards management. It’s kind of like the dog going outside to pee instead of on your rug and you beat it anyway, after a while the dog will pee on the rug. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS ONE – “I really know personally I don’t do well at that job”… so lets stick me in that job, because after all you have the right to be wrong and you really didn’t want it done well anyway did you? You want me to act like an adult and do my job? OK, how many times have we heard supervisors in all walks of life say that? Then why do they treat you like children at recess? People will act the way you treat them. If you tell a child over and over again that they have problems or are a bad child, guess what, it’s not rocket science that they will start to believe it and act that way. Same thing goes with good employees. If they get lumped into the evil employee category sooner or later they will be bad employees. It is going to happen. I have another lovely example of ignorance in the working world for you. Come on, you knew I did. When working second I got to I would go to Meijer when I needed something instead of Wal-Mart. Now usually I could find it cheaper and get it for less at Wal-Mart so it doesn’t make sense to pay more when one can get it for less in only a shorter distance does it? Let me explain why I did then. Wal-Mart employees will not help you at night if you need something that is down an isle they have closed off for sweeping. You can’t maneuver around the store because they have crap out everywhere and again they won’t help you. They have one lane open with what is usually the world’s slowest check out person who ever existed. I responded with some thoughts on this to them on a survey and their local supervisor of the West Jefferson Wal-Mart’s called me and talked to me. No apologies for my troubles, no thanks for the feedback, but what he did say: Well late night is the best time to do that stuff that puts our customers out and they only have so much time to get it done so they don’t have time to get stuff for customers and it has to be done at some time. Now how does Meijer approach it? They are actually smiling at one in the morning. The employees who are stocking ask you if they can help you and if an isle is closed own they go under the tape and go get whatever it is you need. If you forget something and are at the register they will send someone back for it. The isles are not as cluttered, and they seem to get it stocked in the allotted time. They apologize for being in your way. It’s a different experience and one to me that is with the small financial difference. I go where I get treated well. Simply put the management probably doesn’t beat their employees down and they realize the customer has needs that need to be met. It really isn’t rocket science. There are rights and wrongs of idiocy and most often companies big and small just have them wrong. Of course that is their right.

Believe In Yourself --- You CAN Do It!

2010-06-07T20:34:00.008-04:00

THEN...

If you don't believe in yourself why should anyone else believe in you? I'm very familiar with weight issues and the enormous amount of self doubt and self loathing that can accompany the extra pounds. I'm really familiar with the pain associated with the aching joints when one is carrying around extra weight and trying to walk. I remember very well walking around Meijer in agony and even on occasion having to sit half way through the store on one of the benches to rest before I continued. I remember thinking there was no way I could ever lose the weight. It wasn't possible. I wasn't in good enough health. My knees were bad. My back had problems. I couldn't breath right. I had a million reason's not to exercise. By the way I no longer have any of those problems. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't like myself and I really could think of no reason to try to change. I was depressed and lonely. I had withdrawn from my life except for work and family. I know you've heard the story before. It really does come down to believing in yourself and wanting it so badly you can taste it. I believe this is pretty much true of anything you want to do. If you believe in yourself and surround yourself with a good support team you can do it. I buy clothes now that are a little snug. They remind me to not eat so much. I force myself to go to places that use to be a tight fit as a reminder that I need to keep working at it. I don't always eat what I should, but I do try. I love exercising now. I love that I can hop in and out of the car and quickly go into the store and grab what I need and I don't have to worry about the pain and the problems I use to. I love that I get attention and not for the same reasons I use to. So if you're wanting to stop smoking or lose weight or anything else. Just ask yourself how badly you want it. Remind yourself you are capable of anything and then believe it. I believe in you, so now you just need to believe in yourself. You really can do it.

----------->>>>>>>>>>>>NOW---->>>>>>

The Age Old Question...

2010-06-04T09:44:00.003-04:00

When did we as a society stop respecting age? I mean I know that no one wants to grow older, but I am proud of my age. Hell I’m proud that after all the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life and illness I’ve had in my life that I’ve lived as long as I have. With age comes wisdom, uh, most of the time anyway. Now I admit to having some vanity. I mean I do cover the gray hair, although it’s more I don’t like the way it looks than the fact that I care about it being a sign of age. I would rather not have any wrinkles. I would rather the girls were perky. I would rather not have the aches and pains that come with time, but I am proud of my age. I also think I don’t look my age, which is a good thing. I have a hard time understanding when people are upset by their age to the point that they lie about it or try to hide it. I suppose society has driven them to it, especially if they are women. I mean it’s perfectly ok for a man to age, he is called distinguished. A woman is just called old. A man with a much younger woman is considered OK and lucky. A woman with a much younger man is considered a cougar. A woman can have children into her early fifties usually, while a man can have them up to the day he dies. Somehow all these things just are not right. Statistically a woman will outlive her mate if the same age by about ten years. I find that fascinating on so many levels. A person’s age and dating is its own beast of burden. Do you want someone older or younger or would you prefer them to be your age. Some people think it makes a big difference, I really don’t. My grand parents on my mom’s side were sixteen years apart as well as I have an aunt and uncle about the same and several cousins who have married someone well their senior. They all seem to be happy. I think when you’re looking for a mate that it should be about compatibility. You need to find someone who you can enjoy time with, someone who likes things you like. As I told someone yesterday though if you are not in love with a person I don’t think you should ever marry them. True love, does it exist? Yeah I think it does. Even if we are not talking relationships though and are just talking age in general I find it sad that the American people have forgotten to wonder and marvel at their elders. I miss the days of sitting on a porch and listening to the old timers telling stories. I miss my neighbor Mr. Wall with all his adventures. People for the most part anymore want to just put the elderly in a retirement home and forget them. At least it appears that way to me. A few years back I did some volunteer work and sat with some elderly to keep them company at a nursing facility and I found it sad that some of the people there the nurses said their families never visit. A lot of cultures out there do respect their elders and take care of them in their own homes. For whatever reason though here in the good old United States of America we have forgotten that they were once young, they were once us, and they deserve to be respected for all they have given. Heck even the government is letting them down with the faltering Medicare and Social security benefits that are way past needing an over haul. I find beauty in seeing an older couple walking and holding hands. I for one don’t find age repulsive and I know personally when you get to know someone the beauty on the inside can make them very attractive regardless (notice I did not type irregardless as it is not a word per a very good friend of mine.) of the packaging on the outside. Vanity reigns high in most people’s lives though. I find nothing wrong with trying to look your best and be your best, but age should not be something we cower from. Every day we live is another day of wisdom and in my book another day of respect we should have earned. I aspire to be Crabby Roads by the way… So how do you feel about the age old question?

It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost… Really It Is.

2010-05-23T07:57:00.009-04:00

Some people might argue the point that love can be painful. I suppose they would be correct. Even if it isn’t love sometimes it can tug at your heart. The plain and simple truth to me though is that it is better to take the chance and live in the moment of happiness. Some people never enjoy the happiness they have in the moment because they are too worried about what may or may not happen tomorrow. I’m not saying I don’t ever worry, I do. I’m just saying that you have to grab on to whatever bits and pieces of happiness you can find in life. I guard my heart very closely due to past experience, but as of late I have tried not to guard it so closely that I can’t feel in the moment. Most days I am happy and run about my life content and looking forward to each and every day. Days like today though find me a little blue and melancholy. They find me pondering if I should put the walls back up around my heart or continue to feel. I opt to feel. Life really is too short to miss every opportunity and I know way too many people who spend their time alone because they are afraid to take a chance and to grab on to what is offered. My neighbor, Don Wall, passed away on Saturday, May 15, 2010. In a previous article I spoke of him. I admired the man. He was 86 years old. He had married a girl out of high school, one he cared for and one he came to love with all his heart. He told me once that to make a relationship work and to make it turn to love you have to be willing to over look the small stuff and work on understanding the bigger issues and working through them. I can work on almost anything, but I have trouble when someone lies to me, even if it’s to protect my feelings. I suppose that is because I have been let down so many times and lied to over some pretty serious stuff. I want honesty. I give honesty to a relationship. If I am dating you I will tell you the truth or say nothing at all. I do not lie to the person I date because I do not expect them to lie to me, not even to spare my feelings. Where am I in my life? I am getting ready to turn 43. I have maybe 6 to 7 years to have a baby if I want one, which part of me does, but not without a partner. I’m not one of those women who want to raise a child on my own. I’m working on getting in shape. I hope to have that completed in the next 6 to 9 months. I want a partner and a friend. I think marriage has a better chance of succeeding if you are great friends, good lovers and love grows. I don’t know though. Maybe I have it all wrong. We’ll see where life takes me over the next couple of years. I do know even if I get hurt though I will keep allowing my heart to reach out to others. Life is better with love in it. There are so many different levels of love and there is a lot to be had and to give. I know people, divorced, who fear letting anyone else in. I can understand this, especially if they have been burned, but life wasn’t meant to be spent alone and no matter how close we may be to brothers, sisters, parents, friends, the freedom and bond you share and the comfort you have with a lover is something that can’t be compared. I think it would be sad to go all ones life without one and trust me I did so for 17 years. I let a lot of hurt and fear creep in. I was afraid to let myself feel. I still am to some degree. I like to think I am growing though and learning and becoming more secure in who I am and what I want. I like me I believe for the first time in my life. I like who I am becoming and that is partly in thanks to someone I have been seeing and it’s largely due to my desire to better myself and actually experience my life instead of hide it away. Yes, if you open yourself up to love you may be hurt. It happens. With my ex, David, I got hurt. There was a lot of bad, but even now I wouldn’t trade the good memories I had with him for anything. They are memories. They are a part of me. I love the song, “The Dance”, by Garth Brooks. It pretty much says it all doesn’t it?

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

It’s Not Just For Kids….

2010-05-18T07:48:00.002-04:00

What am I talking about? Cheerios cereal is what I am speaking about of course. You thought I was talking about Trix didn’t you. I mean that is what the commercial always claimed, that Trix was for kids. At the health club yesterday I got into a conversation with several women and found that I am not the only one who uses cereal as a snack instead of eating it in a bowl with milk for breakfast. I don’t like milk so I don’t drink it very often and I need the fiber and some of the vitamins you can find in cereal so I will often package up a baggie with cereal and eat on it as a snack throughout the day. I figure it beats candy and junk food and it can be very beneficial in many ways health wise. I was going to type up some facts, but I found a WEB page that has it all ready done for me, so check it out… Add a little cereal to your diet and avoid that mid afternoon candy bar.

http://www.acaloriecounter.com/breakfast-cereal.php

Torture Never Felt So Good

2010-04-22T12:58:00.003-04:00

So Sunday when I went to try to do my workout routine I found it extremely painful. I didn’t understand why because even though I knew I was sore from previous days working out I knew it shouldn’t be as hard and as painful as it was. I felt a little beat and like what the heck, but I tried to do them and sweated profusely and got through it. I push myself. Lately I am thinking I need to push myself even harder, although some people would disagree with me, like my parents. I have a goal in sight and it’s so frustrating knowing I am getting so close yet still not there. I had a lady ask me in the locker room last week if I ever feel like giving up. I simply said, “Everyday”. I mean who wants to push themselves so hard that they cry? Who do you know that enjoys pain? For me it’s simply that I want my life back and I want to be healthy and the best I can be, so I don’t give up. I’ve come so far, but sometimes the journey seems so long. I’m very appreciative of a couple of friends that push me harder than I push myself and give me advice to keep me going and help me get the most out of my work outs. Although I understand my mom and family and friends may mean well when they tell me to take a day off or missing just one day can’t hurt, for me it’s kind of like telling a drunk that just one drink won’t kill them. I need to keep pushing myself until I hit my goal. I need to keep going daily and working at it to keep myself motivated. I know once I hit my goal I can go to a maintenance routine but for now I need to go. I also understand it doesn’t leave me with a lot of spare time, but it’s my choice. Anyway turns out I had a fever and was passing kidney stones on Sunday night. I spent four hours with the porcelain thrown on Sunday night before finally deciding I needed sleep so badly that I popped a couple of Vicodan and went to sleep. Then I went to my doctor on Monday who told me that is what had happened and I might be passing more. A few medications later and I was back home, warn and tired. I slept the better part of the next sixteen hours. By Tuesday evening I was still in pain somewhat, but it was subsiding. I still have an infection and I’m taking antibiotics for it, but I think and hope and pray the worst of it is over. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I’m use to pain though. This is probably why I didn’t think much of it at the gym. I’ve endured a lot of pain in my life so it’s easy for me to dismiss as this or that. Yesterday I was back at the gym in full force. I forced myself through a routine I find pure hell at the moment, but I did each and every exercise that I was shown and did all my reps and didn’t complain. I hurt though like you wouldn’t believe when I left the health club yesterday, but the fact that I had done it and that I am still not one hundred percent made me feel great. I am going back for more tonight because achieving my goals are my driving force and some how torture has just never felt so good. Join me?

Sometimes All You Taste Is The Lemons...

