Monday, September 27, 2010
Winter is coming again. Another season is coming to a close and the bitterness and cold will soon sweep in and surround us. Time marches on as they say. I watch as those around me go through many changes just like the seasons. People who were married are divorced, while new couples spring up and work to stay together and make it last. I watch and take in every action, but try my best to stay in the back ground of those relationships. People are never as uptight and anxious as they are about relationships they have with people and trying to get evolved in someone’s relationship and give relevant advice is about as risky as sticking one’s arm down the open mouth of a live alligator. I’d say proceed with caution but who does that? It’s been another year of growth and learning for me. Some of the lessons have been good ones while others have been extremely painful. I have often said though when we stop learning we’re dead. Any of my friends will gladly tell you that I am more than willing to share advice though and give freely from my experience so that they might learn or laugh whichever strikes their mood. I hadn’t really dated in years before this past year. I gave up on meeting someone years ago for reasons we won’t go into at this moment. Needless to say as I always do I jumped right in with both feet and tried to swim. I sank like a dead body with a weight tied around me though if you ask me. Dating has changed since the last time in the early 90’s when I had done it last. I hadn’t done much of it at that time either. I had gone out with a few guys back then and had a couple of relationships, but I was extremely naïve back then and needy. Not that I wouldn’t say I am still needy cause I do need attention in a relationship, but isn’t that what a relationship is? I mean someone to spend time with and talk to? Over the year I have dated a wide variety of guys. I’ve, as I said, learned a lot. The one thing I know is that if you can’t take how a man is you need to move on. You can’t go into a relationship with a list of demands on what needs to change. I mean you can ask for little things like: “please put the toilet seat down when you’re finished” and he might listen. I really wouldn’t hold my breath, but don’t try changing the big stuff. If he’s into porn that isn’t likely to ever change so if you can’t stand a man who watches porn you need to walk away. If he’s into kinky sex and you’re not walk away. That isn’t a tendency that is likely to change. This isn’t to say a man who spends a lot of time with porn might not find he doesn’t need it anymore once he’s with you, but why take the chance if it’s something you can’t live with? The plain and simple truth in my book is if you’re going to love a man or woman you need to be able to love them warts and all. My dad tells a story of how my aunt came home packing her bags a few months after being married because she was angry that her husband spent so much time hunting. He says my grandmother looked at her and asked her if he did it before they got married. When she said yes my grandmother sent her home because it was something she knew about he did before the marriage. It shouldn’t have been something she asked him to change afterwards. I’ve never understood why certain things were expected to change after marriage myself. Yes dating other people, sleeping around and that sort of thing should change, but having a life shouldn’t. There should be couple time and each should have some individual time. I have never understood why one wouldn’t want to spend a little time apart so that they can miss each other. It makes those times together so much nicer don’t you think? I also think people put way too much stock in stereotypes. We could write a book about the mistakes with stereotyping people of either sex. Not everyone is going to fit a profiled type. Either way you write it down this year has been a journey and an interesting one. For me it’s been one of growth and understanding of both myself and of the opposite sex. The one thing I know is if a person makes you happy while you’re with them and they are attentive and calling and texting then be happy with that. I take the happiness where I find it. I really don’t understand those who have to try to change their mate or worry 24/7 about what the person is doing in the time they are not with them. If they make you happy when you’re together enjoy that time while it last because who knows when it won’t be that way anymore. So as this season turns cold I’ll smile at the lessons learned and at the ones I know are yet to come. Whether they are good lessons or bad ones they are part of life and are what help us to grow.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
So everyone has things in their personality that they need to work on. I'm not out of the norm where that is concerned. I know this, but it's frustrating. Over the years I have come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. What am I talking about? My neediness. I suppose we should start at the beginning. When I was younger I needed the total attention of the people in my life and if they did things without me it drove me absolutely up a wall and I know I drove them up that same wall and probably twice as fast. It took me a long time to realize that if I am secure in a relationship I don't have to worry about being replaced in someones heart or in their life. It took me an even longer time to realize people could care about and love multiple people and that just because a friend had a party that I wasn't a part of didn't mean they didn't care. It's even harder I suppose when you're a female that chooses mainly male friends. I mean after all they can't exactly take you out on their date with them now can they?
Sometimes I wonder if in this blog I get way too personal, but the thing is that I try not to lie or have secrets. You see they have a tendency to come back and bite you in the ass and it's just too much for my blond (sometimes) head to try to remember what story was told to whom, so I try to tell the truth. With this I guess I just feel since my life is an open book for the most part what can it hurt, but then as I date I wonder if the stuff I write could scare someone away. If it did though would that really be bad seeing as this is who I am and I want someone to want to be with me for me just the way i am. So where am I going with this and how does it pertain to my neediness and my need to work on that. It's simple. I'm very selective about the people I allow into my actual life. It may seem like I have a lot of friends, but if you are my friend you were chosen very carefully to be allowed to know me as more than just an acquaintance. I'm not really sure what it is or how to explain it, but when I meet someone I feel is destined to be in my life I just know it and I want to get to know them. I want them to want to get to know me. So I spend a lot of time asking questions and probably driving them nuts for the first few months as I get to know them and get comfortable with them. I have a need to know they are OK and how they are feeling. Ask my oldest and dearest friends and they will tell you that it is rare for a week to go by without hearing from me on one level or another. When I let you into my life as a true friend you are in my heart and I worry about you. I want to know that your needs are being met and that your life is going well and when it isn't yes I try to mother and fix it or at least lend an ear. Sometimes though I want to know that my friends need to know how I am too and some of them have never let me down or failed me. This is what I need to work on. I know people care about me. I know my friends are living their own lives, but sometimes I get a little bluesy and wonder if they ever think of me. I am needy in that I need to know they are OK. I need to know they are still there. I suppose that is a big fear of mine that I'll wake up and they will be gone or will have died or who knows. So if you're my friend and I'm driving you nuts by sending too many emails or too many IM's or text messages, know that it's only because I love you and I care. You can always tell me to knock it off. I'm there for my friends and my family. It's the fiber that I'm made of. I want to be supportive and I want to be helpful and I want them to know they are loved and cared about. So know that I am working on it. I am working on not being as needy and working on not getting upset if I don't hear from you for a few days. Just try to remember it is because I love you that I am driving you nuts. I don't know if that helps or not, but it is what it is.