2010-04-16T20:04:00.002-04:00

I am forever more an optimistic pessimist. Yeah I know... how can one be both. I go into relationships, no matter work or friendship with the best of hopes and the belief that everything is going to be great. Yet in the back of my mind is this little voice that tells me that once again I am putting way too much faith in my fellow mankind. This week has been hard on my heart and my soul in many ways, but it's just another stop along a bumpy road. Not that anything tragic or awful has happened. I just hate when people try to berate people I care about to me and it seems it was coming out of every corner or the universe at me this week. I also hate when people try to make me feel guilty because I am taking care of me and don't have enough time to spend every waking moment with them anymore. I know I don't have a lot of time, but I try to make the time I do have quality. This week I am tired emotionally and physically. I fight for my friendships until I feel that I've had to fight to hard and that the work is taking more out of me than I can handle. I had that happen this past week too. I tried three different times over the week to make plans with someone I consider a friend. They blew me off all three times and I didn't text them or call them all week. I never heard from them. I do care about them, but i just don't feel I should have to fight that hard to get to be around them so I have basically taken out the shovel and dug a six by six... question is will the casket get lowered and covered or will they come through for me eventually. Who knows... I know we all go through these things and I know I have friends that care a great deal about me. I do, but sometimes when someone disappoints you it's hard to remember that. Sometimes no matter how sweet the lemonade you still taste the lemons. The bitterness bites at your taste buds. If you like things bitter I guess that isn't bad, but me I'm still looking for the fairy tale life where people remember you have feelings and care enough not to tramp on them. To my friends that are there to support me, I love you dearly and I do appreciate each and everyone of you... Every once in a while life just deals us lemons, and sometimes you have to use the whole bag of sugar when making lemonade.

What Does One Really Say…

2010-04-15T10:55:00.003-04:00

It’s been a little over a decade since I met Mr. Wall. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how fast time flies by. I remember the first time I met him and his wife as if it were yesterday. I had just moved into the house I live in now and a major storm blew through Fort Wayne. His wife and he were out trying to clean up all the limbs and branches out of their yard. Our power was out and my dad and I were walking around the neighborhood canvassing the damage. His wife was quick to let us know that she was a go getter and that she should be in a wheel chair, but she wasn’t about to see that happen. She never did either, not even up to the day she died. She had issues with keeping on her feet, but her spirit to remain out of that wheel chair and independent rose to the top. Her illness also kept her indoors much of the time so I never really had the opportunity to get to know her. I remember talking to Mr. Wall a lot that spring and summer she was dying. He loved her more than anything. He loved her enough to let her go. That is true love if you ask me. He wanted her there but she was suffering and he was angry because the hospital kept bringing her back to life through machines. He wanted her at peace. In September of 2008 she succumbed to her illness and passed on. After she died I spoke to Mr. Wall of how she was in a better place. He said he hoped so but he wasn’t religious. He was a man of science and didn’t really believe, but his wife did. She had told him many times she had faith enough for both of them. He planted flowers in his yard, not because he cared, but because she had made him promise he would and he always did what she wanted. He told me that in life to make a happy marriage one has to make sacrifices, but that if you love someone they really aren’t sacrifices in the end at all. He said most people forgot that when you love you have to stop being selfish. He had many women who attempted to gain his interest that summer after his wife died. I always smiled as he talked of them. He said he didn’t’ want another woman. His wife had been the only woman he would ever want and another one would just be trouble and work. I spent a lot of time last summer talking to Mr. Wall as well. I always enjoyed my conversations with him. He had lots of stories to tell and not a one of them left you anything but wanting for more. After his wife died he had basically no one. I find that sad. No children left alive, no brothers and sisters, and no family to speak of. His wife had a couple of friends still living that checked on him. He had a couple of neighbors in our neighborhood that would look in on him from time to time. Our family would take him holiday meals, which he seemed to enjoy and look forward to, but other than that he was completely alone. One thing he had always had until this past year was antique cars. He worked on them and took them to the shows in Auburn. I think they were his pride and joy. He sold his off last year. As with that he started giving neighbors little pieces of his life. To me he gave me a complete silver set in a beautiful wooden box that had belonged to his wife. I shall always treasure it. I know it meant the world to his wife because he told me so and for him to have given it to me makes it so very special indeed. There was also one point last summer where he had found their camcorder and he wanted me to show him how to play the tape that was in it. The tape was a tape of his wife from a year previous to the last one. It showed her laughing and smiling at him as he took the video. I have no doubt he played it many times over the last year. It was plain to see that Mr. Wall was preparing for his departure from this world. Another thing was also plain as time went by this past year and that was Mr. Wall had found religion. He took out his FIOS TV, not because he hated Verizon, but because television had too man vulgarities on it. He said there were too many things that were not pleasing to God. He chose not to watch it. Again, he was preparing to leave this world and he was making his peace before he left. A few weeks ago he told my mother he’d been having chest pain. He said he just wasn’t doing well at all. He had told us on several occasions that he didn’t’ believe in doctors and he didn’t go to them. That is right the man never went to see a doctor in his entire life. He lived a healthy life and I can still see him in my mind those first six or so years I lived there coming out of his house. This little old man in his 70’s coming out in jeans and a leather jacket and getting on his Harley and riding off. Yes he lived life. I believe he loved life, up to the day his wife died. That is when the light went out of his eyes. I know he was elderly, but I think without her here with him, he saw no reason to be here. There is a song that reminds me of this…It’s a song I love. “The Smile Has Left Your Eyes” by Asia - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLqz_wl0dak --- I know the song is of another kind of loss of relationship, but somehow just the refrain says it all. The smile had left Mr. Wall’s eyes the day his wife died. So this morning I looked for that familiar light in his living room to tell me he was up to start his day, as he had been every day since I could remember. There was no light. There were no lights on last night either. My mother tried to call him about 9:30AM and called me to say she had no luck, so I called the desk sergeant at the police department and spoke with Jodie. She said they would have someone go out and check on him. My mind was screaming at me for what they would find. It also made it extremely hard to concentrate on work as a swell of tears for a man who meant so much is such little, but important ways to my life. So here is where you think the story has that sad ending don’t you… well no. The police called me as they left Mr. Wall’s house. The lady officer was laughing and talking about what a great guy Mr. Wall is. He really is a character and a little feisty the woman said. They had the paramedics check Mr. Wall out and found that he has two broken ribs and is having heart issues. They tried their best to get him to let them take him to the hospital, but he wouldn’t go. He told them the same thing he’s always told us, that he’s never been to a doctor and he doesn’t plan to start going now. The lady said she would set him up with hot meal delivery and check into getting free aid to work on his house and his yard. She also said she would set up for hospice to start dropping by and checking on him. She asked if I thought he’d let them in, that he’d agreed to it, but she wasn’t sure. I told her if it was someone willing to listen to his stories he’d open the door with a smile. She did say his life is winding down and it probably won’t be that long, but for today he is full of life and feisty and she thanked me for caring enough to call them and for the opportunity to meet him. You see that truly is the kind of man he is. So for today he still lives and I still have opportunity to speak with him again. It’s a life I admire and one long lived and lived well. So today he’s still here, but I’m still sad at the thought that he won’t be here much longer. Death is a part of our lives. It’s something I will never get use to, even though I understand it finds us all. So of a man like Mr. Wall, what does one really say?

A Final Kiss

2010-04-14T11:35:00.003-04:00

It was an exceptionally cold January. Icicles had formed on the window panes and a cold chill had settled in her very bones that she couldn’t quiet shake. Normally a hot shower would knock the chill right out of her, but it wasn’t working. She also noticed that her energy just seemed to be depleted. Shaking her head she slowly forced herself up off the sofa. She’d have to be to work in a couple of short hours and she had a lot she needed to get done before leaving. She was sure it was nothing more than the winter dreary’s. The fact that the sun hadn’t shown itself in almost a month was enough to depress anyone’s body and mind. In the pit of her stomach there was a gnawing hunger. That also was out of place for her. She normally didn’t even get the first pang of hunger until the late afternoon. The fleeting thought that it must be an emotionally charged hunger swept through her mind. At work that evening she found she was feeling dizzy and even more tired. She also noticed a slight tingle of a headache that lurked in the background of her mind. Although she was still hungry even after having eaten several things, there was also a feeling of nausea that was sweeping over her. She was still so cold even though the thermometer read seventy-six degrees in her building. It must be mental crossed her mind yet again. She muddled through the rest of the day and was extremely glad when it was time to go home. At home she kissed her husband as he was all ready there when she got there. She smiled at him and told him she was going to lie down for a few minutes prior to fixing their evening meal. He jokingly told her he didn’t know if he could wait that long, but then gave her a soft and gentle kiss on the lips and told her to get some rest, that he would make the evening meal and wake her when it was done. She sighed and walked off to the bedroom. She still didn’t feel quiet right. Great she thought, now my right arm is also aching. Damn arthritis. Getting older just isn’t fun and again she blamed the weather for making her miserable. No wonder people move to Florida when they get older she thought. As she lay down on the bed she smiled at the thoughtfulness of her husband and that soft and gentle kiss that he had given her just a few short minutes ago. Two hours later her husband came to wake her. He walked into the room and panic struck his eyes. Why did he look so distraught? She watched as he walked across the room to where her now icy body lay. Understanding now dawned on her own expression. Andrea had a heart attack shortly after lying down for her nap. She wasn’t going to be enjoying that dinner that her husband had so thoughtfully made her. She wasn’t going to have to worry about the winter cold any longer. Andrea had died in her bedroom shortly after lying down for a nap. That last gentle kiss was her final one. So what is this story about? It’s actually based on a true story of someone I knew. Not someone I knew very well, but someone I knew none the less. It’s the story of how a woman had symptoms of a heart attack all day and didn’t give it a second thought. It’s the story of how if she had not made an excuse for all that her body was trying to tell her she might have realized what was going on. Any one symptom by itself might have been something she could have passed by, but she had multiple symptoms. Women don’t usually have the same symptoms as men when they are having a heart attack. The most common symptoms for women are unusual fatigue, sleeping disturbances, shortness of breath, indigestion and anxiety. Most don’t ever have chest pain. As women or I suppose even men, we need to know our bodies and listen to what they are telling us. They do let us know. As in today I was craving eggs. Was it really eggs I needed? No, yesterday I gave blood at the doctors for tests. My body was just letting me know it was low on iron and needed proteins and other vitamins to build it back up. After I ate some shaved beef and some nuts and crackers the craving for eggs went away. Learn to listen to what your body tells you. It could possibly save your life. For more information on women and heart diseases check out this web page:

http://www.womensheart.org/content/HeartAttack/heart_attack_symptoms_risks.asp
The final kiss in this story probably didn't have to be her final one... will you let it be yours?

It Has A Name...

2010-04-12T20:31:00.006-04:00

Urticaria Idopathic Angioedema Pruritis - I know bless you for sneezing right? I mean what a long long name to mean simply that my body has built up an IgE antibody that periodically decides my body is under attack from foreign matter when in actuality nothing is unfamiliar in my body at all. Let me break it down for you... Urticaria is a skin rash often known as hives that is accompanied by severe itching and swelling. Idopathic means to rise spontaneously from an unknown cause. Angioedema means Swelling in the deep tissue layers caused by a build up of fluid that leaks from thin walled blood vessels. Pruritis is severe, usually chronic itching of skin that appears otherwise healthy. What the specialist told me is that there are a percentage of people, that as they age for whatever reason build up this IgE antibody in their system. The majority of these are women over the age of forty. Wow... Guess I qualify there too. He said they are not sure why this occurs but they do know how to treat it to make the likely hood that I will have another outbreak slim to none. I have a new medication, which is going to sink me about $35 a month. It's called XYZAL (pronounced SiZall). Starting tomorrow I am to take it every morning and my Zyrtec every night. I am to carry the Benedryl strips so that I can get quick relief in my purse and I go back to the specialist in three months. There is no specific item causing my episodes, just my lucky nature that I am one of the percentage of women who has built up this antibody in my system which causes histamines to get released periodically. Once the histamines are released they start attacking everything in my body... Fun Fun Fun. Yippee Lucky me, but at least we know and as Dorthy once said on Golden Girls, I'm just glad to know I have a real disease and it has a name.

Change is Part of Life

2010-04-06T14:02:00.001-04:00

I understand people’s nostalgia for times gone by. Really I do, but change is a part of life. It seems more than a few people are upset by the closing of my old high school, Elmhurst. All they talk about is stopping the closure of the school. Part of me can understand that, but I’m also somewhat of a realist. I realize that the building is old and in need of a lot of repair. I realize that even when I went to school there it got extremely hot and uncomfortable in the classrooms in May and the first part of June until school was out. The building has no air conditioning. I also realize that the building would literally shake when they were blasting at the gravel pit and must admit that on more than one occasion it caused alarm to encompass my very being while trying to listen to a lecture. I have a tendency to have a little more compassion for the people who don’t want the school gone for reasons that their children will have farther to go to school than I do for the ones who just want to keep it around because it’s where they went to school. It’s OK to have fond memories, but we shouldn’t hold onto or try to live in the past. Right now there is a group that gathers monthly of old Elmhurst, Wayne, and whatever other school out there. That is fun. It’s remembering the past and relishing in the friends we have made along the way, the ones we could make again and just a few good times, but it has nothing to do with a building. The spirit that belonged to those kids that graduated from that school will live on whether the building is there or not. The memories will be with us and some of the memories will be good and some will be bad. I say again that it is just part of life. The older I get the more I realize you don’t need material objects to have memories. I don’t need a picture to recall my grandmother standing on the porch waving to us as we would leave from visiting with her. I can still recall it in my mind as if it were yesterday. I don’t need the doll my parents bought me when I was eight years old to remember how much I loved that doll and the memory of them giving it to me. The possessions may be nice and sometimes having them is a fond way to recall, but the memories linger in each of us. If they tear down Elmhurst tomorrow and build something else there, it still will not take away the memory of hours spent with friends and teachers in that place. The decision to close Elmhurst is one that is emotional to many, but it is economically a sound choice made by the school board we elected to watch out for our children and for our financial needs to see that the educational system does not fail us. I am sure that none of those board members were aiming for Elmhurst based solely on the premise that they didn’t like the school itself, so if you see them out there please be nice to them. They are given a budget and there is only so much they can do with it. I would much rather they close schools than some other options. The bad part though is we are probably losing some outstanding teachers at those schools that are closing. It’s too bad they can’t keep the teachers and just place them at new schools. Once again, I understand the sentimentality. I understand even better those parents who don’t want their kids shipped off or who moved to the neighborhood so their children could go there. I’m also really more inclined to have major sympathy for those teachers and employees who will find themselves unemployed. I am not trying to be heartless. I am just being practical. Life is about change and this is just another one unfortunately that we’ll have to adjust to.

J. Devon Mathias

2010-04-04T13:53:00.004-04:00

J. DEVON MATHIAS, 81, of Warren, passed away on Wednesday, March 24, 2010, at Heritage Pointe. He was born Nov. 21, 1928, in South Whitley, and taught and served as an administrator in the Lagrange, Pleasant Township and Fort Wayne Community Schools public school systems for 39 years. Mr. Mathias was a member of Waynedale United Methodist Church and served there in many capacities for over 50 years. He was past President of the Southside Optimist Club, Sertoma, the Retired Teachers Association and Sigma Phi Epsilon. He was also a member of the Summit City Barbershop Chorus and organized the We the People civic education program in northeast Indiana for many years. He deeply loved gardening and was a longtime certified Master Gardener and docent at the Botannical Conservatory. Surviving are his two sons, Paul (Carlabeth) Mathias of Fishers and Mark (Debra) Mathias of Irvine, Calif.; sister, Shirley Sylvester of Dahlonega, Ga.; grandsons, Ethan and Corbin Mathias; and granddaughters, Caitlin and Marissa Mathias. Preceding Mr. Mathias in passing are his parents, Homer and Audra (Gerkin) Mathias; and his wife Amaryllis (Moore) Mathias. Service is 3 p.m. Friday, April 9, 2010, at Waynedale United Methodist Church, 2501 Church Street, Fort Wayne, with calling two hours prior to service at the church. Burial in Lakeview Cemetery, Larwill, Ind. Preferred memorials to Waynedale United Methodist Church, the Friends of Epworth Forest or Alzheimer's Association at http://www.alz.org/ - To leave condolences please visit http://www.elzey-patterson-rodakfuneralhome.com/

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What can someone say about someone as special as Devon Mathias. He walked tall among men. He loved people and he loved life. His joy seemed to be in helping the young and impressionable find their way in life and to know their worth. He was kind and compassionate and always had a welcoming smile when you would meet him out and about. Mr. Mathias was one of my seventh grade teachers, but to tell you the truth I really don't recall much about what he was like in the class room. I worked for him and his wife, Amy, after school and on weekends as did my brother. Looking back I know that their goal was to help mentor and teach us about the working world and the worth of a hard earned dollar. Amy was a bit of a health food fanatic though and young teenage kids most often are not that into the health foods, or the claim chowder that she would prepare for lunch. I rarely enjoyed the meals she would fix, but I always appreciated the effort that went into them. One very fond memory I have of Mr. Mathias was that when Amy would go out for the day as she often did, usually to go to her school to prepare lessons and such, she would leave pre-cooked meals for Devon to heat up for us at lunch time. He loved his wife very much, but was a practical man who knew children did not enjoy these meals so looking back it makes me smile to remember how he would throw out whatever she had made and either order a pizza, go get fast food or make hot dogs for us to eat. He would always wink and say "Don't tell Mrs. Mathias, lets keep this to ourselves." I don't think he meant her any disrespect as I have said the love he held for her was more than apparent. He was a good man who everyone who knew him was blessed to have known him. I wish his family peace in knowing he's gone on to be with his beloved Amy and my heart goes out to each and every one of you.

Emotional needs count too…

2010-04-03T01:07:00.004-04:00

Seems to me our government has its sticky little hands/paws in about everything we do or try to do these days. They tell us it’s not okay to spank our children, even though the Bible says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. (NO, I’m not advocating child abuse, but a little rump roast every once in the while with no bruising really doesn’t hurt anyone) They tell us that we have to have their permission to add onto our homes and even pay them for the privilege. They tell us even who we can love if you stop and think about it. All the while they are controlling every aspect of our life and they say they are doing it for the “greater good”. They are doing this to protect the innocent. Where are they with laws that really should be put in place to protect the innocent? It seems to me that on most things our government has it pretty much backwards. Not to mention that most things that are governed appear to be in protection of the few and not the many. The one that has me going and is driving me insane these days has to do with parental rights and a child's mental well being. Did you realize that in this great state of Indiana all our government cares about is that a parent provide sufficient food, an adequate roof over the child's head, clothes and see that they get to school. That is it. It doesn't matter if the child suffers mental anguish or abuse. No one cares in our child protective services, governmental blunder ship here in this great state. OK, maybe someone cares, but there are no laws to help it or so it would seem. The laws also seem unfair to me when they favor a woman simply because she's female and appear to believe that because she has a womb she's automatically the more nurturing and better parent. I don't get it. I think that the laws should take into consideration whether or not children are thriving in the environment in which they are in. I mean a child that goes from doing well in school to all of a sudden doing poorly, getting in trouble and being put on mental medications should be investigated as to what is going on in the home. Children are not as resilient as our government seems to feel and instead of checking it out they often just assume the child has problems and that it couldn't be associated with home life. I had a good upbringing for the most part, but I do have some mental scars from growing up and I can tell you not one spanking left any type of permanent mark, but some of the emotional ones I've fought my entire life. I believe emotional is worse. I also feel that if people have children that their children should come first at least until they are 18. I hear people argue they should get to have a life. They chose to have children. Their children should be their life. I don't mean they can't have a little time every once in a while to themselves. Everyone needs that. How I see it is that a divorced parent has every other weekend to do whatever they want. The weekends they have their children should be about their children. If they don't like having to devote all week and every other weekend to their children then perhaps they should not be the custodial parent. If you love your children and you can't devote yourself to them then it's the loving thing to do to give them to the parent that can. Don't you think so? It's not a failure to know ones own limitations. I spent a lot of time with my parents growing up. My parents allowed me time to be a kid and always made sure I knew they were here for me. There are so many things I could write in here and regardless of what someone may think this isn't meant to be directed at anyone in particular. I just think times have changed. I think laws need to change too. I know several single dads that want to be a part of their children's lives. They want to make active decisions. They want to spend as much time as they can with their children. Yet it seems the laws are all on the sides of the mom's. They give her full say in almost everything and limit the dads rolls. I know if people would be mature adults there would be no reason for the government to even need to be involved. I mean is it really that hard for parents to realize their children need both their mom and their dad and that time should be freely given without stipulations between both? Is it hard to understand that a child is a thinking being and can give you some insights into how they feel about the things that go on inside the home? No matter what our government thinks I'm here to tell you that I know emotional needs count too.... it's not enough to supply some sort of food, clothing and a roof. Time, love and devotion go into making a healthy and stable child that will grow into a well rounded adult. I'm just saying.... it's only my opinion but emotional needs count too.

Just Out of Reach

2010-03-29T17:27:00.003-04:00

If you ask me what my favorite tool in my house is I'm going to have to go with the "Gopher grab & reaching" tool. It of course is one of those "As Seen On TV" products. I am forever more needing something off a top shelf or dropping something behind the stove or washer or dryer. So I keep this hanging in my kitchen. I can just grab it and then use it to grab whatever has fallen out of my reach. I think it's a must have for every home. I have even used it to reach for stuff back under the bed. It retails for around seven to ten dollars so it's really not all that expensive and to save one aggravation when something seems lost, it really seems well worth the cost to me. So next time something is just out of reach are you going to have your Gopher? I'm just asking...

My Update...

2010-03-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

Progression is the key we all look for when we are doing anything. I have been avoiding the scale as per my doctors directive as I have been working on the toning of my body to where I have it at this time. I have started back on the heavy cardiovascular and weight loss as of this past week though and I am loving every minute of it. A great portion of that is walking outside and as mother nature shines down on me there is nothing to clear the old cob webs out of ones mind like a nice brisk walk. I love it and I highly recommend it to everyone. I feel great for the most part, bar having done way too much exercise recently and my muscles revolting with soreness, but I still forge on. People ask me constantly how I do it. I mean how do I do the weight loss and how do I push myself to continue on this path. It's simple to me. I have a vision and a goal. Just like anything you want in life if you want it badly enough you'll push yourself and work for it. Also, if there is anything I've learned over the past couple of years journey is that I am capable of doing about whatever I set my mind to. A little pain isn't going to stop me from getting what I want. After all life isn't suppose to be easy and pain free. It's always a little amusing to me when people ask me how I'm doing the weight loss and toning and I say diet and hard exercise. I know they want me to say some magical surgery or some diet pill, but that just isn't so. I put in at least 5 days a week and anywhere from 2 to 4 hours at a time at the health club. I also take several walks, right now as of this past week about 20 miles a week and working up to more. To be quiet honest I don't think I would appreciate it as well as I have if it had been some magical concoction rather than my own hard work and determination. It's not easy... I mean when you've got an option of sleeping your full eight hours or waking up after five or six so you can get to the gym and work out before work it's awfully tempting to give into sleep and I'd be lying if I said on occasions I didn't do just that. I also carry a picture that I laminated with me at all times to remind me of where I have been and never want to go back to. It's just one of my little ways of keeping on track. I have found that on days I don't get to the health club to do workouts I don't feel quiet as good as I do on the days where I do make it. This is another incentive to me to get up and go. I know once I've been there I'm going to be rewarded with a calm and feeling of good health. One thing that never ceases to amaze me at the gym is how many people are not truly there to work out. I mean you have the seniors club that is there to socialize and get out of the house and God bless them for moving and keeping fit in the process. Then you have the ones who go to the health club and hope that somehow by looking at or sitting on the equipment they will automatically reap the benefits of hard exercise and get in shape. Following these are the ones who use the health club as a dating tool. I have never been hit on or asked out so much in my entire life and I'm not really that great of a catch in looks, at least I don't think. One definitely finds a wide array of characters lurking about while there. Me? I don't mind talking to people or even having a friendly conversation, but I am there to work out and get healthy. I make sure I hit my machines and I stay active while I am there. If you want to talk to me you'll more than likely have to follow me from machine to machine and station to station. Then heaven help me, but guys I am going to let you in on a secret... I don't know if what I am about to say is true for all women, I somehow so think it is, but if I'm exercising it is not a good pick up line to come over and act all macho and try to show me how to do what I am doing, especially when I am doing it the way my trainer has told me to. It's also not wise to call me little lady or sweet heart and pretend like you have more right to be there than I do. I just don't get that one at all. I can see my friends right now that know me so well rolling on the floor laughing at the image of what was said to and how it was received of the guys who've tried this crap with me. Go ahead, laugh, take a minute and compose. So if you're done laughing? I'm hoping this summer will find me hitting my goal weight and getting in the best physical condition I can possibly get in. I know what I want. I have a goal and my eye is on the prize. Anyone care to join me?

* Plan B *

2010-03-21T17:34:00.006-04:00

Let me start by saying it is my opinion that everyone is entitled to their
opinion whether they are right or wrong. Seriously though the opinions
expressed in this blog are mine and are not meant to insult anyone or upset
anyone, just to make you stop and think and to give you the opportunity to
express your opinion on the topic as well. This just happens to be on my
mind. --- If you’re super sensitive to this topic you may want to sit this
one out.

Abstinence is the safest form of birth and disease control. That is what they say, right? Well, one would have to agree and could hardly argue that they are correct. The problem here is it is not happening. You know it and I know it. I’m not for promoting sex in teenagers so don’t even go there with me; however, I do feel it’s a parent’s responsibility to talk to their children about sex and to teach them and prepare them to keep them safe. My parents, God I do love them, but they never had any form or fashion of a sex talk with me. Heck my mom didn’t tell me about my menstrual cycle until I had all ready been on it a year and using her pads. Guess she didn’t notice. My parents are and always have been and will be old fashioned. Nothing wrong with it, except with society the way it is today we can not afford to not inform our children of the facts. The fact is that Aids is real. The fact is that once you have a girl pregnant, there is no turning back, no matter the choice you make. Yes I said choice. I know it’s a word that gets the pro-life folks standing in line to beat down doors and yeah to an extent I’m with you because I am pro-life, but I am also pro-choice. So how can I be both? That is an easy answer. I don’t believe I or anyone else has the right to make choices for anyone else or to tell them what their relationship with God is or how their body should have to suffer. And before you go there I have all ready heard the argument about watching a child be neglected and no I wouldn’t stand by and watch someone beat a kid, but I don’t see this as the same thing, sorry, save your breath. I would never dream of asking a girl who was the victim of rape or incest or who might die while doing so to carry a baby that she couldn’t possibly want. On the other hand if she aborts it she’ll have that cross to hang on to for I’m sure it has to be an emotional roller coaster. I seriously don’t think there is anything that could make me abort a baby, but I’ll also tell you that at this point in my life I don’t want children of my own. As much as that probably is to the dislike of my mom and dad I don’t. I don’t even know if I want a husband, let alone kids. A partner to share life is a wonderful thought, but finding that right person is tricky. I like my life for the most part the way it is. So with that said, we know people are not going without sex, but are they being safe with sex? I have talked to several people that claim they just can’t stand to have sex using a condom. So I suppose they like the idea of and STD? I’m here to tell you that if the choice is no sex or using a condom most people will use one so girls don’t let the guys tell you that and guys don’t let the girl hood wink you. While we are on that subject guys really you do need to know if you can trust your partner. I mean just because a girl says she’s on the pill don’t make it so. I had an ex room mate who purposely got pregnant knowing the guy was from a hard core Catholic family and that the guy would marry her. I think it was wrong and I doubt it ever came with a happily ever after the way she might have thought, but I’m telling you there are girls out there that will do it. And girls you need to be doubling up on your security too. Just because he wears a condom doesn’t mean it won’t break or he hasn’t damaged it or lubes might make it less effective. Seriously sex is not to be treated lightly. It comes with emotional and physical ramifications. Now, if you do find yourself in a bind ladies where the condom breaks or you’re in a “hurry” and don’t ask him to wear one or oops didn’t take my pill today, there is a product out there you can buy called “The Plan B Pill”. It’s not meant to be a permanent form of birth control and trust me when I say you wouldn’t want it to be. Walgreen's sells it for around $45, Wal-Mart’s around $55. The difference is that Walgreen's is a two pill taken at 12 hour intervals where Wal-Mart’s sells a single dose pill. What is this pill? Simply put it is a pill that prevents fertilization and ovulation. Yes I said prevents fertilization, so if you take it you are not killing a living human being because one hasn’t been created yet. I know there are still people out there that think it’s wrong because you should allow God to decide, but this pill is no different than using a condom or taking the pill to me. Even with that said though there are several pharmacies that refuse to carry this pill simply because of the religious up roar that it comes with. It is often referred to as a morning after pill, but is not exactly the same pill. This one works to stop fertilization from ever happening in the first place. This pill needs to be taken within 72 hours of having unprotected sex or from the time of whatever occurred to make you suspect you need it. The longer you wait the less likely it will work and ladies there is only an 89% change it will work in the first place. I know that sounds like a good number, but it leaves 11% odds in favor of becoming pregnant. I’m just saying. This pill does have some side effects that can occur and I would highly recommend you read up on it long before ever needing it to make sure it’s an option, but it is out there and it is available should the need arise and for those that are thinking it’s expensive, well how much does it cost to raise a child these days? So if you’re in doubt you might want to take a chance and roll the dice, or see your Walgreens or Wal-Mart’s pharmacists and get “The Plan B Pill”. It’s just another option for you. So if you hadn’t heard, I wanted you to know there was one available. Again, this is all only my opinion.

Technology or Life?

2010-03-19T20:00:00.001-04:00

Technology or life? Sounds like a simple enough question doesn't it? Every day people are making this choice though. Do we spend our hours in front of a computer, a television or a video game or do we actually get out and enjoy everyday life? All through the winter I have read approximately three books a week. I love reading and have sort of lost touch with the old boob tube so to speak. Between work and the health club and reading I have a full schedule, even though I do find time to see my friends as well. With summer coming on I will definitely cut way back on the book reading. I love the outdoors! I have gotten to take walks outside all week under a blue and sunny sky. What perplexes me is that people choose to hide away behind closed doors in such wonderful weather. Even if there is chilling to the bone wind though I still don't find it healthy to sit at home and never get out among the living. As human beings to thrive we need socialization and interaction with others even if it's walking alone and watching the world exist, we need that insight. I never feel more alive than on a pretty day when I've got my IPOD on (yes I know it's loud and it may harm my hearing) and I'm walking and thinking and feeling. In the winter months before I joined the health club I felt blah and almost depressed because I was stuck inside with little means of exercise. I must admit that joining the health club did help that some though and I have friends that swear by the "fake" sun to help brighten ones life too. I have never been to a tanning salon in my life, but must admit to thinking about it. Who has time in our busy schedules to lay out in the sun? Of course there are health concerns with the "Fake-n-bake", but then what isn't there a warning label on these days. I'm pretty sure we aren't suppose to breath because it could damage our lungs. I am extremely happy at the thought of walking again though and hope it will help me peel off the rest of this weight I have to loose. I know technology has it's place, but I do feel it has hindered our health somewhat. I mean now we sit in offices and barely move from our desk or heck even at our desk. Back before all this technology we actually had to get up and walk across the room if we wanted to retrieve a file or ask someone a question. I miss those days to tell you the truth. As a matter of fact, even though I'll admit to being addicted to my cell phone somewhat I miss the days when technology couldn't find us if we went camping in the woods. I have laid aside my cell and not bothered with it when spending quality time with friends and such though. I think a little technology goes a long way on so many levels. I say we all get back to living life and loving nature. Nothing wrong with technology if you remember you rule it and it doesn't rule you. So which one are you choosing technology or life?

Colgate Wisp

2010-03-11T22:46:00.003-05:00

I'm sure there are other brands of this same type of product, but the only one I have tried to this point in time is the Colgate Wisp in Cinnamint. I have to say this is a clever little product and if you haven't tried it you really should. I keep them in my car. They are wonderful for if you've eaten something and you need to freshen your breath and make your mouth feel more human. It's a product I have to say I'm quiet addicted to at this point in time. So pick some up today... Trust me you've got nothing, other than money ;-), to lose.

Happy Birthday Joe!

2010-03-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Facing the Fear

2010-03-07T17:32:00.006-05:00

Walking in on one’s worst fear and attempting to stay is something I can attest to is not an easy task. I have been all about trying to conquer my own fears over the past year. I have faced things I thought I never would and dared to do things I never cared to even contemplate. Imagine if you will being confronted with a haunting memory from the past, something that gripped you so badly that it controlled you for more than a decade. The scene you walk into very similar and the feeling in the bottom of your stomach that of sickness and fear. You can feel every inch of your spine tighten and every breath seems like a chore. You consciously are aware of every time you move about the room your brain has to be told to move your arms or your legs. Your hands tingle with a numb awareness that you are ready to grab the car keys and find the nearest exit. You bite your lip at the awareness that your legs may not support your flee. It’s almost as if a slow motion picture is playing out in front of you. You’re physically there, but somehow it’s not real. Inside you are filled with memories of days long gone by and of a time and place that no longer exists except for in your fears. Can time repeat itself? You are faced with the decision of staying and facing your fears to finally put them to bed or turning on your heals and running back into the safety of your own private world. Should a person stay and face it so that it will no longer control them or should they tuck their tail and run? I suppose one could say I’ve done a little of both. I am a firm believer these days that you must face life head on and that wallowing in self pity and fear gets you absolutely nowhere. There are no nights in shinning armor that are going to ride in on their white steeds and save the day. It’s up to each and every one of us to live our lives and to make the best of what we have. I’ve preached this before I know, but it’s not changed in that you can choose to wallow in self pity or you can pick yourself up and make the most of each and every day. I personally think if a person hides the way I did for so long they truly are not living, but are merely existing. One could argue they are merely taking up space on an all ready overly crowded planet. Then there are always regrets and mistakes. Good Lord knows I make enough of them that if they were the pre-requisite for giving up on life I would have long jumped in the open grave and let someone shovel the dirt on top of me. We all make bad choices and we all have regrets. It took me many years to realize that. Sometimes it can feel as if the world is only beating us up and that the rest of the world hums along without any problems. I know that isn’t the truth, but it would be easy to believe especially when a bunch of issues and problems all seem to accumulate at our door step at the same time. Ever have one of those dreams that you are running and going nowhere as the monster creeps slowly up behind you? Your feet just aren’t getting you away fast enough or they are moving but it seems like no matter how fast you run the monster gains ground. Yeah we all have those don’t we. Sometimes life can feel that way to. Next time you’re having that dream take control of it, stop in your tracks, spin around and kick the monsters a**. Go ahead you can do it. The same as you can face your fears in real life. You can choose to forge on and be the best and have the best life you can possibly make it out to be. Everyone has problems, fears and regrets. It’s how we handle them and how we live that makes the difference.

"I don't believe in self-pity. It only brings you down.
I may be the queen
of broken hearts, but I don't hide
behind the crown. When the deck is stacked
against me, I just play
a
different game, My roots
are planted in the past and though my
life is changing' fast, Who I am is who I
wanna be" - Reba McEntire's
"Survivor"

To Drink or Not To Drink...

2010-02-27T16:50:00.003-05:00

To drink or not to drink that is the question. Yeah but before you get too excited let me tell you I’m not talking about liquor. What am I talking about? I’m of course talking about water. Did you know that your body is comprised of over 50% water? They say the average male is about 60% and the average female about 55%. Your blood is comprised of 70% water. Lean muscle in the body is 75% water by weight. The human brain is 90 to 95% water. So now you’re going, “Yeah and so what?” Most people do not seem to like to drink water that I talk to. As with anything else I’ve found that water is an acquired taste. Yes I said taste. So many people tell me all the time it has no taste, but to me it does, and if it really doesn’t then why not drink it? The thing is that water is vital to your health and your well being. Did you know that drinking just 2% less than the required daily amount of water that your body needs can cause dehydration, headaches, fatigue, nausea, and forgetfulness? Let us not forget to mention that your body in its need for water will make you hungry when it actually wants water? Yep that is correct, next time you’re thinking you’re really hungry and you shouldn’t be you should drink a good 8 to 16 ounces of water to see if it goes away. Your body will crave foods because it can draw water from them. To your body it’s logical. Here is another kicker too: You can not drink soda and think you’re getting water. There is no useable source of fluid for the body in soda. Caffeine will actually dehydrate the water you have. The plain old facts are that you need to drink actual water to maintain a healthy balance. Your skin will even look healthier and your hair too if you start drinking enough of it. This doesn’t mean go over kill though because there is such a think as too much water. Every heard of too much of a good thing? The average person should consume 64 to 120 ounces of water on any given day. Still don’t think you can do it because you hate water? Well there are flavored waters sold in stores, but most of those have carbonation which is hard on the intestinal tract, but they are still a valid option. They will not be the same as plain water, but they will help. My favorite option and one I’ve been given approval by medical staff on is the Wyler’s to go and the Crystal light to go packs. If you’re not in the mood for plain water you can carry these with you and add them to water for flavoring. They contain about 5 calories a pack and are extremely good. Still plain water is better but this will work. They do not really cost all that much either. The Wyler’s drink mixes are 10 packs for $1 at Walgreens or about $1.18 at Wal-Mart’s. The Crystal Light is going to run you around $2.29 to $2.99 depending on whether you want energy drinks, regular, or immune fighting properties in the drink mix. Either way you can’t go wrong by adding a little water. Now it’s true until your body adjusts to your drinking a lot of water you will more than likely be making more trips to the bathroom, but hey look at it this way, added exercise. Your body does regulate and that slacks off after it adjusts to the amount you are drinking though. You should notice an improved difference in the way you feel after only a week and you will also notice that after a couple of weeks you really start wanting water. What are some of my favorite drink mixes? My very favorite drinks are Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade and Wyler’s Grape. I take them with me when I go to restaurants. Extra bonus there in that I don’t buy a drink I just simply get water and add my own flavor. How can you beat that? Now the question for you is simply: To drink or not to drink? That is the question.

Martina & Trace...

2010-02-26T02:22:00.010-05:00

What can one say about two such outrageously talented performers together under one roof for one spectacular night? It was an awesome concert. Not withstanding the lack of ability on the planning of whomever threw it together, I still had an amazing time. Tom and I got to the coliseum and went up to the lounge to relax before the concert. I saw lots of cowboys, so that wasn't all bad. Then we found that there was a long line in as they didn't really have the routes into the concert outlined in a manner that made for ease of getting to your seat, of which they decided that they needed to remove our seats to make more walkway room and then tried to sit us up in the stands and way away from the stage. We were suppose to be five rows back. I was not pleased to say the least. Then the usher ran off with my tickets. We ended up standing at the back on the floor, which although at first I was frustrated it turned out to be a good place to be, especially when we found out we were standing directly in front of the makeshift stage that Martina McBride came out to during one of her performances. If we had been bold enough we literally could have reached out and touched her legs. We were that close. So where we ended up wasn't so bad after all and being on the floor I was able on multiple occasions to walk down right in front of the main stage and take photos of both Trace and Martina.
Trace Adkins of course could just stand on stage and I would be happy, but he was quiet charming and entertaining. He even cracked a joke after an audience member gave him a beer that he'd recently come to realize he's allergic to beer. It seems every time he drinks it he ends up in jail he joked. He went on to drink the beer. His performance was mesmerizing to me. So much man and such a velvety voice. Then Martina of course was flawless and thankfully she sang a lot of her old school type music. One of which was a song off her "Time Less" album. I was happy about that because I like her older music much better than the new. All in all a good time was had. I am still not happy with the coliseum. Good money was paid and expectations were set and although it turned out OK, I didn't care for their lack of good judgement and planning. If you would like to see the rest of the pictures I took at the concert you can find them on my face book page.

McFrappes?

2010-02-23T16:21:00.004-05:00

I’m not really much for flavored coffees and I’m definitely not a cappuccino girl. Normally I like my coffee either with two sweet-n-lows only or sometimes I’ll add cream too. Now, I’m not apposed to adding a little Irish Cream (real, not imitation) to my coffee or even Bailey’s, but I really just don’t get the fascination with the flavored drinks, but then of course I like the taste of coffee. I didn’t always. Like most things in life coffee is an acquired taste. None of us come out of the womb and immediately go yeah baby coffee. I worked a part time job for the Fort Wayne Children’s zoo in the middle to late 80’s. I loved that job. It wasn’t a job made to pay very much, but the people where friendly and fun for the most part and it was good honest work. Earl Wells was one of the nicest people you’d ever want to meet, as is Jim Anderson who replaced Earl. I had a lot of good times back then. More innocent in my way of thinking but I did learn a lot of hard life lessons while working there. I also learned to love coffee. I worked at the zoo year round which meant several long winter days out in the freezing cold weather doing all sorts of things. The worst I can remember is using a huge hose to clear paths of ice and snow. I would go in to the break room frozen solid and somehow something cold just was not going to cut it. The only thing hot there was of course coffee which I quickly learned to drink just to warm myself up. Before I knew what was happening not only did I drink it, but I sort of craved it. Now I’m not a die hard like some of my friends and family. I have a coffee pot at home, but I rarely use it. I usually use those little tea bag coffee’s if I’m at home and want one. Me hyped up on a whole pot of coffee isn’t a pretty thing. As most of my friends will attest I normally have enough energy all on my own without it. So today I had a coupon to try McDonald's new Caramel Frappe. I thought it would probably be a waste of my time in that I’ve rarely found any flavored coffee drink I like and I sure as heck don’t like their iced coffee’s, but it was free so I figured why not? I’ve got to tell you… I LOVED IT! I could definitely see this little drink getting addictive, although I was half tempted not to get it and to get a shamrock shake (forgot those were out now and I love them). I settled on the drink I went in for though and I was not disappointed in the least. Nutrient wise a small one of these has about 130 calories (50 of which come from fat), 5 grams of fat (3.5 of which is saturated), 20 mg of cholesterol, 40 mg of sodium, 21 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 200 vitamin a (IU) and 40 mg of calcium. All in all that isn’t really that bad. I wouldn’t advice drinking them by the gallons but for a little afternoon pick me up, especially after spending a few hours at the gym, it’s really not that bad. Hey and what better way to put a little boost into your afternoon than with whip cream and caramel? OK, I am talking about on the drink here guys!

Forge On

2010-02-22T15:41:00.003-05:00

You are in charge of your own emotions. You are also in charge of the way you choose to perceive things. In life you will either be a pessimist or an optimist. Now whether you agree with me on any of this or not, it’s just my opinion, you and I both know it’s true. There isn’t one person out there in this life that doesn’t have some kind of trouble or problem going on in their life. Every one of us could get up every day and start thinking about all the bad things that are going on in our life. We could constantly complain about how bad life sucks and how we don’t have this or that. We could whine and bask in our own misery. I don’t know about you but that really doesn’t sound like a lot of fun to me. I choose to look at the positives in my life. I woke up this morning and didn’t have any aches for once. I got to the health club in a timely manner and got my workout done. I found a pair of shoes for my evening out on Thursday (can’t always wear sneakers) and I got to work in time to do a walk before my shift. Yes it is raining out, but it isn’t SNOW. That is just one example of finding the positives. Now I know there are days that is just too hard to do. A friend of mine lost her boyfriend in a car crash yesterday afternoon. I’m sure it will be a while before she can get up and find the positives easy to reach for. It was also hard the morning I got up and had an email telling me good bye from my friend Andy and then finding out he had ended his life. I still tried though. I wrapped my mind around the fact that I have family and friends that love me. I dwelled on the fact that I still had today to live and I tried to think about the fact that he had done what he chose to do. So, yes, I do understand it’s not always easy to be positive, but in this life you can choose to laugh or you can choose to cry. You can walk around thinking about everything that is going wrong, or you can choose to think about everything that has gone right. If there are things you don’t like about your life though and they are within your ability to change them, then you should do what you must to change it. Don’t sit around wishing they would change or that someone would change them for you. We can control our own destinies. I believe that. So forge on with your day with a positive attitude. Believe that you are worth your own efforts to succeed and be happy. Whatever you do… remember to smile, laugh and love as often as you can because life is to short and it would be a shame not to have as much happiness as you can while you’re here.

Sex in America

2010-02-19T20:21:00.006-05:00

Warning to anyone who doesn’t want to know… Don’t read this…

A friend of mine is hosting an adult toy party in March. I suppose those types of events would shock some people. I’m not easily shocked so yes I’ll be there. For all my family and friends that read that I’m sorry if that is shocking, but I am forty-two years old so yes I am familiar with sex. What is surprising more than anything I could find being shown or sold at this party is that our government once again in it’s wisdom has stepped in and said what can and can not go on in the privacy of ones very own home. There are a few guys who are gay who wanted to attend this party, but the government has decided that they do not want to allow mixed sexes at this party. You can either have all guys or all girls. Now what I don’t understand is what would the difference be in “straight” guys and girls attending this party or a room full of “lesbians” or “gay” guys attending this party together? Obviously the intent here is that if you have men at this party with women then of course something of a sexual nature could happen. Heaven forbid we are all adults and can act humanly. Isn’t it the same in all aspects of our lives? I mean when I go to the health club I share a locker room with women who may be straight or may be gay. I have no way of knowing and to tell you the truth I don’t rightly care either way or even think about it when I’m there. We all manage to behave ourselves, get dressed and co-exist without anyone being molested in the process. It just seems to me to be a little on the extreme side for our government yet again. Either way you look at it; these parties are not for everyone. I mean there are the light of heart that would die upon seeing some of the toys people choose to use in their time of leisure. I know what most of the toys are and what most of them are used for if anyone has any questions out there for me, but that doesn’t mean I use them. There are some of them that I look at and have to wonder why on earth someone would want to do that in the first place, but hey to each their own. This upcoming party has definitely made for some interesting talk while just sitting around in small groups. It is also very enlightening in that you find that even in the smallest of groups there is a wide and diverse difference in the way each and every person feels about sexual behavior and what is or is not “out of the norm”. I say whatever you do behind closed doors is up to you and your partner and no one else as long as it’s legal and there are no minors involved. Whatever you choose to do though please practice it safely so you can stay around and enjoy a few more years of your life. I was listening to my IPOD at work and came across the song by Reba, “She Thinks His Name Was John”. It reminded me, not that I had forgotten, about how important it is to practice safe sex, of course abstinence is the safest, but hey what can you do. The song is about a woman who always, except one time practiced safe sex and from that one time she contracted aids. If you have a partner who you trust and who you love get tested and stay faithful. That is probably the best advice I can give you because that few minutes could mean your life. Sex in America has not really changed over the years, but the way people view it definitely has. Stay safe.

http://pureromance.com/

Another Mind Boggling “Holiday”...

2010-02-13T16:45:00.002-05:00

Valentines Day is another of those so called holiday’s I could do without. Whether I’m involved in a relationship or single, it’s one I just rightly don’t really care for. I’m one of those people who appreciate the little things with no significant reason other than that the man might care about me. I don’t want a holiday around to force him to do something nice. I also then don’t get how women can really want a man, because of said holiday, to take them out to somewhere expensive and buy them lavish gifts. Nice things and nice dinners are nice, but I am a person who appreciates the thoughtfulness behind something much more than the price tag. One of my ex’s one time left me a message at work saying I thought of you and smiled today, left you a little something for when you get home. It was intriguing. There was no holiday, no special meaning to the day other than he thought of me and left me a stuffed cat sitting there with an I love you note card under it’s paw sitting on my sofa for when I got home. My heart melted. Still does at the memory. The same ex also bought me nail polish one time and told me I had beautiful hands and he just knew this polish would shine on my nails. I was talking with a friend yesterday who I think still has it bad for their ex and we were talking about the things this person had been given. You know just because you move on from a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t cherish any good memories you had with them. I’m a firm believer though that once you’ve moved on there is no point in revisiting the relationship. I mean there is a reason it ended and that reason probably hasn’t changed is the way I look at it. If celebrating the holiday with a boyfriend though I would rather it be special time together rather than a dinner in a crowded restaurant. If he’s smart he’ll either buy dinner for us and bring it to the house and set it up or he’ll cook. Then a little movie together, a back rub, a hot bath and whatever else the evening might lead up to and I’m all good. No tons of money necessary and it’s “us” time. Have you considered reading to your lady? I don’t know how other women feel, but I love a man who’ll read to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I like or not. The fact that he has his arm around me and is taking the time to read, yes even if it’s the sports page, out loud for me to listen makes me sigh. You know the other day I was listening to a radio talk show and this psychologist was trying to convince women around the country that they should be flattered when a man buys them sexy underwear or intimate apparel. Guys, I’m sorry, but I don’t know any woman who wants this stuff as a gift. The psychologist said it’s a guy’s way of saying he thinks you look good and have a body good enough to wear this. Let me tell you right now guys that all the woman sees is that you want laid and you were not thinking of her when you bought it. Ladies now let me address you… go buy something with him in mind. The man shouldn’t have to do all the work on Valentines Day and if he is sweet enough to come in and rub your aching feet and not be looking for anything in return… why not give him something in return for his effort? Romance is a two way street and that is another reason I don’t like Valentines Day. It’s all set up to put pressure on the poor guys out there. Ladies he deserves to be pampered and spoiled to. So no matter what he does ladies please try to remember it’s the thought that counts and it’s a holiday made to make him feel like a failure if you ask me, but I’ll get off my down with Valentines day kick and simply say this: Have fun, enjoy and love lots, but make Valentines day every day and try to remember to say a kind word, give a soft stroke of your hand gently down the side of her or his face daily, smile at each other, be understanding of bad days and bad moods, embrace time that you share and share all that you feel, take nothing for granted and love completely. Life is a gift and no one knows how much time they have. I reflect on this constantly. My friend Andy isn’t here this Valentines day for me to even tell this, so I will say it to all my family and friends. Happy Valentines Day and God Bless and keep you all. You are loved dearly and thought of daily.

A Simpler Time

2010-02-10T20:08:00.006-05:00

I remember the anticipation of seeing my grandmothers and my cousins. It was an exhilarating feeling and somehow in my Child's mind it didn’t occur to me that they had the same radio and the same television and the same access to news we did. It always seemed that the folks were talking about the difference between Fort Wayne, Indiana and Pippa Passes/Hindman Kentucky. The two worlds looking back seemed nothing alike. I suppose to a child getting to go away from home and being spoiled would seem different regardless, but there were major differences in the life styles. My parents always took soda pop and potato chips, cookies and pretzels to give out to the people we visited. This was partially because my dad worked a big portion of my childhood for Seyferts Potato chips. In the earlier years we would travel when my dad got off work and often arrived in the wee hours of the morning before anyone had awakened. We would then sit and wait until some semblance of life stirred in the home we were going to. As we grew older it got to were we would leave early morning and get there late afternoon. To me it didn’t really matter which grandmother we went to first. My grandmother Lula lived up a holler that my dad didn’t take the car up. We would park at the end of it and walk. I love the memory of that mere five to ten minute walk along the gravel path and beside the little creek to find my grandmother standing on the edge of the porch with her bright smile welcoming us. She always had a dog that would inevitably come out to great us as well. Oh how I loved those dogs too. We didn’t have a pet for a great portion of my childhood because my dad really didn’t like having them around. He didn’t feel they were clean and I suppose didn’t feel we would be responsible. When we were finally allowed to get a pet it was a cat. My grandmother, Lula’s house was small. It had a half wrap porch that was taller than I was as a child and probably would come about chest high on me now. (That is not short as in I am five foot nine inches tall.) There were two doors we primarily used when going in my grandmothers home. The first one was a side door and if entering it you would step directly into the kitchen and dining room as it was. Immediately to the left was a sink, but it did not have running water, but rather buckets with dippers for getting the water out. You see she had ‘real’ well water and many a times my brother and I have drawn buckets of water up from her well. I even recall one summer when my dad and my uncles dug her a new well. There were fish in the well and if you caught them in the bucket you had to throw them back. Immediately behind the kitchen if you went straight was a bedroom and a door leading to another bedroom which I don’t recall ever having been in. You see my uncle Paul had some issues mentally and he didn’t take visitors except small children and my grandmother. I do recall him sitting in a window where we could see him and he would watch for hours as us children played in the yard just behind the house. There was a pantry in the kitchen and then the living room was off to the right of the kitchen. There were two pull out sofas in that living room where company could sleep. There was an old dresser I would love to have had in the living room, a small television a couple of chairs and a baseboard heater. Out behind the house there were smoke houses and an outhouse out on the hill. No running water or indoor plumbing in this house. It was definitely like stepping back in time. There were chicken coops and a barn that had the creek dug through it to make watering the horses much easier. Except for late night there was no need for television to entertain adults or children either one. The adults would sit and tell stories of days gone by and every relative you could imagine would be there to see us, as well as the occasion neighbor who was just passing by, but be assured they were not strangers for in the hill country everyone knows their neighbors no matter how far apart they live. There were always plenty of cousins for us to play tag or ball with, as well as going down to the creek (Crick in the south) and fishing for craw dads. (Crayfish) -- Lord only knows what kept us from getting bit by rattle snacks and everything else. We would play up and down the hillside and we were rarely careful to watch our step. My grandmother kept corn fields and chickens and hogs. They were a small source of entertainment as well I suppose along with the dozens of cats. Some of those cats were not only house cat. They surely had to be mixed with the bob cats that did roam the hillsides because they were enormous. While south we would make our rounds and attempt to see as many relatives as possible. When we were younger we would stay a week, but as we got older it turned into a two day trip. I suppose the struggles of jobs and work and getting older on my parents behalf may have been responsible for that. We always went to my aunt Bonnie’s. She lived on the same holler as my grandmother Lula. She had these step stairs that went up to her house. She also had lots of children of her own so again we had plenty to do. That was entertaining in that you may hear a wild story from my uncle Forest or even if you were lucky you might get to hear him play some music or he’d show you his horse. My grandmother Jezzie lived a couple of different places over the years. For a while she lived up that same holler and I can remember the wondrous times we had out in the yard playing basketball, chasing the dog and running back to the little creek bed. Then there was the huge basement where we would listen to Johnny Rivers’s records and pretend we were a secret agent, just like in the song. There are so many wonderful memories of those times. It seems so many of those people are no longer with us though. It’s also unfortunately a little more up to date with the times. Relatives there are taking up the Internet and supermarkets are no longer a long journey. I rarely hear of family and friends just getting together to hang out on the porch and reminisce. I’m hopeful though that if I get to go in the spring perhaps for old time sake they will all gather and remember those gone on and times of jubilance and joy. Death is part of life, but only the body dies and the spirit moves on. The memories are always with us. So as I detest this cold weather I do owe it one semblance of gratitude in that since I can’t get outside I did have time for my mind to wonder back over the many people who still live in my heart and the time period where life was a little simpler and time seemed to stand still. This is just one more area of memories that will forever be in my mind.

Easy, Fast and Free...

2010-02-08T00:34:00.003-05:00

Filed your taxes yet? I have. I know tons of people who go out every year and buy Turbo Tax or some other software to do their taxes. Then I know people who pay someone else to do them and a few who do their own and grumble and complain as they try to figure it all out. Me? My dad usually does the papers for me. This year though I decided I wanted to try e-filing, but I really had no desire to spend the money to get Turbo Tax to do it, so I visited a couple of websites. One was www.in.gov and the other was www.irs.gov both websites provide you with access to government approved and totally free e-filing capabilities. So I filed my Federal taxes last Monday afternoon. They found $400 that we hadn't found when I did my original tax forms and guess what... My refund was deposited Friday morning into my checking account. Yep, totally free and four days turn around. How can you really beat that? Now I just filed my state taxes today. We will have to see if they can 'Get R Done' as fast as the Feds... So if you ask me there isn't any better way to go than easy, fast and FREE.

Reality Bites!

2010-02-03T16:30:00.003-05:00

Reality bites. This has been a tough week for me. A friend of mine took his own life to start my week out. I made a financial error to go to a second mistake and then today I got a ticket. Sometimes life just likes to throw you one curve ball after another. You know I bet the Cubs are use to them by now, but I’m not quiet there. Yesterday was a big day of reflection. I mean I’ve had a lot of hard life decisions to make lately. Not that this isn’t a part of every day life, but it can really leave you feeling a little down in the dumps. Thank God I have a wonderful group of friends that support me at every turn and even listen to me ramble or text as I try to rationalize decisions that I know are correct, but really don’t want to face. All in all I understand why my friend took his life. He was battling cancer for the second time, this time stage four, no reprieve. I’m not sure how I feel about it on religious grounds or even from the fact that I will miss him dearly, but I do understand what drove him there. As for the financial error, my mind has been elsewhere and it’s not like it’s something that is going to kill me. For the ticket, well yeah I deserved it so I can’t even be angry at the polite young police officer who went out of his way to make sure I knew he was just doing his job and to say thank you and please. Someone taught him manors. Something a lot of people don’t have anymore. So once again I find myself just wanting to say thank you to the group of friends that listen to me go on and on. Thanks for being my sounding board and reaffirming that the decision I made was the correct one and that the feelings I’m having are normal. I think of you as family. A family I’ve chosen and I love you all lots. But I still think the reality of this week bites.

Bandidos’ Where Everybody Knows Your Name…

2010-02-02T17:36:00.005-05:00

Everyone remember “Cheers”? I use to love watching that show and I actually caught a couple of reruns this past weekend. As I was watching I couldn’t help but laugh as I made a mental reference in my mind to Norm (The beer loving guy that everyone called out his name when he entered the bar.) and my friend Tom. When I think of Bandidos’ NORTHCREST, I think of Tom. I could easily see a sitcom around the bar there to and for the most part everyone who goes to this Bandidos’ knows Tom. Tom is the General Manager over there and from what I can tell a lot of the clientele in that store comes there just for his friendly smile and conversation. I like to drag my friends out there for a little friendly conversation of my own. So this weekend as I was pondering, “What do you do when you have a four day weekend?” I started off right away with a trip to Bandidos to relax and enjoy the atmosphere, the wonderful chips and salsa and of course $5 pitchers of Margarita’s. It doesn’t hurt that I once worked there and have extremely found memories, but even if I hadn’t I like the atmosphere, the food and the staff. So as I stated on Friday my friends Joe, Brad & Vincent all took up residence in the bar for a couple of hours laughing and having a good time. I highly recommend it and will gladly join anyone there who wants to go whenever I am not at work. Just give me a shout out and I’ll be on my way. For the most part the staff there pretty much knows my name, meaning I may have been there more than I should have at this point. So why not go where everybody knows my name? Head on out to a Bandidos near you soon, but if you don’t go to the NORTHCREST one you’re really missing out.

Bodycology - Walmarts

2010-01-25T17:13:00.005-05:00

So yesterday I was shopping at Walmarts and went into the cosmetics isle. Needed eye shadow... I found a line of products called "Bodycology". Not a name I was familiar with and definitely not very expensive, but I thought for the gym these could be nice to have so I of course got the shower gel, the body lotion, and the body spray. I had five different women at the gym tell me how great it smelled along

with two guys and then several people where I work. The scent I went with was called 'Sweet Petals'. I suppose you don't always have to spend a fortune to find something nice. The body lotion is awesome too just so you know. It's not greasy and leaves your skin feeling silky smooth. Give them whirl if you've a mind to.

First Time in Over a Decade

2010-01-21T17:04:00.002-05:00

I know a lot of people out there with the misconception that people who are large are that way because they are inherently lazy or love food to the point of gluttony. Now I am sure there are people for whom that is the case, but most of the people I know or have talked to or hell even my own personal experience would beg to argue otherwise. People who are large can be that way for medical reasons or for emotional reasons as well as out of shear laziness I suppose. I am predisposed to be over weight simply from genetics and from the types of foods my cultural background derived me from, but these are not things I can’t beat. My weight has always been a battle for me and one I thought I won in my early twenties, but one night in 1993 changed that for me. The battle was no longer won, I no longer cared about my health or my looks and so more than a decade of my life was lost to hiding behind closed doors and away from anything and everyone that wasn’t family or co-workers for the most part. Food was merely my blanket (Linus) and it gave me a false sense of security. With my recent loss of weight and my taking on healthy living and eating I have reawakened my desire to live life to the fullest though. It’s kind of like being reborn. There are so many things that are brand new to me again. Like going in a restaurant and eating food. I actually eat without wondering who’s taking mental notes of what I’m eating and blaming it for my weight. There is a lot of guilt when going out to eat and you’re heavy, well at least for me there was. Then there is the fact that I can now shop in any store in the mall for clothes. You don’t know what it’s like when you can only shop online or at the “big” girl’s stores. Let’s not forget that I can now go to any repair shop or doctor’s office and I don’t cringe at the site of the chairs in the waiting room with the arms on them. I can weight myself on normal scales, sit comfortably in the Movie Theater, walk around any store or the mall without being tired or achy, I wake up with energy instead of feeling drained, I can cross my legs, get up off the floor without any problems, wear seat belts made for normal people, sit Indian style in the floor and yes today I ran for the first time. True it took me 11 minutes to run a mile, but the last time I remember running I was more than a decade ago. What a difference an attitude change and a couple of years can make in a person. I absolutely love exercising and as for food, well, most sweets don’t even tempt me anymore. I love seafood and have found a whole group of it that is absolutely delicious, low calorie and even low sodium. I have more confidence and I am gaining more and more ground on that every day. I have had so many firsts lately that I’m just busting at the seams with happiness. I guess part of me feels some guilt about that seeing as how some others I know are having problems and issues, but I have finally come to the conclusion that I can feel for my family and friends and still lead my own life and take care of myself. So for the first time in over a decade I am enjoying life and living, well, not so large. ;-) Now if I could just win that lottery.

Campbell's Harvest Select Soups

2010-01-20T17:25:00.004-05:00

If you haven't tried these soups you really should. They are low calorie and low sodium so whether you're watching your calorie intake or your sodium intake (of which I watch both) you are all set with these soups. Most of them are less than a hundred calories a serving. The one on the left is a microwave ready container you can take to work and it has only a hundred calories in the whole container of two servings. Again, if you're looking for something to fill you up, but not fill you out. You might want to give these bad boys a try. I did and I love them!

A Lady, I’m Probably Not

2010-01-19T21:00:00.000-05:00

Again, I’ll start out by saying BROTHER beware, you may not want to read this being my brother and all. OK, with that said: “Are there truly ‘ladies’ out there anymore?” I mean the Webster’s dictionary says that a lady is a woman of refinement and gentle manners. I’m thinking I failed that test right there. Although I do think I’m polite most of the time and I do have manners, the refinement part might get a bit tricky. I suppose there are still a few ladies out there, my mother comes to mind. The word lady use to be a word that came with great respect and dignity but so many women these days seem to take offense to its use. Let me tell you right now I absolutely adore a man who pulls out my chair, opens doors for me, takes my arm or hand as we walk, walks on the outside so that cars are closer to him, brings me flowers and cares about how I feel. If he’s sensitive enough to realize a sweet note or an unexpected thoughtfulness now and then, I’m in heaven. What I don’t like that probably makes me unladylike? Well, I’m blunt. I don’t like to play guessing games and if I suspect a guy is out for sex and sex only I’ll probably halt the date before it’s ever gotten started. What do I mean by guessing games? Well, I know there are these supposed ‘rules’ to dating. I’m suppose to act shy, and maybe even a bit timid? Are you kidding me? Also per these great rules that they talk about I’m suppose to let the guy control the evening and talk about topics that he adores. OK. So maybe on a first date I can see these to some degree, but I am more into the line of thinking that if it’s going to be a good date there are things that should make both of us happy both to do and to discuss. What is it with one-sidedness and why do so many people seem so willing to settle? Why be with someone for the sake of being with someone or for the sake of getting sex? You can’t even imagine how many women I know that are sexually unfulfilled and afraid to tell their lovers what they want. Should they insult him, NO! I believe it’s more their fault than his that they are unfulfilled. He’s not a mind reader and I think most guys would love the opportunity to play if their partner would open up with them. Why can’t they be comfortable with telling him that although they love everything he does they would prefer this or that or would love to try ____? You fill in the blank with whatever it is you want to try. Why can’t couples communicate and be willing to try different things. I guess I am just an odd ball because I think you should be able to talk to your partner about what you want and what you need both in the relationship and in bed. I recently read a book where the guy’s whole philosophy on sex was “Ladies First”. Now wouldn’t you just love to meet this guy girls? I mean he picked partners who would please him, but he made sure they got what they needed before he did. If he looks half as good as he sounds I’m so there. So yes, I’m a little adventurous and a little outspoken on most things and I suppose I don’t fit the lady mold. My mother would so not be enjoying this article for instance because I am sure a ‘lady’ would never mention sex or even dare to speak of it in public, but then again like I said, a lady I’m probably not.

What a Smart Idea!

2010-01-19T17:14:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago Sunday I met my parents for lunch at the Wendy's on Clinton. I saw this and stood back in awe. Every once in a while I just see something and go, wow what a smart idea. I mean putting the trash container under the ketchup dispenser (there are other places for trash even at this station) was a pretty smart idea. I mean how many times have you been in at a restaurant like this and the counter is nothing but a messy slop of ketchup on the counter. What smart ideas have you seen out there?

Working It Out!

2010-01-17T17:01:00.010-05:00

Recently I signed back up to go to American Health Fitness. It's winter and my walking, although I still manage to get some in has been hampered by the winter weather. I hate very few things worse than cold weather. In reality as I lose this last hundred pounds I need to start tightening and strengthening my muscles anyway. I also use to belong to American Health several years ago and enjoyed it tremendously. So although I did check other clubs, I went back to where I always felt comfortable. At American Health there are a wide array of people in there working out and all of them appear to be friendly. As one girl stated today no one cares what anyone looks like or in what condition they are in inside this gym, they are just happy you're here to work out. I have seen every type from the extremely physically fit, to a few that are probably five hundred pounds if they are an ounce with a long road to travel yet. I also was fascinated by the eighty-six year old woman that was bench pressing, and the guy with green hair that upon leaving was wearing a shirt and tie and dress pants. Most of the people have been super friendly and nice. Now there are a few odd balls, but hey they keep life interesting. The staff is friendly and eager to answer your questions on anything you might want to know. They will even keep keys at their desk for you while you exercise if you don't want to have to keep track of it. So my biggest obstacle will be getting into some kind of routine on the machines. I'm no different than anyone else that going by myself and working out on those things leaves me feeling a little awkward, but I will do it. I went Friday night and swam and worked out in the water for about two and a half hours. I could live in the pool. I wish I had enough money to have an indoor pool at my house so I could swim all the time. On Saturday I started my morning off with an hour work out with the club trainer, went to lunch and then went back to the club and stayed another 3 hours doing different workouts both on machines and in the water. Today I went and worked out in the water again. My muscles were too sore to do machines today.... that is the great thing about the pool, as sore as my muscles were it was easy to still do a workout in the water and trust me when I say you get a harder work out in the water than a person might expect. What really kills me though are the people who come in do nothing on the machines, head to the pool and then just stand around and talk in the pool. How exactly does that count as exercise? I suppose maybe they joined just to use the pool and socialize, but that is just hard to imagine. For me though it's well worth the money. I pay $19 a month, which is less than a dollar a day. Cheap entertainment and beneficial to my health too. What more could a girl ask for? American Health offers a sauna, a steam room, a eucalyptus room, a hot tub, trainers, every possible machine you could think of, and even a wellness program. Their wellness program has meetings and health monitoring as well as a tailored exercise program for each person. I like it. If you wanna join I might even allow you to work out with me. ;) There are two locations in Fort Wayne, and multiple classes you can take as well. Below here I have the pictures and maps from the website of American Health Fitness - http://www.ahfc.com/

Step/Cardio, MON-SAT 8:30AM & TUE/THUR 6:30PM

Core/Fusion/Pilates, MON-FRI 9:15AM

Aquatics, MON/WED/FRI 9AM/10AM/11AM & 6PM (except Fridays, no 6pm on Fridays)

Yoga, MON/THUR 5:30PM -- Step, TUE/THU 10AM & 6:30PM -- Power Pump MON 7PM

Yoga, MON/WED/FRI 9AM

Power Pump, SAT 9:45AM

Step, MON/WED 5:30PM

Core Fusion, TUE 7PM

Kick Boxing, THUR 7PM

Real or Memorex?

2010-01-14T17:56:00.003-05:00

Anyone remember that Memorex commercial? It was a commercial for blank/recordable cassette (maybe I should ask how many remember cassette tapes) and later on video tapes that insinuated that by using them you would forget somehow you were listening to or watching a recording and believe somehow you were observing the real thing. I’m here to tell you that it was rarely even close to the real thing or even listening to it off the radio, but for the time it was probably as close as one was going to get and a big improvement over the old reel tapes. Me? I seem to ask this question a lot in my life, so I was just pondering its many uses today as I was walking the stairs. Yeah, stairs are not my favorite thing to do, but its exercise. This question can be used on almost every aspect of life. I mean if you have a problem (any type) you could ask it in the context of is it truly a problem that deserves your worry or is it just a mere complication that will fade with time? I know I’ve known people I’ve wanted to ask that question by the story they were telling me at the time. An out of body experience story comes to mind. I wanted so badly to say are you kidding me? Not that I don’t believe in supernatural events, but if you knew the person telling the story you would understand my hesitation on this one. Then there is one of the most important aspects of life that this question can apply to and that is love or friendship. I mean a friend of mine and I today were talking about how if a relationship is real (again either kind) it’s something you value and don’t want to destroy. If a relationship is Memorex then you really don’t give it a whole lot of thought and have a “to hell” with the consequences type attitude. What really sucks is if you think its Memorex, lose it and realize it was the real deal. So thinking over the things in your life do you ever ask if it is real or Memorex or do you just try not think about it?

Sometimes I Forget

2010-01-11T17:30:00.001-05:00

I’ve studied a lot of different things in school. I guess I just feel like no matter how much I study I never really learn enough though and sometimes I forget what it is that I have learned along the way. When I was younger I had a lot of insecurities so human relationships and psychology got a lot of my time in college. I should be better at relationships with all the training I have had, but the one thing I realize is that I am definitely a person ruled by my passion and emotions. I often don’t take the time to stop and rationalize through what I am about to do. That can get a person into a heap of trouble as my grandmother use to say. I would definitely say I am much better at reading people. I have a vast array of friends from all scopes of life. I like it that way. Some of them are open and straight forward; others hide behind a protective shield never allowing anyone close to their hearts. I find people fascinating to watch. I could sit for hours in a public place and just try to figure out what is going on in the lives of perfect strangers. I also have a habit of asking very personal questions if I get comfortable enough. My blunt nature is usually met one of two ways 1) with fascination and need to know more or 2) with disdain and disgust that one could be so bold. I love when someone does the first. There is a third rarity and that is a person who just accepts me. The most accepting person I have ever known in my life was my uncle Roger. I miss him so much sometimes. He didn’t judge me or expect me to be anything other than what I was. As I was driving into work today I took a moment to think about some blunders I have made recently and the best way to go about correcting them. Thankfully I don’t think I’ve done anything that bad, just forgotten that to men silence is golden and to women communications is a need. I think there must be some cosmic joke in the universe to have made men and women’s needs in human relationships so differently that one has to stop and think out their interactions so intensely. I suppose it doesn’t help being that I am a sponge for other people’s emotions. I can usually tell you what someone is feeling and almost before they can. I have always been that way, so I tend to stay away from people when they are feeling extremely negative because I just can’t afford to take on those emotions myself. I suppose it makes for an interesting world. One might get bored if we all thought and felt the same things. I was reading an article on how women and men view text messages differently. A woman sends out a message and expects a response almost immediately while a man sends one out and if he gets a response great, if not he’ll worry about it later. Is that true? Any of you guys out there want to comment on whether it bothers you as much as it does me to have to sit and wait for a response that either doesn’t come, comes hours later or instead of being answered the person sends you a text message with a new question not even related to what you asked? Also does it sadden anyone out there besides me that the art of actually writing letters is slowly dying? There is nothing more precious or valuable than a hand written letter full of passion and longing. I just somehow don’t think you can put that in an email or a text and do it justice. Good Lord, then there is dating. How differently do women and men usually view dating? I mean I think I fall outside the norm on this one because I don’t think you have to be with the person you are dating 24/7 like a lot of women I know and I think each person has to maintain a feeling of self and their own life as well as join with their partner, but what is it that makes men think nothing should change in their lives and women think that men should now make them the center of their universe? Is it like that in gay relationships? I mean there are normally one feminine roll and one masculine role so I was just wondering if they go through the same issues. So many questions and so little time and yet they will never truly be answered. The best advise I can give anyone in any type of relationship is to not over think it. Have you ever noticed that if you sit and dwell on something it becomes this huge monster of an issue when in reality it started out being nothing? This is what I have to remind myself over and over, but I am human and you know sometimes I forget.

Keith Whitley, Country Legend

2010-01-10T17:03:00.004-05:00

Growing up in my home we were constantly surrounded by country music, sixties rock and roll and gospel. My parents were born and raised in a small town called Pippa Passes in the mountains of Kentucky. I suppose in all honestly I heard quiet a bit of blue grass music too, although for me sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between blue grass and country. I mean I do know the difference, but they both instill the same qualities in my mind. I was a normal teenager though and went through a brief period in the late seventies and early eighties where I didn’t listen to a whole lot of country and did the rock and roll thing, well as best as I could in my home. My parents didn’t restrict us a lot on what we could listen to, but they did have their limits. My dad use to say my music didn’t make any sense to him, but then I’d just remind him he liked “Little Richard”. I didn’t quiet think that music made much sense to me at the time. In the later half of the eighties I went through a period where all I listened to seemed to be country. To me it was a life line of words that told me I wasn’t alone in some of the emotions I was feeling. A good country song can get right to the core of your being if you truly listen to it. It was then that I ran across Keith Whitley and his amazing voice and talent. Listening to his songs I could almost feel his sadness and understanding that life isn’t always what one hopes it might be. There was also a beauty in the tones and quality of his delivery. It didn’t take me long to be hooked and I had to have everything he recorded and put out there. When he died in 1989 it nearly broke my heart, not because I thought him attractive, but because I was saddened for the songs he would never write or sing in the future. He is a talent I think is missing and one rarely anyone ever comes close to matching. To me he is the epitome of country music exemplified. Keith Whitley charted nineteen singles on the Billboard country charts and out of those he had five consecutive number ones: “Don’t Close Your Eyes”, “When You Say Nothing at All”, “I’m No Stranger to the Rain”, “I Wonder Do You Ever Think of Me”, and “It Ain’t Nothing”. The Last two songs listed were not released until after Keith Whitley’s death. Although I love most of his work, my favorite song of his and one I can relate to very intimately is “I’m Over You”. It’s the song of a man trying to convince himself that he doesn’t still have feelings for someone no longer in his life. I’ve been there done that, but in the end I think I really am over my past. I wonder if the man in the song was ever over his love. I know what it’s like to sit at a bar and drink and to go endless days hurting for something you’ve lost. So to me it’s my favorite work of his.

I’m Over You

Where there's a cloud, don't mean there's rain

Tears in my eyes, don't mean there's pain

Don't flatter yourself

I'm over you

Things aren't always what they seem

You can't believe everything you read

On my face

I'm over you

You heard I'm drinking more than I should

That I ain't been looking all that good

Someone told you I was taking it rough

Why they making those stories up

When I'm over you

There were times that if you'd been around

You would have seen me broken down

But now you won't

I'm over you

So if I seem a little bit cold

It only means you've lost the hold

You had on me

I'm over you

You heard I'm drinking more than I should
That I ain't been looking all that good
Someone told you I was taking it rough
Why they making those stories up
When I'm over you

I'm over you

To me this song speaks volumes. I still sit and wonder sometimes what other wonderful songs might have been born if he had lived, or if he would have faded into the back ground like a star burning out. Either way his passing at his peak has forever sealed him in as a country legend.

Conquering The Fear Within...

2010-01-07T18:10:00.002-05:00

If you read my blog regularly then you all ready know that I suffer from a phobia. This type of phobia is known as Pagophobia. It is an extreme or irrational fear of ice or frost. Usually the person suffering from it fears hurting themselves on it. I have suffered from it since the early nineties and have worked on it with doctors and through my own meditations. So Indiana isn't the best place in the world for me in the winter months. I have gotten better over the years mostly because I am ridding myself of the fears that reside within. Fear can be a very controlling beast. Much of my life over the past decade and a half has been controlled by fear. Most of this fear came out of the fall of '93. Not something I'm ready to openly discuss but it controlled a good portion of my life until I decided I need to take control of my own destiny and future back. Thus the journey to fix me began. For the most part I have done a very good job of that I believe. I am more confident than I have ever been in my life and I am doing things I never would have dreamed of in a million years just a few short years ago. The fears are still there somewhat, but I believe they have been beaten down to a small voice in the back of my mind. Today was a big example of that to me. You may not see it as much but on a day when the roads are an icy mess from hell and walking from my car into multiple places across ice covered walks doesn't even make me grab for my medication or even raise my blood pressure I would say I've come a long way. As a matter of fact as I was finally driving home I realized I hadn't stressed at all about the roads even once the entire five hour trip out today. It made me stop and grin and realize that you really can do anything you set your mind to in life if you try. For me it's conquering the fear within and taking my life back.

Memory Lane and Winter Cleaning.....

2010-01-05T21:32:00.003-05:00

So as you may or may not know I am on vacation this week. I love taking the first week of the year off because it allows me to get a lot of things done that I wouldn't otherwise do. You see if I'm off in warm weather there is no way you are tying me down to stay inside. (Well, almost no way). As I have been taking a few hours each day to go through old storage containers and boxes to remove the excess and clutter I have come across a few things that I truly treasure. For the most part the stuff is going unless I can't bring myself to part with it. I mean the older I get the less I want to own quantity and prefer quality. Among the things I have found have been old love letters (Everyone has them don't they? Don't you just wonder why you really hang on to them though?), Pictures I had long forgotten about, a ring that held a promise of what might have been, a necklace that took me back to sweet sixteen and many other things. I also found a card from flowers I received at work once. They were from someone I think wanted more from me at that time than friendship, but fear and old ghosts kept me from pursuing it. I guess we'll chalk that one up in the regret category. I also found some old poetry I had written and some a friend had written, as well as this picture that was drawn for me by one of my favorite artists. It was his rendition of how he saw me back then. He's a dear friend and there is no way I could ever part with this. Now if he would just become famous so I could use it to my advantage.... just joking. Either way cleaning is good for the soul on many levels. It stirs up old feelings which can leave one lost and yet happy all at the same time. So this vacation when I'm asked where I went I think I'll just tell everyone I was a time traveler for a brief period of time. I traveled back over the years to the remnants of my life. My vacation is just a journey down memory lane with a little winter cleaning, both emotionally and aesthetically.

A Picture From Summer...

2010-01-05T02:02:00.003-05:00

I took this picture this past summer in the new exhibit at 'The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo'. I loved the way it looked and looking at it one can almost find themselves lost in one of those books where the fog starts to roll in and scary things start to happen. I love it just the same though. Maybe I'm a masochist I don't know, but I have always loved scary movies and scary books. Give me a good horror flick and someone to snuggle up to while I watch it any day. I guess horror flicks aren't for everyone and I can just as easily go for a good romance or drama movie. Looking at this photo though one can imagine all sorts of scenarios. If I were wealthy and had a large house I might even find this being the wall in one of my rooms, because I could sit for hours and get lost in the mystery of what might lie beyond the mist or happen there within it. I found myself wondering what other people think about when they look at photos or even artwork. I mean a good painting can actually take you to another place and time if you allow it to. Where would you imagine yourself in this photo? Under what circumstance?

New Years, My Least Favorite Holiday of All…

2009-12-30T21:19:00.003-05:00

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I can’t stand New Years Eve or New Years Day. Never have liked it, may never like it. Try as I might I can’t really rationally put my finger on why either. I guess to me it’s just not a holiday. So the calendar flips over to another year. We actually have a new year each of us on the day we were conceived. Yet we celebrate our birth and the calendar year, but not the conception. I guess it would be a little awkward to celebrate that though wouldn’t it? It seems to me that people take joy in watching time pass by. I guess I can’t say I am a friend of that either in that the passing of time brings the passing of my life. Yet the one thing New Years is is definitely a time to reflect. As far as years go it’s been a long one. Good on so many levels and rough on so many others. With the bad was the passing of an aunt and the struggles of a nephew. There was a loss of a friend but not through death, unless you count the last remnants of hope for this friendship that you held. There was a scare of the threat of breast cancer, only to find that the likely-hood I have it is low. To be continued in 2010 on that one I guess. There was weight loss and friendships found, but even some of those have strings that may unravel. There were good times and revelations. There was definitely a quality of growth on my own part and a desire to finally live for me. There was truth unyielding and unrelentlessness in its endeavor to be heard. So it’s been a year of changes. I guess in a campaign promise that is what we were promised; however, I doubt that is what was meant. It’s been a trying year and a year of joy all in one. For my friends and family I wish the New Year to bring you happiness and peace and joys that know no boundaries. I hope we have more found memories we make and share and I hope you all know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I carry you with me in my heart always. Happy New Year as we welcome in 2010.

My Choice for Absolute WORST magazine Cover of 2009!

2009-12-26T17:09:00.003-05:00

The only word that came to mind is WHY?

The Spirit of Christmas.

2009-12-23T17:34:00.006-05:00

No matter my mood or my problems at Christmas I always take time on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day to thank the good Lord in Heaven that he is and always shall be the true spirit and meaning of Christmas. His blessings are many although during times of hardship sometimes it is hard to see. Life is never easy for anyone. If you think it is then you need to walk a mile in those people’s shoes because no matter how good someone’s life may seem, everyone does have their own demons to deal with. This year as Christmas approaches I know my family has it’s to deal with. You’ve all watched my posts of frustration. There is a part of me that wants so badly to hate the person causing the grief in our life. I don’t truly hate her though. You see I don’t even think she’s capable of understanding that she is to blame on so many levels no matter how many shrinks she cons into saying otherwise. I really believe she needs to get some help herself and that she needs to devote herself to that. I have been telling her for a long time that her son is angry at her because he isn’t feeling loved by her and definitely doesn’t feel like he rates above his sister or his mother’s girlfriends. I have attempted to understand and not judge because I have loved this woman like a sister for a very long time and it’s hard to believe a betrayal that wounds so deeply. Your mind tries to talk you out of it, but in essence I feel betrayed. I know her son feels betrayed. I have always been sensitive and often know things about people or feelings that they have without them ever having to express them. This woman once asked me if I thought she was a good wife and mother and I avoided answering it because I didn’t want to hurt her by telling her no. Part of me wishes I had, but then that would be spiteful now wouldn’t it? There was also a part of me that hoped she was changing and that she would understand that true love is not selfish. When you love someone you want what is best for them. You don’t know the countless hours I did many shopping trips that took all day, when all I wanted to do was be home, with this woman. It was because I cared. Looking back we pretty much always did what she wanted. As I write this there is actually a small part of my heart aching and breaking at the thought that she’ll read this and be pissed because there is no way it will be read with understanding. Her son needs her to be a good mother. His dad says that is all he wants if it could happen for the happiness of his son. If she can’t devote herself to being a mother for her children’s sake then she needs to give him or them to their dad. She can see them when she likes then at her leisure and devote more time to being their mother when she’s with them. There are so many issues’ there right now and they have me frustrated. I do have some empathy in all this for that person though. Their childhood was far from good in my opinion. I also realize that I am not without my faults so I really don’t want to judge anyone. That is another reason it’s been so hard on me because I do know I have done atrocious things in my life; however, I would never put anyone before a child of mine. Hell I would never put anyone (lover that I take to the Hockey games my son use to get to go to in place of him) in front of my nephew and niece. Their needs come first. They are children. They didn’t ask to be born. They will only be small for a short period of time and they need to be allowed to have a childhood that is good. Not one with coming home to their mom after summer break for her to be in bed with some strange person she met on the internet. There are all kinds of issues here that need to be addressed, but I am only a person on the outside looking in. Legally I can’t do anything about it or trust me I would. So I am sorry if my post as of late has been somewhat a downer. I don’t mean for them to be. I really am thankful for much more than it appears. I have good friends and a good job. I have the best brother a person could ask for and a loving and caring mom and dad. I had a childhood where I was loved. I will be surrounded by loved ones all weekend and will have family and friends to ring in the New Year with. I do have a lot of blessings. I am also thankful that God sent his son so long ago for me to have the opportunity to repent and find salvation. My wish for everyone, more than getting presents, is that tomorrow and Friday you feel the love that is Christmas all around you and that you take a moment to pray for those that don’t. Tip your waiters and waitresses who have to work a little more, smile and laugh with the cashier at the store or gas station that is stuck working, be thankful for our troops who stand guard over our great nation. Thank your hospital staff’s and your zoo keepers, your firemen and your police. For all these people who work on the holiday would truly rather be with their family but they are there helping us and providing for us and seeing that our holidays are filled with every opportunity. Take a moment to thank the good Lord for the very air you breathe and the life you live, for after all this is truly the true spirit of Christmas.

Winter Reading.... Recommendation

2009-12-20T22:35:00.005-05:00

Most of the people I talk to say they enjoy reading a lot more during the winter months when they can’t enjoy the great outdoors. I like reading late at night before going to bed mostly. Either way I found the Argeneau Series of books by Lynsay Sands most enjoyable. My favorite book due to its great sense of humor was by far was book number seven, “The Accidental Vampire”. The humorous storey of a woman who became a vampire but had absolutely no clue how she got to be one. The great thing about this series is it really doesn’t matter what order you read the books in. They are a compilation of the family Argeneau and how each of them finds their mate and the adventure that takes them there. Heck if you look at the list they weren’t even written in the sequence of events as they unfolded. There are twelve books in all and each is sure to thrill you. My second favorite in the series is, “The Immortal Hunter”. I did so enjoy each and every one of these books and yes I have them should anyone want to borrow them. Of course you must agree to give them back. I can’t wait for the next in the series to come out either. It comes out in January. I’m getting excited. Here you have it though… this is my suggested reading for a little light winter reading. Romance and humor are hard to beat I would say.

A Quick Bite (November 2005)

Love Bites (January 2004)

Single White Vampire (September 2003)

Tall, Dark & Hungry (July 2004)

A Bite to Remember (July 2006)

Bite Me If You Can (February 2007)

The Accidental Vampire (January 2008)

Vampires Are Forever (February 2008)

Vampire Interrupted (March 2008)

The Rogue Hunter (September 2008)

The Immortal Hunter (March 2009)

The Renegade Hunter (September 2009)

An Acquired Taste...

2009-12-18T16:49:00.002-05:00

I suppose one might say that I am an acquired taste. At least this is what I have been told. My nature is one that is extremely blatant in nature. I don’t like to hurt people and would never intentionally try, unless they were attempting to hurt me, but I am afraid that sometimes my unencumbered shamelessness and my straight talk can come off a bit aloof. I recently went to a party at a very expensive home. Now I loved the house and I enjoyed the company of the occupants. I am very happy for them that they are doing so well and can live so comfortably. For anyone who knows me though, you know I don’t judge people for what they do or don’t have. I have friends from all walks of life and I like to look at what is inside a person, not at what is on the outside. As long as I have enough money to pay my bills I am happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be wealthy just like anyone else. It’s just that I know money doesn’t buy happiness and it’s something I can take or leave. So at this party I was myself. I’m sure to some of the party goer’s delight (at least that is what they told me) and to some of their dismay. I like to have fun and I will joke or tease about anything. I like to think of myself as a free spirit. I wasn’t always this way. Years gone by I would have been the shy girl in the corner. I would have been the one who would have clung to the host because I knew him and no one else. I would never have dreamed of talking so easily to people I had never met. I’ve lived a lot in my forty-two years though and I’ve learned life is short. Way to short to care what others think of you for being who you are. Truth is I know with my inhibitions I could probably make a priest blush. It took me a long time to get that comfortable with myself. So at this party I went to I was me completely. I met a lot of great people there. I loved most of them to pieces for the most part. They were warm and welcoming and laughed and talked, all but one. Now I still have nothing against this one; however, anyone who knows me knows you don’t attack my friends and you don’t try to make me feel like I should bow down to an alter in front of you because you feel you’re better than me. It’s like cornering a wild animal. If you do it, my friends will attest you better buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. So, as you can imagine this person did both of these things, not just one. Can you imagine someone you’ve seen maybe a dozen times in your life and haven’t seen for over a decade, someone who was never involved in your life and was never your friend picking apart what you do for a living? What about imagining this person pounding you with questions about a friend and that friend’s daughter? What if they go one step further and not only try to drill you with questions but make snide nasty remarks about those people? Would you stand there and take it? I’m guessing a few would stop to consider the person is close to the hosts. I maybe should have, but it’s just not in me. My first instinct is to strike out and let that person know I don’t feel they are in any form or fashion any better than I and that I don’t appreciate their attack on my demeanor, my style or my friends. Looking back I probably just should have ignored them, but then where is the fun in that? It got me to thinking about something I always think about though. Why is it that some people so judgmental based on looks and money and power? Some of my favorite people in the whole world have no money or power and to me the better looking a person is on the inside the better they look outside. I guess I should stop wondering, after all I have been blessed with a multitude of friends who love me just the way I am. They don’t try to change me and they definitely don’t require that I have a ton of money and a proper attitude. So once again I will tell all my family and friends how blessed I am to have you over this holiday season. My family and friends are what give me hope, make me laugh and help me to appreciate life. I understand sometimes its not easy being my friend, but I love you for it. I do understand that after all I really am an acquired taste on so many levels. Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas!

Humor Among Holiday Shoppers... at least for me

2009-12-14T18:18:00.004-05:00

This past Friday as I was in the back magazine isle of Target and trying to stay out of the multiple, mostly grumpy shoppers, I found myself ease dropping for fun. Two women started down the isle I was in. Right behind me and the magazines is the "young adult" books. Things like "Harry Potter" or "The Vampire Diaries" can be found there. These two women were most likely sisters from the looks of them and one was petite but tall, while the other was short and frumpy (my code for she could push a meal or two back every now and then). I was listening to these two talk of the Christmas lists they had from their loved ones of their wants or needs. The shorter lady said her daughter had written down that she wanted the "True Blood" series of books but she must have misprinted it because surely she meant these. I looked around to see what she was looking at. The woman goes these say "Blue Blood". I'm sure these are them. I said excuse me ladies but there is a book series called "True Blood", by Charlaine Harris, but you won't find them in the young adult book section as they are probably not appropriate for young minds. The shorter lady looks at me and goes, "why is that?" I said because they are fairly explicit and filled with sex. The lady looked like I had mooned her. She goes "Oh, my. Maybe I shouldn't buy that for my daughter." Now these two women looked like they were somewhere in their fifties, but perhaps they didn't age well. Who knows. So I asked the lady, well how old is your daughter? She looked at me and said "She's twenty-one." I, being that I am bad, said "well I'm sure she knows all about sex by now then." But wait... without skipping a beat the lady that was with her goes: "Hell the way she looks I'm sure she's done it lots and could give lessons." The shorter lady was mortified to say the least and I had to choke back a laugh. Some how this did help my Friday Christmas spirit find it's place though. I hope it helped yours... gotta love a true story.

2007 and Now...

2009-12-12T13:11:00.004-05:00

Then 2007 with my friend Chris

Two months ago and twenty pounds more than I currently weigh...

Forever in My Mind - Maybe

Laid to Rest: January 21, 2012

Life Can Change On A Dime - Rob Hogg

Waiting For The Fire To Burn Out...

It's All About Believing in Your Own Worth

There Are Places…

Summer and Ice

Like A Hooker On Ice...

Along The Road to Success You Are Bound To Meet an Ass or Two

A Life of Seasons and Pet Peeves

Pizza Casserole

A Resolution of Lies.

Sometimes In Life; A Year In Reflection

So Who Decides?

Mothers and Daughters

As The Season Turns Cold...

Yes, I know I'm Needy, But I'm Working On It.

Where Monsters Lurk...

Online Scammers - Don’t Be A Victim

Laugh, Love & Live

Cookies Are What They Are & So Am I….

WEBCAM?

The Pride and Problems of Being Human

********* Plenty Of What? ***********

Got An Asphalt Driveway?

I Use To Think I was Invisible.

What Makes A Friend A Friend?

Judge Not...

We Survived...

The Right’s and Wrong’s of Idiocy

Believe In Yourself --- You CAN Do It!

The Age Old Question...

It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost… Really It Is.

It’s Not Just For Kids….

Torture Never Felt So Good

Sometimes All You Taste Is The Lemons...

What Does One Really Say…

A Final Kiss

It Has A Name...

Change is Part of Life

J. Devon Mathias

Emotional needs count too…

Just Out of Reach

My Update...

*** Plan B ***

Technology or Life?

Colgate Wisp

Happy Birthday Joe!

Facing the Fear

To Drink or Not To Drink...

Martina & Trace...

McFrappes?

Forge On

Sex in America

Another Mind Boggling “Holiday”...

A Simpler Time

Easy, Fast and Free...

Reality Bites!

Bandidos’ Where Everybody Knows Your Name…

Bodycology - Walmarts

First Time in Over a Decade

Campbell's Harvest Select Soups

A Lady, I’m Probably Not

What a Smart Idea!

Working It Out!

~~Real or Memorex?~~

Sometimes I Forget

Keith Whitley, Country Legend

Conquering The Fear Within...

Memory Lane and Winter Cleaning.....

A Picture From Summer...

New Years, My Least Favorite Holiday of All…

My Choice for Absolute WORST magazine Cover of 2009!

The Spirit of Christmas.

Winter Reading.... Recommendation

An Acquired Taste...

Humor Among Holiday Shoppers... at least for me

2007 and Now...

* Plenty Of What? ***

* Plan B *

Real or Memorex?